The Five Stages: Anger

Anger


Anger - a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.

Luke walked out of the hobby shop and stopped. Kevin was already in the car. He didn't want to go over there. He didn't want to face his big brother. He didn't know what to say to him.

He walked up to the station wagon and opened the door. Kevin's wheelchair sat in the passenger seat in pieces. He stood for a moment trying to decide if he should move it, then opened the back seat and climbed into the car.

Kevin didn't say anything. After a moment he started the car and headed toward home.

The instant they hit the driveway, Luke jumped out of the car and ran into the house.

He opened the front door and immediately faced his mom.

"Where's Kevin?"

She was a broken record. Luke didn't answer, instead heading for the stairs. He took them two at a time, hurried down the hallway, heading into his bedroom. He slammed the door and headed for his bed.

At least they had their own rooms in this house. No bunk beds here. He had felt so grown up when his dad had brought home the bunk beds and set them up. Not only did he have a big boy bed, but he got to share a room with his big brother Kevin.

He had always idolized Kevin. He was the big brother that everyone would want...he was cool, an athlete...kids liked him, looked up to him. Luke seriously believed that his life was easier because he was Kevin Girardi's brother.

After the accident, his dad took down the bunk beds. Kevin couldn't climb up into his bed any longer. He couldn't even come upstairs to their room. Luke helped his dad move the bed downstairs to the den.

He would never share a room with Kevin again.


Luke pulled the magnet out of the bag, the bottles of paint untouched. He wasn't sure who he was more angry with: Kevin or the man in the store.

When Kevin first came home from the hospital, Luke was afraid of him. They all were. Kevin had always been the big brother, the strong one. He was the athlete, "the popular one." Luke was a geek, but his brother had always looked out for him.

After the accident, Kevin was different and it was unsettling to Luke. He didn't know how to react, what to say to the stiff, angry boy who sat in the wheelchair.

And why was it always about him? About Kevin? Before the accident, his parents had asked Luke about what was going on his life, about his latest project. They had looked at his report card and talked to him about it, even though it didn't require a signature because he was not performing up to his potential.

Now, he could fail trig and no one would care. Not that he would, but he could if he wanted to.

Luke sighed and looked at the paint bottles again. He stood up and grabbed the bag in his hand. He didn't want to look at them anymore. He didn't want to remember the look on Kevin's face as he took the bottles from the shelf. He didn't want to remember the man's voice in the store as he told Luke to feel sorry for his brother.

He got up and headed toward Kevin's room, but stopped before he went in. When was it going to be like it used to be? When was his big brother going to be back, or had that been lost in the accident too?

Luke paused, then walked up to Kevin's door. Kevin was busy wrapping up his models and putting them in a box.

"I brought you the stuff you needed," Luke said, walking tentatively into the room.

Kevin looked up at him. "The stuff you bought for me, you mean? I don't need it. I'm getting rid of all my toys."

His toys. It was always about Kevin. They used to work on models together but now Kevin never asked him to help.

"Scale models aren't toys," Luke answered as he fingered one of the planes in a box near Kevin's door.

"It's time for me to grow up," Kevin replied.

Luke turned to stare at Kevin. That was a pretty rich comment given Kevin's actions that morning. "I wasn't aware that that was something you could just decide."

Kevin stopped with the models and fixed his eyes on Luke. "I was the perfect big brother. Come on, admit it. I'm stronger, faster, better-looking."

Luke protested, but Kevin continued.

"It's a reality, kid. Face it. People were only nice to you because you were Kevin Girardi's little brother. Probably kept you from being beat up about a hundred times."

Luke stared at Kevin, desperate for a witty comeback. "I do seem to attract threats of violence." He'd always known that Kevin felt this way, but he had never heard his brother say it and certainly not in this way.

"Last night, the natural order was reversed. You were the big brother. You were smarter and stronger and tougher."

Luke smarted back, "And better-looking?"

"I'm the big brother in this family, in or out of the wheelchair. So, get offa my cloud."

Cloud? What did Kevin mean by a cloud?

"Yesterday...that will not happen again."

Luke tried to figure out if this was Kevin's apology, if he was admitting he was wrong before. "Are you apologizing to me?"

Kevin sighed.

"No, no, of course not. Why would you? It's an explanation, and that's enough," Luke replied, his words tumbling one over another.

"I'll pay you for the paint if you can't get your money back," Kevin responded.

Would this not just end, Luke thought. "No, it's not..."

Kevin shot him a look of death.

"Yes, I can use the money. And you're fully capable."

Kevin looked hard at Luke again. "You're going to be proud of me again."

How did he respond to that? Luke wasn't sure, so he turned and left. As he crossed back to his room, Joan's door opened up.

Luke stopped. Joan's face was red and chapped. She'd been crying.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he stepped closer to her.

Joan shook her head. "I'm just..." She pointed to the bathroom.

Luke stepped aside. He wanted to do something, say something. She was older than him, but it was clear Joan needed an older brother and since Kevin seemed to have abdicated that role, he should probably step into it. He waited for a moment, then walked into Joan's room.

After a few minutes, she returned, closing the door before she noticed Luke sitting on her bed.

