A/N: Okay, so I'm back again. This chapter was an impulse chapter…but I liked how it worked out even though the rest of you may think that I have gone crazy. Hehe. Just read and review! And tell your friends to read and review! In fact, tell your enemies if you feel the need!
Disclaimer: I do not the Harry Potter series or the people that you all recognize in here. They belong to J.K. Rowling and even though I am upset at her for killing off my FAVORITE character, she should still hurry up with the next book and movie! Oh, those who you don't recognize belong to moi!
MEMORIES
CHAPTER 22: Falling In and Out of Love
Written by ByeByeBirdie
It was three weeks later, and although James hasn't forgotten his father, he had started to move on. He stopped trying to let go of all of the memories and instead learned to still remember him without throwing it all away.
And of course, his friends were always there to remind him of that. James soon learned that dealing with pain was a whole lot easier when his friends were always just around the corner. They always knew what to say when he was down and always knew that a beer and rocky road ice-cream could cheer him up any day. In fact, Sirius bought James eight cartons of rocky road ice-cream just because he wanted James to feel better whenever he felt like it…and James soon found out that it was also because, at the super-market, if you got five cartons of ice-cream you got three cartons free, and Sirius rarely ever turned down a bargain.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
The friends began devoting every night to each other. At half-past-midnight every night, you could always find Remus, Peter, James, Sirius, Lily, Kaitlynne, and most of the time, when they left a baby-sitter for Jenna, Allie and Josh, together sipping on a few beers in the Three Broomsticks talking about anything in particular. Often the conversation was about Hogwarts, but sometimes it led to the few years after Hogwarts, and even some memories from their early childhood. And occasionally they would run into old friends and stop and have a late-night rendezvous with a whole lot of catching up to do—just last Monday they ran into a few of Kaitlynne's relatives who were at the wedding and the Friday before they even met up with a former professor—Professor Richton who was the Arithmacy professor.
That night they ran into Minnie's older sister, Liza, and her husband Trent, and three of Liza's old girlfriends who were only three years older than the rest of them (and Sirius used to have the hugest crush on one of them—Erin—and couldn't help but think that she got even more hotter!), and another guy, Bruce, who was a friend of Trent's. They invited them to sit down, which they gratefully accepted, which began a very interesting choice of conversation.
"So you two have been married for…how long now? Six years?" Kaitlynne asked Trent and Liza.
"Almost six—in January," Liza corrected.
"And no children?" Allie teased.
Liza and Trent shared a mysterious glance and Liza grinned wide. "Actually, I just found out this afternoon that I'm pregnant! That's why we're here—we came here to celebrate!"
"Oh congratulations!!" they all cried in unison, with a few round of hugs.
"Okay, this deserves a toast," Kaitlynne said happily.
"Hear, hear!" they all said in between laughter.
"To falling in love," Kaitlynne started, looking around the table at everyone's smiling faces. "To sharing a lifetime with a wonderful human being. And to Liza and Trent and their child on the way!"
"To Liza and Trent!" they all chorused. "And to falling in love!"
They all clinked glasses and sat back in their seats to sip their drinks.
"So, how many times have you all been in love?" Liza questioned. "It's been so long and I'd like to be updated on your lives."
"You mean their personal lives," Trent corrected with a teasing grin.
"Yes, that too," Liza said with a grin on her face. "So? How about it?"
Remus shrugged and said easily, "Only once."
Kaitlynne smile warmly and kissed him on the cheek. "Awww. I love you, too."
They all rolled their eyes. "So Kaitlynne? What about you?"
She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. "Three times…"
Remus looked over at her but didn't bother to question it. He hadn't spoken to her in the years after graduation and he knew that a wonderful woman like herself could've easily fallen in love.
Allie spoke up next. "Twice."
"Only twice?" Josh said in shock. "I thought it would be a lot more than that!"
Allie chuckled. "Sorry to burst your bubble, sweetheart. It was only you and that Paolo guy for a year…"
"Oh…him," Josh said, scrunching up his nose. "I hate Italians."
"No you just hated him because you were jealous."
Josh shrugged. "Yeah, well I'm not afraid to admit it at least."
They all laughed.
"Well, Josh, what's your magic number?"
"Three," he answered, not bothering to look over at Allie, who was trying hard not to care.
"Three?" she questioned. "Hannah Rutherford and….who else?"
"Someone who I used to work with. No one knows her," Josh said with a shrug.
"Oh…" Allie said, trying not to look so disappointed.
"Oh, honey that was years ago!" Josh said, squeezing her shoulder. "I don't even know where she is now! I love you!"
