Ja, ja!
by Sad WTF
Chapter 7. And Maxwell Dances a Jig in the Streets
---
An indescribably long number of days passed. Sufficiently long - but not equivalent - days passed in real life as well, to further enhance the realistic aspects of this fic. This had nothing to do with the fact that the writer was busy. No, of course not!
Piggy had finally recovered enough to return to his daily amount of jiggling. The South American movie star/gangster, who introduced himself as Alhambra, was entranced by Piggy's wobbly flesh, his pupils constricting and dilating with each jiggle, his eyes focusing on every tiny tremor from Piggy's trembling bottom. I can't believe I just wrote that.
"You must have magical powers in you," breathed Alhambra, amazed.
Piggy turned and looked up at Alhambra, frowning. "Who are you?" he asked.
"He's the one who dug us out, you Scheißkopf," barked Doc.
"OH! Right!" nodded Piggy, jiggling some more.
"Actually, I'm more than just that," laughed Alhambra, "I'm really a secret Nazi agent who has been waiting for just the right moment to deliver something to you."
A dramatic chord sounded, and Doc muttered something that sounded like "Contrived". His words were drowned out by Piggy's squealing, however.
"I get a PRESENT!?" screamed Piggy.
"Not really," said Alhambra, visually disturbed. "I have a message for you, from 'THE LEADER'."
Saying so, Alhambra quickly grabbed a tiny device from his back pocket before Piggy could scream again, and threw it onto the ground. The device clicked, and projected a tiny holographic image of an ice-cream truck. An even tinier image of "THE LEADER" climbed out of the truck, shaking his translucent fist.
"I never knew I would say this," "THE LEADER" began. "But help me, Montana Piggy, you are my only hope."
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" shouted Piggy, trying to grab for the device.
"NO!" screamed the image of "THE LEADER", as if he knew all of Piggy's next 23409621093840961209341234 moves. "Don't touch the device. The only way you can help me is to take over the world, also known as – The United Kingdom!"
"WOW!" roared Piggy, revived with a new found strength he hadn't possessed before. ""THE LEADER" must be psychically linked with me to come up with the same idea that I had!!! Come, my invincible Nazi vampire army! We shall triumph with WORLD DOMINATION!"
Piggy jumped into what he considered an intimidating pose. The laughing Nazis, who had been stunned into silence due to their long time confinement, were finally stirred into a roaring sea of laughter.
"Well, what are we waiting for!?" exclaimed Piggy. "Off to the zeppelin! You stay here, Alhambra, and do something annoying to make people notice us! I hear Alucard's still unalive! Maybe he'll come and get your autograph!"
"Oh, good!" exclaimed Alhambra. "Maybe he'll dress up real sexy and bring the press over, too! I like cameras!" Alhambra moon-walked back into his shiny silver metallic Corvette, and drove off with a blast of disco music.
"Doc! DOC!!! DOC!!!!!!!!!!! DOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOOOOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Piggy continued to scream out Doc's name, even though Doc was standing right next to him.
"WHAT!?" screamed Doc.
Piggy jumped, and grinned as if nothing happened, although his profuse sweating indicated that he had, indeed, been immensely startled. "I want you to phone those lazy nephews of yours and tell them to go give that Hellsing woman a wedgie! That should scare her!"
Doc would have been disturbed by Piggy's idea, had he been listening. He was reading a Japanese Manga about vampires and Nazis instead, and he screamed when he got to volume 2.
"NOOOOOO!!! The two people who look eerily like my nephews just got killed in horrible ways!" screamed Doc.
"Wow, the same thing just happened on television too," said Joleen, who had been watching a Japanese Anime about vampires, but no Nazis. "Your younger nephew looked like he burned himself in a toaster, and got yellow contacts."
Doc went into convulsions, fearing the worst. As well he should have, because that's exactly what happened in England. Piggy didn't care, and he quickly jumped into a plot hole to drag them closer to England.
INSERT ASTERISKS HERE.
The most indescribable events passed in the small amount of time it took to type "INSERT ASTERISKS HERE". Elaborate plots such as these could have been divulged in the wittiest ways possible had the writer still had her humor intact. Her sanity was waning, however, and her writing became as minimalist as possible. Therefore, such events could only be broken down into two words: People died.
