Author's Note: *a splodes the evil 'rents* Yes, well, we WOULD have had this up about a month earlier if it wasn't for my 'rents cutting off my internet. And Twitch getting grounded. Sorry for the delay! We'll have the next chapter up very, very soon. We're almost done. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys kick ass!! *dishes out I LOVE HOBBIT mugs* No pun intended. Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!! SHUT UP!! *blows up the world*

And now, for our feature presentation, *screen fades out and everyone shuts up* *scrolly word things appear*

THE RABID HOBBIT GLOMPING FANFIC, CHAPTER 5

Twitch, Aye, and Merry the Beta Feesh proudly presents

A Twitch, Aye, and Merry the Beta Feesh production

Starring Tomother as Tom Bombadil

*theme music*

-Aye

The next morning...

The hobbits departed from Crickhollow after discussing very important issues, such as mushrooms, conspiracies, big, boring books, 'shrooms, the ring, and of course, mushrooms. Fatty Bolger was feeling forlorn and left behind.

"Pippin..." he sniffled, "Don't go..."

"Don't worry, Fatty! I'll come back!" Pippin said cheerfully, hanging onto Merry, who was completely unaware of Fatty's pining. Pippin patted Fatty on the head and glomped Merry.

"STOP, PIP!" Merry snapped, taking Pippin's head and shoving it away. "You're irritating me. I have to get the ponies saddled now. Blargh."

The rest of the morning continued like this, until Merry finally decided to tie Pippin to his pony to stop the incessant glomping.

At long last the hobbits entered the Old Forest.

"Beware," muttered Merry, "this old forest is queer."

There was a snicker from one of the trees. Poor, paranoid Frodo was trembling in his boots. Er...foot hair, rather. The freakishly creepy trees appeared to be closing in on all sides. Even Sam, who had his wits about him for once, was a bit nervous.

"Eeee! SAM!! SAVE ME!" Frodo shrieked, clinging to Sam's arm. Sam looked vaguely happier with this new development. Merry and Pippin, however, were squicked out.

"Ew," Pippin said, wrinkling his nose, "They're even worse than me and Merry!"

All of a sudden, with a crash and a bang, something came plummeting to the forest floor. All four hobbits shouted in fright and jumped back.

"MY CHIBI REAPER!! MIIIIIINE!! GIVE HIM BACK, DAMMIT!!"

"NO, BITCHASS!! HE'S MINE!"

"MINE!!"

"MINE!!"

The rabid fangirls had discovered a pair of three foot high, bubbly little things with scythes. The hobbits watched in awe, amazed that anything could be as loud as the fangirls were now. But after a few minutes, they soon grew bored and retreated to rest by some trees, as it was quickly becoming a rather extended and repetitive argument.

"I'm bored," mumbled Sam sadly. He was sitting under a tree making little crowns out of Reynolds Wrap.

"Whaaaaazt ish dad youuus maykeeng?" asked Pippin, stumbling and swinging an empty flask.

"Kingsfoil," replied Sam, matter-of-factly.

Meanwhile, the fangirl fight had escalated. Twitch was now shrieking in pitches only dogs could hear, and the poor chibis looked as if they would be torn to pieces.

"MYYYYYYYYYY CHIIIIIIIIIIBIIIIII!!" screamed Aye, whacking violently Twitch with a tree branch.

"OW, YOU WANKER, YOU CUT ME!!" And it was true. Several drops of blood went flying. For some unknown reason, this sent Merry into a blood-thirsty rage.

"BLOOD!! KILL!! RAR!!" he roared, diving into the fight. That seemed to be the last straw for the trees. A large tree started making menacing movements towards the bickering fangirls and violent hobbit.

"Save the chibis!" yelled Aye, stuffing the chibi reaper ninja into her suddenly existent backpack and diving out of the way.

"Come here chibi reaper!" Twitch shouted, lunging for the miniature reaper. The chibi had other thoughts. He slashed at the attacking fangirl with his scythe and scampered away. "NOOO!!" Twitch cried, pounding a fist angrily against an unsuspecting tree, "Come back!!"

