Author's Note: The original was 10 pages so we decided to chop it in half with a chainsaw and split it up into 2 different chapters, which means...*drums*...WE'RE DONE WITH CHAPTER 4!! *is anticlimactic* Oh, well, yeah. We'll be posting it up in about a week, unless My computer crashes and the world blows up. In which we're pretty much screwed. -Aye

Disclaimer: *sigh* *mumbles* wedon'townanythingsomeh.

To Our Reviewers: You guys inspire us soooo much! All you people kick arse, and sorry we can't reply to everyone, but THANKS TIMES A MILLION!! *hands out hobbit mousepads*

MUSHROOMS: Wow, you're multilingual! *grin* Haha, that's the people's general reaction to us.

Spinning Grave Tolkien: Trust us, we DON'T live among civilized people. *evil grin*

Megan D: Yes, they ARE gay. Very.

Brinan: YAY!! You have to review this chapter too you know...

no: 1) We love LOTR. 2) We love LOTR. 3) We love LOTR. 4) We don't understand how you can not love LOTR. 5) We conclude that you are nuts.

Me: Dude, you rock. That's the nicest review we've ever gotten!! You made us really really happy!! *gives you special hobbit bookend*

Stalker mike: You're coming up. Don't worry. But we're not letting you get anywhere near Galadriel. *jibbly*

AND TO OUR BETA FEESH, MERRY!! She is freaking awesome. Everyone must wish her luck at her competition!!

-Aye

"Mr. Frodo?" Sam groaned. His eyes crossed and he fell over.

"Er..." Aye looked out the window. "Sam? You dead yet?" Frodo squeaked and attempted to untangle himself from the adoring Twitch.

"I must go! Good-bye!" Gandalf cried out, suddenly afraid for his life. He fled out of Bag End, leaving his cloak and scary pointy hat behind.

"Wanker," muttered Aye. Twitch was much too busy hanging on to her dear Frodo to notice. Aye decided to help Frodo, and cheerfully whacked Twitch over the head. Twitch yelled and turned to glare at Aye.

"WHAT!"

"You're suffocating him," Aye pointed out.

"Ah," Twitch let go of Frodo, who spazzed out and zoomed through the door, locking it behind him. Twitch turned to Aye and grinned evilly. "You know what, Aye? I think we scared him!" Cackling, the fangirls climbed through the window, only to find that Sam had come around again.

"Misshha Froodooo? Zat chooo?" mumbled Sam. "Eye sheem to bee upshiide dooown." Aye smirked and whipped out her awesome Sharpie. She scribbled an evil smiley face on the poor hobbit's head, and cart wheeled down the hill. Twitch blinked and after a moments thought, produced a lollipop. She stuck it into Sam's mouth, patted him on the head, and whizzed away.

Maybe a day or two later...

There was a rather large crowd of hobbits gathered around Bag End, all waiting to collect their parting gifts from the vanished Bilbo. Among them were Lobelia Sackville-Burke and her son, Lotho.

Lobelia came sprinting through the door, screaming, "SPOONS!! HE OWES ME SPOONS!!" referring to Bilbo. She smashed into Frodo, who screamed and propelled himself away, just in case she had something else in mind. Lotho suddenly appeared behind him, looking the scary child molester he was. Frodo screamed again and shot out from between them.

"My spoons! I want them!" Lobelia brandished her umbrella at Frodo, who edged away from her.

"Er, yes," Frodo stammered, afraid they would attempt to gang rape him. "Here, take these," He thrust a random box of silver spoons towards Lobelia. Mollified, she turned to Lotho.

"Let us go, Lotho dearie," They sauntered back to the door. Then Lobelia turned to look at Frodo, who was sweating in panic. "And what about that cute little hobbit? Pippin, was it? Is he still around?" Frodo gulped and nodded, backing up against a cabinet. Merry suddenly came in, to the great relief of the terrified Frodo, who stuttered out his excuses and ran away.

"PIPPIN!" Lobelia shrieked, and ran full force towards Merry. Merry yelled in fright and attempted to flee, but was immediately glomped and held in a death grip.

"IIIIIII'MMMMM NNNNNOTTTTT PPPPPPPPPPPIIIPPPPPPPP!! GGGAAAAHH!!" he screamed. And right on cue, Pippin entered the room, looking suspiciously flushed and mussed up. Lobelia abruptly let go of Merry, who fell to the floor in relief.

"THERE YOU ARE!" Lobelia squealed, running towards the confused hobbit. Sam appeared unexpectedly behind Pippin, looking even more suspiciously flushed and mussed up, stopping Lobelia in mid-glomp. Merry turned white and started stammering.

"P-P-Pip-p-pin! W-why, wh-what, um, er, EH?" Pippin turned scarlet and broke down into tears.

