Reposted 12/23/03 with a very minor correction. Thanks to Charrie Death for pointing out my little mistake.
The Glamoire—Chapter Two
"Now lets get started"
Francie pushed the book away, stood up and began to pace around the room.
"Let me get things straight. You, the disembodied voice, are going to use this…thing…to transform me into a Mary Sue, so I can go to Hogwarts."
"In a nutshell, yes."
"Wouldn't it be easier if you were…you know…embodied?"
"Probably, but you didn't exactly like my last projection."
"Let's try something else then. I feel like I'm talking to myself."
"That won't do. Sues are never mentally unbalanced."
Francie smirked at this remark and muttered to herself. "No, just the authors are."
"What was that?"
Francie bowed. "Nothing, O Great and Powerful Oz."
"Now look, if you're just going to crack jokes…"
"Sorry, sorry. I'll be good, I swear."
"Excellent."
The cultured British voice that spoke that last word came from behind Francie, and she turned quickly to see whom or what, it was. She was surprised to see a young woman wearing a very fancy, and very old-fashioned dress. The mysterious woman seemed to glide over to Francie, not at all inhibited by her flowing gown. Francie was now thoroughly puzzled.
"Who are you?"
The woman smiled and held out her hand. "Call me Sabine. My job is to assist you in using the Glamoire."
Francie shook Sabine's hand, but her confused expression did not disappear. "But who are you?"
"I'm the author."
"You look like a refugee from Elizabethan England."
Sabine turned up her nose at Francie. "The costume is French, thank you very much. Seventeenth century."
Francie shrugged. "Whatever. Either way, I doubt a courtier like you wrote fanfiction. And if you're supposed to be French, why do you have a British accent?"
"Because I do. Anyway, this is only how I appear in this room. My Sue-form, if you will."
"None of this makes any sense!" Francie wailed.
"I'm writing a Mary Sue. Those don't have to make sense. It's like a rule, or something."
Francie plopped back down into the chair, sighing, "Whatever. Let's just get on with this."
Sabine gave the younger girl a small smile, "As you wish. First, I need to know your full name."
"Frances Marie Weston"
"Frances? What kind of a name is Frances?"
Francie looked insulted. "A perfectly normal and respectable name, thank you very much."
"That's all well and good, but it will never work in my story. You need something more…exotic, more mysterious."
Francie grinned, "Like, I don't know….Sabine?"
"There will be no mocking of the authoress. Now…let me see….we can probably just alter your name a bit. Aha!"
Francie looked at Sabine apprehensively. "What?"
"I've got it! Francesca Serena Marianne Elizabette Aoife Isabella Worthington-Smythe." Sabine rattled off Francie's new list of names and looked supremely pleased with herself.
Francie's jaw dropped as she heard her new name. When she regained the ability to speak, she was shrieking at Sabine, "You cannot be serious! No one would ever name their child that!"
"It's an excellent Sue name."
"It's absurd."
"Look at what The Glamoire has to say about names."
Francie picked the heavy book up from where she had dropped it on the table and turned to the second chapter, entitled "Serena, Serenity and Selene: Choosing Your Mary-Sue Name". She began to read.
Mary Sues must always have names as beautiful as they are. Regular sounding American or British names are very rarely appropriate. The internet and baby name books offer a wide variety of exotic sounding names that can be used for characters. Names may come from a wide variety of sources: Greek and Roman mythology, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, any other type of book, colors, virtues, etc. A Mary Sues name should be as exotic and descriptive as possible. Feel free to combine as many names as you like. Some of the best Mary Sue names are as follows:
Aisling, Alanna, Antonia, Anastasia, Aoife, Artemis, Arwen, Athena, Bianca, Brianna, Caoilfhionn, Ciara, Chastity, Charity, Cassandra, Cassiopeia, Danae, Desdemona, Diana, Destiny, Ebony, Eowyn, Francesca, Felicity, Galadriel, Graziela, Guinevere, Isabella, Isis, Jaquenetta, Jesabelle, Juliet, Líadán, Lyssa, Marianna, Miranda, Morgan, Narya, Nimisha, Ophelia, Patience, Peace, Thalia, Saoirse, Xenia.
Of course, the absolute best Mary Sue names are Serenity, Serena and Selene, or any variations thereof. These names embody all the qualities a Mary Sue should aspire to have. They should be used whenever possible in stories.
"Everyday" names can be used for Sues only if they are spelled in unusual ways or changed in some manner. For example, Brittany and Jennifer would have to be changed to Brytanie and Genhiffer. Those are only two possible spellings. The most important thing to remember when naming your Mary Sue is to be creative.
Francie stopped reading. "Fine then, I'm Francesca Serena Marianne….what was the rest?"
"Elizabette Aoife Isabella Worthington-Smythe. It is important that you remember your own name."
"Right, right. So, I have a name. What's next?"
"Keep reading."
Francie skipped over the rest of the names, turning to the third chapter, entitled "Ebony, Ivory and Gemstones: Getting the Mary Sue Look."
"This just gets worse and worse."
Sabine snapped her fingers and a hairstylist's chair appeared in one corner of the room. Another snap and a counter and sink materialized next to the chair. Sabine turned to Francie with a wicked grin on her face.
"Time to fix your hair Francie."
Francie stared, horrified, at Sabine. Slowly she began to back away from the demented looking authoress advancing toward her. Sabine lunged at the younger girl, but tripped over her wide skirt. While Sabine was untangling herself, Francie ran to the other side of the room and cowered in the corner. Sabine finally stood up and walked slowly towards Francie.
"Oh, come on Francie. It won't be that bad."
"What are you going to do?"
"Exactly what the book tells me."
"And what does the book tell you?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On you."
A/N: The Francie-torture continues! Thank you so much to all of my reviewers! Cookies for all of you. Also, my apologies for how long it took to get this chapter up. That's what I get for putting up a new story during finals week! However, the semester is now over, and I'll be home for about a month for break, so I hope to update more often.