"Um, I wouldn't do that if I were you..." whispered Frodo fearfully. The tree began moving its great branches in a threatening manner, shaking leaves down on the heads of everyone present.

"HOLY CRAP!! THE TREE!! IT'S MOVING!!" Aye shrieked. Merry yelped and ran over to Pippin.

"AS IF THE OTHER ONE WASN'T AS WELL!!" Twitch hollered. Aye clutched her backpack, fearing the worst. There was a muffled squeak and a loud ripping noise as the chibi ninja reaper appeared, whacking Aye over the head with his scythe. She dropped the backpack, and threw her arms over her head.

"OOOOWWWWWW!! THAT HURRRRRTTTTSSS!!" she wailed piteously. The chibi ninja reaper zoomed over to Twitch and dumped a slooshee on her head, probably for harming the chibi reaper. Considering his work done, he leapt up into the trees with mad martial arts skills.

"Whoa, he has a NICE arse," Aye remarked, staring up. "Nice legs too."

"BLARGH! Where'd he get the slooshee?!" Twitch exclaimed, wiping her face.

"MY SLOOSHEE!!" Aye cried, suddenly recognizing the strange, neon substance on Twitch's head, "THAT'S MY SLOOSHEE ON YOUR HEAD!!"

"Well, get it OFF!" Twitch clawed at her hair. Aye looked mournful.

"Waste of a good slooshee. 'Twas a nice slooshee," muttered Aye, "Stupid Twitch. Want chibi ninja reaper. Want slooshee. Meh."

The tree had advanced while the fangirls and hobbits were distracted. It loomed ominously over the irritated and unsuspecting Twitch.

"I hate that fucking chibi reaper ninja; the chibi reaper is FAR cooler. I hate that fucking Aye and her fucking slooshee too."

"HEY! Watch what you say about me chibi ninja reaper! AND my slooshee!!" Aye glared and threw the remains of her backpack at Twitch's head. Needless to say, she missed, hitting the big, scary tree instead. The tree gave a giant tree-ish roar, startling the hobbits, who had been quietly creeping off. Frodo squealed and ran, leaving Merry, Pippin, and Sam behind. Aye and Twitch screamed.

"RUN!! RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!! GAH!!"

And run they did, losing the tree (and the hobbits) and appearing at a big, happy, sunny river. Most off-putting for Twitch.

"Ooo...big and blue..." Aye said, fascinated with the water. "Preeeeeeeeetttyy..." Twitch glowered at her, still attempting to get the remains of the slooshee out of her hair.

"You won't like it so much when I'm drowning you in it," she threatened, flailing her arms about like a moron, "Damn you and all your slooshee cohorts!!"

"I LIKED that slooshee!! You always ruin my fun," Aye kicked a substantial amount of dirt into the river. A random tree behind her creaked warningly. Twitch froze.

"Holy, holy crap!"

"BLARGH!! RUUUUUNN!!"

"Well, Mr. Frodo. We lost them," Sam said cheerfully. The hobbits had run the other way, avoiding the rabid fangirls.

"But what if they come back? What if they come up and attack us in our sleep?"

"Why, I'll just whack 'em over the head with my frying pan, that's all!" Sam waved his frying pan merrily. "Think I've got the hang of this thing, I have."

"Very well, Sam," Frodo said disconsolately. Long creepers from unfriendly trees swayed above the hobbits. You could almost hear them saying "menacemenacemenace!!fearus!!rar!!" Sam eyed them suspiciously. Merry and Pippin, however, were oblivious to everything. Singing cheerfully, they skipped along, munching on carrots. Pippin suddenly sat down and yawned.

"Meeerrryyyy...wanna nap. Shleepy time," he said, and promptly passed out. Merry sniffed his breath and winced.

"No more brandy for him tonight, that's for sure," he said, taking away Pippin's flagon. Swigging a good amount, he sat down by the river bank and stretched out in the sun. Frodo eyeballed the trees and tugged at Sam's sleeve.

"Sam! It's not safe! All those evil hobbit molesting trees!!"

"It won't hurt to have a bit of sleep, Mr. Frodo. Why don't you sit down for a little bit, and I'll get you a drink of nice, fresh water from the river."

