Author's Note: We're sorry it took so long to post this up. Ok, so not
really, but we promise that it won't take as long to post the next chapter.
We're already half done. Aren't you so proud of us?? The people who
reviewed fucking kick ass. And the people who didn't, are DEAD. And if they
aren't, they suck ass. So HAH.
And yet again, we offer mini hobbit plushies if you can find any grammatical, spelling, or formatting errors. And we're hoping that you don't because we kind of want to keep them all. *evil grin*
Disclaimer: We might not own the rest of Middle-earth, but we do own the hobbits! *lab coated psychiatrists begin advancing, brandishing straight jackets* WE DO OWN THEM! WE DO!! WE DOOOOOOOOO!! *is carted off to the psych ward*
The rabid fangirls were stunned to find that their lust objects had disappeared.
"Where the crap could they be?" Aye demanded.
"I have no fucking clue!" The fangirls looked about them, but there were no cute hobbits in sight.
"We should go look for them," said Twitch. Aye agreed, and they ran off, but were soon distracted by something almost as interesting as hobbits.
"Dude!! Check out the fireworks!" Before the crazy fangirls were a large stack of fireworks.
"Let's grab some!" They took a couple of fireworks each and ran off to the field where Bilbo was giving his birthday speech.
".I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
"Er.right. He doesn't know us at all! What's he talking about?" Aye whispered loudly. Twitch shrugged.
"This is the boring part. Let's go set off these fireworks. Or set some shit on fire."
"Right." The two crept off to do untold horrors to the peaceful countryside, but not until they had stolen numerous jugs of wine and beer.
The fangirls were skipping off when Twitch tripped and fell flat on her face.
"HAHA!! You loser!" Aye snickered. Twitch let off a volley of curses, many of which that were not known by the general public. Then she jumped up and thwacked Aye violently.
"GAH!! Stop!! Ow!!!!" Aye yelped, and fell over in the exact same spot Twitch had landed a moment before. "OW!! SHIT!! STUPID FREAKING GROUND!!" shouted Aye, kicking it with malice.
"Ughhhh..." the ground moaned.
"HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!! TALKING EARTH!!" screamed Twitch, jumping back a few feet. It was then the "talking earth" raised its head. It was a hobbit, Frodo Baggins to be exact. It looked as if he were crying. "OOOOOHHH!!" shrieked Twitch fangirlishly, "FROOOODOOOO!!"
"Uh, er, oh holy crap," stammered Aye, "it's a CRYING PERSON!! GAH!!" She ran and hid behind the nearest rock, a pebble that stuck about two inches out of the ground.
"Crying?" said Twitch, oblivious in her typical Twitch-fashion. Frodo let out a sob. Twitch grinned evilly. "Why ya crying?"
"E-eve-everyone's f-forgotten m-m-my BIRTHDAY!" wailed Frodo piteously.
"Aw, poor BABY!" Twitch said, patting his curly head. All of a sudden, the fangirl heard the sounds of a scuffle, and a large metal object being banged over someone's head. Wielding his frying pan, Sam Gamgee jumped into the clearing.
"Unhand Mr. Frodo you...you...FANGIRL!!" he yelled.
"F-fangirl?" stuttered Frodo, getting to his feet. Twitch grinned.
"Oh no, not again..." said the adorable hobbit. Twitch began advancing on him, going in for the kill. Or rather, a glomp.
"RUN MR. FRODO!" shouted Sam, "I'll try to keep her off! Save yourself!" Twitch turned to glare at Sam, just in time to receive a frying pan to the nose.
A few minutes later...
Aye awoke from the semi coma she had been put in by Sam's frying pan. She looked around and noticed that Twitch was unconscious on the ground. Searching her ever present blue sweater, she produced the item she was looking for, a black Sharpie.
And another few minutes later...
Sputtering, Twitch awoke to a jug of beer being emptied over her head.
"Hobbit? Where...hobbit?" she asked dazedly.