"Merry, I'm SORRY!!" he sobbed, "I LOVE YOU! HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME! NOTHING!! I SWEAR!!" At this, Sam looked shocked and hurt.

"But Pippin! You said you'd love me forever!" Sam said.

"NO I DIDN'T!!" Pippin bawled. He barreled through the stunned Lobelia and almost tackled Merry, who was still stammering incoherently. "Merry, I love you! Eventhoughyou'remycousinandnotnearlyashotastheguynextdoor, I STILL LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!" Pippin wailed madly into Merry's shoulder.

Lobelia and Lotho decided to make a speedy exit while they still could. They fled out the front door, glad to not have such family issues. Sam disappeared, just in case Merry decided to bash his head in for touching his precious Pippin.

Pippin continued blubbering on a white-faced Merry. "Merry, forgive me!! I won't do it again! I didn't mean for anything to happen! I was just kidding!! MERRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" Merry carefully unwrapped Pippin's arms from around him, and pushed the howling hobbit away. The howling hobbit immediately latched back onto Merry, howling worse than ever.

It was just about then that the rabid fangirls decided to turn up. Aye took one look at the tearful (and snotful!) Pippin and ran away screaming. Twitch, attempting to antagonize Aye, grabbed the wailing Pip and gave chase yelling, "COME BAAACK AYE! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOOOOU!!"

"GGGAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAH!!" Aye started to run with her hands over her eyes, but as she was not gifted with magic sight, or any sight for that matter, and she stumbled over a tree root and smashed her nose.

Merry dashed out the door after the fangirls, screeching at the top of his lungs, "NOOOOOO!!! Bring him BAAAACKKKK!!" He tackled Twitch's ankles, effectively tripping her, and unfortunately causing her to squoosh Pippin.

"Whoops," she muttered, getting to her feet, "Knew I should've started that diet..."

Merry took one look at his flattened lover and began screaming, pummeling Twitch with rather painless, pint-sized blows. "YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED MY DARLING PIP!! You horrible... awful..." He choked and broke into sobs, falling to his knees beside Pippin.

Aye, hearing her lust object screaming in misery, cautiously returned, fearing the worst. She gawked at Pippin and squeaked, "GAH!! What'd you DO??"

"ME?? NOTHING! He knocked me down! HIS FAULT!! HIS!!" screeched Twitch, pointing at the mournful hobbit at her feet.

"GAH!! CRYING PERSON!! RUN AWAAAYYYY!!" Aye dashed away, waving her arms around in panic. Merry began trying to revive Pippin with mouth to mouth. Twitch jumped back in shock, and slunk away, rather mentally scarred.

Later that night...

After a heated argument with Ted Sandyman about whether Merry and Pippin really were sleeping together, Sam was drunkenly stumbling back to Bagshot Row, where he overheard raised voices.

"NO! They're still around! I know they are, just waiting for the right moment to strike!" It was his beloved Mr. Frodo, being paranoid again. "I can see them watching me from the trees." The last statement was uttered in a whisper, which was rather useless, as Sam could hear him quite well.

"The fangirls are gone, Frodo, so stop being paranoid," said an old man, probably Gandalf. Sam looked aghast. What if Gandalf was trying to rape Mr. Frodo?? He decided to hide under the window and grabbed a gardening tool, just in case.

"Well, Frodo," Gandalf said rather tiredly, "I merely came back to collect my cloak and pointy hat," The last two words sounded rather...suggestive. Sam edged closer to the window, ready to bash someone's head in. "I was also supposed to tell you something. I'm sure it was very important... Blast it, my memory isn't as good as it used to be!"

"D-does it have a-a-anything to do with the sc-scary r-r-red worms on my ring?" stammered Frodo.

"Er, no...wait, yes, erm, possibly? Ah, I remember now! That horrid Lobelia woman wanted you to ask that Pippin fellow if he was available for dinner sometime this week."

Frodo was slightly bewildered by this request. "Are you sure that's all?" he asked confusedly.

"Um...no. Perhaps it DID have something to do with The Ring," There was a sudden shriek from one of the trees. It sounded oddly like "GAH! SCARYBITCHGIRLFROMTHERING!" Frodo jumped and looked around, alarmed.

"Did you hear that?" he whispered.

"No, I didn't. You're hallucinating again. Now listen closely, I have a story to tell you," Gandalf proceeded to tell a wide-eyed Frodo the story of the ring, or more importantly, the love story of Sméagol and Deagol, a story of corruption, greed, and river folk lust. This story did not end well, as Sméagol ended up strangling Deagol for being a dirty, cheating skank.

