Ranma ½: A Deadly Choice
Chapter 4: The Search for Kodachi Begins!
Tatewaki Kuno's wooden blade dug into the flesh of Ranma's neck as the upperclassman climbed out of the Tendos' backyard koi pond, ignoring the water that dripped from his clothes and the fish that he'd managed to net in a fold of his shirt. "Return my sister to me this instant, Ranma Saotome, if your life holds any worth to you at all!"
Ranma sighed with exasperation. "Kuno, how can I put this so you'll understand? For one thing –" he grabbed Kuno's bokken between his finger and thumb and easily swung the point aside "- I really don't consider you a threat. For another, your sister isn't here."
"You dare lie to me?" shouted Kuno, yanking his sword out of Ranma's grip. "I saw you taking her with my own eyes!"
"If your sister WAS here, do you think I'd have a moment's peace?" asked Ranma. "Of course not! She'd be all over me with that insane laugh of hers even before you could wave that stick in my face!"
Kuno let his sword fall to his side as he considered Ranma's words. "It is true, my sister would never be able to restrain herself while the two of you resided in the same house..." The bokken sliced through the air millimeters beneath Ranma's nose. "Which means that you must have bound her within! Oh, my poor sister, helpless and unable to move at the hands of this evil one! Fear not! I shall free you from this prison!"
Ranma tilted his head to avoid the clumsy, fury-powered swings of Kuno's bokken. "Clue-a-gram for Kuno! Your sister ain't here!"
"Silence!" ordered Kuno as he moved toward Ranma, pressing a ferocious attack. "Stop playing the coward and fight back!"
Akane, now fully clothed, leapt from her bedroom window to land behind Ranma. "Ranma, you have to fight him, or you'll just be dodging forever!"
"And if I do beat him," countered Ranma, sidestepping a series of attacks, "he'll just attack me again as soon as he recovers. This won't be over until I can convince him that fighting me won't accomplish anything."
Akane rolled up her sleeve. "If you won't hit him, then I will!"
"Stay outta this, Akane!" barked Ranma. "This is between me and him!"
"I agree, Akane Tendo," Kuno said without pausing his attack. "Only by defeating Ranma by my own hand will I both rescue my dear sister and prove myself worthy of a date with you!"
"You'll never beat me, Kuno," said Ranma, taking another step to the side.
Kuno continued to move with Ranma, swinging his bokken with increasing fury but still failing to hit his mark. "And if you refuse to fight me, you cannot win!"
'What is he planning to do?' Akane thought, watching Ranma's movements carefully. He seemed to be moving somewhere with his sideways steps, but if he kept going in that direction, he'd hit... "Ranma, watch where you're going!" she shouted. "You'll fall into the pond!"
"I know!" he shouted back. "He can't hit me then, can he?"
"So, you are attempting to run away from our fight!" said Kuno, completely misinterpreting Ranma's intentions. He swiveled around to stand between Ranma and the koi pond. "There is no escape, cur! This fight will end in bloodshed, and it will not be mine!"
The dining room door slid open to admit Kasumi. "Excuse me, everyone!" she called to the fighters in the backyard. Noting that Kuno's sword was not currently swinging, she continued. "I don't mean to interrupt your battle, but we have a visitor who'd like to speak to Ranma!"
"Battle?" asked Ukyo as she followed Kasumi into the dining room. "What battle?" Her eyes settled on Ranma and Kuno as they resumed their fight. "Oh, no! Hang on, Ranma honey!" She hefted her oversized spatula and charged for the door, shrieking a battle cry fit for a true warrior princess.
"Stay back, Ukyo!" warned Ranma. "I can handle this myself!"
Ukyo stopped short only a few feet away. "Oh, it's just Kuno. Never mind, then." She holstered her spatula. "You definitely don't need my help." She watched the kendoist take a few more swings. "Although... you don't seem to be making much progress."
"He's not trying to beat Kuno," Akane explained in a worried tone. "He's trying to make Kuno see reason! He wants to TALK Kuno out of fighting!"
"In that case, all the help I could give wouldn't be enough!" said Ukyo. "What's gotten into your head, Ranma honey?"
"He's been like this ever since he got home last night," Akane told her. "I don't know what to do!"
"I see," said Ukyo. "Don't worry. I think I know what to do."
Meanwhile, Kuno continued to fight in total ignorance of Ukyo's arrival. "Stand your ground, knave, that I may slay you and recover my sibling!" he demanded.
"Kuno, do you honestly think attacking me is going to get you your sister back?" Ranma asked.
Kuno hummed to himself as he considered Ranma's question without letting his barrage of sword blows flag. "Yes!" he decided. "The sword of truth shall –"
The business end of Ukyo's spatula smashed into Kuno's face, knocking him to the ground, unconscious, before he could describe the intended noble exploits of his weapon. "That," she said triumphantly as she re-sheathed her own weapon, "is how to talk Kuno out of fighting."
Ranma stared down at the fallen Kuno and nodded thoughtfully. "I guess that would work too."
"I suppose a 'thank you' was too much to expect," Ukyo said glumly. "Anyway, what the heck were you thinking? Since when have you ever NOT wanted to pop Kuno a good one in the face?"
"Well, whether she's here or not, Kodachi is missing," Ranma pointed out. "And even if I don't like her all that much, I'm still kinda worried about her. I want to find out exactly what happened to her."
"Why would you care?" asked Ukyo, careful not to put the emphasis on the word "you". "I say good riddance!"
