Author's Notes: I'm really sorry for the late update! Again! The truth is that I shouldn't be writing this while I'm in the midst of all my finals, but I can't help it! This is so much more interesting that school! Hopefully, I will manage to continue this story and scrape good notes as well. The only test I've taken so far is math, and I did really well! (Got an A! Can you believe it? I'm so proud of myself ;)

Anyway, I'd like you to know that this is one of the chapters you've been waiting for. Almost everything you've wanted to know will be explained here. It may be a bit confusing, so I'll enlighten you up a little. Basically, Sakura will go through everything that has happened since her nightmare began…She picks up from "I'll Say Goodbye for the Two of Us" (the prequel, in case you haven't read it), and tells everything from her point of view. There's a small Syaoran POV too, and I promise more like it for next chapters.

Someone asked what Earlington was. Well, yes, it is a place. I think it was explained in previous chapters, but well, think of it as the number one evil headquarters ;)
Someone else asked who he was. Perhaps this chapter will give you a part of the answer. You'll have to wait for the rest though.

Lastly, I wanted to warn you that this chapter is the darkest I've written on this fic so far. I felt a shadow hanging over me while I wrote it. It's very disheartening. But it's the truth. And you'll see that's all that matters…

Thanks to all my wonderful, wonderful reviewers! You guys are the best! Luv you all!

"I'll Say Goodbye for the Two of Us: When the Truth Breaks the Silence"

Part Twenty-Three: "Reminiscence"

By cherry blossom

Syaoran's POV

Even after it was gone, the sound was still fixed in my ears. The laughter…It was terrible.

Analyzing it in retrospective, it was something that could have literally drove me crazy in fear. But I guess I was too angry to feel afraid. In fact, my own fury blinded me and I didn't notice Sakura falling until it was too late. In figurative sense, I mean, for at least I managed to catch her before she reached the floor. But she had started falling into the depths of the darkness within her long before that.

So I held her in my arms and carefully listened to her heart. It was beating rather quickly, a bit irregularly, and not very strongly. But the beating was there. I breathed.

Then I noticed he was gone. Thankfully, the lights were still on. I looked at Sakura again. She was very pale and breathing with difficulty. She seemed to be murmuring something. I draw myself nearer.

"…what? No…not here…!" she cried softly.

"Sakura?" I tried, and gently shook her.

"…but I wanted…No! All I wanted…" She didn't appear to have heard me.

A sudden thought hit me. She had only blacked out when she was on the verge of remembering something. Yet, I had never heard her talk in that condition. It sounded to me like she was remembering those things Eriol had talked about. Aloud. I bit my lip. If she couldn't face her memories awake, perhaps she could do it like this. But what if she forgot about them once she regained consciousness? There was only one thing to do.

Gently, I placed her on the floor with her head resting on my knee. I put my right hand on her forehead and held her left hand with my remaining one. I whispered an incantation and concentrated hard.

What I was about to do was a difficult variation of a trick she had once played on me. The fateful night she had left me, Sakura had made sure I registered what she said while I slept, but that I couldn't wake up or talk back to her. That was an easy one, it worked like a recorder. What I wanted to do, though, was a bit more complicated. It was what is vulgarly called "Hypnotism". I was going to make her relieve her memories, make her talk about them to me.

I didn't want to. Oh, I definitely didn't want to. I was terrified of what I may find there. I wished we could just remain in blissful ignorance. But we couldn't. We just couldn't pretend it hadn't happened. It was for the best… I kept telling myself these things while I breathed deeply, finally ready to commence. Or, at least, as ready as I was going to be.

"Sakura? Can you hear me?" I asked gently, but in a firm voice. She stopped muttering for a few seconds. Her eyelids fluttered. When she spoke again, her voice was thin and panicky, but louder as well.

"Syaoran? Where are you?"

"I'm right here, Sakura. I'm holding your hand," I replied patiently, calmly. Intense feelings were threatening to overflow, but I had to keep myself cool to do this.

"But I can't see you!" she cried. "I'm so scared…" Tears began falling through her partially closed eyes.