"Er...right..." muttered Aye, snickering behind her hand at her masterpiece; Twitch's face was covered with the words, 'Wanker, wanker, wanker, I made it out of clay, wanker, wanker, wanker, now wanker I shall say!! Doo doo doo...'
"No hobbits?" asked Twitch sadly.
"Er, no, now lets go set off some FIRECRACKERS!!" Both fangirls smirked and ran off.
They soon came to an expansive clearing where sheep were grazing.
"Dude, they have SHEEP in Middle Earth?" Aye asked incredulously, dropping the fireworks.
"Of course!!" Twitch cackled gleefully, brandishing the dog-eared copy of The Fellowship of the Ring. Aye began to get slightly scared. She edged away from the gleeful Twitch and looked in her pockets for some matches.
"Dammit, where'd my matches go?" Twitch smirked and produced a match out of nowhere. She struck it and lit a random firework.
"Is that thing supposed to be like that?" Aye indicated the lit explosive which was lying on its side and looking rather dangerous. "Isn't it supposed to be going up? Like what Merry and Pippin said in the movie?"
"Oh SHIT, you're right!"
"HOLY FREAKING PIECES OF CRAPPING SHIT!!" The firecracker zoomed off sideways, heading straight for a pair of old, senile sheep.
"FUCK!!" Twitch screamed. It smashed through a sheep, catapulting it into the air. The other sheep baaed in terror and fled, along with its fellow tasty dark meats. The piteous creature that had been hit by the firework fell back to the ground with a nice THUNK just as the firework smashed into the hillside and exploded.
"PRETTY SPARKLY CRAP!!" Aye screamed as sparks showered down. Flickers of fire started appearing on the grass.
"Oh holy crap, what the crap did you do?!"
"ME??" Aye screeched back in reply. "It was YOUR fault, WANKER!!"
"No it wasn't!"
"Yes it was!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
By now the fangirls were surrounded by flames.
"Crap," Twitch muttered, "what do we do now?"
"BONFIRE!!" yelled Aye in delight. "ROAST MUTTON! BWAHAHAHAHHAA!!" She started dancing in glee.
Meanwhile...
Bilbo Baggins opened the door to Bag End and laughed delightedly as he slid the ring off his finger. Gandalf appeared behind him, looking irritated. His Pointy Hat Trick didn't go as well as he had thought it would with the hobbits.
"Bilbo, where is the ring?"
"It's here in my pocket! No, I lied! On the mantelpiece! I mean, er, um, THERE!" Gandalf glared at Bilbo. Flustered, Bilbo started gathering his things.
"It's mine; it is," He muttered, "It came to me, my own. My shiny." He picked up his pack and shouldered it. Gandalf looked disturbed. Bilbo was acting...Gollummy.
"Bilbo, leave the ring to Frodo."
"No! I shall call it Shiny, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my Shiny." Bilbo took the ring and cuddled it. 'Twas his lust object, it was.
"Bilbo, leave it. Now." Gandalf went into scary Galadriel mode. Bilbo screamed and lost his head completely.
"GGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! SCARY OLD PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER TRYING TOOOOOOO RRRRRRAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEEE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
"I AM NOT TRYING TO RAPE YOU; I'm trying to help you." Gandalf returned to his normal color. Bilbo stopped acting like a frightened rabbit.
"Yes, you're right, Gandalf. The shin- I mean, ring must go to Frodo." He turned and sighed, and placed the ring on the table, and since there can't be ominous thuds on tables, a flash of lighting and thunder boomed through the house. Then he turned and left.
Later, at the Green Dragon...
"HEY HO TO THE BOTTLE I GO TO HEAL MY HEART AND DROWN MY WOE! RAIN MAY FALL AND WIND MAY BLOW, BUT THERE STILL BE MANY MILES TO GO! SWEET IS THE SOUND OF THE POURING RAIN AND THE STREAM THAT FALLS FROM HILL TO PLAIN! BETTER THAN RAIN OR RIPPLING BROOK IS A MUG OF BEER INSIDE THIS TOOK!" The hobbits cheered as Merry and Pippin bowed and almost fell off the table. Frodo passed drinks all around.
