I don't own the OC or any of the characters in this story
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Anna POV
"And the Lord knows all your fears. You cannot hide them from Him. Speak to Him and he will answer. Open you heart..." the pastor preached.
Marissa and Nick, Seth and I, Ryan and Nick's family were attending a thanksgiving service at St Peter's Lutheran Church in honor of Marissa and Nick's upcoming nuptials. Nick's parents had wanted to have the engagement party in New York but because most of the couple's friends were in California, they refused. They were also going to have the wedding there too. So in order to have some kind of involvement in the celebration, Nick's deeply religious parents had decided to have thanksgiving at their church then a short reception following it. Thanksgiving basically constituted of family and well wishers walking to the altar with gifts or money at a certain point during the regular Sunday mass. I didn't mind because I had planned to come to the church anyway; I looked at it as an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.
I tried to pay attention to the sermon but my mind kept wandering. I glanced at Seth. Seth was sitting next to me while Ryan sat next to him. From the looks on their faces, it was so obvious neither of them wanted to be there. But Marissa had begged us to come so that she'd be able to get a reprieve from Nick's parents and their friends.
Seth glanced back at me and smiled. He held on to my right hand and stroked it slowly. I loved when he did little things like that - it was a signal that he was thinking of me. Dating Seth was almost effortless because he didn't hold back. From the get-go, he let me know what he wanted and so far, he hadn't strayed from it. He was neither clingy nor suffocating instead, he had become someone I could lean on. If I needed some time to myself, he never questioned it. When I was depressed and in a bad mood, he always said the right things to make me laugh. Plus he was very big on public displays of affection. Like for instance, while sitting there pretending to listen to the boring sermon, Seth had kissed my neck twice -he seemed to have a thing for it. He was always kissing it, caressing it, playing with it and I had to admit that it felt nice. Initially, I had been a little wary of all the PDA but I later realized that being with someone who was so sure of his feelings that he didn't mind expressing them anywhere and everywhere was quite refreshing. I guess it was just the way he was raised. From what I could remember, his father was the same way with his Mom. In fact, Seth had been the same way in high school - he'd announced his love for his girlfriend to the entire school. Yes, Seth hadn't changed and from my experience, consistency is one of the most important things you need in love.
Not that he was an angel. Sometimes, he was a little self absorbed -forgetting to do little things I asked of him, talking my ear off without letting me get a word in edgewise or making decisions about us without consulting me but no one's perfect. Right? With Seth Cohen the good definitely outweighed the bad.
The rest of the mass rolled along till we got to the thanksgiving section. Marissa and Nick's family and friends had occupied the first 6 pews in order to allow the procession to move efficiently and swiftly. We sat in the third pew on the right and when it was time for us to go up, we moved in a single file. However, instead of walking in front of me when he got out, Seth did the gentlemanly thing and stood back so that I could go in front of him. Normally, I would have been touched by this gesture except in this instance I was forced to stare into Ryan's back.