"I know you are, Sakura," I said as soothingly as I could, while I squeezed my eyes shut. It was taking all of my willpower not to cry. "But what you're seeing isn't real. None of it. You're just remembering. Reality is where I am, holding you and talking to you."

Her sobbing redeemed a little. "Not real? But it feels real to me!"

"That's because you're remembering in a very special way. As if it were happening all over again."

Wrong choice of words. I felt her tense. "W-what do you mean it'll happen again?"

"It won't. I will just seem like that. But nothing can hurt you in your memories, Sakura," I explained weakly. God, I had to get a grip. It broke my heart to see how frightened she was, but it was imperative I remained the calmed one of the two of us. There was no other way out.

"Listen," I continued, before she could argue more. "This is what we'll do: you will describe what is happening at every single moment. I'm right here for you. Whenever you get scared or feel pain, just imagine a knob turning down the volume. Remember, these are only memories. You can turn the pain or fear down whenever you want to. If you can't deal with it, I'll help you turn it down. I'm right here for you," I repeated the last words, just to make sure she got a clear message. I wasn't going anywhere. She wouldn't have to deal with things alone this time.

"You promise?" she whispered. I felt my hear swell.

"I promise," I replied firmly.

Sakura breathed deeply a few times before she started speaking. I was thankful for that, because I needed some time to get adjusted to the image she represented now. Her eyes were half-open an unfocused. Her mouth was partially open too, as if she wasn't getting enough air. Her left hand lay limp in mine, while her right hand was rested upon her heart, rising up and down along with her chest as she breathed shallowly.

Suddenly, she seemed very distant again. As if she had completely forgotten I had spoken to her barely seconds before. I can't really say why these thought hit me like it, but I knew I was right. I prayed to every God I knew that this would work out, that she would remember I was right there in case she needed anything.

But as she began speaking, I felt myself falling under an icy spell. Unable to speak, to move, to think, I was frozen in place. Unwillingly, I settled myself to contemplate in silence the horrors she'd be through.

Alone.

***

Sakura's POV

I'm not sure how it happened. I had only walked a few blocks from the apartment Syaoran and I shared, and was miserably wondering what I would do the rest of my life, when something suddenly changed in the scene around me. The night became darker. The air became colder. Irrational fear squeezed my heart painfully.

And then he appeared. I felt my breath get knocked out of me.

The impression he produced at first sight was a mixed rush of repulsion and pity. His complexion was so white he seemed to be glowing in a creepy, phantomlike way in the dark. He was so thin, his skin seemed to be the only thing holding his bones together. His hands were bony and his fingers long and thin, resembling spiders. And his face…it was terrible. It was so consumed I could make out the shape of his skull underneath his skin. His eyes were huge and completely black. All together, he gave the appearance of a weak, disjointed creature. But that was only at first sight.

In fact, when I took a better look at him I discovered some things I had missed the first time. For example, that his eyes were icy, pitch black windows revealing only a glimpse of the evilness in him. Or that his mouth was twisted in a horrible, almost maniac smile. But once I got the chance to see that, it was too late.

He approached me slowly. I meant to move. I really tried to get out of there as fast as my legs could carry me. But I found myself stuck to the floor. I agonized silently as he took every step towards me. And then, when he was so near I could feel his icy breath on my face, he spoke.

"Card Mistress…we'll see how long that heart of yours keeps shinning." I recognized the voice immediately. For I had heard it many times before…in my dreams. Just then it hit me. It was a trap. It was a trap from the very beginning. I had fallen into it like I always do, because of my own weakness of mind. I began shaking my head frantically.

"Oh, yes, sweet Sakura…this is no dream…"

And with that final statement everything went black for the first of what would be many times. So I sank into the darkness, hoping my foolishness would only affect me, praying to whoever would listen, that it would only be me who paid for it.

I guess no one was really listening.

***

I woke up tiredly, and with a raging headache. It took me a while to figure out where I might be, and what I was doing there. Then I remembered him with a shudder. I remembered his words…what kind of tortures laid ahead of me? And I was alone this time…so alone… Just the thought of it terrorized me. But I didn't have more time to think about it. Because, suddenly, the lights turned on and I saw him again.

I felt the already familiar sense of irrational fear creep upon me. But this time, I noticed, I was able to speak.

