Disclaimer: If we owned Middle Earth, we would have money, and we just can't have THAT happening, can we?

*sparkly confetti flies everywhere* *announcer voice* AND NOW, THE MOMENT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING (months) FOR: CHAPTER SIX!! We apologize profusely for the delay, but we have been going on other literary ventures. Namely, our newspaper, The Middle School Underground. You should read it if you get the chance. Also, we would like to introduce Bland the Fetus *drags haggard looking fetus up to where everyone can see* He be the offspring of Merry and Tomother. All must congratulate them on his arrival. And...that's it! ON WITH THE SHOW!

-Twitch

Er...side note. 100th reviewer is awesomous and will get the awesomest thing in the world! And on the newspaper, we will have an online version of that fairly soon. Hopefully.

-Aye

"GOTTA DIE GOTTA DIE GOTTA DIE FOR YOUR GOVERNMENT, DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY THAT'S SHIT!" the fangirls screamed, Tom Bombadil providing the background base, guitar, and drums. The hobbits trailed behind, wondering if anything could be as off key as the fangirls.

"Merry...make them stop!" Pippin whined, tugging at Merry's sleeve. He had one hand clapped over an adorable pointy hobbit ear and was twitching from side to side. "Well it's your fault for having a hangover," grumbled Merry, "And I'm not about to get near that-that FANGIRL."

"But Merry! It hurts!" Pippin whimpered unhappily, attempting to bury his head in his pack. Merry sighed and started picking up the items that fell from Pippin's pack at random intervals. Which included a tampon that was signed Love, Goman the Woman, Pippin's Very Secret Diary, a kicking paddle, Mardi Gras beads, carrots, a fuzzy potato with giant-ass ears and eyes, a funny looking imp thing with wings that had a big sign reading STINY: PRODUCT OF AN ABUSIVE HOME, a cologne bottle of Merryishnesh, a pipe, a rubber ducky, and a greething. "Are you clean?" Frodo asked nervously, staring at the newest object to fall out of Pippin's pack, a strange looking egg.

"Mah hair is," the egg replied.

"But you have no hair!" Frodo squealed, clinging to Sam. Sam swung the frying pan menacingly at the strange egg.

"Essatly," it mumbled amusedly.

"The GERMS!! Think of the GERMS!!" Frodo screamed in agitation.

"There be no Germans here," it said contemptuously.

"The GERMS!"

"Tastes like Pepsi." And with that, the egg weebled away. Sam patted Frodo on the head.

"There, Mr. Frodo. It's gone now," he said soothingly. Frodo squeaked, trembling. Ahead, the fangirls gave great cries of admiration and awe.

"Oo!! Me! Me! Me first! Me!"

"No, you bitchass! I get to go first!"

"But! But! But!"

"I'm older! Shut up!"

"BLARGH! You wanker!"

The hobbits cautiously walked up behind Tom Bombadil, who was shaking his head sadly. Pippin poked Merry in the shoulder.

"What happened?" he whispered loudly. Tom sighed, turning around to pat the hobbits on the head.

"It gets them every time," he said discontentedly. He pointed a large, metallic, boxy object of which the hobbits had never seen the likes of before. The fangirls were rushing towards it, screaming rabidly at each other.

"YARRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!!! AOL TIME WARNER CDS!!" screamed one.

"ALFALFA SPROUTS WITH BETA! BETA! BETA!" shrieked the other, and with that, the taller, faster fangirl jumped into the metallic object, slammed the lid down, and gave a great, ear piercing shriek.

"GODDAMMIT! WHO'S DOING THE WASH IN THIS THING!!" she shouted, rather agitated. She climbed back out, covered with wet clothes and those little cleany strips you stick into the dryer when you run it. A strange, sing song voice came out of nowhere. Tom Bombadil beamed, showing off his green braces, and ran towards the voice.

"GOLDMERRY!!" he cried gleefully. "ME DEAR, SWEET GOLDMERRY!" Goldmerry came skipping up, with a wild half Mohawk of pink hair, waving a kicking paddle in one hand.

"Why hello, Tom! I see you've brought guests!" Goldmerry gave a deranged grin, tossing the kicking paddle in the air. Aye let out a tiny erk. Twitch threw the wet clothes down and stomped on them.

"Was it YOU who was doing the wash?" Twitch screeched. "You got me all fucking wet!" Goldmerry smirked at Twitch and patted her on the head. Twitch shrieked rabidly, and attempted to bite off Goldmerry's hand. Aye burst into song.

"III!! IIII!! I'M GETTING OUT, NO NOTHING EVER SHAMES ME. III!! IIII!! I'M GOING OUT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE ANGRY!!" she screamed, off key and head banging.

