Special Note to Reviewers:
Ok you guys, I'm ready to answer some of your questions:
syaoran_lover: I'm actually from Argentina, so Spanish is my first language, but I've been learning English since I was a child and (no idea why) it comes quite naturally to me. I assure you, I am under 18 (unlucky for me)
heartie, Ruby-chan,...the rest of the E+T lovers : I trust you'll like this chapter, there'll be more in future chapters
ButterFly: a great deal of Tomoyo and Eriol's history is dealt with in this chapter. I hope you'll find the answers you are looking for.
white_angel: *blushes* Really, about this fan club...I'm not the person to ask, you should go directly to syaoran_lover or sarah_chan.
Small Lady: A friendship between Tomoyo and Syaoran is something I've always wanted to explore, and I thought that this story was perfect for it. Since Sakura is what has always connected them, her absence could bring them even closer now that they have the same goal: to find her.
Authors Notes:
So here is part seven. I expect most of you will skip this and go directly to the story, eager as you sounded to read this chapter. No, really, I think this has been the most wanted chapter so far. I didn't know there were so many E+T fans reading this, especially since it started as pure S+S. Well, I've decided that both couples deserve writing, so here is a pure E+T chapter. I have to warn though, this one's very anguishing, and it's seen entirely through Eriol's eyes. So prepare yourself for some deep, intense Eriol angst.
This chapter is a tribute to one of the most complex, tangled, true loves I've ever known. I'm dedicating this to my loyal reviewers, especially to those who hold E+T deep in their hearts.
"I'll say goodbye for the two of us: When the truth breaks the silence"
Part seven: "Healing"
by cherry blossom
Eriol lay in the bed Tomoyo had prepared for him, wide awake. He knew he should get some sleep, but he hadn't even bothered to try. How was he to sleep having Tomoyo so near him again? He got up and walked to the right wall of his room. He put his hand upon it, and then rested his head against it. He knew she was in the next room, and this way he felt closer to her.
Eriol sighed. He longed to touch her, to be with her, just like in old times. What they had shared had been so quick and intense. But circumstances had forced him to dissent. And she had been so heart-broken, he hadn't wanted to risk ever hurting her again. Why did things have to be so complicated? He had convinced himself that he could put this part of his life behind. But he knew better. He would never be able to forget her.
Suddenly, he heard a muffled sound. It seemed to be coming from Tomoyo's room. He frowned and got out of his room and into the hallway. He stood in front of Tomoyo's door and knocked. There was no response. He knocked again, a bit more firmly. Nothing.
"Tomoyo!" he called "Are you all right?"
"Go away!" Tomoyo's voice sounded scratchy and angry.
"Tomoyo, please, let me come in" he asked
"I told you to go away! I have nothing to say to you" she replied angrily. He could hear her sobbing fiercely. Hell, something really had to be wrong, Eriol thought. She just didn't lose it like that. Then again you haven't been around for a while, remember? an annoying voice in his head told him. Remorse filled him as he knocked one last time.
"If you won't let me come in I'll enter in my on way" he said. The crying could still be heard.
"Fine, I'm coming in" he said, muttered a few words and the door unlocked. He opened it gently and let himself inside, preparing himself for the worst.
And indeed finding it.
Tomoyo stood on the edge of her balcony, completely immobile, while the wind gently played with hair long hair and her nightgown.
At first Eriol only stared, unable to make a move. A million thoughts crossed his mind, urging him to run, pull her back, to do something, to do anything! But his body wouldn't react. Fear as raw and intense as he had never known paralyzed him. He struggled to move, as he watched, horrified, how his beloved Tomoyo took another step towards a sure and horrible death. No, this can't be happening! Dammit, you idiot get a grip and move! he thought, his mind finally clearing, and once it did he didn't have to think it twice.
"Tomoyo!" he cried as he darted forward, as fast as his legs would take him.
In one quick move he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back, causing both of them to crash into the window and fall back in violently. Eriol protected Tomoyo with his body from the scattered glass that was falling around them. Only when silence filled the room again, he dared lift his head and loosen his embrace a bit fearing how she would be.
Eriol's POV
"Tomoyo?" I ask, worried.
Tomoyo's eyes are half open, her vision unfocused. She is breathing irregularly and trembling from head to feet. I scoop her up and carry her to bed, where I lay her down carefully, and kneel beside the bed. I then check her pulse and listen intently to her heart. It's beating a bit fast, but seems to be slowing down. I wait for some minutes in silence, until I finally can't take it anymore.
"Tomoyo-chan, are you awake?" I whisper. Tomoyo gazes at me with difficulty, as if having trouble in focusing.
