[DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^

[PS!] I took the "Mary Sue Litmus Test" and this story only scored a 7 so you "Mary-Sue" people can go choke on a polar bear tongue!

[PPS!] Those of you who think Jesus never lost his temper are advised to read Mark more thoroughly!

[PPPS!] Chapter 4 will be up within a week or two -- I can't wait to get Jesus in his classes already! Thankz for reading guys!!! ^___________^

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The Hippopotamati hustled Jesus along Knockturn Alley, roughly shoving aside the leering, dark-robed witches and wizards that stood in their way. Jesus was wondering if he should try to make a break for it when suddenly Diagon Alley opened up in front of them. Relief flooded through him. He was safe!

The Hippopotamati released Jesus' elbows and jumped back as a familiar figure rushed up through the crowd.

"What the ruddy hell d'you think yer doin'?" Hagrid roared. Jesus and the Hippopotamati winced.

"We were escorting the young Messiah back to safety," the Hippo leader said stiffly. "He wandered into Knockturn Alley. He was lucky we found him."

Hagrid turned his glare on Jesus. "Why were you wanderin' aroun' then?

"I was looking for you and I got lost -- there was this boy talking about the D--"

"Never min', let's get you back t'the pub," Hagrid said, tugging Jesus away from the affronted Hippopotamati.

"Dumbledore called them up t'take you t'the Hogwarts Express tomorrow," Hagrid whispered gruffly. "Don' trust em though -- nutters through an' through, an' the less you have t'do with em the better. Got yer owl, by the way." Eyes twinkling, he held up a large cage containing one ruffled eagle owl.

"Oh, wow, thanks!" Jesus gasped. "I didn't even notice him!"

The sun was low in the sky by the time Hagrid and Jesus made it back into the Leaky Cauldron. The owl, christened Jeremiah, promptly fell asleep when Jesus placed its cage at the foot of his bed.

When Jesus went down for dinner he found Hagrid seated next to a young purple-robed witch.

"Er, hello," Jesus said, pulling up a chair.

"Hello, Jesus," Hagrid said cheerfully. "This here's Jocasta. She's a Hippo." His anger towards the Hippopotamati earlier seemed to have vanished.

Jocasta narrowed her eyes slightly at being called a hippo, but greeted Jesus in a friendly voice.

Dinner was excellent. The food was definitely Jesus' favorite part about this strange future land. Over the last week he'd eaten better than he ever had before. He hoped the quality of Hogwarts meals wouldn't go down when he started eating with the students tomorrow night.

Towards the end of dinner Hagrid excused himself to go talk to a friend. Jesus was a little nervous at being left alone with Jocasta. She glanced around to make sure Hagrid wasn't looking, and slid closer to him.

"I've been waiting for a chance to talk to you alone, Messiah," Jocasta said softly. "I'm afraid we Hippopotamati made a rather bad impression on you earlier this evening."

"That's okay," Jesus said vaguely, concentrating on his pudding.

Jocasta smiled. "We're really not as crazy as we look. We were hot on the trail of a suspected Death-Eater when we saw you in Knockturn Alley."

"A Death-Eater?" Jesus asked blankly.

"Shhh," she whispered, glancing furtively at the nearby wizards. "A Death-Eater is what you would call a Satanist, and what we would call a Lizard."

"Ohhh," Jesus said, setting down his spoon and staring gloomily at his plate. He had lost his appetite.

"You see, Messiah, we Hippopotamati have been around a long time. So has the Dark Lord. Over the millennia he has taken on many names, and the earliest of those is Sobek, the Crocodile-God. His followers were called Lizards because they worshipped the Crocodiles."

"O-kaay."

"Our leader, the Great Hippopotamus, led us in the fight against Sobek those many years ago. He died in the battle, and Sobek was sent back to Hell. But again and again he has re-emerged -- in your time as Satan, in ours as Voldemort."

"I see."

"We believe that you are the Great Hippopotamus reincarnated. You are our only hope of stopping the Dark Lord. There's no one but you on this world pure enough to fight him, not even the Christians."

"What on Earth is a Christian?"

Jocasta clapped a hand to her mouth. "Oops, forget I said that. Anyways, you need your sleep for tomorrow. We'll pick you up in the main room tomorrow morning."

"What about Hagrid?"

"Didn't he tell you? He'll be Floo-ing back to Hogsmeade tonight. He can't ride the train; it's not traditional."

"Okay. Goodnight, then."

Jocasta smiled and waved as Jesus shuffled over to Hagrid and said his good-byes. Jesus felt abandoned, though he knew it would only be for one night.

As he lay in bed, the events of the day roared through his head, a jumble of crocodiles, owls, creepy boys and wizards with ridiculous, idiotic hats. It was a long time before he fell asleep.