Yes, people died in horrible ways. Alhambra was unfortunately unable to take the pressure of stardom and collapsed into Alucard's arms during a remake of "Romeo and Juliet".
Rip met a similar fate, except it was a pornographic version of "Romeo and Juliet".
The KKK took over Italy, while Maxwell danced a jig in the streets (But that's another story).
I wish I could say that wonderful things happened to the rest of Millenium, but unfortunately, Kouta Hirano jumped out of my closet and threw me into the Red Sea. I flew off, cursing the evil ways of Hirano and questioning why this had suddenly become first-person.
Once Kouta Hirano took over, the whole world went into instant destruction, where Alucard went on a gory rampage, killing everyone in horrible ways.
THE END.
Or it would have been, had Kouta Hirano been able to get away with committing such atrocities as taking away the plot of Hellsing. Yes, Doc jumped out of the Hellsing Manga like some corny rip-off version of a Stephen King novel, and beat him out of the house with a shovel.
Soon after, the Hellsing Manga ended abruptly, with a small note at the end, written in large, loopy letters:
'Having thus defeated the fiendish dictator, I am happy to write that the abomination known as Piggy – an entity that one shudders to recall the memories of – has finally succumbed to a combination of Malaria, Variola, and Trigeminal Neuralgia. Thus being freed, I shall escape into the world, leaving the most atrocious of memories forever behind me.'
Isn't that a better ending than Kouta Hirano's? It better be. But I bet you're wondering about what happened to Captain. I have no idea either.
THE END.
---
...Well, I wish I could have written a better ending, but suffice to say, by the time I got to writing this, I had forgotten what I had intended to do with the last chapter, and my writing had changed so much that it was torturous trying to copy my previous "style". Also, I hadn't spoken to my inspiration, Rikku, for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be insane in a good way. Sorry about that... But it's better than not finishing this fic at all, isn't it? Oh, and I also thank my friend Oureboros for coming up with the title.
Stay tuned for an Iscariot version of this fic...As soon as I find my inspiration! Gasp. ::runs off::
by Sad WTF
Chapter 7. And Maxwell Dances a Jig in the Streets
---
An indescribably long number of days passed. Sufficiently long - but not equivalent - days passed in real life as well, to further enhance the realistic aspects of this fic. This had nothing to do with the fact that the writer was busy. No, of course not!
Piggy had finally recovered enough to return to his daily amount of jiggling. The South American movie star/gangster, who introduced himself as Alhambra, was entranced by Piggy's wobbly flesh, his pupils constricting and dilating with each jiggle, his eyes focusing on every tiny tremor from Piggy's trembling bottom. I can't believe I just wrote that.
"You must have magical powers in you," breathed Alhambra, amazed.
Piggy turned and looked up at Alhambra, frowning. "Who are you?" he asked.
"He's the one who dug us out, you Scheißkopf," barked Doc.
"OH! Right!" nodded Piggy, jiggling some more.
"Actually, I'm more than just that," laughed Alhambra, "I'm really a secret Nazi agent who has been waiting for just the right moment to deliver something to you."
A dramatic chord sounded, and Doc muttered something that sounded like "Contrived". His words were drowned out by Piggy's squealing, however.
"I get a PRESENT!?" screamed Piggy.
"Not really," said Alhambra, visually disturbed. "I have a message for you, from 'THE LEADER'."
Saying so, Alhambra quickly grabbed a tiny device from his back pocket before Piggy could scream again, and threw it onto the ground. The device clicked, and projected a tiny holographic image of an ice-cream truck. An even tinier image of "THE LEADER" climbed out of the truck, shaking his translucent fist.
"I never knew I would say this," "THE LEADER" began. "But help me, Montana Piggy, you are my only hope."
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" shouted Piggy, trying to grab for the device.
"NO!" screamed the image of "THE LEADER", as if he knew all of Piggy's next 23409621093840961209341234 moves. "Don't touch the device. The only way you can help me is to take over the world, also known as – The United Kingdom!"
"WOW!" roared Piggy, revived with a new found strength he hadn't possessed before. ""THE LEADER" must be psychically linked with me to come up with the same idea that I had!!! Come, my invincible Nazi vampire army! We shall triumph with WORLD DOMINATION!"
