A/N: Hello dear readers, and thanks for the reviews. Yes, I will be continuing Thinner, but I have a very hard time juggling two stories, so I'm hoping to knock this one out of the way first. Thanks for your patience. Also: this is my first song-fic EVER, so if you experts want to give me advice, feel free. Thanks.
Spend all your
time waiting
for that second chance…
Joe shut the door behind him, tears stinging his eyes. He'd seen her; Vanessa. His Vanessa. Or she had been once.
…for a break that would make it okay
What had he been thinking, wondering if she'd wait for him?
Why do I always screw up the most important relationships in my life?
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
Screw up, he thought, thinking of Frank and Iola. He shivered; haunted. Literally and figuratively.
Oh shutup Hardy, you should consider yourself lucky to at least have your brother's ghost around…
Joe's eyes filled with tears.
…and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction…
"Frank?" he half-sobbed to his filthy, dark, and above all empty dorm room, "if ever I needed you it's now. Frank? I…I'm not okay. I want…" he slowly raised the arm of his shirtsleeve, tracing the name, "…to hurt myself."
…oh beautiful release…
Joe never heard or saw his brother appear, but light, nearly invisible arms suddenly surrounded him, and he welcomed the embrace by gripping the almost-hands with all his strength.
…memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight…
"Help me," he sobbed, the tears breaking through despite his desperate attempts to shove them back down. "I can't do this, Frank, I want to go with you, let me go with you…"
…in the arms of an angel
fly away from here…
Frank still didn't speak, but gently guided his trembling brother to his unmade bed and sat beside him.
…from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear…
"She was with someone else," Joe sobbed, rocking back and forth. "How stupid was I to leave her? She tried to…she wanted to be there for me…but I pushed her away…I pushed everyone away…"
He closed his eyes, leaning his head back, away from the dirt and dust collected at his feet.
"Oh God, Frank…I'm so alone…"
…you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie…
Frank moved so he was behind his brother and pulled him into his arms, resting Joe's head on his shoulder, his back on Frank's chest, silently offering support, wordlessly urging him on.
…you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there…
"What have I done? To Mom, to Dad, to everybody? Where did they go? Where did I go? Where have I been all this time?" Joe sobbed, pleading, looking for answers more from himself than from his brother.
…so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back…
"No matter what happens, whether it be with you or Iola or Vanessa or Mom or Dad, all I ever do is screw the people I care about over, you know that?" the younger Hardy whimpered. "And they all just walk away," his voice caught, and more tears spilled, cascading down his face, dripping off his cheeks to the dirty sheets beneath him, right through his dead brother's arms.
"They all just walk away…"
…and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack…
"I convinced myself I didn't need them. That I was better off alone. But I'm not, Frank. I'm really not. If anything it makes it all worse."
…it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh…
"I mean, everything I've done—the drinking, the smoking, the racing, it all works for a minute, but then it's gone and I'm still alone and still miserable and wondering why I keep losing everyone…"
…this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees…
"…you were the only one who stayed. No matter what. No matter how stupid I was or how hard I pushed at you, you never, ever left me. Even when we fought, I knew you'd be there. And then…you weren't anymore…"
Joe could no longer speak. The tears had risen and swallowed his throat.
…in the arms of an angel
fly away from here…
Frank rocked his brother slowly, his grip never faltering, feeling the agony that tore through the once athletic body, now taken by the sickness of the boy's mind. He felt how fragile his brother was; physically and emotionally; one step too far, and he'd easily break, how close he was to the same border he'd crossed the night he tried to take his life.
…from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear…
"I'm here," Frank whispered into his brother's ear, knowing these were the only two words that would at least ease the hurt if not erase it. "I'm here. I never left. I'll never leave you."
…you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie…
"You have so much more love than you realize," the elder Hardy went on. "Mom, Dad, Aunt Gertrude…they're not gone, Joe. They're just waiting. They're waiting for you to realize that they love you, waiting for you to ask for help. Because they can't help you until you want it. They tried; think of Mom and Dad at the hospital, and Aunt Gertrude before you left. Think of all the messages Phil and Callie and Vanessa—yes, Vanessa—left you, all the times you ignored them. You haven't lost them, Joe. It's you who was lost."
…you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there…
"And you don't need to hurt yourself," he continued, his voice growing softer, sadder. "Trust me. You always trusted me. It doesn't solve anything. It doesn't help you, or anyone. I know how you feel. I do. I know how the hurt overwhelms you and you have to direct it at something, only there's no bad guys to fight, no one to chase or catch or spy on. There's only you, and so you feel the need to punish yourself. But you know what that does? It hurts me Joe. It hurts everyone around you. And I know you, little brother. You'd never want to hurt anyone."
…you're in the arms of the angel…
"Frank," Joe sobbed, turning on his side to bury deeper into his brother's embrace. "I'm scared. I'm so scared."
Frank's hand brushed over his brother's sweat-soaked forehead, cooling, soothing.
Saving.
…may you find…
"Lie down," the older Hardy murmured. Joe slowly, hesitantly obeyed, reluctant to break the embrace, not wanting Frank to slip away as he so often did. But the older Hardy had no intention of leaving his brother that night.
"Remember when you were little? Remember the nightmares you had?" Frank asked softly.
Joe nodded weakly, fighting the pain that came with the memory.
"Remember what I said?"
…some comfort…
"The monsters have to get through me first," he murmured, gently stroking Joe's forehead, just as he'd done when they were children, when a small Joe had stared with wide, innocent eyes at a world that just seemed too large and scary.
Frank lay his almost-body down beside his brother's easing an arm over Joe's trembling shoulders, feeling the unfamiliar bones, warming the starved and tormented body as if willing the mind to accept the support offered.
"And I'm not leaving you," he whispered as Joe slipped away from the cold, harsh silence of the world.
…here.