"Because if I don't get her back," replied Ranma, "I get to wake up every morning to THAT." He pointed at Kuno's dozing form.
"Good point," Ukyo admitted. "I guess maybe I shouldn't have hit him so hard, huh?"
"What are you going to do, Ranma?" asked Akane. "You can't reason with Kuno."
Ranma scratched his head. "I dunno. He's definitely no conversationalist. But pounding him isn't going to work either."
"Here, let me try something," offered Nabiki as she stepped out of the house.
Akane turned to stare at her sister in disbelief. "Nabiki? You want to help us? Why?"
"As amusing as this little show is, it's not helping my digestion," Nabiki explained. "Whatever it takes to get you people to take it elsewhere..." She dealt Kuno a sharp kick to the head. "Time to wake up, Kuno baby."
Kuno shook his head and groggily sat up. "What place is this?" he asked sleepily, looking around. "The Tendo Dojo? For what purpose could I have come –" His eyes fell on Akane. "Akane Tendo! Of course! It must be that I came hither for a date with you!"
Akane pounded him on the head. "Idiot! You came here because your sister was kidnapped!"
Kuno leapt to his feet. "Correct! I came to smite the infidel, Ranma Saotome!"
Ranma sighed heavily. "Haven't you had enough yet, Kuno?"
"Never!" shouted Kuno, brandishing his bokken. "I will have had enough when my sister stands before me, and not a moment sooner!"
"Then why don't you let Ranma help you find your sister?" suggested Nabiki. "Let him put that mindless determination to good use working FOR you instead of AGAINST you."
Ukyo hummed, impressed. "Good idea."
Kuno glared at Nabiki in indignation. "Accept aid from the very one who stole her? Perish the thought! My honor will never allow such an alliance!"
Nabiki shook her head in disgust. "Which is more important, your honor or your sister's life?"
Kuno scratched the back of his neck with his bokken as he considered the question. "Such a difficult choice... I must not trivialize this decision, lest the scorned party be offended at my slight."
"It was a rhetorical question," Nabiki interrupted. "I'll rephrase it: if you don't let Ranma help you find Kodachi, you'll probably never see her again."
"Blackmail!" shouted Kuno.
"It's not blackmail; it's an arrangement of convenience," corrected Nabiki. "You get help finding Kodachi from someone with an ounce of brains, and Ranma goes along with it to avoid having to put up with you any longer than necessary. Isn't that right, Ranma?"
Ranma nodded. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?"
"Who are you to speak of enemies?" demanded Kuno. "It was you I saw fleeing from my sister's bedroom in a shower of her own rose petals!"
"But how could that be?" asked Akane. "Ranma was here all night! Mousse –" She quickly broke off before she could betray her own secret, but Ranma was already deeply contemplating.
"Somebody must be trying to frame me," he decided. "Somebody disguised themselves as me in order to make it look like I kidnapped Kodachi."
"Who would want to do that?" asked Ukyo.
Ranma shrugged. "Beats me. I've lost count of the number of people who hate me. But there must be better ways to get revenge than sending Kuno after me..."
"Do you continue to insult me?" asked Kuno. "Then certainly I cannot conspire with you!"
"Hey, I'm not thrilled with the idea either!" Ranma retorted. "But we're gonna have to work together if we want to find Kodachi, like it or not!"
"Not!" shouted Kuno. "A most bitter negative, I say! Tatewaki Kuno works with no one!"
"No one?" Nabiki asked slyly. "You wouldn't be saying that if it were AKANE asking you..."
Kuno's eyes lit up as he got completely the wrong idea from Nabiki's remark – just as Nabiki had intended. "Akane Tendo, you would help me locate my missing sister? Oh, what a joyous day!" He lifted Akane up and spun her around in a mock dance. "Surely the kidnap of my sister was not a curse, but a blessing to bring the two of us –"
Akane kicked him in the face and wiggled out of his grip. "I never agreed to go along with you!"
Ukyo grabbed Akane's shoulder and dragged her aside. "Akane, remember what happened to Ranma yesterday," she whispered. "Someone needs to watch him and make sure it doesn't happen again."
The agreement was halfway out of Akane's mouth before her suspicions brought her up short. This was the type of chance that Ukyo would normally leap at. Besides, Kuno wouldn't annoy the chef nearly as much as he would Akane. "Why can't you do it?" she asked suggestively, praying that Ukyo would take the bait. "I'm sure you'd have a good time."
"I've got a restaurant to run," replied Ukyo. "Besides, didn't Ranma say he wanted you to care about him? I know he'd appreciate you making this sacrifice on his behalf."
"And why would you be interested in helping me?" asked Akane.
"It's not about you," said Ukyo. "It's for Ranma's sake."
"For Ranma?" Akane repeated. The mention of his name brought out the memories of the strange way he had been acting since the previous afternoon. For all that it was disturbing, he had made her think quite a bit, questioning her own feelings for him. Sure, he was arrogant and often downright rude, but hadn't she come to forgive him for that? And what about Ukyo's advice? As much as it hurt to admit that her rival was right, she was in a bad spot. To watch Ranma as Ukyo had suggested would be... what? What was so objectionable about it? Ukyo was entitled to good ideas. Could Akane let her pride prevent her from doing what needed to be done? Could she let her pride hurt Ranma?
A voice broke through her meditation. "Come on, Akane," Ranma whispered, leaning over her shoulder. "If I can put up with a tomboy like you, you should be able to put up with Kuno."