"Who are you?" I asked in the bravest tone I could manage.

"That's not important," he replied calmly. "It's not like you'd be able to tell anyone, anyway…"

"W-what do you mean?" There was no trying to sound brave now. Was he saying what I thought he was saying?

He let out a small laugh. It was unnerving. "Oh, no, Sakura! I'm not going to kill you, at least not in the way you fear," he added. "Though you won't be afraid of that very long…"

At first I didn't know why those words didn't relieve me the tiniest bit. But I guess I was just foreseeing what I would learn later. What I would learn the hard way.

When he came near me, I felt the blood in my veins freeze. He held out one of his horrible, spider-like hands, and touched my temple. I immediately felt pain unlike anything I had experienced before.

It was like falling into the depths of a frozen lake in midwinter. It was like a thousand needles made of ice, slowly, steadily piercing every inch of my body, all the way through. In and out, it burnt with cold.

And I was trapped.

Trapped inside my own mind, while a succession of millions of horrible images moved in a frenetic, infernal dance, as sinister, rhythmic, deafening music pounded into my ears.  And as it all happened, I felt something being taken away from me.

I think I screamed. It seemed the only thing I could do.

I don't know how long it lasted. It seemed like an eternity. All I know is after a while, my senses would finally abandon me, and I would numbly, thankfully fall into the cold, silent, imperturbable darkness again.

I guess it was then when I realized the true meaning of his words.

There are things much worse than death.

***

It happened many times. The exact same sequence of actions. His arrival, the torture, and finally the numb darkness again. Yes, that never changed in all the occasions it took place. But something else changed. Something he couldn't control.

Me.

The first times I completely lost it. I would cry, I would scream…I would close my eyes and prayed that God would be merciful and take my life away. The pain was so intense, so consuming…I wanted to die. That was all I cared about.

But soon, my body and mind weakened, and I finally realized it was no use putting up resistance. No one would answer my pleas for help. The pain wouldn't go away. In fact, I discovered that when I surrendered completely, when I gave myself in to the torment, the pain wasn't that bad.

So I became passive, almost indifferent to it all. I was in a state in which I had separated my body from my soul almost completely. My spirit was sleeping somewhere very far away, from where I merely watched as my body was harmed. But my soul was still linked to my physical form somehow. I could not die. Still, from where I was I learned many things. I felt things no one shall ever feel. I saw things no one shall ever watch. And I finally got to see what he was doing.

He wanted my cards. If I concentrate hard enough I can still hear my own screams for them echoing endlessly…

Now, how he was getting them was a mystery. For taking my cards from me is no easy task. Keeping them out of my reach isn't enough. The cards only respond to their mistress.

But still, he was doing something to my inner self. I could tell it was working, because the cards were slowly beginning to belong to him. I lacked the strength to own them, and I found out – with a realization that didn't startle me as much as it should have – that I didn't care anymore.

What he didn't know, was that he was not taking only the cards. He was also taking my feelings, my heart, my soul…Everything that made me human. Everything that made me the person I am.

At some point, he was evidently done with me. True to his word, he didn't kill me physically. But he killed what was inside of me. And a body cannot live without a soul.

I ceased to exist for the longest of times after he left me alone. There was no pain to remind me I was still alive. But I was still breathing. My heart was still beating. I was suspended somewhere between life and death, trapped, unable to go either way.

Only something happened. Something neither of us had counted on. For some reason, a tiny piece of my heart had survived his torments. And slowly, very slowly it was getting stronger. I began having flashes of distant, peaceful memories. At first, they were incoherent and dim, and caused me great pain. But as time passed, they became more and more insistent and clear. I learned to deal with the pain they caused, for I was getting stronger as well.

One fateful night, all that mind-training resulted in me finally recalling my life before the dammed, half-life I was living then. And those memories warmed up my cold soul. They trespassed the walls I had built around me to avoid the pain. They reminded me that, somewhere, the sun was still shinning. And they brought back my most precious feeling: my love for Syaoran.

For the first time I was free. I felt my soul being released from the limitations of the flesh. I was nothing, yet I was everything. I was pure energy. I soared higher and higher into the sky. There was a warm, loving light ahead of me. I knew it lead to a place where there was no night and no one suffered. Where my deepest wounds would finally heal and I would never get hurt again. I think I identified my mother's voice calling for me, though I have never heard it before.

