Chapter 4: Another Crazy Plan
A/N: I am SOOOOOOO sorry I've taken so long to update, but I have an acute case of the dreaded Writer's Block! (dun dun dun!!!! *woman screams*) Anywho, I hope you like this chapter, and I hope you can forgive me for being so slow!
Thank you to my reviewers!!!!!!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Carrie had started running around wildly, beating her fists on the monkey in an attempt to make it get off her head. Since her eyesight was blocked by the monkey's butt, she didn't see the wall she was heading for. She ran into it, head (or rather monkey) first. The dazed Jack-Monkey slid off her head and onto the ground. Now Carrie was able to turn her full wrath on Darla.
"What happened here?" she asked, her voice low and menacing. Predictably, Darla started to sniffle. Carrie shouted, "Oh no you don't! Stop hiding behind your tears! Face me like a man! WHAT HAPPENED?!"
Darla sighed in defeat. "Okay, fine, I get your point. Last night I stole your Pirates of the Caribbean DVD and came downstairs to watch it. Halfway through, there was this soft 'POOF' sound, and suddenly I had a monkey in my lap, and James we lying on the floor. I hid them in my room for the day, and when I got home from school I let them out so we could play. The monkey went crazy, and James was just being a crybaby about everything."
"I was not!" James (Norrington) cried, indignant. "You weren't being nice! You hurted my feelings!"
"You broke my favorite Barbie!" Darla shouted.
"It was ugly, anyway! They should make a Barbie that looks like Miss Swann." Norrington sighed dreamily, batting his eyes at Elizabeth.
"It's Mrs. Turner now, Commodore, and stop looking at me like that! It really creeps me out," Elizabeth ordered, moving closer to Will.
Norrington pouted and almost started to cry, but just then Jack-Monkey screeched and started running all over the house. We were all so surprised that we were frozen momentarily. Carrie was the first to be spurred into action.
"What are you all waiting for?! Catch that damned monkey!" she yelled.
We scrambled into action, almost tripping over each other to try to get to the monkey, who was rooting through the mess in the kitchen. When Jack-Monkey saw us, he screeched and ran off.
"Head him off at the stairs!" Commodore Norrington yelled.
"Get him, Will!" I yelled as the monkey ran between Will's legs. He made a grab for it, but ended up grabbing Elizabeth's leg and pulling her to the floor.
"Get up, this isn't the time to consummate the marriage!" Carrie yelled. Elizabeth and Will, quite flustered, got to their feet and ran after the monkey.
"It's heading for the master bedroom! Shut the door!" I shouted.
"Has anyone seen me rum? I swear it was here a second ago," Jack mumbled, scratching his head in confusion.
"Jack! Get the monkey!" I yelled as the monkey scampered down the hallway and leapt off the banister that overlooked the family room.
"Huh?" Jack said, looking at me confusedly. The monkey landed on his head, then leapt onto the dining room table. (The dining room was attached to the family room.) "Ahh! It's the monkey! The evil monkey!"
"Of course it's the evil monkey, where the devil have you been?" Norrington asked.
"Ahhh! It's the Commodore! The evil Commodore!" Jack yelled.
"Of course it's the evil Commodore, where the hell have you been?" Will asked.
"Ahhhhh! It's the blacksmith! The evil blacksmith!" Jack yelled.
I smacked Jack upside the head, who then turned around very fast while trying to unsheath his sword. He ended up getting too dizzy and falling over.
"I swear, ya put a drop of rum in him and he goes mad," I muttered.
"You mean he's not mad when he doesn't have rum?" Carrie asked skeptically.
"Whatever. The monkey!" I yelled.
After almost an hour of frantic running around, yelling, falling over, more yelling, three grown men crying, one near-death experience, and two fistfights, we caught the monkey. Carrie found an old kennel from when they used to have a dog and we locked the monkey up. He screeched and yelled and banged around, but he couldn't get out.
"Aye, I told ye I could catch that monkey," Jack said cockily. "Nothin' to it. He ain't so bad. Jus' a stupid little monkey."
Jack put his fingers in the cage and wiggled them as if taunting Jack-Monkey. Jack-Monkey screeched especially loud and lunged at Jack, who screamed and backed away.
"What? You didn't catch the monkey, I did! For that, I shall give you a short drop and a sudden stop!" Norrington declared.
"Norrington, you're daft! I caught the monkey!" Carrie yelled.
"What are you talking about? It was all me!" Will shouted. Everyone started yelling at once and a brawl almost broke out, but Darla shouted,
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!"