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL!" Akane shouted as she put the back of her fist through his face. That was pride! But even as she shouted it, she realized that it wasn't quite true. She did care about Ranma, despite his flaws. Of course she had to go along with him to keep him out of trouble. But first she had to come up with an excuse to accept Ukyo's advice without appearing to agree with Ukyo.... Sighing, she managed to calm herself. "But, if I don't go along, you and Kuno will be fighting here all day," she said at last. "So I guess I'd better go with you."
"Great!" said Nabiki, slamming her fist into her palm triumphantly. "Now, you'll want to start by searching at the scene of the crime."
"'You?'" repeated Akane. "Aren't you coming with us, Nabiki?"
Nabiki shook her head. "Sorry, but the Kuno mansion isn't exactly the venue of choice for someone who values her life as much as I do. You three can have just as much fun without me." She held up a finger. "Besides, I can sense a profitable situation in the vicinity. Business before pleasure, right?"
"Just make sure you take a break for lunch," Ukyo reminded Ranma. "After all, I came all the way here just to invite you back to the restaurant today. I want the lunch you missed yesterday, with interest." She winked slyly at him.
Ranma swallowed hard as he edged nervously away from Ukyo. "Sure thing, Ucchan. Wouldn't miss it for the world." He turned to the others. "So, shall we go?"
"Yes!" shouted Kuno, raising his bokken to the sky with one hand and grabbing Akane's wrist in the other. "Off with us now, Akane Tendo! Our destiny awaits!"
"This is a search, not a date, you moron!" Akane yelled as he ran for the front gate, dragging her behind him.
"You unhand her right now, Kuno, or the deal's off!" Ranma shouted as he chased the departing pair.
Soun took a sip from his teacup. "It's always nice to
see them working together, eh, Saotome?" Genma turned his head at the sound
of a splash coming from the bathroom, and the subsequent emergence of Ryoga,
who charged into the backyard and leapt over the garden wall. Soun didn't
even bat an eye.
"I wonder if Ryoga wanted to help in the search too," said Kasumi. "But he wasn't going in the right direction..."
Nabiki ignored her older sister and her father as she crouched beside the koi pond, where Mousse had finally managed to climb over the rocks to reach dry land. "Say, how would you like some hot water?" she offered.
Mousse emphatically quacked his approval.
"Well, that depends," Nabiki said with a cruel note to her voice. "How much money will you have on you when you return to human form?"
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Hikaru Gosunkugi paused in his reading to inhale deeply, once again taking in the wonderful aroma of his latest creation. "The world smells more delicious when everything's going your way!" he cackled gleefully. "Today is the day! My greatest voodoo recipe is almost complete, and with the ingredients I 'borrowed' from Kodachi Kuno, my plan can't possibly fail!" He put his finger to his lips. "That is, unless I make a mistake, or something goes wrong." On that note, he returned his full attention to the book in front of him, carefully reviewing the procedure he would follow.
The timer beeped, briefly diverting his attention from the book again. "Aha! They're ready!" He dashed across the kitchen to the oven, carefully opened the door with one hand while he grabbed the oven mitt with the other, and slid the baking sheet out. "My beautiful chocolate chip cookies," he said as he set the tray on the counter. "Soon, you'll have cooled enough to eat. And then, I will begin the final stage of my plan!" He dry-washed his hands and returned to the book and materials he had set out on the kitchen table. All that was left was to use the pictures he'd so painstakingly collected...
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Kuno paused at the door to his sister's room. "We must take care in crossing the threshold," he warned. "My twisted sister trusts not even I with the nature of her security." He turned the doorknob and pushed the door open, reflexively ducking the swinging boom which continued on to barely miss Ranma and Akane, taking a few hairs off as it passed right over their heads. "How fortunate that it was aimed for my head," Kuno remarked casually. "Had it hit Akane, I would never have been able to forgive myself."
Akane shrieked belatedly. "What are you thinking? Couldn't you have warned us about that?"
Kuno quickly shushed her. "Please keep your voice down!" he begged. "My father has moved in with us since the school year ended, and likely sleeps at present. Should we awaken him, our heads will certainly be lighter upon our egress."
Ranma groaned. "Great. Nothing's ever easy." He crept into Kodachi's room, keeping his eyes peeled for additional traps. The room was in such disarray, however, that anything could have been hidden invisibly even in plain sight. Most of Kodachi's possessions had been thrown from shelves and dresser tops onto the floor, which was ankle-deep in black rose petals. The lifeless stems of the rose vines that had shed those petals covered most of the walls, except where the pins that held them up had been torn out and allowed the vines to sag, revealing black rose patterned wallpaper beneath. "She's obsessed," noted Ranma.
"We have to find some kind of clue," said Akane. "Something to show who did this, or where they might have taken Kodachi..."
"Whoever it was, they sure took the time to mess this place up," said Ranma, picking up a picture frame that was half-buried in the rose petals. He took one look at his own smiling mug and dropped it facedown. "Maybe they were trying to cover their tracks? Bury the clues?"
"There has to be something!" protested Akane as she pushed a pile of Kodachi's possessions and rose petals off of the bed. "Just keep looking."
"Perhaps in the closet," Kuno wondered aloud, sliding the door open. A boxing glove on a spring popped out of one of the shelves and smacked him in the stomach.
"Ah, ah, ah, dear brother!" laughed Kodachi's voice from the depths of the closet as Kuno fell to his knees, clutching his stomach in pain. "You know better than to pry at my private possessions!"