Allie shrugged her shoulders, but when she looked up at Josh's pleading face she sighed and gave him a quick kiss. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You better."
Everyone laughed.
"What about you, James?" Trent asked.
James looked over at Lily across the table and, not taking his eyes off of her, said quietly, "Many times…but with the same person."
Sirius nodded. "I can agree to that," he said miserably.
Peter shrugged his shoulders. "Only once, but she's long gone."
Everyone was staring at Lily now, though most of them already knew the answer.
Lily shrugged, and turned her head away from James. "Twice…" she said, barely audible.
Okay, that wasn't the answer everyone was assuming.
"Twice?" James cried out, almost as if he were angry. Okay, screw that—he was angry…only, he wasn't sure why.
"Yeah, twice," Lily responded. "You know—like the number two? Two times? Two people? Must I go on?"
If it was any other situation, Sirius might have thought about laughing. They all might have chuckled, but it was a desperate time for both Lily and James…
"But…but…" James sputtered out. "When?"
"Why does it matter?" Lily asked, finally turning around to look at him, already knowing the answer to her own question. "It was a long time ago."
"How long ago??" James demanded to know.
"Too long ago!" Lily cried out in frustration.
James glared at her. "Thanks for being specific."
"I didn't think I needed to be specific!"
"I'm just curious!" James cried out, throwing his arms up in the air.
"No, you're jealous," Lily muttered under her breath.
"Why would I be jealous??"
"Because you never knew that there was someone else in my life besides you and it's tearing you up inside," Lily pointed out. "Don't deny it. That look in your eyes is telling me that you think I betrayed you…which I didn't. I haven't dated you every second of my life, now have I? No," she said, answering her own question.
"Maybe you haven't, but when were you dating this other guy!?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "It was probably only a year or two after graduation," she explained.
"Oh!" Sirius suddenly cried out, looking at her in acknowledgement. "Er…Rider…uh…Rider something-or-rather! What was his last name?"
"You know, too?" James cried in complete disbelief.
"Carlson," Lily answered Sirius, choosing to ignore James' piggish comments.
"Well, Lily was living with me smartass," Sirius pointed out to James with a smirking grin on his face. "Of course I knew."
"How come I never knew!?" James cried out in frustration.
"Because I never felt the need to tell you!! It just happened to be one of those years where we weren't speaking to each other, James Potter," Lily said, crossing her arms irritably. "Half of my life was devoted to getting over you, and the rest of it was devoted to not speaking to you. Sometimes you made my life a living hell, James! I had to keep going with my life no matter how much you hurt me! Once I graduated, I grew up! I moved on! You don't know everything about me so stop acting like you do. The only thing you're good for right about now is acting jealous. So, as I get up now and walk out the door, you can keep doing what you're best at."
With those final words, she grabbed her jacket and immediately rushed out of the door in fury. Who does he think he is? He doesn't own me! He doesn't control my life and he sure as hell doesn't need to be a part of it! Lily thought in frustration, not realizing that it was beginning to snow.
James didn't even hesitate to grab his jacket and run after Lily without bothering to look at the rest of the group, who were all feeling a bit uncomfortable at the time.
"Lily! Lily, wait!" James cried loudly, calling after her impatiently.
Lily couldn't even hear him behind her, but when he caught up with her only a few steps outside of Three Broomsticks and grabbed her arm, she whipped around, the tears stinging in her eyes.
She raised her eyebrows, questioning his motives, still wearing an aggravated frown on her face as she pulled her arm out of his grip and crossed her arms huffily.
James looked down at her and saw the tears of frustration in her eyes. He sighed and ran his hand threw his hair as he looked up at the cloudy sky, not sure what to say.
"Well? Did you just come out here to look at the sky or are you actually planning on speaking?"
"Lily, I'm sorry," James said, looking down at her again and bringing his hand to her arm comfortingly. "I didn't mean to interrogate you like that, it's just that…" he trailed off, sighed and then shrugged. "I don't know……it's just that I thought I knew everything about you. I liked thinking that I knew everything about you. But…but…but…oh, I don't know."
Lily swallowed hard. "I do," she replied, avoiding eye-contact with him.
James looked down at her questionably. "What do you know?"
"I understand, James, I just…I just hate it when I'm reminded of the times that weren't spent with you. When we broke up after graduation, I couldn't deal with it anymore. I thought that our relationship was just some Hogwarts fling or whatnot. But I didn't know how to live on my own…so when Rider came along soon after, I started dating him just for the fun of it. Unfortunately, it led into something bigger and I found myself falling for him big-time—with one flaw…………..he wasn't you," Lily said with a sigh, still refusing to gaze up at his face. She couldn't believe how easy it was to talk about her relationship with James and her because whenever the subject came up in the past, there always used to be some uncomfortable silence and the topic would move away from them. But now…it was all coming out.