And everyone shut up.
"Stop fighting! You sound like children! Why can't we all just get along?" Darla scolded us. We all hung our heads in shame, feeling like immature brats.
"Norrington started it," Jack muttered.
"Did not! It was you!" Norrington argued.
"Oh, you are such a tattle-tale," Elizabeth said. It was unclear whether she was talking to Jack or Norrington, so both men took offense.
"Excuse me, love, but if we really want to get technical about this, this is all your fault!" Jack pointed out.
"How could you leave me for a blacksmith? He doesn't even have a wig!" Norrington cried.
"At least I don't look like a snow cone!" Will retorted.
"How is this my fault?" Elizabeth demanded.
So Will and Norrington started arguing about whose hair was better, while Jack tried to explain to an irate Elizabeth how if she had never been kidnapped in the first place, Jack and Will would not be friends, and therefore would not have ended up in the 21st century together.
Carrie, Darla, and I held a quick conference and decided that, as long as they weren't brandishing sharp objects at each other, it wouldn't hurt to sit back and watch for a little while.
When Norrington had Will in a headlock, Darla started taking bets. I put my money on Will, and Carrie bet on Norrington, who did seem to have the upper hand in wrestling, for some odd reason.
When Elizabeth stole Jack's hat and ran away with it, I bet that Jack would get it back and then attempt to murder Elizabeth. Carrie bet that Elizabeth would do something horrible to the hat and Jack's glare of death would be enough to kill her.
Elizabeth ran off, Jack hot on her heels. When they passed through again, Jack was holding a meat cleaver and looked slightly insane. With a sigh, Carrie and I got up to intervene.
"Jack! Look out! Barbossa's gonna get the Pearl!" I yelled.
"That dirty good-for-nothing yellow-bellied dog! I'll kill 'im with me bare hands I will, how dare he go anywhere near my ship!" Jack roared, dropping the meat cleaver and running outside to the Pearl. Elizabeth stopped running and thanked me gratefully.
"He was going to kill me. Uncivilized pirates," she spat.
"Excuse me, Miss Elizabeth, but who was the one who started it? I do believe it was you! Now give me that hat. I want you to go sit on the couch and think about what you've done for ten minutes," I ordered.
Elizabeth pouted but did hand over the hat. We both went back into the family room, where Carrie and Darla were trying to break up Will and Norrington. By this time, both men were considerably sweaty from all the effort it took to attempt a murder. Will's shirt was ripped and Norrington's wig was askew.
"Hey Norry, look, it's Elizabeth in a bikini!" I called. Norrington leapt to his feet and looked wildly around.
"What? Where?"
Carrie, Darla, and I took this opportunity to apprehend both men. Carrie and I held back the strong blacksmith, while Darla held the wimpy Commodore, who looked like he had fought valiantly but lost miserably. Grinning smugly, I accepted the five bucks from Carrie she owed me for losing that bet.
After making Norrington and Will sit at opposite ends of the couch, with Elizabeth sitting on the floor across the room from both men, Darla was sent to find Jack and bring him back inside. Jack-Monkey was still safely locked up in his cage and finally seemed to have spent up all his demonic energy. He was sleeping peacefully in one corner, and actually looked a little bit cute.
"So what are we supposed to do with a monkey?" Carrie asked when Jack and Darla joined us once more.
"Let's not forget Jack-Monkey. We have to figure out what to do with him as well," I added.
"You're right," Norrington nodded before he realized what we had just said. "Hey! I am not a monkey! I refuse to be belittled by little American girls!"
"Shut up Norrington, or the wig gets it," Darla threatened. Norrington curled up into the fetal position, keeping his hands on his wig and muttering something incoherently.
"Well, our 'foreign exchange program' is working out really well. . ." Carrie began.
"Carrie, people were curious enough when Jack Sparrow waltzed into class. What are they going to think if Commodore Norrington shows up?" I asked skeptically.
"He's not as freaky looking as Jack. With the right accessories, we could make him look as normal as Will and Elizabeth," Carrie argued.
"But what about Jack-Monkey?" I asked.
"He could be Norrington's guide monkey. You know, like if he was blind," Darla suggested.
Carrie, Darla, and I exchanged looks, giving Norrington an appraising look.
"All right. Let's do it," Carrie said.
"We're crazy," I sighed.
"I will not be lead about by a crazy monkey!" Norrington protested.
"For the last time, lasses. . . WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID ME RUM GO?" Jack yelled.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
A/N: R/R!!!! Thanks, and have a lovely day. : - )
-Stacy
