Ja, ja!
by Sad WTF
Chapter 2. Get the Jiggling Away
---
Piggy jiggled. And jiggled. And then jiggled some more. Piggy jiggled, giggled, and wiggled as he stuffed his face with a bunch of unhealthy crap he believed was food. Just then, Sweaty Officer #1 barged in, causing Piggy to scream in terror and jiggle even more than before. Sweaty Officer #1 started to sweat profusely in disgust, much to the dismay of everyone else, whose tolerance for gratuitous jiggling and sweating had reached its limit.
"Piggy!" bellowed Sweaty Officer #1. "I thought I told you to-"
"Yeah, whatever," interrupted Piggy.
Sweaty Officer #1 raised his fist and realized his smelting stick was missing from it. He quickly grabbed a cane from a helpless passing elderly person (that's how horrible Sweaty Officer #1 was. The bastard), and began his daily ritual of smelting Piggy. But enough about that. Who cares about Piggy? We all care about Doc. (Or Captain) Because I say so, dammit.
**************************************************
Captain was staring at the marvelous array of asterisks which were trying to look like stars in the sky while simultaneously posing as an indication that the scene had changed, while tears poured down his handsome face. His silent agony was unbearable, but such is the life of a greatly misunderstood character. Just then, Doc broke the oh-so-dramatic moment by bursting in in an even more melodramatic manner.
"Captain!"
Captain turned. "How do you know my name?"
Doc paused for only a moment. "I read the fic," He quickly went on before Captain could ask him any questions, "Captain, I'm so sorry about calling you a Nazi. I'm also sorry about calling you a Nazi-ish Nazi. Person. Thing."
Captain smiled a great smile as his whole face beamed with some sort of positive emotion. "Nobody ever apologized to me before."
"Well, I never apologized to anyone before." And that was because he never had to. Doc is that much of a- oh, nevermind.
"We have so much in common," said Captain, confusing the readers and writer alike. "Let's be friends."
"Great idea! Then we can kill Piggy together."
Both laughed heartily, then abruptly stopped when Sweaty Officer #1 walked past with his party of stupid people, dragging Piggy behind him. They all stopped once more when the pair of friends didn't even lift a finger in salute. Sweaty Officer #1 looked at Doc and nodded, knowing his 'ailment'. But he frowned when he found nothing wrong with Captain at all. He quickly stepped forward, the hint of a sweaty outburst beginning on his face.
"You! Insolent person who is alarmingly more handsome than I am! How dare you not salute me like you should've? Are you deaf?"
When Captain didn't answer, Sweaty Officer #1 splashed people around him with his perspiration as he grabbed a gun in rage. Doc quickly stepped forward, with a slightly apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry. My friend here is mute."
Sweaty Officer #1's eyes grew wide in realization. What a simple, yet completely invalid reason! "I'm sorry, lad. I didn't know. Wait," he turned to Doc," I thought you were deaf?"
"I can read lips, of course."
"Oh, yes, of course," stuttered Sweaty Officer #1, "Carry on, everybody. You've all done very well." He almost fell over, and someone in the back had to catch him.
Piggy's eyes gleamed as he looked at Captain. What a beautiful, perfect person. Someone worthy of being his left hand man! He nodded to himself, then promptly was dragged away by Sweaty Officer #1. Captain sighed in relief as the smelly party moved out of sight. "That was close. But I'll never say anything, ever again. At least, when they're around."
There was no time for any other exchanges, because just then, Doc's cellphone rang. Which was rather odd, because cellphones didn't exist back then. But that was how much a genius Doc was! Even though his mental superiority had nothing to do with his possession of a mobile communication device. Unless he built it himself. Yes, that's it. But no matter how he had procured this ingenious machine, Doc answered it promptly.
"Yes?"
"Doc! It's me!"