Ranma carefully reached around the door and pulled out a tape recorder, pressing the stop button to silence Kodachi's insane cackling. "Nice work, Kuno. Keep sniffing out those traps for us."
"Hey, Ranma, take a look at this!" called Akane from the far side of the room where Kodachi's dresser stood. "One of the drawers isn't quite closed!"
Ranma waded through the rose petals to the dresser and stared at the slightly ajar top drawer. "Hmmm... maybe there's something important inside."
"I would not advise touching that drawer," said Kuno. "Yon compartment houses my sister's most nether garments, and she protects it most fiercely."
"And how would you know that?" Ranma asked casually.
Kuno cleared his throat. "Never mind that!" he snapped. "I simply cannot allow the opening of that drawer!"
Ranma shrugged and returned his attention to the drawer. "There's gotta be a clue in there..."
"Ranma, I have an idea," announced Akane. She handed Ranma a gymnastic ribbon. "I found this lying on the floor. You can use it to open the drawer from across the room."
Ranma quickly wound the end of the ribbon around the handle of the drawer and stepped around the bed. "Everybody duck," he warned. "We don't know what will happen." Akane obligingly crouched next to him, while Kuno scrabbled his way under the bed. Once he was satisfied that everyone was as safe as they could be, Ranma gave the ribbon a sharp jerk, pulling the drawer out in a single smooth motion. He heard a series of loud snaps, followed by the soft sound of the drawer landing in the thick pile of rose petals, and then silence.
"I wonder what kind of trap that was," whispered Akane.
"Mousetraps," replied Kuno's muffled voice from under the bed. "It seems that this area too is off-limits."
Ranma peered over the bed. "Then there were no traps on the drawer?"
"It was already open when we got here," Akane reminded him. "Maybe someone already set them off."
"Hmmm..." Ranma stepped around the bed to examine the fallen drawer and its contents. However, the only things on the floor in front of the dresser were the drawer itself and the ubiquitous rose petals. "That's weird. The drawer was empty."
"Empty?" repeated Akane. "Why would she keep that drawer empty?"
"Maybe she keeps her panties somewhere else," suggested Ranma. He strode to the dresser and opened the remaining drawers one at a time. "Nope... no... no panties here." He picked the empty drawer up and slid it back into its place. "This was her panty drawer, all right. But there's nothing in it now."
"Do you think whoever kidnapped Kodachi stole her underwear too?" asked Akane.
"It's a possibility," agreed Ranma. "Which pretty much narrows it down to one stinky old goat."
"But Happosai doesn't look anything like you," Akane noted. "How could Kuno mistake him for you?"
"It was – ungh!" Kuno grunted as he hauled himself out from under the bed, the mousetraps affixed to his clothes and skin catching on the bed frame with every movement. "It was not Happosai I saw; of that I am certain!"
"I admit it's a long shot," said Ranma, "but I can't think of anyone else who'd risk the booby traps to clean out Kodachi's panty drawer. Even if Happosai's not the one who kidnapped her, he must have been in here pretty recently. Maybe he knows something, or spotted a clue while he was here."
"Well, it's the best lead we've got right now," conceded Akane. "I suppose we could try to find him..."
Kuno finally managed to pull himself to his feet. "I reiterate: Happosai is not the one we need to find!"
"If this lead doesn't work out, we'll have to keep searching Kodachi's room," Ranma pointed out, pulling the mousetrap off of Kuno's nose and handing it to him.
Kuno rubbed his aching nose tenderly. "Very well. Then let us be off to see Happosai."
"It's not that easy," said Akane. "He left a few days ago and didn't tell anyone where he was going."
Ranma nodded. "We'd have to find him first."
"Would that loyal Sasuke had returned from his search for Kodachi..." mused Kuno.
"I HAVE returned," announced the squat ninja from the doorway, where he was kneeling with his head down. "I've been looking all over the house for you, but I never dreamed you'd be in Mistress Kodachi's bedroom!"
"We're looking for clues to who kidnapped Kodachi," explained Akane.
Surprised by the unexpected voice, Sasuke's head snapped to attention. "Akane Tendo? You're here too?" His eyes scanned the room. "And Ranma Saotome!" He stood up and looked inquisitively at Kuno. "You didn't tell me you were expecting guests, Master Kuno!"
"Must I apprise you of my every decision, Sasuke?" Kuno asked impatiently.
"Oh, no, Master Kuno!" said Sasuke, nearly banging his head on the floor with fevered bowing.
"We ain't got time for you two to play Upstairs, Downstairs," said Ranma. "We have to find the old freak!"
"Old freak?" asked Sasuke. "But I thought you were searching for Mistress Kodachi!"
Kuno sighed. "Yes, 'tis true that we seek my sister. But we are led to believe that her whereabouts might be known to the one called Happosai."
"Ah, yes, him." Sasuke nodded. "I had the chance to encounter him as I searched the city earlier."
"Then you know where he is?" Akane asked excitedly.
"He's renting an apartment in Juuban," replied Sasuke. "I could lead you there, if you'd like."
"Hold your tongue, Sasuke," ordered Kuno. "I have a better idea. You will lead us to this Happosai's apartment."
"A brilliant suggestion, master," agreed Sasuke with a deep bow.
"Don't you ever get tired of sucking up to him?" Ranma mumbled under his breath.
"Very well, then!" said Kuno. "Hie we to Happosai!" He strode boldly toward the door, only to vanish into a trapdoor that opened beneath his feet, screaming all the way to the bottom.