"Eriol? Is that you?" she asks.
Her voice helps a bit to soothe my still frazzled nerves. But the adrenaline is still flowing through my veins, and gets the best of me
"It's me, all right, what the hell were you just doing?!" I ask angrier than I knew I could get. Tomoyo opens her mouth, obviously trying to articulate a word but not succeeding. "What were you thinking?! You could have killed yourself!" I shout, not being able to control myself. She lowers her head. Oh, shit, was that the intention? Was she actually trying to kill herself? "Why? Why would you ever? What the hell is wrong with you?!" I demand to know, my voice even louder than before. Her eyes blur, and a tear falls down her cheek. Oh, god I've made her cry. I can't believe I just did that.
"Oh, Tomoyo, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I was just so afraid, so..." I say softly reaching for her.
But she moves away "What's wrong? Tell me please" I reach for her again but she looks up, angry tears in her eyes. "I told you to go away!" she says wrathfully "Get out of my room now"
"But, Tomoyo, I-"
"How did you get in anyway? Oh, I suppose using that magic of yours. Yeah you seem to depend an awful lot on it, ne?" What is she talking about? What does this have to do with anything?
"What are you trying to say? I'm just-"
"Don't bother, I don't care. You never said anything before, did you? Why should I listen now? Go and mind your important magical business and leave me alone!" she states severely.
And that hurts, it hurts so damn much. I can feel my heart crack in two right on this very second. Oh, god, I can see it know. So she is still hurt by that. Of course, you asshole, you only made her waste her time and then left her heart-broken I scold myself. Shit, this is going to be harder than I thought.
"Please, let me explain" I beg
"What is there to explain?" she asks coldly "You left me and that's IT"
Oh, god. The look she is giving me could freeze fire itself. I never thought I'd have her eyes directed at me in that way. Please, my darling, don't look at me like at that. Can't you see you're stabbing my heart when you do? I gasp for air, as it seems insufficient and attempt once again to explain.
"It's not like that, if you'd just listen to me-"
"NO! I don't want to hear a word from you. I'm not cutting your head off because I sadly depend on you to find Sakura! But forget about everything else. We had our chance and you blew it! You ditched me, and it hurt Eriol! It hurt a lot..." with that last words she breaks into tears again and I feel like killing myself. God, I've made her cry once again. Just to think that I'm responsible for her pain doubles mine. Anguish, remorse, guilt settle upon me as I reach out for her hand.
Then she rejects my touch and I feel like dying. I need to explain what made me leave. She needs to know the truth. She deserves it.
"Tomoyo" I begin softly. "I can explain, but I need you to listen. I take full blame for all the grief in your life, I don't expect you to forgive me, but please, hear me out. It's all I'm asking" She doesn't answer, but nods softly for me to know she's listening. Ok, my love, I'll tell you.
"I left you because I loved you." I begin. She makes an attempt to say something but I hold up my hand. "Let me finish please"
"There was a threat, you see. A very dark, powerful force had come out with one goal: to finish me off. But it didn't want to kill me. He had a different theory than most of the evil, you see. Instead of killing me, he wanted to kill the people I loved most, so I'd suffer. Smart plan, of course. Luckily, I found out about it before he started, so there was only one thing left for me to do: leave you and the rest of my friends. But most especially you. You see, I can't bear even to think about your absence. I can't imagine a world without you. I can't imagine life without you. If you weren't in this world, what would I do? What would it be like? All the good would be bad, all the light dark, right would be wrong... I'm nothing without you. Your loss is inconceivable.
So I did something selfish. I let you suffer so I wouldn't lose you. I left with no satisfactory explanation and it was wrong. I put myself before you and there's no excuse for that. But I was terrified, Tomoyo. The fear of losing you forever was so high it controlled me completely.
Once I left you I became quiet and depressed. I couldn't think of anything else. I traveled around the world heading nowhere. I only lived of my memories about you. My mind being in the past, there was no future for me. It took me quite a long to realize that.
And then I heard the dark force had given up on me, as it could not find me, and had settled on someone else. I still didn't think it was safe to come back, but apparently the force was defeated. And right at that time Cerberous called. And I knew I had to come back. To see you, to touch you, to make sure that you were a real person, not just an angel in my memories. To make sure you were all right...
But you aren't and I'll regret it every day for the rest of my life..." I let my voice trail off, as I feel a knot coming up my throat. My eyes fill with tears I refuse to shed. I try to look away, but Tomoyo finally looks at my in the eye, and I'm not able to unlock my gaze from hers. She stares at me intently, evidently looking for something in my eyes. What is it, my love? What do you want to find?