"Shut up, wanker!" Twitch yelled, throwing wet clothes in Aye's general direction. Aye glared and muttered under her breath. A series of odd, The Cheat like noises emanated from her mouth.

"MmmmreerhhiiierrehmmmwweeeaeriirrmMEH!!"

Tom Bombadil made another note in his notebook.

"The Manifest Destiny," Aye recited, "A phrase used to rationalize the continental expansion in the 1840's, which included the displacement of the Native Americans and the War with Mexico. It was mostly utilized by politicians and leaders who supported continental expansion."

"Er..." Goldmerry said, poking Aye in the head. Aye grabbed the offending finger and gnawed absentmindedly on it.

"Tastes like pottery," Twitch remarked, sitting cross-legged on top of the dryer. Aye nodded wisely and removed the finger from her mouth.

"Let's nick his bubble," she announced to no one, and marched off. Twitch shrugged, and eyed the approaching hobbits.

"Oh, Froooodooo...come here you adorable linno hobbitses. Frooooodoooo!" She toppled off the dryer. The hobbits crowded around Tom Bombadil and his admiring wife. "I'm hungry," said Pippin loudly. Merry handed him the fuzzy potato thing. Pippin shoved it into his mouth and let out a terrified shriek when the thing sprouted a pair of arms and legs and started kicking at his mouth.

"RrrrrEeeeeeeerrrrrrrrmmmmmmmaaaaaafrrrrrrre!" it said, pummeling poor Pippin's oral cavity. It sprang out, dealt Pippin a few good whacks, and latched onto Twitch's leg. Merry gave a squeak. Frodo was traumatized.

"GAAAAAAHHHH!!" he yelped, now in thorough fear of all vegetables. He gave a few involuntary twitches, and climbed up onto Sam's head, quaking in fear. Sam promptly fell over. Twitch took the opportunity to grab Frodo and limp off.

"Dammit, you're fucking heavy," she panted, after a few feet. Frodo began screaming at the top of his lungs.

"SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!! SAM! SAM!!! SAAAAAAAAMMM!! SAVE MEEEE!!" he bawled. Hearing Frodo's pitiful wails, Sam leapt to his feet, chasing the fangirl in circles. For the next hour or so, Merry, Pippin, Goldmerry and Tom Bombadil's heads turned to follow the chase, like in those freaky cartoon things. Aye suddenly appeared some time after the one hour mark and tackled Merry and Pippin.

"HEEEEEEEEEE!" she cackled gleefully. "Mine! All mine! Mineminemineminemine!" Twitch puffed by. Suddenly tired out, she sat with a thump on the grass, narrowly avoiding squooshing Frodo. Sam tripped over her and was sent sprawling. Twitch smirked and cuddled the harassed Frodo.

"I love Frodo, you love Frodo, Frodo belongs to meEE, with a great big GLOMP and kiss from me to Frodo, we all love the cute Frodo," she sang happily while Sam writhed on the ground. "EQUILATERAL TRIANGLES WITH FISH SAUCE IN SWISS! ISH! ISH! ISH!" the convulsing hobbit screamed. Goldmerry peered at him with great interest, and Tom scribbled more notes in his book.

"Severe brain damage," Tom pondered aloud, "Possibly psychosis, dependency?" Goldmerry started poking Sam in the head.

"STRATOCASTER! GIBSON! BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER!" Sam nearly bit off Goldmerry's curious finger, thrashing all the while. Aye whacked Goldmerry on the head, more or less for the chance to be randomly violent, and Merry and Pippin took the chance to spring up and hide.

"OY! ME HOBBITSES! Where they be?" she wondered, stumbling about. Goldmerry jumped up onto Tom's shoulders and announced that it was time for dinner.

Upon hearing this statement, Merry and Pippin popped up from their place of refuge and cheered.

"YAY!! FOOD!! FINALLY!" shouted a gleeful Pippin. And so, with Tom Bombadil and Goldmerry in the lead, the hobbits and their fangirls trooped up a hill to a large dwelling. As they were crossing the threshold, Twitch halted and gave a sudden shriek.

"ARRR!! RRAAAAARRARR!! THE STAPLE REMOVER! FEED ME STAPLES!! I AM HUNGRY FOR STAPLES!!" Everyone turn to goggle at her questioningly.

"She says she won't go through," Aye said. Tom Bombadil raised an eyebrow.

"And why not?" he asked. Twitch shouted a series of incomprehensible words while Aye frowned and pondered.

"Er...she doesn't want to use the door...?"

Twitch shouted more unintelligible babble.

"And...er...she hasn't used one since this thing started and...er...she doesn't intend to start now?"

"Well, that makes...sense, I suppose," said Goldmerry, jumping off her husband's shoulders and booting the fangirl through an open window with her kicking paddle. Everyone else entered the house in a normal fashion and took a seat at a large table set with forks and other such mundane things. Frodo frowned confusedly, and turned to Goldmerry.