Principal Kuno poked his head into the room cautiously. "Aloha! Me think me hear noise in here, and look what me find! It be Ranma Saotome and his lil' wahine, Akane Tendo! How ya been, keiki?"
"We really don't have time to chat," said Akane, glancing longingly at the trapdoor. "You see, Upperclassman Kuno..."
"Oh, me poor lil' Tacchi!" wailed Principal Kuno, instantly bursting into tears. "He done run off left his poppa behind! And Kodachi gone too! What me to do?"
"Oh, don't cry, Master," urged Sasuke. "Your son and his friends are looking for Mistress Kodachi as we speak. I'm sure they'll find her in no time!"
"Me hope so..." bawled the Principal. "She didn't even stop for a haircut befo' she left! What she gonna do wit' hair dat long?"
A hand reached up out of the trapdoor and grabbed the floor, followed shortly by the rest of Tatewaki Kuno. "Good morning, father," he said breathlessly. "Out for a morning trim?"
Principal Kuno adjusted his sunglasses. "Tacchi boy... you ain't gonna go look for ya sista wit' ya hair lookin' like dat, are ya?"
"Father..." Kuno began as he tried to edge his way past the large man who was blocking the entire doorway.
"Actually, I think I could use a haircut," Ranma offered.
Akane's eyes bugged out of her head. "WHAT?"
The Principal clasped his hands in joy. "Ya mean it?"
Ranma nodded. "Yep." He sat in a chair beside the wall
and flipped his pigtail over its back. "Just make sure it's nice and short."
"Oh happy day!" cheered the Principal. "De keiki finally learn ta appreciate de short haircut!" He gleefully produced an electric razor from some mysterious location about his person and skipped over to the chair. "Now, where ta begin?"
As the razor descended, Ranma slid under it and off of the chair, which flipped backwards into the wall along with the entire floor around it, tipping the Principal into the mysterious space behind the wall. "That should keep him busy for a while," Ranma announced triumphantly, wiping his palms together. "Now, let's get the heck out of here before we find any more traps!"
"Don't worry, Master Kuno!" Sasuke shouted to the now-empty wall. "Once we find Mistress Kodachi, I'll come back to rescue you!"
"Hurry up, lil' Sasuke!" the Principal's voice echoed as the party quickly vacated Kodachi's room. "Me don't much care fo' de dark!" A few moments passed, during which the Principal got no response. "Aloha? Anybody dere?" He sighed. "What me wouldn't give for a nice cold pina colada..."
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"And so they're on their way to see Happosai?" repeated Cologne, recapping the last part of the report. The dark cloud in front of her shifted slightly in response. "Good. Then they aren't even close to the truth." She hummed her satisfaction. "In that case, forget about the orders I gave you before. I want you to keep Ranma away from the restaurant today."
"Understood," said the cloud. It swirled around the kitchen once before flowing out through the cracks around the back door. A few wisps of black smoke hung in its wake even after it had gone.
Cologne waved her staff to disperse the last lingering traces of the cloud. "This could turn out to be very interesting," she said to herself. "Thanks to Kodachi's disappearance, they've forgotten all about son-in-law's strange behavior. If our luck holds out, they may not realize what's happening until it's too late to prevent it. And of course, the next kidnapping is a guaranteed success..." She chuckled. "Who would have ever believed that a simple book could be the key to winning son-in-law's heart?"
The door to the restaurant opened a crack. "Great-grandmother, is demon gone?" Shampoo asked timidly.
"Of course, dear," replied Cologne. Shampoo slipped into the room and closed the door firmly behind her. "What do you want?"
"Shampoo want make sure plan work. Want make sure Ranma will love Shampoo."
Cologne frowned. "I'm not sure that's wise just yet. We don't want to make anyone suspicious."
"Why you worry so much?" asked Shampoo. "You say Ranma not know about what we doing to him."
"He will rationalize all of his behavior internally," Cologne explained, "but those around him might realize that something is wrong, and if they do, they may come to us for answers." She shook her head. "No, I'm afraid that you had best stick to the plan as we agreed for the time being. We'll wait a bit longer before testing the waters."
"But-"
"No buts, Shampoo," Cologne interrupted, climbing to the top of her staff to pat Shampoo on the head. "Just have patience, child. Ranma will be yours soon enough."
Shampoo snarled inwardly as Cologne hopped out into the restaurant. "Have patience, she say. Shampoo already wait so long! What if book no work? Then what happen? Shampoo only want make sure before we waste any more time on useless plan!" She sighed and turned toward the kitchen door... then turned back to the string of fish sausages that had caught her eye on the way. "If nobody find out, then it okay, right?" Stifling the traditional nonchalant whistle, Shampoo grabbed the fish sausages and a bucket of cold water and slipped out the back door.
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Happosai eagerly turned another page. "Now that's the stuff!" he cheered, bouncing up and down in joy on the bed. "This book may very well be my ticket to true happiness. After all, who needs panties when I can have THIS?" He cackled gleefully as he pored over his new book.
His cackling died instantly, however, at the sound of voices in the stairwell. "Are you sure this is where the old freak is?" asked Ranma. "It looks way too high class."
"What is HE doing here?" Happosai grumbled. "I certainly can't let Ranma find this. Imagine what would happen if he were to get his hands on it..." He hopped off of the bed and shoved the book under the mattress. "You'll be safe there, my treasure."