But I never made it to the light. Something stopped me. I guess he realized I was flying out of his cold grip and brought me back somehow. I felt all faith abandon me once more. I was disheartened. I didn't want to return. I had had my share of life, the good and the bad. And the very bad, too. I was just looking for release now. But it wasn't up to me, I guess.

Once again, then, I was trapped inside my own skin. But my surroundings were different. I found myself at the most beautiful beach. Alone, always alone, though. But I learned to like, to enjoy my solitude. Once more, I began to forget about my feelings. But it was much worse this time. When something is forcefully taken from away you, you'll probably fight for it. But if it's you that slowly, gradually lets it go...the problem goes so much deeper then… I was becoming empty again. Indifferent. And I got used to my new lifestyle. Too used to it, in fact.

When Syaoran, Eriol and Tomoyo found me…I don't know…I wasn't the normal Sakura, but I was more Sakura than ever. It was like having two different selves, the good and the bad. All the horrible things I said and did were not done by my usual self perhaps, but from another one, the evil one. But both of them are equally me. So again I was faced with an internal battle. The voices in my head were driving me crazy. Paraphrasing Shakespeare, "To be or not to be". In other words, which side should I allow to take over? Now, that was the question. My brain struggled to remember and fought against it as well. My heart hesitated, unable to choose sides.

Then of course, something else happened. I remembered lots of things at once. It sent me literally over the edge. My body and mind were exhausted after performing such an unpleasant task. But I was my normal self again. The battles inside me had ceased. The voices were gone, and I could think more clearly.

I don't know what made me remember. Eriol told me it was something (probably the teddy bear, which held a very special meaning to me) that triggered my mind. But I'm not convinced. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's more to it than what he said. I don't he's keeping things from me, though. I just think he's missing something as well.

It's useless now to ponder on what it was that made me remember. The point is that I did. I woke up with the feeling I had been drowning slowly, endlessly, and that I was finally able to breathe again. My head ached and it threatened to get worse if I got up, but I had the irrepressible feeling that I needed to fix something I had done wrong. My thoughts immediately went to Syaoran. I managed to find out what had happened and hurried to the hospital where he was. What I found there sent my already horrible conclusions to the trash basket.

It was worse than I could have ever imagined. For he was in a state pretty much like the one I had been in. He was lost in the depths of the void inside him. Just like me, too, he was fighting to free his soul for torment. But unlike me –and this is what terrified me the most – he was succeeding. I panicked. What could I do know? I had done this to him, but I didn't know how to reverse it. So I did what I always do. I tried to talk him out of it.

And this idea proved to be brilliant beyond my wildest dreams.

I swear I did next to nothing. I only told him my true feelings. I just wanted him to wake up so that I could tell him how sorry I was. I told him I loved him wholeheartedly, and I was prepared to do any sacrifices required for his happiness. And it worked. Miraculously, he woke up.

But that wasn't the biggest of shocks. In fact, the greatest surprise was to know that he didn't want me to leave. After all the terrible things I had done, he still wanted me. How? I couldn't understand. But we talked it over. I realized he had been carrying a burden of guilt that was completely unnecessary – though not unexpected. I then realized, too, that there were some serious issues to be solved in our relationship. Many things have remained unspoken, untouched. We have been fooling ourselves with the illusion of perfection, when there really is no perfection in us. I knew that we needed to go deeper.

But, unfortunately, there was no time for that. He came again, and is now threatening to break the pillars of our now fragile relationship.

Because we are in Earlington once more. True, it's different this time, but I still don't know if we're strong enough. Now that I have all my memories back, it gives me a broader view. And it's what that view shows that scares me to no end. Because there are only two ways out of this: either we win, or we loose completely. It's our love that holds the key to saves us, but it can destroy us too.

Now, more than ever, we need to get behind the illusion we've created. We need to speak the words we've never dared to. We have to make our love true. Only that will set us free.

For the truest truth is the one that keeps us together…

…Or the one that keeps us painfully…

…Desperately apart…