"I-I hope this doesn't sound rude, but what IS a Tom Bombadil?" Tom Bombadil sniggered and Goldmerry toppled over, cackling. Frodo blushed bright red and attempted to hide behind Sam. Twitch immediately jumped to his defense.

"THOU SHALT NOT MOCK MY FRODO!" she cried, springing to her feet and the top of the table, "FOR HE IS UBER-SPIFFY AND OH-SO-SEXII!" she stomped her foot for emphasis, sending spoons flying.

Goldmerry and Tom Bombadil managed to contain their laughter, although Goldmerry turned several shades of blue in order to do so.

"In my defense," said Tom Bombadil, "I wasn't laughing AT him, I was laughing WITH him." "But he wasn't laughing!" shouted Twitch in protest. Aye pulled her off the table, causing the fangirl to squawk indignantly.

"He does have a point. What be you?" asked Aye, jabbing Tom Bombadil with a finger. "Don't touch me!" he snarled. Aye recoiled, rather intimidated. Tom Bombadil straightened up and declared in a solemn voice, "I am Tom Bombadil! Master of all things awesome and woodsy, singer of randomous songs!"

Frodo looked more puzzled than ever. Sam patted him comfortingly as Twitch sat back down, watching Aye cautiously stick various eating utensils down Tom Bombadil's shirt. Merry and Pippin started clamoring for food.

"FOOD! FOOD! FOOD IS GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! FOOD!" they shouted at random intervals. Goldmerry glowered and threw plates at their heads. Then she brought in a big boiling pot of something bright red and squiggly. Frodo shrieked in terror and dove under the table.

"BLOOOOODD!!" Merry screamed delightedly, brandishing a plastic spoon. Goldmerry scowled and bashed a plate over Merry's head. At seeing this, Aye shrieked in shock, dashing over the table to protect her worshiped hobbit. She hurled the pot at Goldmerry and threw herself onto the dazed hobbit.

"You'll have to kill me first!" she cried dramatically, throwing her arms around Merry. Twitch snickered, causing Aye to glare at her. Tom Bombadil rushed over to his beloved Goldmerry who was now covered in bright red squiggliness. Twitch used this moment of diversion to dive under the table and glomp Frodo madly, bringing Sam down with his frying pan. A scuffle began, and ended with an unconscious fangirl and a broken frying pan.

"My frying pan!" Sam sniffled, cradling the broken pieces forlornly. "My beautiful, faithful frying pan!" He broke down into sobs, leaving a disconcerted Frodo to cling desperately to one of the table legs.

Meanwhile, Tom Bombadil was pelting Aye with strange gnome things while she yelped in pain and attempted to shield the concussed Merry. Pippin was stuffing his face with the strange redness that had spilled over the plates.

"Mmm, tastes like man bag," he snuffled through a mouthful.

"Yergh. Marlf. Yffffffff," Merry stated, wobbling on his chair. Aye glomped him, clutching him protectively as she threw badly aimed plastic forks at the enraged Tom Bombadil. Goldmerry suddenly jumped up on a chair and screeched.

"GRAAAAAHH!!" The room fell silent, and all that could be heard was the ominous clatter of a final fork. The hostess glared at Aye and the unconscious Twitch. "OUT! OUT I SAY!" Goldmerry hollered.

"But where will we stay?" asked Aye, looking dejected. Twitch suddenly sprang to life. "Fore there is no room at the inn!" she cried. Once again, no one had a clue about what she meant.

"There's a barn out there, though I pity the animals," said Tom Bombadil, picking up both fangirls by their hoodies and hurling them out the window.

Once outside, Twitch glowered at Aye.

"This is all your fault, wanker."

"'Tis YOUR fault! If you hadn't been attacking Frodo, we'd still be in there where 'tis warm!"

"Don't man-bitch at me! You know you're to blame."

"I AM NOT A MAN! YOU BITCHASS!" Aye shouted in rage, stomping on the ground. From the woods came a distinctly treeish mumble that didn't sound very happy.

"TREE ATTACK!! RAPE!! RAPE!!" screamed Twitch, and the fangirls scampered off to the barn.

Inside, things had calmed down rather quickly after the fangirls left. Goldmerry had stuck Sam's frying pan back together with some duct tape, but it was far from fixed. Tom Bombadil started singing, dancing upon the table.

"It's still rotting in the hall! Dead puppies aren't much fun at all!"

The hobbits all applauded, and Pippin turned to Goldmerry.

"What is this stuff?" he asked, gesturing towards the red goop.

"Squid Jacks, of course!" Goldmerry replied cheerfully. Across the table, Frodo was fiddling with his ring.