Ryan. Ryan's eyes. Ryan's kiss. Ryan's lips. Ryan's soft lips kissing me. It had been three months but that's all I could think of every time I saw his face. Not even. Just the smell of his cologne, or the sound of his voice sent my mind spiraling to depths I couldn't allow myself to explore. Plus getting to know him wasn't making things any easier. Who knew he enjoyed watching independent movies or that Cairo was his #1 vacation spot? I would have been much happier not knowing these things because they made him an individual - someone separate from his relationship with Seth. And that was dangerous. Sometimes, I caught myself watching him when I was supposed to be listening to Seth's anecdote about something. I tried my darnedest to avoid being around him but couldn't -it was out of my control. Seth enjoyed living vicariously through Ryan's life so he made us attend a lot of his industry parties. On occasion, I put my foot down and insisted we go out alone but Seth and Ryan had fallen into this pattern of double dating that appeared very hard to break. And I'd noticed Ryan trying to break it. I'd heard him making excuses for why he couldn't hang out with us, or saying things like "I'm going to be so busy tonight, are you sure you want to come with?" when Seth asked about industry parties. But neither of us could be too pushy, or at least I knew I certainly couldn't because I didn't want Seth to be suspicious. Not that he had any reason to, but, I hadn't told him about the kiss. I just couldn't. It had lasted for less than five seconds but they were very crucial seconds. And I knew Seth had a tendency to interrogate. He'd want to know every minute detail and I didn't want to relive it -it was hard enough trying to forget. And if I told him, how much would I say? The part where he kissed me? The part I kissed him back? Or that I liked it? I couldn't do that to him. Besides, his relationship with Ryan was too important to throw away for a kiss that meant absolutely nothing. And as for my relationship with him? I just couldn't risk it. I loved having a man like him. Every time I looked at my right hand I felt more and more grateful - he was a breath of fresh air and I wasn't risking that for something that could never mean anything. At least nothing of much value. Not even if Marissa tried to hint at it.
It was quite funny. I wonder if she actually thought she was being subtle. Who did she think she was? I figured Ryan had probably told her about it seeing that they are 'soul mates' and all but I didn't care. She was a great girl but because of what she thought she knew, she'd managed to see things that weren't even there. The multitude of girls Ryan dated told me that he didn't want me and I certainly didn't want him. So what gave her the right to try to mess with my head and confuse things? There was no argument - Seth and I were perfect for one another.
After the mass, we went down to the rectory to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres Nick's Mom had had delivered. After mingling for a few minutes, I slipped out to get the flowers that I'd stashed in my car. When I got them, I walked to the graveyard at the back of the church. I did this every Sunday that I didn't even have to pay attention to get to my destination. I pulled some weeds out of the flower bed we had planted and placed the flowers next to the tombstone.
I was standing there reminiscing when I heard some footsteps behind me. I turned around and saw him walking toward me. My heart raced. He stopped when he was standing next to me. He read the inscription:
Here lies Michael A Stern
Son, Husband, Father
Born March 14 1957
Died July 12, 2008
Loved and always missed.
.
"Your Dad?" he asked quietly
"Yeah." We fell silent. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I saw you leaving so I just wanted to make sure that you were alright."
I smiled. It was a sweet thing to do.
"Where's Seth?" I asked.
"Oh, he's talking to Nick's Dad. He's actually quite funny you know. Did you have a chance to speak with him?" I shook my head. "I see," he said.
I kept staring at my father's grave.
"You miss him a lot?" he asked softly.
Not taking my eyes away from the stone I said, "Yes. And you know the funny thing?"
"What?"
"We were never really close when he was alive."
"But you know how it is - you don't know what you've got till it's gone."
I walked about five feet further. "I guess, but it was a little different with us."
Ryan caught up with me. "How so?"
"He and my mother were in love. They weren't just in love - they were madly in love and remained so throughout their marriage."
"That's wonderful."
"Yes... and no. I wasn't planned you see, so it was almost as if I was a side effect - something secondary that happened during the course of their love but not something that came out of their love. I don't know if I am making any sense..."
"I understand completely -it's like you're there but you wonder if they really want you or they're just dealing with you because they have to," he said obviously speaking from experience.
"Exactly. That was how it was. At times I felt closer to my nannies than my own mother. But just as we were finally able to form a real relationship, my father was diagnosed with cancer and voila! I just regret all the anger I'd felt towards them because that kept me from trying to pursue a relationship with him much sooner. You know?" I said looking into his face. He nodded- he understood exactly what I was saying.
"But it's not your fault you know. Don't beat yourself up about it," he said giving me a warm hug. I really shouldn't have but I let him. It was a friendly, reassuring kind of hug.
It felt nice talking to someone who had a deeper understanding of where my pain was coming from. Seth had always had a great relationship with his parents that my issues were almost alien to him and I felt guilty for talking to him about them - he was always uncomfortable and never knew what to say. But it was different with Ryan.