"Cheers, Gaffer! You won't believe what me and Sam found today. Tell 'em Sam!" Frodo slid a mug of beer towards the Gaffer and sat down.
"Well, we found the missing jugs of beer from last night in that old sheep field down by Bag End. There were scorch marks everywhere, and we found quite a lot of Gandalf's fireworks."
"BAH, that's not so interesting. It was probably Merry and Pippin again." The Gaffer swallowed a substantial amount of beer.
"But that's not the best part. We found Big People down there, we did." said Sam.
"Oh ho! Big People, eh? What are they doing in these parts?" Odo Proudfoot scowled at Frodo and Sam like it was their fault.
"There's been trouble all around. There's news from Bree, some fellows are claiming that war's brewing. Goblins all amuck in the mountains to the south." The Gaffer said.
There was a loud bang. It appeared that Merry and Pippin had too much to drink and had attempted to climb back up onto the table to give the hobbits another round. Rosie Cotton appeared with a bucket of cold water and splashed it over the two hobbits.
"That should help them," she said sweetly. It did, for Pippin shrieked and sat up, and Merry yelled out a long string of curses. They both looked around at Rosie indignantly. Frodo turned back to his drink, smiling.
Sometime later...
Frodo and Sam meandered back down to Bag End, where they took leave of each other. Frodo had just opened the door when Gandalf appeared, scaring the crap out of him.
"G-G-Gandalf! What are you doing here?" Frodo squeaked, edging away cautiously. Gandalf had a reputation among the younger hobbits as...well, something not very nice.
"Where is the ring Frodo? Where is it?!" Gandalf half screamed. Frodo looked startled and hastened to find it. Minutes passed in which Gandalf got a very nice view of Frodo's ass.
"Here it is, Gandalf!" Frodo said cheerily.
"Throw it into the fire!" Gandalf commanded.
"What?" Gandalf snorted impatiently and took the ring and threw it into the flames. Seconds later, he stooped and seized it with a pair of tongs.
"Tell me, do you see anything?"
"I see...SCARY RED THINGS!! GAAAAAAAHHHH!!" Frodo screamed and dropped the ring. Gandalf shook his head.
"They won't hurt you, Frodo. They are letters, elvish letters," The old man sighed and creaked slowly into a chair. "Oof, goddamn rheumatism."
"What does it say?" Frodo peered carefully at it. Gandalf muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "History of Middle Earth, Lesson 1.1, The Forging of the Twenty Rings."
A sudden crash was heard outside. Frodo and Gandalf's heads snapped to the window, where Sam the gardener was being assaulted by Twitch.
"DO," whack "NOT," whack "TOUCH," whack "MY," whack "FRODO!" Twitch whacked Sam a final time to emphasize her point.
"I don't think he can hear you, Twitch. He looks.dead." Aye bent over and prodded Sam. "Nah, just unconscious."
"Really? Damn! Maybe there'll be some severe brain damage...?" Frodo looked vaguely frightened. Gandalf peered out the window, just in time to receive a mouthful of Twitch ass, as Aye had pushed her in.
"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST!" she screamed gleefully. "Can I come in yet?" She peered in. Frodo looked shocked and hastened to open front door.
Aye ran in and poked Twitch. Twitch jumped up with a snarl. Gandalf got up and groaned like the old man he was. Frodo edged away from all three of them.
Then Twitch noticed the ring in Frodo's hand. "SHINY!!" she squealed. Then she noticed Frodo. "FROOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed and glomped him.
Aye looked on jealously. Twitch would kill her if she tried anything. Sam came to outside the window.
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam groaned. His eyes crossed and he fell over.