"And I think you know the rest from there," finished Gandalf. "Sméagol changed his name to Gollum, grew a pink afro to disguise himself, and moved to the mountains. That is where your Uncle Bilbo found him, and so on and so forth."

Frodo shuddered at the end of this tale. "I didn't know you could use a ring for...THAT."

"Of course you can!" Gandalf exclaimed cheerfully. "But now you must keep it hidden. You can't tell anyone about it, not even your...er...special...friend. Sam something. Whatever."

"GAH!" Frodo yelped, looking disgusted, "Why does everyone thing that?! What Sam and I have is purely platonic!"

Sam suddenly flew into convulsions. Twitch had caused more neurological damage than she had thought. "SCENTED BAR SOAP! BUTTER SPRAY!! PONY CLUB!!" he yelled. Frodo looked surprised and leaned out the window to drag Sam in by his collar. Gandalf was immediately in his face.

"What did you hear?" he growled menacingly. But Sam was too far gone.

"LEMON PUMPERNICKEL SQUARES!" he shouted, jerking his arms around and whacking Gandalf in the face in the process. This caused Gandalf's staff to explode violently and shoot out random beams of fire. One streamed through the open window and hit a tree. A loud shriek emanated from the tree, sounding very similar to the one Frodo had heard before. A large flaming object came hurtling out of the tree, followed by another large, not-so- flaming object.

It was the fangirls. And Aye's head was on fire. A rather amusing situation for anyone that was not Aye. Fortunately, there was a handy barrel of water right by the window, in which Aye doused her head. Her appearance coming out of the barrel was, well, different from what it had been 5 seconds before. Her hair had been singed down to a few inches, which stuck out raggedly from behind her slightly burnt ears.

"My HAIR!!" she wailed, "My beautiful, beautiful HAIR!!" Twitch doubled over into a fit of giggles.

"Serves...you right...for...writing...on my...face! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!" she choked out. Aye whimpered and gingerly felt what was left of her hair. Twitch turned her attentions to the hobbits. "Frooodooo..." She began advancing towards the terrified hobbit. Sam had recovered slightly, and jumped in front of Frodo, wielding his faithful frying pan. Until he noticed which fangirl he was facing.

"YOU!!" he yelped, convulsing once more, "AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" he squeaked, spazzing out on the floor. Twitch cackled evilly and prepared to glomp.

"No you don't, not this time," Frodo muttered, and with some awesome hobbit super power, shot up towards the ceiling and clung to the rafters. Twitch goggled at him in awe.

Gandalf suddenly realized that he was the only partially-sane person in the room, and that his status as that was greatly endangered. He decided it was time to depart.

"I must leave, I have...business to attend to, things to find," He grabbed his cloak and hat and was on his way to the door when he remembered something (a rare occurrence). "OhyesandFrodoyouwillusemovingtoCrickhollowasanexcusetogetthehelloutofheredo n'ttellanyonebutSamwhoapparantlyknowsmeetmeinBree," he said as quickly as possible, and darted through the door, glad to be putting as much distance as was possible between himself and the fangirls.

"Well, at least he took his freaking hat with him," muttered Aye, who was now sulking in the corner, feeling her hair.

"Wait, did he say Crickhollow?" asked Frodo from the ceiling, "That's all the way across the Brandywine! What if I run into a creepy hobbit molester or get hobbitnapped?"

The fangirls perked up.

"Brandy?"

"Wine??"

"BOOZE!!" They shouted in unison gleefully, jumping up and down. This sparked a comment from the convulsing Sam.

"POINTY THINGS IN BOOZE!" he screamed.

"No!" sighed poor Frodo, who seemed to be in the middle of what was starting to look like a psych ward, "The Brandywine is a river."

"An entire RIVER of alcohol??" shouted Aye incredulously, "WHOOT!!"

"We'll help you pack!" yelled Twitch, scampering off, probably to do more harm than good.

"And I know the perfect person you could sell your place off to," said Aye, "You know, for a profit," then followed Twitch to 'help pack'.

NOW REVIEW, OR IT'S YOUR HEAD ON A STICK OR YOUR ASS ON A PLATE!! BWAHAHAHAHHAAA!! *cough* Er, I mean, review, pretty please?

Later Note: *GASP* WE ARE SUCH DUMBASSES!! We are so, so, SO sorry for any and all inconveniences!! OK, so Caity Burke has a semi-cameo as Lobelia Sackville-Bagginses, hence the Lobelia Sackville-BURKE. We also haven't cussed in this chapter (The shame!! The SHAME!!), and have made a few minor edits. And the part where Gandalf's telling Frodo to meet him in Bree, that's a webpage formatting error, so I can't help with that. Oh yeah, any errors you catch will be rewarded with a hobbit plushie!

-Aye