"SICK! Hold on a moment, will you?" Doc turned to Captain with his hand over the mouthpiece, about to explain that the individual on the phone was a certain annoying whorish brother of his, when the whole place shook with very loud laughter. Captain covered his ears, and Doc went back to talking to his brother, who couldn't hear Doc over the incessant laughs. Doc screeched in annoyance, as he too couldn't hear his brother. But Captain, even with covered ears, had such amazing hearing, that he could hear every word.
"Your brother is sending his bastard children for you to look after?"
That moment was one of the greatest moments in the 20th century, for three very important things happened right around the same time. Doc screamed. His brother hung up. And a disturbingly smexeriffic manly woman appeared from behind a fence, cursing loudly at the impossibly large group of laughing Nazis around her. Captain was amazed by the sheer number of Nazis that surrounded the woman, but he didn't break his vow of never speaking to anyone who wasn't Doc. Doc, however, made no such vow, and couldn't help but exclaim to the annoyed looking man-woman-thing.
"Who might you be, to be escorted by such a impossible number of Nazis? All laughing for that manner?"
The woman scowled, and grabbed a scythe out of nowhere. She promptly turned and threatened the Nazis with it, and the Nazis quickly took a few steps back, ceasing their laughs for a few moments. The woman quickly turned back to the two, and glared. "I'm Joleen. And I found these stupid Nazis in the road. I came to drop them off at this lost Nazi shelter. And I'm tired of them laughing because they like my jahoobies."
The Nazis all erupted into laughter at her last word. Doc and Captain looked at each other in confusion. Joleen grunted in anger and started to stomp off.
"I'm leaving."
"Oh, no you don't!"
Piggy sprouted from the ground in front of Joleen, as a dramatic chord played from out of nowhere. Joleen kicked Piggy's fat, which jiggled violently. Piggy leered.
"Nobody makes it out of this place alive. I'm sorry, fraulein, but you'll have to become a Nazi. Forever."
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
"Yes!" laughed Piggy.
---
To be continued, of course. Thank you for your reviews, everyone! I thank Rikku for her little suggestions, and don't worry. More characters will appear soon.
by Sad WTF
Chapter 2. Get the Jiggling Away
---
Piggy jiggled. And jiggled. And then jiggled some more. Piggy jiggled, giggled, and wiggled as he stuffed his face with a bunch of unhealthy crap he believed was food. Just then, Sweaty Officer #1 barged in, causing Piggy to scream in terror and jiggle even more than before. Sweaty Officer #1 started to sweat profusely in disgust, much to the dismay of everyone else, whose tolerance for gratuitous jiggling and sweating had reached its limit.
"Piggy!" bellowed Sweaty Officer #1. "I thought I told you to-"
"Yeah, whatever," interrupted Piggy.
Sweaty Officer #1 raised his fist and realized his smelting stick was missing from it. He quickly grabbed a cane from a helpless passing elderly person (that's how horrible Sweaty Officer #1 was. The bastard), and began his daily ritual of smelting Piggy. But enough about that. Who cares about Piggy? We all care about Doc. (Or Captain) Because I say so, dammit.
**************************************************
Captain was staring at the marvelous array of asterisks which were trying to look like stars in the sky while simultaneously posing as an indication that the scene had changed, while tears poured down his handsome face. His silent agony was unbearable, but such is the life of a greatly misunderstood character. Just then, Doc broke the oh-so-dramatic moment by bursting in in an even more melodramatic manner.
"Captain!"
Captain turned. "How do you know my name?"
Doc paused for only a moment. "I read the fic," He quickly went on before Captain could ask him any questions, "Captain, I'm so sorry about calling you a Nazi. I'm also sorry about calling you a Nazi-ish Nazi. Person. Thing."
Captain smiled a great smile as his whole face beamed with some sort of positive emotion. "Nobody ever apologized to me before."
"Well, I never apologized to anyone before." And that was because he never had to. Doc is that much of a- oh, nevermind.
"We have so much in common," said Captain, confusing the readers and writer alike. "Let's be friends."
"Great idea! Then we can kill Piggy together."