We broke apart. I walked about three steps backward.
"It's not your fault, you know."
"I know. That's why I come here every Sunday to talk to him and make sure everything looks beautiful - that's one thing my father loved - beauty. Paintings, scenery, music, architecture, he loved it all. So I figure that I won't let a little thing like death keep me from getting closer to him."
"And is it working?"
"Yes. My Mom and I used to do this every Sunday, which also helped us get closer but now that she's remarried and moved to Chicago, it's really hard for her to keep coming here, so I do it for both of us. And the saddest thing is, I am out of town next weekend so I won't even be able to do it. I feel terrible because it's almost like my Dad expects flowers every Sunday but I'll have to disappoint him," I rambled on. I couldn't explain it but I was a little nervous.
"I'm sure he'll understand."
"Yeah," I said, not quite believing it.
"You're from Pittsburgh, right?" I nodded. " So why is he buried here?"
"Oh, this is a family plot," I said showing him the other names. "It's been in my father's family for over two hundred years."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
We stood there for a moment, each of us lost in our own thoughts.
"Anna, about the other day..."
"Ryan, please don't," I begged. I'd been anticipating this conversation for a while and I still wasn't ready to deal with it.
"Why not?"
"Because it was nothing. I've already forgotten about it. Please don't ever talk about it again -it didn't happen." He didn't say anything. "Have you told anyone?" I trusted Marissa but if anyone else knew I wanted to be prepared for any surprises.
"Of course not," he said sounding hurt. "What do you take me for?"
"Anyway, I need to get back. I am sure Seth's looking for me."
He grabbed my hand to stop me from leaving. "Anna."
"Ryan, let go of me. What are you doing?"
"Anna, tell me you don't feel it too," he said intensely.
"What?"
"You know what. This," he said pointing to both of us.
"I don't know what you are talking about," I lied. "Please, let go of my arm."
He obeyed. I started walking back to the church. He followed me.
"Why are you doing this?
"I am not doing anything Ryan. Seth is your best friend, I am his girlfriend, some lines should not crossed. Don't you even care about his feelings? We make no sense," I said letting all the excuses I could think of roll off my tongue. Frankly speaking I didn't want to end up the inspiration for some awful country song.
He tried to grab my arm again but I was too quick for him. All I wanted to do was get back to Seth so that everything could get back to normal.
"Seth is a big boy, he'll get over it. But you and I..."
I stopped in my tracks. "You see? Seth will never do something like this to you. He'd never even think it. That makes me want him even more," I said, hoping to make the words true.
He grabbed my shoulders and made me look at him.
"Anna, grow the fuck up. This is not 2004. O.K. he hurt you -he wanted Summer and not you. Get over it. It's done. It was such a long time ago. Are you going to let that dictate your life forever? Are you going to ignore what's going on in front of you, right now, because of some silly crush you had in high school?" he spat out with venom.
Summer? Silly crush? How dare he? I could have slapped him. I really could have. In fact, I wanted to hurt him. If I had a baseball bat I might have clobbered the life out of him. But I didn't want to let him know that he had gotten to me. I just couldn't. People say sadistic things like that just to get a rise out of you - and I was not going to give him the satisfaction. Yes, I'd been hurt when he'd rejected me and Seth wanting me now was almost like vindication but that wasn't all it was. We had something special. Something Ryan could obviously not understand.
I pushed him off me.
I pointed at him. "You're the one ignoring what's right in front of you - Seth and I. Ryan do you hear me? Me and Seth are happy together. Why do you want to mess that up? Do you have to have all the women in the New York? You're out with a different girl every night. Must you have me too?"
His eyes turned cloudy. The look in them was cold, stark, almost frightening. Without a word, he walked past me and back to the church. I rejoined Seth and Marissa who'd barely noticed I was absent. When it was over, instead of riding back with us, Ryan decided to stay with Marissa and her new family.