"But I might get dysentery!! NOOO!! Sam, don't leave meeee!!" Frodo wailed, as Sam wandered off with a cup to the river. A tree prodded him in the back with a sharp stick. "OW!! GGAAAAAAAH!! SCARY HOBBIT MOLESTING TREES!! EEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEE!!" He scuttled to Sam's side, quivering.

"BLARGH!! THE TREE!! IT'S EATING ME!!" Merry had been rather rudely awakened by a big fat tree. Pippin was still snoring, even though a branch had wrapped itself around his waist and was dragging him along to join Merry in the trunk. Frodo screamed and hid behind Sam.

"mmmhobbitflavored," murmured the tree.

This sent Sam flying into convulsions. "HOBBIT MUFFIN PUDDING!!" he yelled, writhing, as Frodo, finding his cover gone, decided to try and help his two friends.

"Evil tree!! Stop!! Grar!!" He kicked at the tree violently, causing it to creak angrily.

"GAH!! STOP!! IT'S GOING TO SQUISH ME!!" Pippin shrilled, having woken up from his alcohol induced slumber.

"RAPE!! RAPE!! SAAAAVE MEEEE!!" Merry screamed. Sudden untuneful yells pierced the forest, cutting through the racket.

"MOO MOO SAID THE COW," A noise that sounded rather like a dying farm animal came wafting up the river to the vague tune of Row Row Row Your Boat. "DROWNING UP THE STREAM!! WANKER, WANKER, WANKER, WANKER, WE ALL LIKE TO SCREAM!!"

"ICE CREAM!!" someone else hollered.

"ICY MINT ICE DROPS!! THE LIQUID BREATH MINT!! BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED!!" shrieked Sam. And lo! and behold! Two rather wet fangirls drifted up the river, clinging to a broken tree stump.

"Hey look!! It looks like hobbits!!"

"PAHAHAHA!! LO LITTLE HOBBIT!! HOW BE YOU THIS FINE DAY!!"

"Dude!! That's MY line!!" Aye said, rather offended. She glared.

"Well, SO?? You're not using it."

"Blaht. You suck. Wanker." The two of them proceeded to clamber onto the tree bank. Aye shivered. "I don't like the cold. Evil cold."

"Wuss."

Aye glowered. She adjusted her HI MY NAME IS LOSER sticker and poked it sullenly. "I liked that slooshee."

Frodo let out a tiny eep. Twitch immediately leapt around to face him. "Come here linno hobbit...hobbits sho cuddly!" The poor harassed hobbit edged away, and suddenly shrieked and fled.

"GGGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! HELP!! HELP! HEEEEELPHELPHELP!!" he screamed, windmilling his arms around.

"Hep! HEPPITY HEP ON TOAST!" yelped Sam, without any particular provocation.

"AND THE GREEN GRASS GROWS ALL AROUND ALL AROUND AND THE GREEN GRASS GROWS ALL AROUND!!" came a sing-songy voice out of nowhere. A strange short-ish man dressed in many pretty colors and a giant-ass hat approached the group, seemingly out of nowhere.

"TOM BOMBADIL!!" shrieked the fangirls gleefully, jumping up and down. Frodo looked at him in confusion.

"Be you hobbit molester?" he asked, looking cross-eyedly at the newcomer.

"AND WE SAID NAY! WE ARE BUT MEN! FUCK!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! OOOOHH!! WHOOOAAA!! OH YEAH!! THIS IS NOT THE GREATEST SONG IN THE WORLD, NO! THIS IS JUST A TRIBUTE!! COULDN'T REMEMBER THE GREATEST SONG IN THE WORLD, YEAH, NO!! THIS IS JUST A TRIBUTE!!"

"Ah...I'll be going now..." Frodo said in an undertone, backing away. Tom Bombadil grinned madly at him.

"Well, young master. I have your diagnosis. You suffer from severe paranoia, coupled with what might be schizophrenia. Now, I don't mean to alarm you, but you may have to be medicated."

"No! That's not it at all! My friends are being eaten by a big, ugly TREE!!"