And...CUT!! That's all for today, folks. *hands out hobbit key chains to the awesome people who reviewed* So...REVIEW! REVIEW!! REVIEW!!!
And yet again, we offer mini hobbit plushies if you can find any grammatical, spelling, or formatting errors. And we're hoping that you don't because we kind of want to keep them all. *evil grin*
Disclaimer: We might not own the rest of Middle-earth, but we do own the hobbits! *lab coated psychiatrists begin advancing, brandishing straight jackets* WE DO OWN THEM! WE DO!! WE DOOOOOOOOO!! *is carted off to the psych ward*
The rabid fangirls were stunned to find that their lust objects had disappeared.
"Where the crap could they be?" Aye demanded.
"I have no fucking clue!" The fangirls looked about them, but there were no cute hobbits in sight.
"We should go look for them," said Twitch. Aye agreed, and they ran off, but were soon distracted by something almost as interesting as hobbits.
"Dude!! Check out the fireworks!" Before the crazy fangirls were a large stack of fireworks.
"Let's grab some!" They took a couple of fireworks each and ran off to the field where Bilbo was giving his birthday speech.
".I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
"Er.right. He doesn't know us at all! What's he talking about?" Aye whispered loudly. Twitch shrugged.
"This is the boring part. Let's go set off these fireworks. Or set some shit on fire."
"Right." The two crept off to do untold horrors to the peaceful countryside, but not until they had stolen numerous jugs of wine and beer.
The fangirls were skipping off when Twitch tripped and fell flat on her face.
"HAHA!! You loser!" Aye snickered. Twitch let off a volley of curses, many of which that were not known by the general public. Then she jumped up and thwacked Aye violently.
"GAH!! Stop!! Ow!!!!" Aye yelped, and fell over in the exact same spot Twitch had landed a moment before. "OW!! SHIT!! STUPID FREAKING GROUND!!" shouted Aye, kicking it with malice.
"Ughhhh..." the ground moaned.
"HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!! TALKING EARTH!!" screamed Twitch, jumping back a few feet. It was then the "talking earth" raised its head. It was a hobbit, Frodo Baggins to be exact. It looked as if he were crying. "OOOOOHHH!!" shrieked Twitch fangirlishly, "FROOOODOOOO!!"
"Uh, er, oh holy crap," stammered Aye, "it's a CRYING PERSON!! GAH!!" She ran and hid behind the nearest rock, a pebble that stuck about two inches out of the ground.
"Crying?" said Twitch, oblivious in her typical Twitch-fashion. Frodo let out a sob. Twitch grinned evilly. "Why ya crying?"
"E-eve-everyone's f-forgotten m-m-my BIRTHDAY!" wailed Frodo piteously.
"Aw, poor BABY!" Twitch said, patting his curly head. All of a sudden, the fangirl heard the sounds of a scuffle, and a large metal object being banged over someone's head. Wielding his frying pan, Sam Gamgee jumped into the clearing.
"Unhand Mr. Frodo you...you...FANGIRL!!" he yelled.
"F-fangirl?" stuttered Frodo, getting to his feet. Twitch grinned.
"Oh no, not again..." said the adorable hobbit. Twitch began advancing on him, going in for the kill. Or rather, a glomp.
"RUN MR. FRODO!" shouted Sam, "I'll try to keep her off! Save yourself!" Twitch turned to glare at Sam, just in time to receive a frying pan to the nose.
A few minutes later...
Aye awoke from the semi coma she had been put in by Sam's frying pan. She looked around and noticed that Twitch was unconscious on the ground. Searching her ever present blue sweater, she produced the item she was looking for, a black Sharpie.
And another few minutes later...
Sputtering, Twitch awoke to a jug of beer being emptied over her head.
"Hobbit? Where...hobbit?" she asked dazedly.
"Er...right..." muttered Aye, snickering behind her hand at her masterpiece; Twitch's face was covered with the words, 'Wanker, wanker, wanker, I made it out of clay, wanker, wanker, wanker, now wanker I shall say!! Doo doo doo...'