"Well! Ho there, little master!" shouted Tom Bombadil, "What trinket have you there?" Frodo looked at him, startled.

"Eep! No touchie! Mine! My shiny!" he yelped, clutching the ring possessively.

"Let me see it, I only want to try it on!"

"You might break it! Or hurt it! And I loves it! It is my shiny!" Sam looked shocked at hearing this.

"Mr. Frodo!" he cried, "I thought you said you loved me and only me!"

"I-I didn't mean it like that, Sam! It was a mistake! I'm sorry!!" Frodo and Sam burst into tears, hugging each other and sobbing. Goldmerry took this opportunity to sneak up on the wailing hobbits and snatch the ring. She grinned proudly and handed it to her adored husband. Merry and Pippin watched in suspense as Tom Bombadil prepared to put it on. When he did, they were rather disappointed, as nothing seemed to happen. Frodo squealed in horror.

"GAH!! MY BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY RING!" he screamed, "You BROKE it!!" he disentangled himself from the distraught Sam, and launched himself into empty air. Fortunately, he managed to catch hold of Tom Bombadil's shirt and started ripping at it. "GRAR!! MY SHINY!!"

Goldmerry threw a fit at the ripping of Bombadil's shirt. She jumped up, grabbed Frodo and the ring, and hurled them across the room, slamming both against a door.

"NEVER TOUCH HIM AGAIN!!" she howled, picking up a pot and preparing to pitch it at the quaking hobbit.

"Goldmerry, dearest," said Tom, regaining his footing and patting her reassuringly on the arm, "I think it would be a better idea to let them get some sleep." He quickly ushered the hobbits out of the room, and into their sleeping quarters.

Some time around midnight, the barn was in an uproar.

"STUPID BALES OF HAY! GRAH!! DIE!! ARRARARRRARRR!!" Aye shrieked, in a frenzy, "Accept my heartwarming gift of tree scratchies, I absolve thee!" She stumbled about, tripping over Twitch, who was reading a book entitled "The Mystery of Time and Space".

"PANTS NINJA!" Twitch screamed, dropping the book, arms wind milling about. Aye fled to a hay covered corner, bobbling.

"iwokeupthismorningwithabadhangoverandmypeniswasmissingagain.thishappensallt hetime.itsdetachable," she mumbled. Twitch started to whack her over the head with a skein of yarn.

"FUCKING WANKER!" Twitch shouted, "YOU MADE ME LOSE MY PAGE!"

"Ow! Ow! Wanker!" Aye yelped, attempting to shield her abused head. "It was the hay! Stop!!"

There was a strange rustling noise, causing both fangirls to freeze. A strange fetus thing emerged from a pile of hay. It took off its headphones and glared at the two.

"Fucking arseholes," it whispered, "Shut the fuck up before I take this piece of shit and shove it up your arse." They stared at it, unsettled. It managed to give them the finger and disappeared.

"Holy, holy crap," Aye erked.

"What the crap was that?"

"Fetusfetusfetusfetuspenisfetus." Aye rolled up into the fetal position and started zooming around, bouncing off the walls. Twitch threw the yarn at her head, exasperated, and decided to investigate further.

"Oh little fetus..." called Twitch, picking up a pitchfork and jabbing at the hay."Come here little fetus... I don't want to hurt you, just psychoanalyze you..." Suddenly, the fetus popped out of the hay on the other side of the barn, right next to Aye's head.

"Fuck off, you fucking shrink!" it yelled, and dove back under the hay. Twitch continued prodding.

"Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas, little fetus!" she sang happily. The fetus popped up again and pitched what appeared to be a belt buckle at Twitch's head.

"Adidas suck, they support sweatshop labor!" he yelled. Twitch took this opportunity to spring up and grab the fetus. She poked at it happily.

"Well ain't you perdy!" she said in a horrible mock-up of a Southern accent.

"Get outta here, shrink," muttered the fetus, and proceeded to bite her hand.

"OW! DAMNIT!" shrieked Twitch, dropping the fetus.

It scampered off, yelling something along the lines of, "MOM!! DAD!! THERE'S INSANE LADIES IN THE BARN AGAIN!! YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULDN'T SEND YOUR FUCKED UP PATIENTS HERE!! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!"

...AND THERE IT GOES!! UP, UP AND AWAY!! ITS FLYING!! OH NO!! ITS GOING TO CRASH INTO THAT PLANE UP THERE!! GAH!! ITS 9/11 REINCARNATED!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! GGGGAAAAAAAHHHHH- ok I'll shut up now. Heh. Um...review or else we'll send Bland over to your house to steal your soul with the SOUL SUCKER 20XG6!!! BWAHAHAHHAHAAA!!! *cough* er...yesh.

-Aye