James smiled secretively in the dark, with a look of superiority. "Truthfully, Lily, I am jealous. Not because of you and him…but because you were able to find someone. You were able to move on. I didn't know how to let go…I didn't want to let go. And I'm jealous that Sirius knew about him and I didn't. I hate knowing that I don't know everything about you, Lily. I hate knowing that we lost valuable time not speaking to each other. I hate knowing that...that you were loving someone else when I was still loving you."
"I never loved him as much as I loved you, James," Lily said softly, not sure why she mentioned that. Their relationship was over and done with and she wasn't really in the mood to bring it up again, no matter how comfortable it practically felt.
"Really?"
"Of course not! He didn't make me feel like I was floating on a cloud and he never bought me yellow roses and he never enjoyed sitting out at night during the summer and just watching the stars above and he never showed up at my door just because he wanted to kiss me before going off to work in the morning and he never made me feel like I was truly important to him. He wasn't the overly romantic type. He was sweet and generous but not mind-blowing dreamy like those guys that women fantasize about all the time. I may have loved him…but I was in love with you. It was always you, James…"
"Is it still?" he dared to ask.
For the first time, Lily looked up into James' eyes…and knew it was the wrong choice. His soft eyes made her want to melt. His eyes were full of devotion and the kind of soft tenderness that made her heart sing and she suddenly felt her knees getting weak.
James looked down at her and couldn't help but think about how beautiful she was standing in the middle of the street with the snow pouring down on her. "Lily?" he whispered softly, stepping closer to her. They could both see the cloud of air that came out of his mouth because of the freezing weather, and that was the first time either one of them realized just how cold it was.
"Yeah?" she asked, not looking away from his captivating eyes.
He whispered fervently, "What would you do if I kissed you now?"
Lily didn't even bother to respond as she placed her hands in his cold, frigid air full of snowflakes and let him kiss her passionately. The heat between them rose and they stood there in the flurry of snowflakes, intensifying their kiss as Lily brought her hands down to wrap around his shoulders. They could barely breathe and yet never let go of each other. Their racing hearts became one, beating rapidly, and their minds enjoined as they felt the love that they had been denying for the past four years creep up and burst with pride.
When they pulled apart, Lily stared into his handsome eyes and let herself breathe heavily. James just stood there, finally realizing what he had been missing out on.
Neither one of them spoke for a long time, but neither one of them had to.
"Let's never keep anything from each other again," James said, barely audible with the winder winds surrounding them harshly.
Lily nodded. "I don't plan to…"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Lily and James walked back into Three Broomsticks, holding hands, and wandered over to the table where their friends were still sitting and chatting, only Liza, Trent and their friends had already left.
"Where did Liza go?" Lily questioned.
"I think the real question is why are you two holding hands?" Remus demanded to know, raising one eyebrow.
James and Lily blushed and let go immediately. "Uh…well….uh…you see…er…"
"Oh…my…God…" Kaitlynne said slowly. "Are you two…?"
James and Lily turned to look at each other and smiled sweetly. "Yeah, I guess," Lily said, biting down on her lip nervously like she was just falling in love for the first time.
Remus, Kaitlynne, Allie, Josh, and Sirius were officially speechless.
"Okay, this would be the time to speak…" James remarked.
"Congratulations!" Allie squealed. "Okay, it's time for another toast!"
"To falling in love," Remus repeated. "And to Lily and James—for finally figuring out who they're meant to be with."
They all laughed and clinked glasses.
James finally got up the courage to look over at Sirius, who was looking less than enthused. Sirius glared at James and raised an eyebrow, with a question in his eyes.
James shook his head quickly and turned away, feeling guilty.
But when he looked over at Lily, he forgot about his guilt and smiled widely. He finally had what he had always wanted.
…He just hoped Sirius wouldn't say anything to Lily about what he was hiding from her.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
The next day at work, Lily could barely concentrate. She was overly giddy and when a dozen yellow roses were delivered to her during her lunch break, she knew that the rest of the day would be impossible to be devoted to just her work. Her mind was completely transfixed on James and she daydreamed so much that her boss sent her home.
"Lily!"
Lily snapped back to reality and sat up in her seat at her desk. "Huh? Yeah?"
"You're drooling," Brigitte Talcyon, Lily's boss, snickered. "What's going on with you? You've barely done any work today!"
