-- Blue Moon --
Chapter 05: Blinking
Thursday March 18, 2004
Scribbler's ramblings: Finally, I'm beginning to write this story again. It's actually been four months since I posted the last chapter. Woah… Yosh for procrastination!
I've dropped the use of most honorifics and nicknames because I found that they were usually wrong. If it bothers you, I suggest you go read another fic. Thank you.
Disclaimers: I love Pringles, Pocky and Pucca. I do not own Puruba (nor Furuba). O_o; Spontaneity is so becoming.
-=+=-
He slammed the door on his way in, kicked off his shoes (which hit the wall with two loud whumphs) and stomped his way into the kitchen. He glared at a particularly annoying wall and frowned at a lofty houseplant.
Kyou was angry, no doubt about it.
And Tohru was worried. What had gone wrong this time?
"Bien-ven-ue, Kyou!" she piped up.
Kyou plopped down in front of the table and looked at her quizzically. Actually, it was more of a curious scowl. His day had just been maddeningly horrible, and now even his girlfriend was acting all crazy.
"I-I think it means 'welcome' in French," she added, smiling nervously. "They say it a lot in Paris. Or at least, that-that's what I heard on the TV."
He almost glared at her, but ended up averting his gaze to a nearby plate. No, he couldn't be angry at Tohru. He should be angry for her. Yuki and Hatori and the rest of the world were trying to pull them apart. They were trying to tear their hearts in two. There wasn't any way Kyou would ruin his relationship with Tohru.
"Oh," he said gruffly.
Apparently a little too gruffly, for Tohru's eyes glistened and she turned to continue preparing supper.
Oh man, Kyou thought. His forehead hit the table and both arms wrapped around his very angry, confused, depressed head.
He had just made his girlfriend cry. Smart, real smart.
Tohru plopped onto the seat opposite of him, laying down multiple dishes upon the table. She kept her eyes low and concentrated on her lap. Damnit, you've ruined her day too. You're such an idiot Kyou, he thought to himself.
He reached over and lifted her face. "Please Tohru, don't cry. I've just had a bad day, that's all. Don't cry Tohru, I don't like to see you cry," he reasoned.
She refused to look at him. Instead, she whispered the words, "Is it just a bad day, Kyou? Only this one bad day? Or is it something else?"
Kyou stopped. Tohru wasn't implying…
"Because bad days can always be cured by tickle fights!" she cried, leaping upon Kyou and tickling him for all he was worth.
His thoughts of loss were quickly replaced by automatic happiness. "Ah! Don't Tohru, you know I hate tickle…" but he couldn't fit in anymore words, he was laughing too hard.
They rolled around the wooden floor, pushing aside pillows and renegade dust bunnies. He grabbed her, pinning her arms against her sides. "Ha! No more tickling for you!" he said, triumphant.
Tohru couldn't help but smile. Kyou's involuntary laughter died down into a grin as well. But somehow, he knew he was lying to himself. The tickles, they had brought a momentary high; but it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to feel the eternal happiness that could only be had with Tohru.
It wasn't real. His happiness wasn't real. And it wouldn't be real until he had Tohru with him, forever and always. But Tohru was really Yuki's.
That damn rat. That damn perfect rat with his perfect life. Could he really understand Kyou's pain? His fear of hatred and detachment? No, because the rat was far too preoccupied with keeping his own precious life in check.
For now, Kyou had Tohru. Tohru was his. Tohru was his to keep and love. They could share their happiness. For now.
Kyou kept the artificial smile on his face. "No more tickling Tohru," he declared. He let her go and settled down again.
No more tickling. There would be no more artificial bliss between them.
But what's left without these fake moments Kyou? Do you really love her?
Does she really love you?
-=+=-
"Meeting dismissed," Yuki announced, ending the student council meeting.
Representatives shuffled out of the classroom, sending worried glances out the windows that reflected the darkening sky and repeatedly checking their watches. Yuki did have to admit, it had been a particularly long meeting today.
He was the last to leave, and as he exited he turned off the lights and quietly shut the door.
He turned around and ran into Kajiko. Instinctively, he prepared himself for the resulting transformation, but realized that that didn't exist anymore. "Oh Kajiko, I didn't notice you there," he said coolly, opening his eyes. He leaned against the lockers, attempting to look careless.
She looked at him strangely, confused and surprised at the same time; as if meeting a person for the first time. "Oh… Yuki! Yes, Yuki… I didn't see you either. I'm sorry, archery just ended and I was heading home. I didn't mean to startle you," she replied, still looking puzzled.