Piggy jumped into what he considered an intimidating pose. The laughing Nazis, who had been stunned into silence due to their long time confinement, were finally stirred into a roaring sea of laughter.
"Well, what are we waiting for!?" exclaimed Piggy. "Off to the zeppelin! You stay here, Alhambra, and do something annoying to make people notice us! I hear Alucard's still unalive! Maybe he'll come and get your autograph!"
"Oh, good!" exclaimed Alhambra. "Maybe he'll dress up real sexy and bring the press over, too! I like cameras!" Alhambra moon-walked back into his shiny silver metallic Corvette, and drove off with a blast of disco music.
"Doc! DOC!!! DOC!!!!!!!!!!! DOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOOOOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Piggy continued to scream out Doc's name, even though Doc was standing right next to him.
"WHAT!?" screamed Doc.
Piggy jumped, and grinned as if nothing happened, although his profuse sweating indicated that he had, indeed, been immensely startled. "I want you to phone those lazy nephews of yours and tell them to go give that Hellsing woman a wedgie! That should scare her!"
Doc would have been disturbed by Piggy's idea, had he been listening. He was reading a Japanese Manga about vampires and Nazis instead, and he screamed when he got to volume 2.
"NOOOOOO!!! The two people who look eerily like my nephews just got killed in horrible ways!" screamed Doc.
"Wow, the same thing just happened on television too," said Joleen, who had been watching a Japanese Anime about vampires, but no Nazis. "Your younger nephew looked like he burned himself in a toaster, and got yellow contacts."
Doc went into convulsions, fearing the worst. As well he should have, because that's exactly what happened in England. Piggy didn't care, and he quickly jumped into a plot hole to drag them closer to England.
INSERT ASTERISKS HERE.
The most indescribable events passed in the small amount of time it took to type "INSERT ASTERISKS HERE". Elaborate plots such as these could have been divulged in the wittiest ways possible had the writer still had her humor intact. Her sanity was waning, however, and her writing became as minimalist as possible. Therefore, such events could only be broken down into two words: People died.
Yes, people died in horrible ways. Alhambra was unfortunately unable to take the pressure of stardom and collapsed into Alucard's arms during a remake of "Romeo and Juliet".
Rip met a similar fate, except it was a pornographic version of "Romeo and Juliet".
The KKK took over Italy, while Maxwell danced a jig in the streets (But that's another story).
I wish I could say that wonderful things happened to the rest of Millenium, but unfortunately, Kouta Hirano jumped out of my closet and threw me into the Red Sea. I flew off, cursing the evil ways of Hirano and questioning why this had suddenly become first-person.
Once Kouta Hirano took over, the whole world went into instant destruction, where Alucard went on a gory rampage, killing everyone in horrible ways.
THE END.
Or it would have been, had Kouta Hirano been able to get away with committing such atrocities as taking away the plot of Hellsing. Yes, Doc jumped out of the Hellsing Manga like some corny rip-off version of a Stephen King novel, and beat him out of the house with a shovel.
Soon after, the Hellsing Manga ended abruptly, with a small note at the end, written in large, loopy letters:
'Having thus defeated the fiendish dictator, I am happy to write that the abomination known as Piggy – an entity that one shudders to recall the memories of – has finally succumbed to a combination of Malaria, Variola, and Trigeminal Neuralgia. Thus being freed, I shall escape into the world, leaving the most atrocious of memories forever behind me.'
Isn't that a better ending than Kouta Hirano's? It better be. But I bet you're wondering about what happened to Captain. I have no idea either.
THE END.
---
...Well, I wish I could have written a better ending, but suffice to say, by the time I got to writing this, I had forgotten what I had intended to do with the last chapter, and my writing had changed so much that it was torturous trying to copy my previous "style". Also, I hadn't spoken to my inspiration, Rikku, for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be insane in a good way. Sorry about that... But it's better than not finishing this fic at all, isn't it? Oh, and I also thank my friend Oureboros for coming up with the title.
Stay tuned for an Iscariot version of this fic...As soon as I find my inspiration! Gasp. ::runs off::
