Knox grinned. "Let's have some fun."
Watching Vivian disappear into the gloom, he didn't quite trust that fun. The hill flank below Knox's penthouse fell rather steeply down towards the dim lights of some suburban area of the city. And Vivian seemed to be going just down there, climbing over stones and tree roots. Not very gentleman-like of Knox to let her do it, he thought. And what for?
He would have to go down there, too. Maybe through some course with booby-traps. Maybe through a real traps parcours. Maybe he had to fight someone down there. Maybe… Oh, stop it, he told himself. Your imagination is running wild again.
Knox was sauntering up and down beside him, again mustering him critically. He tried to stand bolt upright and make a good impression.
Was it really a good idea to wear that suit for this… trial? Knox had insisted that he did, but he had no idea why.
However. He thrust his hands into his pockets, and continued staring into the gloom. Somewhere the faint cry of a night bird could be heard, then everything was silent again, the peace of the night interrupted only by the rustling of leaves in the wind. They were so far from the city that the traffic wasn't audible up here.
What would they say at the orphanage when he didn't turn up? Would they worry? Or would Benji tell them something? And if so, what would he tell them?
He thought of his roommates, Jake, Graham, Mart, Dan and Kenny. Would they miss him? They had shared a room for years now. Kenny would move out soon now, and so would Graham and Dan, probably. A pity. But then again, they all were young men now. They didn't have to live at the orphanage anymore. He himself didn't have to just as well.
But where else should he go?
The time would come when Jake and Mart would leave the orphanage, and then he alone was left of them.
This idea didn't suit him at all. Among these boys were the closest to friends he had ever had - at least, since that day he strived not to remember. Together they had formed a little gang, hanging out together. Graham and Dan had been fine comrades. And Jake had been a real friend. Who would there be left for him when they were gone?
Well, Kid would still be there, of course. But… Let's put it like that: Kid didn't really count.
So there he was. The others would go, and once again he would be left out.
At this thought the painful flickering in his stomach returned, that feeling he had learned to dread over all those years. Fear, fear to be alone with himself. Fear to be on his own. Fear to have to listen to the voices inside his mind, the cruel voices of memory.
There were two different kinds of darkness. One was a dangerous one, a place where all the things he was afraid of were hiding. But there was another, a warm, comforting one, hiding him from others' eyes. If he had to go down there, nobody would see him go. He would disappear out of Knox's eyeshot, and then he would be alone. But not in the way he feared to be. Down there no danger was waiting for him. He would just be alone, alone to be himself, and when he wished to reappear, he would be able to. Somehow he wished to descend towards the lights.
And somehow his own way of thinking could astound him.
A thin, pale moon was rising over the dark line of the lofty hills. Slowly the fear inside him retreated, withered to a grey mist and vanished.
He was ready for anything.
Knox's cell phone rang, piercing the peace of the night. Very lazily Knox answered it. "Yeah? Right, I'm sending him." Sliding it back into his pocket, he said: "Go. Straight down there. As fast as you can."
Right. He understood. Giving Knox a curt nod, he sprang over the sidewalk lightly and down towards the night awaiting him. Down, straight down.
It wasn't easy. The steeply falling ground was full off bushes and roots and stones. Soon he almost slipped on a patch of loose soil, but caught himself just in time and sprinted on. There was a kind of hedge ahead, like a crouching animal… He leaped, cleared it easily. Cool air rushed past his ears. And another one…
This time the jump was badly calculated. His right foot got caught in some branches; he tugged hard while still in the air, but couldn't help hitting the ground. At once the air was knocked out of his lungs. The smell of grass and earth was unnaturally strong suddenly. Dazed, he rolled over, tried to get hold of another bush to pull himself up, but merely rubbed some skin off his hand. He felt he was rolling down the side of the hill, towards an unknown destination. Something bored into his side; something lashed at his face. Whimpering, he shielded his face with the hurt hand while trying to get a hold and stop his progress with the other one. Suddenly he hit a low tree and remained lying where he was, breathing hard, feeling every inch of his body with an intensity he had never felt before.
No, wait. He had. A memory was slipping into his mind, expanding until it was stuck there, filling his consciousness. Before his inner eye, the worst moment of his life started to be replayed in slow motion, bit by bit…
No! Somehow he managed to pull himself up and ran for it, as if his memories were chasing him down the hillside. His heart was pounding all through his body. Again he fell, but this time he could pick himself up before he started rolling. The lights were coming closer and closer, and he dashed towards them as if that could save his life.
"Hey there!" It was Vivian. Panting, he skidded to a halt in front of her, exhausted and with aching limbs. "Quite a speed", she remarked, not wholly able to hide her amazement. "Dear me, you're bleeding." From the depths of her pocket she pulled a handkerchief and dabbed at his cheek a bit. "Very well, now back up you go!"
Back up? He fought for air. No, he would never make it back up at that speed.
But he would try, and if it was impossible. He would try. They should see how tough he was.
With this thought he sped off, even though his legs almost refused to carry him. He ignored the pain in his limbs, the burning in his lungs. As fast as he could he climbed up the slope, skidding every now and again, but nonetheless going forward, ever forward, and upwards.
And then the faint fear was back, the fear of the unknown, of the eyes glaring at him from the darkness. Nonsense, he told himself while racing up the slope, picking his way between roots and stones. Yet he distinctly knew that he wouldn't be able to stop right now if he wanted to.
When he reached the street again, he was close to collapsing. His pulse was hammering furiously; he could feel it in his neck. It felt like his veins would burst any minute. His knees were all wobbly; he was shivering like a tired racing horse. But Knox was coming up to meet him; he wouldn't show any signs of weakness before this man.
And Knox definitely seemed impressed. "Astounding", he said, shaking his head in something like unbelieving awe. "Really astounding. You know, we sometimes send one of our… well, employees down that slope for a little agility test. But no-one among their number was nearly that fast."
Despite his exhaustion and the many stings of pain, a smile stole onto his features. So he had been good after all.
"Never mind the suit", Knox continued, and he looked down himself and was embarrassed at the state of the clothes that were not even his. But Knox didn't seem to care. "At least the whole thing was done with style", he said, grinning.
He grinned back, but at the same time something like a cold finger touched his spine, and with some shuddering he remembered what had made him run like that.
Someday he had to get rid of those absurd feelings. He couldn't go on like that.
And yet he knew that he wouldn't be able to unless he could finally speak to somebody. And this he couldn't. So there was nobody who would ever listen to his fears.
He was trapped, trapped with his fears.
Somehow the blood trickling down his cheek was strangely comforting.