"You didn't startle me," Yuki insisted.
Kajiko nodded apprehensively.
Yuki smiled lightly, "Do you want me to walk you home?"
She smiled back at him, "No, it's okay. I have a ride. Thanks for the offer though."
"Oh… right," he replied.
"Yep." That confused look returned to her face. "I… I think I have to go now… Yuki. Yes, Yuki."
She bowed politely and left his presence. Yuki stayed, still casually leaning against the lockers. When she finally exited through a side door, he straightened up and sighed. Meetings with Kajiko were always tense and awkward. Things couldn't be the same between them; erasing memories never left things the same.
Yuki backed his bag and wandered out of the building.
Lost memories never left things the same.
-=+=-
The sky felt ominously overbearing that day, and I was eager to get home. I was tired. The sky was tired. My life was tired.
I sighed again.
And finally, lights up ahead. They radiated a meager glow against the rest of the night sky, but at least they were there. A small beacon of comfort.
Stepping inside, I met Tohru just as she was leaving. Probably going a date with Kyou. "Good evening, Tohru. A date with Kyou, I assume?"
I probably sneered when I mentioned his name, but she wasn't about to say anything. Instead, she laughed. "You've caught me again Yuki. How can you read my actions so easily?"
She pulled on one of her shoes. They were her good shoes. They must be heading to a fancy, lovely place.
"You only smile that way when you're with him," I replied.
She laughed again. She only laughed that way when she was with him.
Or did she? I realized the irony of my comment. Did she smile and laugh that way with me before?
"You know me so well, Yuki," she commented, smoothing out a wrinkle in her skirt.
She looked pretty today. They must be headed somewhere romantic.
I wondered how she would handle the information about us. Yuki and Tohru. Even in my mind it seemed unacceptable.
Acceptance is… Acceptance is…
"Kana and Momiji aren't feeling too well lately," I blurted out. The conversation had waned. I didn't like feeling awkward around Tohru.
"Oh really? Remind me to make them some soup later," Tohru said distractedly. She was busy retying a ribbon in her hair. She never cared this much about the way she looked. It must be a nice place.
"That's thoughtful of you Tohru," I remarked. But I don't think that will help, I thought to myself.
"Oh it's really nothing," she said. Finally she glanced up at me, but just as quickly looked away. "Do I look okay?" she asked.
"You look beautiful," I answered.
You're always beautiful.
-=+=-
Yuki was hiding something. I could tell. I could read him as easily as he thought he could read me. I didn't want to confront him though. I didn't like confrontations.
I didn't like looking into his eyes.
It was an odd thought, yes, but I guess my logic is always kind of wrong. Sort of. Yuki… is a friend. A great friend, and one who I will always love.
I just have doubts nowadays. Nowadays, I can't trust my own mind. It's like there are people pulling at the corners of my mind, stretching me this way and that. I know it's strange, and 'Kaasan told me that when she was stressed it would happen to her too. But I'm not stressed. At least I don't think I am.
Nowadays, I can't trust my own mind. Nowadays, I can't trust my own past.
Yes, another strange thought. But I've been having doubts. I'm a constant worrier, I can't help but think and fuss too much. It's part of my character. I can't help but think that there is something missing from way back when.
Way back when…
When what?
I smoothed another crease in my skirt. "Thanks for the input Yuki! Let's see what Kyou has to say about it," I replied. "Kyou! Ready for our date yet?"
I blushed. Saying it out loud sounded a lot stranger than in my head. But it was a nice thought. Yuki looked away. He must've felt awkward too.
Actually, no, not awkward. He was… sad.
Sad? How could Yuki be sad? Why was Yuki sad? Yuki shouldn't be sad, he could lose sleep! He could…
I began worrying again.
Suddenly I felt a warm hand clasping my own cold, worried one. "You ready, Tohru?" Kyou asked, looking at me.
I liked looking into his eyes.
"Yep!" I voiced, cheerily.
A little too cheerily maybe, because Yuki glanced at me. I tried to avoid his gaze, but he stared at me with those sad eyes of his.
Yuki, a great friend, and one who I will always love.
But those sad eyes…
-=+=-
Tonight, there are emotions running high. Strangely, I feel like crying. I feel like running and never coming home.
No.
Never reaching home.
Looking out the window, I see nothing odd. The blue moon has gone. The festival has packed up and left. What's left is an empty lot littered with carnival junk.
I can't ignore the emotions. They're powerful.