Lily blushed. "I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Talcyon, it's just that…er…well…"
"Lemme guess—you're in love?"
Lily hesitated, not sure what she was at the moment. She was on cloud nine, but was she really in love with James quite yet? It's been such a long time since they had dated and things had changed between them intensely. Both of their lives were incredibly different now and they really didn't know where they were headed.
Lily looked up at smiled at her adoring boss, took a deep breath and said confidently, "Yeah…I guess I am."
Okay, those weren't the words she was planning on saying…but they felt good and she knew that she meant it wholeheartedly.
"Go home," Mrs. Talcyon said with a childish grin on her face.
"Wh-what?"
"Better yet—go see him," she urged. "You're not doing any good here."
"B-but…but…"
"Honey, I'm not mad. I'm actually very excited that you found someone! But it looks like you'd have a better time anywhere but here at work—so I'm begging you, go see him."
Lily grinned. "Thanks, Mrs. Talcyon!"
"Anytime…"
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Before Lily and James went off to work that morning, James asked Lily out to dinner that night and she gladly accepted. It was two hours before she was supposed to be meting him since she got off work so easily, but she knew that James wasn't on a mission therefore he'd probably be at home working on paperwork, so she decided to surprise him.
She walked up to the door with a smile on her face but already saw that the door was half-open and she started to hear muffled voices inside.
As she walked up the door, she heard James' voice suddenly say wearily, "Avril, I'm sorry."
Lily stopped in her tracks and listened outside the door, confused as to why Avril Harper was at James' house.
"You weren't sorry yesterday. In fact, you were perfectly fine when you were luring me into bed!" she cried in anger.
Lily's breath stopped short.
"I thought you liked me, James! How can you go out with a girl for six weeks and then suddenly dump her because you feel like it!"
"Avril, please don't make this too big of a deal. I told you I was sorry and I am. And I do like you. I don't just 'feel like it…' It's just that…I mean…well…"
"There's someone else, isn't there…"
Lily looked down at the ground that was starting to blur in front of her tear-stricken eyes, full of emotions she couldn't describe. She wasn't sure if she should be angry or sad or confused or feeling absolutely nothing, but her mind was so mixed up that she didn't have time to think anyhow.
"Yes," James finally said after a long pause. "And as much as I like you, I love her more than anything. You and her are very different from each other and I like different aspects of each and you. But I've known her my whole life and I fell in love from the start. I really am sorry, Avril."
"Who is she?"
"What?"
"Who is she?!"
"Uh…"
There was a long pause from both of them, that was increasingly awkward.
"TELL ME!"
"Lily Evans," James muttered, as if he were afraid of something or embarrassed.
There was no answer.
Avril sighed heavily and finally said, "Oh…her."
"Yeah…"
"I should've known. She's the only girl that you've ever seriously dated.
"Avril, I-"
"James, just answer me this—if she wasn't in the picture and you never even knew her, never dated her, never talked to her, and never saw her…would you have chosen me?"
Lily wasn't sure if she wanted to hear that answer, but she was glued to the spot that it didn't matter what she wanted—she couldn't run away anyway.
"Probably," James finally answered. "I would have fallen in love with you easily because you're just like me in every way. Lily and I have our differences, which often makes our relationship a challenge, but this time it's different. We understand each other now. We're ready to over-commit to each other no matter what it takes."
"I was ready a long time ago, James…I just thought you'd never give me the time of day."
There was another long pause where James was desperately trying to collect his thoughts.
"Avril…I-I'm sorry," was all he could think of. "I really am. It's the only thing I can say to you now without hurting you any more. It's just…just bad timing now."
Avril sighed. "I'm trying to understand…but I just don't know if I ever will. Call me up if anything happens between you two. You're a good guy, James…I'm just sorry I won't get the chance to prove that to you."
Lily stood on James' front steps as Avril suddenly walked outside, the tears already falling down her face. "Oh…it's you," Avril only said, not noticing how upset Lily looked. Avril stared at her for a few seconds in frustration and then walked down the steps miserably before apparating to somewhere else.
Lily looked up into James' eyes, and there was no mistake of how hurt she was. He had lied to her when they promised each other that they wouldn't keep things from each other.
And James couldn't misinterpret how hurt Lily looked at that moment staring up at him with eyes filled with pain and suffering.
Lily looked down at the ground, seething in anger. "When were you going to tell me about her?"
"Wh-what?"
"You heard me," Lily said, glaring at him sending him death wishes with her own mind.