"No hobbits?" asked Twitch sadly.
"Er, no, now lets go set off some FIRECRACKERS!!" Both fangirls smirked and ran off.
They soon came to an expansive clearing where sheep were grazing.
"Dude, they have SHEEP in Middle Earth?" Aye asked incredulously, dropping the fireworks.
"Of course!!" Twitch cackled gleefully, brandishing the dog-eared copy of The Fellowship of the Ring. Aye began to get slightly scared. She edged away from the gleeful Twitch and looked in her pockets for some matches.
"Dammit, where'd my matches go?" Twitch smirked and produced a match out of nowhere. She struck it and lit a random firework.
"Is that thing supposed to be like that?" Aye indicated the lit explosive which was lying on its side and looking rather dangerous. "Isn't it supposed to be going up? Like what Merry and Pippin said in the movie?"
"Oh SHIT, you're right!"
"HOLY FREAKING PIECES OF CRAPPING SHIT!!" The firecracker zoomed off sideways, heading straight for a pair of old, senile sheep.
"FUCK!!" Twitch screamed. It smashed through a sheep, catapulting it into the air. The other sheep baaed in terror and fled, along with its fellow tasty dark meats. The piteous creature that had been hit by the firework fell back to the ground with a nice THUNK just as the firework smashed into the hillside and exploded.
"PRETTY SPARKLY CRAP!!" Aye screamed as sparks showered down. Flickers of fire started appearing on the grass.
"Oh holy crap, what the crap did you do?!"
"ME??" Aye screeched back in reply. "It was YOUR fault, WANKER!!"
"No it wasn't!"
"Yes it was!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
By now the fangirls were surrounded by flames.
"Crap," Twitch muttered, "what do we do now?"
"BONFIRE!!" yelled Aye in delight. "ROAST MUTTON! BWAHAHAHAHHAA!!" She started dancing in glee.
Meanwhile...
Bilbo Baggins opened the door to Bag End and laughed delightedly as he slid the ring off his finger. Gandalf appeared behind him, looking irritated. His Pointy Hat Trick didn't go as well as he had thought it would with the hobbits.
"Bilbo, where is the ring?"
"It's here in my pocket! No, I lied! On the mantelpiece! I mean, er, um, THERE!" Gandalf glared at Bilbo. Flustered, Bilbo started gathering his things.
"It's mine; it is," He muttered, "It came to me, my own. My shiny." He picked up his pack and shouldered it. Gandalf looked disturbed. Bilbo was acting...Gollummy.
"Bilbo, leave the ring to Frodo."
"No! I shall call it Shiny, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my Shiny." Bilbo took the ring and cuddled it. 'Twas his lust object, it was.
"Bilbo, leave it. Now." Gandalf went into scary Galadriel mode. Bilbo screamed and lost his head completely.
"GGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! SCARY OLD PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER TRYING TOOOOOOO RRRRRRAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEEE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
"I AM NOT TRYING TO RAPE YOU; I'm trying to help you." Gandalf returned to his normal color. Bilbo stopped acting like a frightened rabbit.
"Yes, you're right, Gandalf. The shin- I mean, ring must go to Frodo." He turned and sighed, and placed the ring on the table, and since there can't be ominous thuds on tables, a flash of lighting and thunder boomed through the house. Then he turned and left.
Later, at the Green Dragon...
"HEY HO TO THE BOTTLE I GO TO HEAL MY HEART AND DROWN MY WOE! RAIN MAY FALL AND WIND MAY BLOW, BUT THERE STILL BE MANY MILES TO GO! SWEET IS THE SOUND OF THE POURING RAIN AND THE STREAM THAT FALLS FROM HILL TO PLAIN! BETTER THAN RAIN OR RIPPLING BROOK IS A MUG OF BEER INSIDE THIS TOOK!" The hobbits cheered as Merry and Pippin bowed and almost fell off the table. Frodo passed drinks all around.