The expected knock on the front door came shortly. Happosai was halfway to the door before he heard the accompanying shout. "Grandfather Happosai? Are you there?" He froze. That was Akane's voice! His eyes crossed the room to where his latest trophy dominated the display on his wall. The pink panties had required extensive sterilization after absorbing Ryoga's sweat to the saturation point, but they were still distinctively former denizens of Akane's underwear drawer. If Akane were to see them, she'd go on a rampage that not even the greatest secrets of Anything-Goes Martial Arts would be able to stop! Still, she didn't even know he was home...
Much louder banging interrupted his train of thought. "Open this door immediately, or I shall be forced to break it down!" shouted Kuno from outside.
"Calm down!" Akane urged him. "We're not here to make any accusations!"
"I will not be held back!" Kuno shouted. While the rhythmic pounding grew louder and louder as Kuno put his shoulder to work on the door, Happosai grabbed the panties from the wall and thrust them under the mattress with the book. He then raced to the door and opened it, causing Kuno to charge right through and fall to the floor.
"See, I told you to be patient," Akane admonished him.
"So nice of you to drop by," Happosai said sourly. "What brings you this far from home?"
Kuno was on his feet in an instant, his bokken leveled at Happosai's throat. "Return my sister to me at once, or –"
Happosai calmly grabbed the bokken and flipped Kuno into the wall. "Someone else explain. I'm not in the mood for games today."
"Kuno's sister's gone missing," explained Ranma.
Happosai snorted. "Bah. Never cared for her much anyway."
"We have to find her," Akane put in. "Whoever kidnapped her is trying to frame Ranma for it."
"Well, that narrows down the list of suspects to half of Tokyo," said Happosai. "Of course, I expect I'm on that list, if you've tracked me all the way out here."
"Bingo," said Ranma. "So, what do you know about it?"
"Not a thing," replied Happosai. "Now, would you mind picking up your brainless friend and leaving me alone? I didn't rent this apartment just to bring all the distractions from home with me."
"Then why DID you rent this apartment?" asked Akane, as Kuno groaned and started to stand up.
"The answer to your question, dear Akane, is clear to mine eyes," said Kuno. "The ancient one has something to hide from us. We must search from top to bottom, leaving no stone unturned!"
"You can't just barge into my apartment and start tearing the place apart!" protested Happosai.
"Then I wish merely to examine yon bed," said Kuno. "The mattress is out of place, suggesting that something incriminating be hidden within."
"You don't think I hid Kodachi Kuno under my mattress, do you?" asked Happosai, as sweat beaded on his forehead.
"Of course not," said Ranma, sliding toward the bed. "But something else went missing, and it would fit just perfectly under a mattress..."
Happosai sighed. "OK, fine. You caught me. There is something under the mattress that I didn't want you to see. But it's mine! It has nothing to do with Kodachi or any of you!"
"Pray let us be the judges of that," said Kuno.
Happosai shrugged. "All right. You asked for it." He reached under the mattress and pulled out the least incriminating of the two items he'd stashed there. "This book hasn't even hit the public market yet, and most likely never will. A friend of mine asked me to look it over before he tried publishing it. That's why I got this apartment in the first place; so I could do my reading in private."
"You read?" asked Ranma. "That's a surprise."
"Well, of course!" Happosai replied defensively. "It's important to stimulate the intellect as well as –"
"I would see this book," said Kuno, plucking it from Happosai's hands.
"But you can't -!" Happosai protested, as Kuno opened the book to a random page.
"Aha!" shouted Kuno, jabbing his finger into the page. "So this is what you planned to do to my –" His voice trailed off as he realized exactly what he was looking at. His face turned bright red, his eyes bulged out of his head, and his jaw dropped to his waist. "Gah... gah..."
"I tried to warn you," Happosai said, shaking his head sadly. "You young people just don't listen." He retrieved the book and wiped the drool stains off on his sleeve before returning it to its hiding place under his mattress.
"So let me get this straight," said Ranma. "You rented an apartment way out here so you could look at dirty pictures?"
Happosai nodded firmly. "Now, I hope you're satisfied. So, if you wouldn't mind -"
"Just a minute," Ranma interrupted. "We know you've been in Kodachi's room."
"What are you talking about this time?" asked Happosai.
"Kodachi's underwear drawer was empty," Ranma explained. "And since women's underwear always seems to end up in your grubby hands one way or another..."
Happosai shook his head. "Nope. As much as it pains me to think that so many prime pieces are unaccounted for, I don't know anything about them."
Before Ranma could respond, he was interrupted by Sasuke clearing his throat. "I know what happened to Mistress Kodachi's underclothes. Today is Mistress Kodachi's laundry day, so I took them to be washed early this morning." He scratched his chin. "In fact, I think they're finished now. I should probably attend to them."
"Why didn't you tell us that before?" Akane asked indignantly.
"You never mentioned the reason you wanted to see Master Happosai," Sasuke pointed out. "All you asked me to do was lead you here."
"So, if you're quite through..." Happosai said meaningfully.
"Yeah. I guess coming here was a waste of time." Ranma grabbed Kuno's wrist. "Come on, Kuno. Let's get the heck out of here."
Kuno leapt to life instantly. "Unhand me, demon! Thou'll not take me so easily as my sister!"
Ranma groaned. "For the last time, Kuno, it wasn't ME you saw last night!"
"Ha! Even the blackest cloud cannot hide your true aspect, Ranma Saotome!"
"What black cloud are you talkin' about, Kuno?" asked Ranma.
"The one that came to my sister's room this past eve and stole her from me!" Kuno replied as if it were obvious. "The one which took your very form to cover its escape! Yet I was not fooled for an instant by its disguise, for it was truly you, was it not?"