"I'd rather be alone," she said as she stood at the door waiting for Luke to leave.

"But Kevin would come in here, make sure you're not beating yourself up over this...failure of imagination."

Joan shot him a look.

"Mom and Dad do not discuss things quietly."

Joan sighed. "So, why isn't Kevin in here and anyway, you're my little brother"

"I think Kevin's on a break from responsibility," Luke answered. "So, I am temporarily stepping in."

Joan smiled, then laughed. "Nice try, Luke." She walked over and sat down on the bed next to him. "What do you mean Kevin's on a break?"

"A break, a retreat, denial of the fact that he's the leader of the pack. I don't know. I just know that we might want to look elsewhere for an example to follow."

"Did something happen?" Joan asked, concern creeping into her voice.

Luke sighed, then smashed his hand down on the bed. He turned to face his sister. "Doesn't it ever bother you? I mean, one day everything was fine and then the next day nothing was ever the same again. Don't you...don't you wish he'd never gotten in that car, that he was just away at college like he was supposed to be? I mean, I could handle him being gone, not being around, but it's not the same with him being here like this"

Luke was nearly shouting by the time he finished.

"Whoa, Luke. You need, like, a chill pill," Joan replied.

"Yeah, I mean, I think it's some sort of reaction to the variable emotional status of this household, but seriously, don't you...I mean...what's going on with him?"

"You know what happened to him, Luke. He got in an accident. His whole life changed. You need to cut him some slack."

"Sometimes I wonder if he wanted this to happen," Luke answered.

Joan stared at Luke. "That's a joke, right?"

Luke shrugged his shoulders.

"Like he just got in a car and said, 'Let's crash this puppy because I want to spend my life in a wheelchair'? Are you damaged?"

Luke stood up. "Never mind. You wouldn't understand."

"What is wrong with you, Luke? You're...what happened to "the man of science?"

"Maybe science can't answer every question," Luke replied, his voice clipped.

Joan looked at her brother again. "Have you talked to Mom about this?"

"About what?" Luke asked.

"Your break from reality, your damage?"

Luke stood up and headed toward the door. He stopped and turned back. "Maybe you just don't want to see what's going on around here, Joan. Maybe you just want to do your cheerleader try-outs and have your drama with Adam Rove, but you're not the center of the universe."

Joan opened her mouth, then closed it, not saying anything.

Luke walked out his sister's room and down to his own. He stalked inside and slammed the door shut. The framed Mathlete certificate on his wall shook a bit, then rested against the wall along the door once again. Luke walked over to his computer, sat down and opened a chat program. Friedman was on. Again. Luke closed the program without pinging anyone. He pushed his chair back from the desk with a sigh.

Joan didn't get it. His dad didn't get it. His mom seemed to show a glimmer of understanding, but it was all covered up with her all-consuming concern about Kevin's problems.

Things were supposed to be different now. For all these years so much of the focus had been on his brother, on his successes. Yeah, his parents were supportive of Luke's accomplishments too, but his dad had never kept a scrapbook of his science fair triumphs.

Kevin was going away to college. And Joan, well, Joan would always be there, but it wasn't like she took center stage...not like Kevin did before.

And sure as hell not like how Kevin did now. It was all about him and now...well, now it was embarrassing to even be around Kevin. He was

Luke looked up as someone tapped at his door.

"Go away."

"Luke"

Luke looked up at the sound of his mom's voice. "Go away," he said again, this time more quietly.

The door knob turned slowly and Helen pushed the door open slowly. "Hey."

Luke looked over at his mother, his mouth twisted slightly. He didn't want to talk to her. His fist twisted the blanket on his bed into a tight knot. He just wanted to be here, by himself

"What happened, sweetie?" his mom asked as she crossed the room to sit on the bed next to him.

"Ask Kevin," Luke replied.

"I'm asking you," she responded.

"Well, that's a first, " Luke responded.

Helen slipped her arm around him. Luke squirmed away, but his mom moved closer again.

"This has been pretty hard on you, hasn't it?"

Was it a question that even required an answer? Of course it had been hard, it was hard on all of them, but it wasn't like he was the one whose life was changed, the one who wouldn't play baseball, couldn't

"Luke?"

Luke turned to face his mom. "Will anything ever be the same again? Will we ever be normal again?"

Helen raised her hand up to brush away the tear that had escaped from his eye. "I'd like to say yes, that in two months from now none of us will even remember that any of this happened, but I don't know that. I don't think any of can. But what we can do is acknowledge that something happened to all of us, it wasn't just Kevin in that car. There was a part of you, Joan, your dad, of all of us. Now, what happened tonight?"

Luke sighed. He wasn't going to tell her. It was the unspoken rule of brotherhood. What had happened in that store, it was between him and Kevin.
"Don't worry about it, Mom," he answered. "It was one of those things. It'll be fine."

"Talk to your brother, Luke. And talk to me. I worry about you. I worry about all of you."

"Not just Kevin?" Luke asked.

Helen pulled Luke into a hug. "Of course I worry about all of you. I worry that we've ruined your life by moving you from everything that you knew, away from your grandparents, your friends. I worry that I worry too much about Kevin and I'm ignoring you. I worry that Joan is, well, you have to admit that she's been a little strange since we got here."