"Cheers, Gaffer! You won't believe what me and Sam found today. Tell 'em Sam!" Frodo slid a mug of beer towards the Gaffer and sat down.
"Well, we found the missing jugs of beer from last night in that old sheep field down by Bag End. There were scorch marks everywhere, and we found quite a lot of Gandalf's fireworks."
"BAH, that's not so interesting. It was probably Merry and Pippin again." The Gaffer swallowed a substantial amount of beer.
"But that's not the best part. We found Big People down there, we did." said Sam.
"Oh ho! Big People, eh? What are they doing in these parts?" Odo Proudfoot scowled at Frodo and Sam like it was their fault.
"There's been trouble all around. There's news from Bree, some fellows are claiming that war's brewing. Goblins all amuck in the mountains to the south." The Gaffer said.
There was a loud bang. It appeared that Merry and Pippin had too much to drink and had attempted to climb back up onto the table to give the hobbits another round. Rosie Cotton appeared with a bucket of cold water and splashed it over the two hobbits.
"That should help them," she said sweetly. It did, for Pippin shrieked and sat up, and Merry yelled out a long string of curses. They both looked around at Rosie indignantly. Frodo turned back to his drink, smiling.
Sometime later...
Frodo and Sam meandered back down to Bag End, where they took leave of each other. Frodo had just opened the door when Gandalf appeared, scaring the crap out of him.
"G-G-Gandalf! What are you doing here?" Frodo squeaked, edging away cautiously. Gandalf had a reputation among the younger hobbits as...well, something not very nice.
"Where is the ring Frodo? Where is it?!" Gandalf half screamed. Frodo looked startled and hastened to find it. Minutes passed in which Gandalf got a very nice view of Frodo's ass.
"Here it is, Gandalf!" Frodo said cheerily.
"Throw it into the fire!" Gandalf commanded.
"What?" Gandalf snorted impatiently and took the ring and threw it into the flames. Seconds later, he stooped and seized it with a pair of tongs.
"Tell me, do you see anything?"
"I see...SCARY RED THINGS!! GAAAAAAAHHHH!!" Frodo screamed and dropped the ring. Gandalf shook his head.
"They won't hurt you, Frodo. They are letters, elvish letters," The old man sighed and creaked slowly into a chair. "Oof, goddamn rheumatism."
"What does it say?" Frodo peered carefully at it. Gandalf muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "History of Middle Earth, Lesson 1.1, The Forging of the Twenty Rings."
A sudden crash was heard outside. Frodo and Gandalf's heads snapped to the window, where Sam the gardener was being assaulted by Twitch.
"DO," whack "NOT," whack "TOUCH," whack "MY," whack "FRODO!" Twitch whacked Sam a final time to emphasize her point.
"I don't think he can hear you, Twitch. He looks.dead." Aye bent over and prodded Sam. "Nah, just unconscious."
"Really? Damn! Maybe there'll be some severe brain damage...?" Frodo looked vaguely frightened. Gandalf peered out the window, just in time to receive a mouthful of Twitch ass, as Aye had pushed her in.
"DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST!" she screamed gleefully. "Can I come in yet?" She peered in. Frodo looked shocked and hastened to open front door.
Aye ran in and poked Twitch. Twitch jumped up with a snarl. Gandalf got up and groaned like the old man he was. Frodo edged away from all three of them.
Then Twitch noticed the ring in Frodo's hand. "SHINY!!" she squealed. Then she noticed Frodo. "FROOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed and glomped him.
Aye looked on jealously. Twitch would kill her if she tried anything. Sam came to outside the window.
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam groaned. His eyes crossed and he fell over.
And...CUT!! That's all for today, folks. *hands out hobbit key chains to the awesome people who reviewed* So...REVIEW! REVIEW!! REVIEW!!!