Happosai scratched his wrinkled chin. "A black cloud that took Ranma's form, eh?"
"Do you know something about it?" Akane asked hopefully.
Happosai glared at Ranma and Kuno. "If I tell you, will you leave me in peace?"
"Hey, I'm not exactly fond of bein' around you either," returned Ranma. "Spit it out already, old man!"
"Very well," said Happosai. "It all began in China, many long years ago..."
************************...
Ranma smacked Happosai on the head. "We ain't got time for a flashback!"
"Fine," Happosai said as he rubbed his head. "The short version it is, then.
"I happened one day to come upon a village with very few men, not far from the Joketsuzoku village where Cologne lived. I was drawn to the village by the allure of so many eligible ladies, but they urged me to leave, warning of a dangerous demon that took the form of a beautiful woman from the village only to lure men to their deaths, spiriting them away in a cloud of black mist. Naturally, being a martial artist, I volunteered to destroy the monster and save the villagers."
"The fact that they were all women had nothing to do with it?" asked Ranma.
"Nothing," affirmed Happosai. "So, I stayed in the village that night and waited for the demon to come. And come it did. The villagers had naturally understated the beauty of the human form the demon had chosen. When I laid eyes on it, I was overcome by its devastating looks, heaving bosom, and delightfully round hips, and very nearly succumbed to its spell. Fortunately, I managed to keep my wits about me, and after a very long and difficult battle, I sent it fleeing from the village, never to return."
"A long and difficult battle, my foot," Ranma interrupted. "More like you tried to feel her up, and she was repulsed by the incredible power of your perversion."
Happosai lowered his face and cleared his throat guiltily. "Shows how much you know."
"So you think that demon kidnapped Kodachi?" asked Akane.
"Not the same demon," Happosai corrected her. "But it sounds like the same type. Of course, I don't know much about it in any case. Cologne could probably tell you more."
"Cologne?" Akane repeated.
"She's the elder of a village not far from where I encountered the demon," explained Happosai. "It's possible that she's dealt with similar demons in the past, or the tribe's history includes some stories that might tell you something about it."
Akane shook her head, remembering her suspicions about Cologne. "I don't think we can trust Cologne," she said.
"Ah, what's the old ghoul got that I can't handle?" Ranma asked boastfully.
"I think she and Shampoo might be the ones making you act so –" Akane trailed off, unsure whether it would be a wise idea to bring up Ranma's strange behavior and risk offending him.
Ranma, however, contemplated her partial declaration carefully. "Right... Shampoo was acting weird yesterday too. I should probably stay away from her and Ryoga for a while." Before Akane could ask where Ryoga's name had come from, he continued: "So, who CAN we go to?"
Kuno scoffed. "If you truly wish to chase nonexistent demons, there is only one person I can fathom who might conspire with us in that endeavor: Hikaru Gosunkugi."
"Gosunkugi?" asked Ranma. "That creepy guy from school with the straw dolls?"
"Of course!" Akane cheered. "He's really into all that weird voodoo stuff!"
"Demons aren't voodoo," Ranma pointed out. "But I guess it can't hurt to ask."
"At the very least," added Akane, "he might be able to tell us something about that type of demon that might help us track it down."
"Then you truly think that Gosunkugi knows about the demon that kidnapped my sister?" Kuno asked eagerly.
"Well, it's a possibility..." Akane began.
"Then off with us!" shouted Kuno, striding out the door with his bokken held high. "We will wrest my sister from the clutches of the beast Gosunkugi!"
Ranma followed close behind. "Kuno, let me explain something to you about 'investigation...'"
Akane started to follow them, but turned to stare at something that had caught her eye. "Say... under the mattress... isn't that...?"
"What?" Happosai quickly shoved the panties back into hiding. "Just an old sheet I keep under there for emergencies. Nothing you'd need to worry about."
"What kind of emergen-" Akane paled. "Never mind! I don't want to know!" She ran for the door and slammed it behind her on her way out.
"Well, that's the last of them," Happosai said to himself once she was gone. "Nosy kids. I might as well just move back to the Tendo Dojo. Obviously there's no less privacy, and I don't have to pay rent!" He fished his book from under the mattress and opened it with shaking hands. "Console me, my beauties! Remind me of why life is worth living anymore!"
The sound of heavy breathing filled the room as Happosai flipped through the pages. He angrily slammed the book closed, reached over his shoulder to grab Sasuke by the shirt, and opened the window just enough to throw the ninja out before recovering the fallen tome. "Yep," he said decidedly. "Tomorrow, I'm going back to the dojo."
*************************************************
Nabiki did her best to turn as the dining room door slid open and Kasumi stepped through en route to the kitchen. "Hello, Nabiki," her older sister said with a smile. "Lunch isn't ready quite yet. I was just about to start preparing it."
Nabiki groaned. Of all the people to come to her rescue... "Kasumi, does anything seem odd to you? Is anything about this situation... a bit unusual?"
Kasumi scanned the room carefully. "Oh dear. Did I forget to put the placemats on the table?"
"I was referring to myself!" snapped Nabiki, doing her best to rein in her temper despite the blood rushing to her head. "Specifically, the fact that I've been tied up and hung upside down from the ceiling!"
"Oh, you're right," agreed Kasumi. "That does seem rather odd, now that you mention it. I saw Tatewaki Kuno tied up in the backyard earlier this morning, so I thought perhaps it was the latest fad." She smiled and chuckled. "But that would be a rather silly fad, wouldn't it?"