"Joan was strange before, Mom."

Helen sat back and faced Luke. "True, but I love and care about all of you. Sure, I have to focus a bit more on Kevin now, but it's his turn, and I worry that by spending so much time on Kevin that I'm missing what's happening to you. You've always been the easy one, Luke. You find your own joy in life, but lately I haven't seen that very much. You seem distant and you seem angry. And I know that you have lots of things to be angry about, but I'm concerned about you, Luke..."

"I didn't think you even noticed," Luke answered.

Helen stood up and put her hand on his shoulder. "Of course I noticed, Luke. I'm your mom...it's hard-wired into my motherboard."

Luke laughed. "Very funny, Mom."

"Hold on, Luke. I can't tell you when, but it's going to get better. I promise." She leaned in and kissed Luke on the forehead. "Talk to me. And, talk to your brother."

Luke nodded. "I will. I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Luke."

Luke watched as his mom walked out of his room. He sat on his bed for a moment, then got up and walked into the hallway. It was dark, the only light shining out from under his parents' door. He crossed to Kevin's door and knocked. There was no answer. He waited, then pushed open the door. Kevin was in bed. Luke stood for a moment, not even sure what he was doing in there, what he would say if Kevin did wake up. He was turning to leave when Kevin switched on the light next to his bed.

"You working on your Peeping Tom routine?" Kevin asked as he pulled himself up into a sitting position.

"I was just-I didn't know that you were"

"Luke."

"Yeah?" Luke didn't move any closer, rooted into his spot on the floor.

"I'm sorry about all of this. I never meant to..."

"I know that," Luke answered.

"Do you really? Because I know I let you down. I know that I did a stupid thing and sure it looks like I'm the one who's paying the price, but I'm not so stupid I can't see what I did to everyone here. Don't you think I feel bad about that every single day?"

Luke nodded, unable to answer.

"Cause I need you to know that. And I need to know that you're going to be okay again, that I haven't ruined it between us."
Luke moved closer to the bed.

"It would be easier for you to just come over here, cause I can't just"

Luke didn't move.

"I won't break," Kevin said as he grabbed the trapeze again. Struggling a bit, he moved over so there was room for Luke to sit next to him.

Luke sat down on the edge of the bed, his hip barely on the mattress.

"When you were born, I wanted a brother so bad. I mean, Joan was great and all, but she wasn't that much fun. "If I had a brother, it would be so much better."

"Must have been a pretty big disappointment when I did show up," Luke replied.

"What do you mean?" Kevin asked.

"I'm no good at sports, a geek. You had to stick up for me all the time, protect me. I'd think I was more of a liability than the great little brother you were hoping for," Luke replied.

Kevin moved to embrace Luke, then stopped and instead cuffed him on the shoulder. "That's just nuts, Luke. You're the best brother I could have had. I wouldn't want anyone else, no matter what."

Luke broke down. He hadn't cried since the night they had called from the hospital, and even then he hadn't let himself go right away - he'd waited until he was back in their room, the room he shared with Kevin. That night and every night after until his dad took down the bunk beds, he'd slept in the top bunk.

But he hadn't let himself cry for a long time, now: everyone needed him to be brave, to pick up the slack.

Luke brushed away his tears. "Sorry," he said, choking a bit. "Didn't mean to be such a baby."

Kevin reached up once again to touch his brother's arm. "You don't think I cry?"

Luke shook his head.

"Well, at first, I mean it was the drugs, they made me do it, but after that, well, I won't go into detail, but there's a lot of pride to be swallowed when a guy gets in my position. You have no control over so many things, including your emotions. So, sometimes you have to cry, you can't help it. It's not like you can go out for a run and work that stuff out anymore, so you have to do other stuff, like throw something. Or yell at somebody who doesn't deserve it. Or burn your dad's scrapbook"

"Or steal something?" Luke interjected.

Kevin's face grew serious. "Yeah, like that. Because sometimes the bullshit gets so deep you don't believe that anything will feel right again, but you know what, Luke, what I did, that just added to the bs, it didn't help anything."

Luke nodded. Kevin's eyes were locked on his, the silence grew stifling in the room. Luke wanted to respond, to say something that would explain how he'd been feeling to Kevin, but he didn't know what to say.

"Go to bed, kid. You have school and I have to get to work."

Luke stood up. Before he left he paused and turned to his brother. "I'm lucky, you know."

Kevin didn't answer.

"And you are too. And don't worry about other people. If they can't figure it out, then let's not waste our time on them."

Kevin just nodded in agreement. "Good night, Luke." He reached over and flicked off the light.

Luke stood in the darkness for a moment, then headed back to his bedroom. As he walked over to get in bed, he stopped and ran his hand over the headboard. You could still see where the piece fit in to bunk the bed. When they moved to Arcadia his dad had offered to put the beds back up, but Luke had said no. He still didn't want the bunk beds. They were juvenile, but he did want to switch the bed in his room.

He wanted to sleep in Kevin's bed again.

To Be Continued