The silence is driving me crazy, and I can only see what my tear-filled eyes allow me to. Unconsciously, I blink, and a tear streams down my cheeks. I turn my head away, ashamed that she has to see my like this. But in one swift motion she wipes my tear away, softly caressing my cheek.
"I'm sorry, I don't intend to make you feel bad by this, I just-" I stammer not recognizing my own voice. But she doesn't let me finish.
"Eriol, I'm sorry" she says simply. What? Why is she apologizing? My expression must be a clear reflect of my bewildered thoughts, because her lips twitch and for a moment I think I detect a sparkle of laugh in her eyes. But the next second it's gone, and maybe I just imagined it.
"Eriol...I had no idea" she says softly
"I know, I should have told you from the first moment, I just..." I try to think of a reason, farfetched as it might be, for that. But I can't seem to find one.
"I know why you didn't" she whispers. I look up, a silent question in my eyes. Why?
"As hard as you may find it to believe, I know you, Eriol. Better than anyone, I daresay" she says. I only stare. What does she mean?
"What I mean" she begins. Damn, am I that easy to read? "Yes, you are to me. Don't be surprised. With what you've told me now" she continues, and I wince at those words. "With that, I can put all the pieces together. Eriol, your intentions are so good, so pure, that many times they play against you. You are overwhelmed by the burden of being the reincarnation of Clow Reed. You take everything as your responsibility. You think it's your destiny to be alone forever.
You are afraid to love. You are afraid that someone might actually get to you, to the real man inside you. You are afraid you human side will come out, because it's weaker and more vulnerable than your unshakable magical side. You feel safe in that one, because no one can reach you, and you won't get hurt.
But, how long can you stay that way? Deep down you are just a lonely soul, desperately seeking for something you think you can't have. But you are wrong, Eriol. You deserve to love and be loved, just like everyone else.
But what you must understand, is that you are not completely unreachable. I have always known the danger that being with you represented. But I still wanted to be with you. Why? Because I love you. Because I love you so damn much it's impossible for me to do anything else..." her voice trails of and she looks at me with a sad smile on her face.
And I'm speechless. Is she saying what I think she is saying? Has she just used "love" in the present tense? Oh, god I can't believe this. How can she know me so well? How....? Every word she says is true, I can't deny it. After all I've made her suffer, she is still willing to forgive me? How is that even possible? I wouldn't forgive a piece of shit like myself. But then again I'm not her. And she is only the most incredible, pure person in this world. I wonder what I ever did to deserve her.
"I..." my ability of speaking is temporally off. How can I explain with the simplicity of words the feelings she awakens in me? I guess I can't, but since she knows me so, she'll probably interpret the real meaning of those things we call words.
"You are completely right. I can't deny any of those things because they are true. And, I want to apologize. Forgive me for being the arrogant, selfish bastard I am. Forgive me for not realizing the incredible person I had at that time. Forgive me for loving you so much. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable in any way, but I can't hide it. I love you so much it overwhelms me" I whisper.
For a person who reads me that well, se seems surprised. Look at me, my precious one. Do you see the love in my eyes? Do you see the yearning in me, the need to hold you and never let go?
"I was afraid. Afraid I'd lose myself in you and never find a way back. But I'm not afraid anymore, because that is all I want. You are all I want..." I whisper.
I can see tears forming in her eyes, but I daresay they are happy tears. I gently brush them away. Don't cry, my dear, this is the most wonderful thing that had ever happened. I, for once, am choosing the right path.
"Tomoyo, I'm asking, no, I'm begging you to take me back. I want to be the one to hold you when you cry and laugh with you when you are happy. I want to be there for you always. I want to be the person who makes you smile at your worst time. I want to share my life with you. I want us to explore the depths of our hearts together. Please, let me show how much I love you"
She seems to want to speak, but nothing comes out of her mouth. She closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. The answer is coming, and my heart is either to be healed and filled with love, or to be shattered into a million pieces. Will you, my beloved Tomoyo? Will you give me a second chance?
And then a smile appears on her face, and my world shines again. I shorten the distance between us never leaving her eyes until I'm so close I can feel her breath in my face.
"I love you, Eriol" she whispers.
I hear the words and I'm stunned. All I want to do now is lock her in an everlasting kiss...
But I still can't. I need to see it in her eyes first.
Words are just a vague form of communication. A look is worth a thousand of them. So, as she did before, I thoroughly search in her eyes for an answer. I see a million things reflected in them, but I can make out the one I'm seeking.
Love.
I love you too, my Tomoyo.
And with that thought, I finally bring our lips together. I kiss her and the world just fades away. There is only the two of us.
And our love is the most magical thing of all.