Nabiki sighed. "Okay, having established that I'm NOT dangling here in the interest of modern fashion, do you think you could lend me a hand?"
"Oh, certainly." Kasumi walked around Nabiki, examining the cocoon of ropes that bound her. "These ropes do look good on you, Nabiki. They really bring out your figure well. Have you considered –"
"KASUMI!"
Kasumi blushed. "Sorry. Let me just get a knife from the kitchen to cut you down."
"Thank you," Nabiki whispered mostly to herself as Kasumi vanished into the kitchen.
The elder sister returned seconds later wielding a large carving knife. "Now, let's see here..." She climbed onto the table and began to saw at the ropes. "My, this is a strong rope! Where did you get it?"
"It's Mousse's," replied Nabiki. "He turned out to be a better bargainer than I expected."
"You mean Mousse tied you up like this?" asked Kasumi. "Why didn't you call for help?"
"The day I call for help will be the day I die," Nabiki said darkly.
"I'm not sure that's the case," countered Kasumi. "After all, if you were dead, you'd hardly be in a position to call for help."
"You know what I meant," Nabiki said, letting her exasperation show. "It's kind of embarrassing..." She trailed off as she felt herself begin to sway discomfortingly. She tried to look toward her feet, but couldn't quite bend in the necessary way. "Kasumi, which rope are you cutting –"
The rope holding Nabiki's feet to the ceiling snapped as Kasumi sliced the last threads, dumping Nabiki onto the table. She landed on her head, the rest of her body swinging down to hit the floor in short order. "Oops," said Kasumi apologetically. "I should probably have cut that part last, shouldn't I?"
Nabiki groaned in pain and rolled over onto her back. "Never mind, Kasumi. Just finish cutting these ropes, will you?"
"Right!" For once, Kasumi set to the important task without dithering further.
"I WILL make you pay for this humiliation, Mousse," Nabiki swore under her breath as her bonds loosened. "Just you wait."
*************************************************
"Do we have to go over this again, Kuno?" Ranma asked impatiently as the trio exited the subway station. "One more time: Why do you think we're going to Gosunkugi's house?"
"We seek the advice of Gosunkugi pursuant to the whereabouts of my sister," Kuno repeated dutifully. "But he himself lacks the knowledge of where she is, or who has taken her."
"That's right," affirmed Akane.
"Yet we believe that his aid will lead us to her?"
"Right again!" cheered Akane.
"Then we go not to accuse him of kidnapping, but to gain" – he struggled for a few seconds – "useful information that may hasten our search."
"Finally," sighed Ranma. To himself, he mumbled, "The entire trip, just to drill it into Kuno's head that Gosunkugi isn't the kidnapper! What a moron!" At that moment, something on the edge of his awareness tugged at his senses, but the feeling was too vague for him to put a name to it until he felt something land on his shoulders, and a heavy smell of fish rose to his nostrils. A necklace of fish...
Ranma screamed and backed up against a wall as a swarm of cats darted out of an alley to surround him, clawing at his legs and even climbing on top of each other in an attempt to get at the delicious treats that he was wearing. "Shoo! Get away, stupid c-c-c-caaaaa..."
"Ranma, what are you –" Akane began before turning to
see Ranma's predicament. "Oh no! Hang on, Ranma! Don't move!"
"Are you kidding? Where would I go?"
Kuno hummed thoughtfully. "If memory serves me correctly, Saotome has quite a fear of cats, does he not?"
"We have to get rid of them!" shouted Akane. "If Ranma gets too scared, he'll go crazy!"
Meanwhile, Ranma was breathing heavily, not taking his eyes off of the mass of fur at his feet. "I've gotta calm down. They're just c-c-cats. Little fluffballs with claws... and teeth..." He swallowed. "They're little. They're too tiny to be dangerous. Why should I be afraid of them?"
Akane began to wade into the clump of cats, but Ranma held up a hand to warn her off. "It's okay, Akane," he said. "I can deal with this. They're after the fish, not me." He calmly reached up and lifted the necklace over his head, then casually tossed it into the next block. The cats immediately chased after it, except for a single tabby that lingered behind, entranced by the smell of fish that still clung to Ranma's neck. He picked the cat up off the ground and scratched it behind the ears. "See? You're not scary, are you? You were just hungry." The cat licked his neck, and a shudder ran down Ranma's spine, causing him to quickly drop the animal and back away. "Then again, maybe we'd better go, eh, Akane?"
Akane nodded, too shocked to do anything else. She waited until Ranma had walked past before grabbing Kuno's sleeve. "Did you see that?" she whispered.
"It would appear that Saotome has overcome yet another weakness," assessed Kuno.
"Yeah," agreed Akane. "Now I'M the one who's afraid."
"Of cats?" asked Kuno, as confused as ever.
"No, of what's happening to Ranma." Akane's voice took on an odd chill as she explained. "Mr. Saotome once said that Ranma can never get over his fear of cats. But if he's conquered that fear..."
"Hey, what's taking you guys so long?" Ranma called back as if nothing had happened.
"Oh, Ranma..." whispered Akane worriedly. "What's wrong with you?"
Shampoo purred contentedly to herself as she watched from the rooftops. It seemed that her great-grandmother's plan would work after all. Satisfied, she turned around and headed back toward the Cat Café. Had she lingered just a few seconds longer, though, she would have noticed the dark figure trailing the group below as they made their way to Gosunkugi's house; and had she then watched it long enough to wonder what its business was, she would have seen the even darker figure that was following it.