Both laughed heartily, then abruptly stopped when Sweaty Officer #1 walked past with his party of stupid people, dragging Piggy behind him. They all stopped once more when the pair of friends didn't even lift a finger in salute. Sweaty Officer #1 looked at Doc and nodded, knowing his 'ailment'. But he frowned when he found nothing wrong with Captain at all. He quickly stepped forward, the hint of a sweaty outburst beginning on his face.
"You! Insolent person who is alarmingly more handsome than I am! How dare you not salute me like you should've? Are you deaf?"
When Captain didn't answer, Sweaty Officer #1 splashed people around him with his perspiration as he grabbed a gun in rage. Doc quickly stepped forward, with a slightly apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry. My friend here is mute."
Sweaty Officer #1's eyes grew wide in realization. What a simple, yet completely invalid reason! "I'm sorry, lad. I didn't know. Wait," he turned to Doc," I thought you were deaf?"
"I can read lips, of course."
"Oh, yes, of course," stuttered Sweaty Officer #1, "Carry on, everybody. You've all done very well." He almost fell over, and someone in the back had to catch him.
Piggy's eyes gleamed as he looked at Captain. What a beautiful, perfect person. Someone worthy of being his left hand man! He nodded to himself, then promptly was dragged away by Sweaty Officer #1. Captain sighed in relief as the smelly party moved out of sight. "That was close. But I'll never say anything, ever again. At least, when they're around."
There was no time for any other exchanges, because just then, Doc's cellphone rang. Which was rather odd, because cellphones didn't exist back then. But that was how much a genius Doc was! Even though his mental superiority had nothing to do with his possession of a mobile communication device. Unless he built it himself. Yes, that's it. But no matter how he had procured this ingenious machine, Doc answered it promptly.
"Yes?"
"Doc! It's me!"
"SICK! Hold on a moment, will you?" Doc turned to Captain with his hand over the mouthpiece, about to explain that the individual on the phone was a certain annoying whorish brother of his, when the whole place shook with very loud laughter. Captain covered his ears, and Doc went back to talking to his brother, who couldn't hear Doc over the incessant laughs. Doc screeched in annoyance, as he too couldn't hear his brother. But Captain, even with covered ears, had such amazing hearing, that he could hear every word.
"Your brother is sending his bastard children for you to look after?"
That moment was one of the greatest moments in the 20th century, for three very important things happened right around the same time. Doc screamed. His brother hung up. And a disturbingly smexeriffic manly woman appeared from behind a fence, cursing loudly at the impossibly large group of laughing Nazis around her. Captain was amazed by the sheer number of Nazis that surrounded the woman, but he didn't break his vow of never speaking to anyone who wasn't Doc. Doc, however, made no such vow, and couldn't help but exclaim to the annoyed looking man-woman-thing.
"Who might you be, to be escorted by such a impossible number of Nazis? All laughing for that manner?"
The woman scowled, and grabbed a scythe out of nowhere. She promptly turned and threatened the Nazis with it, and the Nazis quickly took a few steps back, ceasing their laughs for a few moments. The woman quickly turned back to the two, and glared. "I'm Joleen. And I found these stupid Nazis in the road. I came to drop them off at this lost Nazi shelter. And I'm tired of them laughing because they like my jahoobies."
The Nazis all erupted into laughter at her last word. Doc and Captain looked at each other in confusion. Joleen grunted in anger and started to stomp off.
"I'm leaving."
"Oh, no you don't!"
Piggy sprouted from the ground in front of Joleen, as a dramatic chord played from out of nowhere. Joleen kicked Piggy's fat, which jiggled violently. Piggy leered.
"Nobody makes it out of this place alive. I'm sorry, fraulein, but you'll have to become a Nazi. Forever."
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
"Yes!" laughed Piggy.
---
To be continued, of course. Thank you for your reviews, everyone! I thank Rikku for her little suggestions, and don't worry. More characters will appear soon.