"What, ho! Tom Bombadil knows what to do! To the rescue!!" And with random theme music playing from the gaping plot hole in the sky, Tom Bombadil zoomed off to save Merry and Pippin.

"Think if I stick your head in the tree, it'll spit Meriadoc out?" Aye cackled evilly and sized up Twitch's head.

"Don't even think about trying," Twitch retorted.

"But! They're HOBBITS!! They deserve to be saved!! And your head is like a BARGAIN!!"

"NO!! MY HEAD!!" Twitch hugged her head possessively and glared out at Aye through her arms. If that's possible.

"Such rash measures won't be necessary," said Tom Bombadil, zooming around with Frodo in tow.

"FRODO!!" yelped Twitch, and immediately glomped and latched onto him. Aye eyed the far taller Tom Bombadil.

"Hi! My name is Loser!" she declared, pointing to her sticker.

"I see," Tom said, making a notation in his shrink's notebook," "Well, then, where is this might, hobbit-eating tree that the young master speaks of?"

"Er...I can't imagine!" Aye said, puzzled.

"MMMMMMMMMMMPH!!" screamed something from inside a tree.

"Ah. There it is!!" Tom Bombadil walked boldly up to the tree and poked it with a big stick. He then proceeded to jump around madly while chanting something that sounded oddly like the lyrics to Identity Crisis. Aye peered over his shoulder. The two hobbits appeared, flying out of the tree, and landed on the unfortunate Sam, who was still convulsing.

"CRAYOLA!! NATURE'S COPPERTONE!!" he whuffled, knocked out of breath. In the background, Twitch cuddled a hassled Frodo.

"My little hobbit! I'm going to take you home, and feed you, and walk you, and take care of you, and I will name you George. Yay!" she said happily.

"But my name ISN'T George!" exclaimed Frodo, squirming. Twitch, however, was totally off in her own world.

"Ooo, and you can meet TODD!!"

"Todd? What's a Todd?" asked Frodo warily, attempting to squirm away.

"Mmmph, I can find him...somewhere..." Twitch released Frodo, rooting around in her hoodie pocket and strewing everything known to mankind, from a chemistry book, to what appeared to be a live potato with ears and eyes, all over the ground. Aye ran over to the startled Merry and Pippin and glomped them, adding to the weight on Sam.

"Adorable little hobbitses!!" she squealed, hugging them. Tom Bombadil strode about, waving his arms and singing 99 Red Balloons. Sam, having recovered, crawled out of the hobbit/Aye clump and groaned. Frodo edged his way over to Sam.

"You ok?" he asked quietly, hoping to not attract the attention of Twitch, who was currently chasing a lab mouse that had escaped her pocket.

"Yes, Mr. Frodo, I'll be alright," Sam said wearily.

"I have an idea!" Tom Bombadil suddenly exclaimed, "Come little hobbits! I shall take you to my house for nourishment and such!"

"What about me?" asked Aye, still holding Merry and Pippin.

"Eh, both of you can come too!"

"Twitch, get your fucking mouse, we're going!" Aye shouted.

"But...the MOUSE!!" Twitch whined, lunging for it.

"Just come on, damnit. Fucking wanker..."

"Wait," Merry said warily, slipping out of Aye's grasp and tugging Pip away, "THEY'RE coming? I'm not so sure I want to go now."

But Tom Bombadil was already on his way, twirling his giant-ass hat and singing loudly.

"EAT VEGETABLES WITH EVERY MEAL OR YOU LIPS WILL START TO PEEL AND YOUR EYEBALLS WILL FALL OUT AND YOUR FEET WILL SMELL LIKE TROUT!!" The hobbits and fangirls formed a bit of a caravan behind him, Sam walking backwards to ward off Aye and Twitch with his frying pan.

White people love junk food. Which means 90% of Americans has had a slooshee. Which means 90% of Americans are infected with the virus. 24/7, in which East Indian storekeepers take over the world. Check it out now: Dude, they should pay me for advertising. XD

Congratulate Merry the Beta Feesh and Tomother on their wedding and birth of their fetus, BLAND!! And click that beeeYOOOOOtiful little button that says review, and you won't die a slow painful death!

-Aye