"I-I…" James started, completely speechless. He knew he screwed up big-time and he knew that Lily knew that he was never planning on telling her.
"James, I think this qualifies as something you're hiding from me. What happened to telling each other everything? By the things that Avril said to you, I'm pretty sure you didn't just find out about her—you were obviously dating her if you 'lured her into bed' last night, don't you think?"
"Lily, I-"
"Just save it," she said, swallowing hard. "I don't want to hear it James…in fact, I don't even want to look at you right now. I can't…" she continued, trembling while suffering terribly, the tears already falling down her cheeks somberly.
"Lily-"
"I trusted you, James," Lily whispered dramatically. "I thought that you and I being together was what we both wanted, but if you couldn't find it in your heart to tell me about Avril, I'm not so sure we're meant to be together."
"We are meant to be together," James whispered hoarsely, feeling the tears gather in his eyelids, already knowing that she was slipping farther away from him emotionally. "This is what I want. I want this so much that I didn't want to ruin it by telling you about Avril. You have no idea how many days I dreamed about you and I back together—this is the only thing I want right now."
"Then why do I feel like maybe it's not what I want?" Lily replied, staring up at him desolately, clinging to no hope and no energy to cope with what life is giving her right now.
"Lily, no…please, let me explain."
"You don't need to," Lily said, staring back down at the ground, unable to face James' morose look on his face with his eyes that were quickly filling up with unhappy tears of pain and suffering, just like how her heart was quickly filling up with more pain. "In fact, I don't want you to. We just need time alone, James. We have changed over the years and we both have to figure out who we are before figuring out what we want in life. We just need to be our own person, separate in life and separate within ourselves."
"But Lily…" James choked out. "I know what I want in life—I want you. Lily, I love you…"
Lily was afraid he would say that. "If you loved me, you would have told me the truth about Avril…"
James didn't answer.
"Good-night, James," Lily answered roughly.
"But not good-bye?"
Lily looked back up at him. "For now…it has to be good-bye."
And with those last words of solemn unforgiveness, she apparated back to her home where she spent the night crying on her bed, letting the tears slowly slip down her cheek on to her pillow. She let herself think about what she had just lost. She let herself cry over the one person she truly loved and the one person she just couldn't have. She let herself be overridden by memories of herself and James when they were a couple. She let herself close her eyes and dream about what could-have-been with James. She let herself fantasize about her future with James and reminisce on her past with him. She let herself fall deeper and deeper into a disastrous corner where the only thing on her mind was James Potter.
She was in love.
And there wasn't anything she could do about it.
Anger, sadness, pain, anxiety, confusion, and mostly jealousy just didn't mix well together. But that was what she was feeling. Her feelings meant nothing to her anymore. Nothing was worth the pitiful state she had let herself be cornered into, but James Potter was her reason for living.
He was also her reason for crying the night away.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Sirius walked into Three Broomsticks later than usual. He looked around and saw Remus sitting alone at one of the tables.
"Hey, Remus. Where's everyone else?" Sirius asked curiously.
Remus sighed and shrugged. "Kaitlynne had an emergency at work is down there trying to fix and help with the printer press. Allie and Josh are at home because they couldn't find a baby-sitter for Jenna. I have no idea why Peter is here although he left a strange message on my machine telling me that he had to go out of town for work and not to worry about him…or something like that. I don't know, he sounded muffled. But James and Lily…I have no idea where they are."
Sirius sat down at the round table. "They promised me they would be here promptly at one o'clock…why aren't they here? They never break a promise…"
Remus sighed. "I hope everything is okay."
Sirius suddenly gasped. "Uh-oh…"
"What? What's wrong? What happened?"
Sirius shut his eyes and groaned. "If they're not here that must mean they're fighting…and I'll bet you anything that Lily found out about Avril."
"Avril? As in Avril Harper?"
Sirius nodded. "James has been dating her for a while and last night he told me that he didn't want Lily to find out because he didn't want to ruin things from the start." Sirius groaned again and shook his head in disbelief. "This can't be good."
"Are you sure about this?"
Sirius shrugged. "No…but I knew that Lily would find out somehow—she's a smart girl and she knows when that boy is hiding something…I just hope that I'm wrong."
Remus nodded. "I do, too. They were so happy last night. They deserve each other; they really do. I-I just hope that nothing bad happened between them. I can't stand it when they're fighting. I hate it, you hate it, we all hate it…but they hate it most. I-I really hope that they're just late…"
But they never showed up.
A/N: Wahhhhhhhh…..THEY WERE SO CLOSE!! Stay tuned to see what happens next…surprises are in store!