Looking out the window, I see my translucent reflection. It's distorted in a way, but my hair is just as long and my eyes are just as black. The eyes are windows to the soul. A great person once said that. Which great person is beyond me.
Looking out the window, I can see the lights.
Looking out the window, I can't escape the emotions.
Denpa is always difficult to read, but this time I'm having an especially difficult time interpreting it. A little heartbreak. A lot of sadness. Some anger in between. And happiness. An undeniable happiness.
Freedom.
What's happening outside the windows?
What do you see that I can't?
-=+=-
The stars had finally broken free of the web of clouds, whilst the moon peeked out from behind the perfectly planned mess. The night smelt like tree and skunk, but with him, it didn't matter. We were walking through the forest, side by side, me by him, him by me, together and always… We were just walking home.
"That restaurant was great Kyou!" I piped up.
"Really? Did you think it was good?" Kyou asked, uncertain.
"Yes, I really enjoyed it," I replied. Kyou was so cute when he was doubtful.
"Yea, I have to admit, the fish there was good," he said, finally relaxing.
"You'll always be a cat a heart," I commented, grabbing and tweaking his ear.
"You know me," Kyou said, finding the comfortable spot around my shoulders to wrap his arm around.
Do I really know you, Kyou?
And another push and pull, tug and twist, just at the edges of my mind.
Kyou's arm felt heavy on my shoulders. A burden really, and I adjusted myself into a more comfortable position. Blushing, he withdrew his arm from around my shoulder, and instead held my hand. Even then, he seemed hesitant.
I was surprised at this hesitancy. Before, he wouldn't mind my head against his chest; my sitting in his arms; even my kiss. Before, things were more intimate.
But I remembered a time when things were exactly like this. When Kyou was shy, yet angry. Loving, but so extremely careful. Or perhaps I was just imagining things. Maybe it was some imaginary world I had made up in my head as an excuse to worry.
Or maybe it was life before the accident.
For a moment, life blinked and shuddered and I squeezed Kyou's hand to anchor myself to this reality.
Maybe I really didn't belong with Kyou. Maybe all those thoughts that wrenched my mind this way and that, that whispered secret things to me; maybe they had a point.
"Tohru, are you feeling alright? You look sort of … pressured," Kyou questioned, taking over my post as the worrier.
"I'm fine," I declared. "I'm just tired from tonight's date."
Date. I withdrew my hand from his, and he all too willingly let go.
The vague car horns in the distance were invading our peaceful silence. Or awkward one.
"Yep, it's a beautiful night tonight, isn't it Tohru?" he asked.
Small talk. Small talk was always good. "Spectacular! Can you see the Seven Sisters?" I asked. I was already pointing them out. "Right there, beside…"
I raised my hand to the right and noticed a small garden down the hill beside the path. It was a quaint, square little thing. Not so much a garden as a vegetable patch.
'Kaasan had taught me to identify different veggies, and even in the darkness I could see the silhouettes of tomato plants, tufts of carrot leaves and dainty strawberry plants.
I liked strawberries. They were my favourite…
I gasped. Kyou immediately placed his hand on my shoulder, "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"
"I'm…I'm…" I was shaken.
"Let's just get home, okay Tohru? I'll call Hatori when we get there," Kyou said.
"Don't fret about me," I replied and smiled. "I'm supposed to be the one who worries."
That relaxed him a little and I was glad he was comforted. On the other hand, my mind was in frantic turmoil.
Strawberries are my favourite Yuki.
We'll plant them sometime then Tohru.
That would be wonderful!
How could I forget? My head was suddenly throbbing. Overfilled with memories I had so thoughtlessly given away. Sweet times.
How could I ever forget?
Kyou looked past my face and into the forest. He spotted the garden as well. He saw the strawberries too. Realization hit him as hard as it hit me. He wanted to run, I could tell. I could tell everything. I could tell that from the moment he got home he was hiding something. He was hiding something… Just as Yuki had been.
He placed his hand against my forehead, checking my temperature, but at the same time giving him the excuse to lift my face and look into my eyes. I averted my gaze.
I didn't like looking into his eyes anymore.
And all he wanted to do was run.
-=+=-
Scribbles: Finally, another chapter complete. Yus yus, I realize pace and style have dramatically changed throughout this story, but you'll have to expect that. Blue Moon is probably going to be completed over the course of a year, O_O!
Thanks for reading! Review if you wish. I prefer that criticism be constructive rather than all out insulting.
Sunday April 04, 2004
