Ja, ja!

by Sad WTF

Chapter 5. Hans von Vitzland, Manfred, Ge Ge, and Fritz

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Sex and violence ensued. Until Joleen changed the channel. "Damned commercials, filled with nothing but rubbish nowadays."

But all focus left Joleen before people could start questioning where she'd gotten an HD-TV. Who cares about that, anyway? Everyone cares about Walter. WTF

Walter lay there. And lay there. And lay there. Until everyone grew impatient and shook him awake. He gasped and jumped up. "Oh, no! Nazis!" he looked at Captain. "Nazi ghouls!"

But anything else was cut off by Captain, who shed big tears as he hugged Walter. "BUNNY!" he exclaimed.

"Stop that, Lennie!" demanded Doc.

"Hans!" said Rip.

"Yes, stop that, Hans! Look at what you're doing!" Saying this, Doc pointed to the distance, at 40968204397509283049850928342 yaoi fans, creating infinite amounts of doujinshi. Sick!

Captain frowned with disapproval, and Doc turned to slap the fans away, but they made even more amounts of doujinshi that had Doc and Schrodinger in it. Doubly sick. You bastards! DIE WTF

Oh, yes, the story. Yes. Right.

Captain put Walter back down, still sobbing silently. "He looks just like my long dead little brother!" said Captain.

Doc sniffed and pretended he was devoid of emotion, but he shrieked, "He looks just like my long not-dead little brother, too! Before he ran off and became a circus whore, that is."

"AWW, HOW CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE," exclaimed Captain and Doc in unison, as they pinched Walter's cheeks.

"Sick, stop that!" whined Walter. "You remind me of my old maid aunts! Actually, you look like my grandmother." And Doc smacked Walter's hand away before he could clearly point out who it was.

Jan laughed and barged in. "Doc definitely looks like my grandmother."

Doc turned and glared at Jan. "That's it!" thundered Doc. "You're going to boot camp!"

Then Doc threw Jan and Luke to England, where they accidentally ended up at a fetish bar, which they promptly took over. I have no idea, so don't ask.

Walter twiddled his thumbs and looked around. Doc stamped his foot, causing the whole place to shake. "Now you, you go back to wherever you came from, before Piggy comes in here. He'd probably boil you alive and eat you."

Everyone else cried in horror. Doc's eyes gleamed from behind his glasses as he raised his hand grimly to silence them. "Or worse yet, turn you into... A NAZI!"

Everyone else shrieked and screamed while some people fainted. How terrible. Walter folded his arms across his chest. "But I'm here to kill ghouls! I'm not leaving until they're all dead."

"I'll throw them into the lake or something, so go now," said an exasperated Doc.

"NO!"

"YES! GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT," roared Doc. Walter blinked, and Doc looked around. "Oh, right. I mean go home."

Walter was about to come up with the most smartassed remark made in the history of man-kind. But unfortunately, that comment was forever lost when Piggy barged in. Everyone screamed and panicked. Captain stuffed Walter into a cupboard before Piggy could see.

Piggy sniffed, then stomped right in, bellowing, "FEE-FI-FO-FUM." But that was the only bit he could manage, because everyone slapped him back out of the building.

"That was close," breathed Doc. "Quick, Captain! Get him out of here! Throw him towards England or something." Captain nodded and grabbed Walter by the vest, running out with amazing speed in a way only Captain could. He promptly threw Walter towards England, and almost landed him in a fetish bar, but luckily Walter landed in Hellsing mansion instead, which was right next to the bar anyway. What the-? Walter landed on Aaron, kicking his glasses off.

Arthur Hellsing applauded loudly. "Excellent aim, young Walter! 5 points will be awarded to your house."

Walter straightened his vest and looked at Arthur Hellsing. What an odd man he was. Oh, well. With his job done, he went back to washing dishes.

INSERT ASTERISKS HERE.

All may have gone well in England, but there was still trouble for Piggy in Germany. Because Alucard had just arrived.

Piggy screamed. Then he screamed some more. He screamed more than he had ever jiggled in his life. And we all know that's quite a lot of screaming, because he jiggles a whole damned too much. He turned and pounded on the door to Doc's lab. "Let me in! OMG LET ME IN!!!"

But everyone just stared out at Piggy. Even the laughing Nazis were inside. They started a rap to drown out Piggy's cries as Alucard approached him, tearing up ghouls in terrible ways. "Hello, little Piggy," said Alucard. "Time to die!"

Alucard quickly pounced, biting Piggy here and there. Then he bit him some more. He stopped when he realized nothing was puncturing Piggy. Piggy was merely jiggling in his fright, causing Alucard to feel gravely ill. "Very well, Piggy. You may have defeated me this time, but mark my words! I will be back next time," said Alucard, as he laughed. And then he threw himself back to England.

Piggy opened his eyes 2309485 hours later, when "THE LEADER" approached with a jingle of icecream truck music. He jumped out and started to scream at Piggy, throwing everything he could get his hands on at Piggy's fat head. "How could you let my undead army get destroyed like that!?"

"I'm sorry, mein fuhrer! I'll get Doc to make you another ghoul army," whimpered Piggy.

"Ghoul army?? GHOUL ARMY!? Whoever said anything about a GHOUL army!? I said I wanted a VAMPIRE ARMY!" screamed "THE LEADER", outraged.

Piggy gasped in realization. "I completely forgot!"

Piggy would have died right then and there, but Himmler jumped out of nowhere, and "THE LEADER" shot him instead. Unfortunately, it was merely a clone. But who cares about Himmler and his abominable clones?

"Piggy, you better come up with vampires, or ELSE," snarled "THE LEADER". Then he promptly jumped into his icecream truck and zoomed away.

Piggy sobbed for many hours, feeling sorry for himself, when Schrodinger jumped out of nowhere and hugged Piggy. "Piggy, don't worry! You'll succeed this time."

"Oh, Schrodinger!" cried Piggy. "How kind of you to say that!"

Everyone jumped out before something sick could happen, pushing Schrodinger far out of the way. Piggy jumped up, beaming. "Well, guess we're moving!"

Doc rolled his eyes. "Where are we moving to?"

"South America!"

"WHAT!?" everyone screamed.

"Well, everyone else is moving there. It's far too dangerous around here to make vampires in secret, DOC," said Piggy, batting his eyes. Doc screamed in disgust.

So off to South America they will go.

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To be continued, again. Yay.