Chapter 12- What matters in life?

       Quiet. This was the life of James, which he had learned to enjoy. He was now enabled to sort his thoughts out, and he could think of answers to his problems. At least, this is what he told himself; otherwise it might have been a different story.

He didn't think himself depressed. It was simply life. He lived each day to retire, and then he would wake and do it over again. Things were repetitive, and he didn't know what to think anymore. So much time spent thinking, and yet he didn't know his own mind. Was he going crazy? He sure didn't know.

 "James?" Peter stood in front of his bed, staring at him with watery, blue eyes. James simply looked back at him dully, no expression. "Are we going to have a meeting today?"

"Oh...yeah." A meeting. He had forgotten, as usual. "I'll get everyone and meet you down there, Wormtail. And you get Moony, take him down too." Peter nodded quickly and scampered off.

James reluctantly walked from the place where he had been sitting for the past hour or so. Thinking, of course. Was he the only one who thought this much? It didn't matter, he supposed. He didn't feel like one of the world anyway.

 Descending the steps to the common room slowly, he saw Lily, sitting with Sirius and Mary. A final sigh, and he interrupted their obviously happy conversation. Lily's smile faded instantly after she looked up.

"Yes, James?" she asked dispassionately.

He put on his best cordial face, knowing that nobody, himself least of all, wanted a repeat of the last meeting. "Well, we have a meeting now. I'm headed down to the room, if you wanted to come with me."

"Sure." Mary said, the only one who wasn't exactly furious with him. She hadn't expected him to be sincere anyway, he supposed. Well, she was smart.

They made their way slowly down to the meeting room- the Order of the Phoenix room, at least that's what they had decided to call it eventually. Why? Well, Sirius thought it was a good idea because phoenixes had such healing powers...he thought they should think of themselves as healing dark problems. Though they did know that a bunch of seventeen year olds would not possibly make a very big difference, they chose to pick an original name. That was about the only thing that they had all agreed on lately...

"James? Are you coming in?" he looked up to see Lily standing in the doorway watching him, keeping her thoughts absent from her expression. He watched her a moment, watching him, and then nodded carefully. They both went in.

He went to the front of the room. He was, after all, sort of the head of the Order of the Phoenix, since he had been its first member… "First of all, anyone notice anything?"
           

"Not besides the same thing as last week." Mary said, glancing around the room.

"The Slytherins in particular seem to be cooking something up," Lily said, looked at James as if it weren't James at all, but just a statue. "I think something is going to happen. I don't know…I can feel it. But what is beyond me."

"Well that's our job, silly." Sirius said, elbowing her and grinning.

"I can say that I have a list of suspicious people who I think are Death Eaters…" Remus added, not noticing Peter fidget beside him. He glanced at the others. "Well, of course we wonder about Snape…and then dark magic seems to run in the Malfoy's family. And there are a few others we should probably be watching- Neman, Crout, and maybe Isharde."

"I agree." Lily said, giving the werewolf a small smile. "The only thing is, how do we watch them? We have classes, and we also don't want to give away what we're doing."

"Well, just keep your eyes open, Lily. As often as you can." He addressed her, looked at her, before he realized that there were other people present as well. He appeared surprised, but chose to ignore that he was talking, civilly, to his ex-girlfriend.

He was planning what to say next when Dumbledore poked his head in. "Hello. I have someone to add to your 'Order'. I hired Ms. Figg to keep an extra eye out. Of course, the rest of the school will know her as a counselor…she came up with that idea…" he opened the door wider, to reveal a woman who appeared to be middle-aged, though one never knew. She had long, dark hair and held a faint scent of cats.

Ms. Figg took a few steps inside the room, surveyed them, and smiled politely. "You may call me Arabella." And they simply nodded, watching as she took a seat and Dumbledore exited with a wave.

@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@ 

            Lily watched Sirius silently, seriously considering the idea of them as a couple for the first time. She didn't know what she wanted, and didn't feel like she had enough time to spend dawdling on unimportant things such as this.

She was glad that Mary was happy. It was a big change in her friend, being around Daniel. And it was a good change, Lily hoped everything was going well. In fact, Mary was out with him right then, leaving her alone with Sirius…

"Sirius, have you thought about us?"

"Well, I can't say that I have a lot. Not really…I wasn't sure what you wanted." He glanced over at James unconsciously.

"I don't know what I want anymore…but I do know what I deserve, and that's nothing."

"Why do you say that?"

"Think about it, Sirius. James wasn't mean to me first, but then I was a total bitch. And I've always been that way…he's right. I'm a spoiled brat."

"Lils, you heard him say that he was using you. You can't possibly think that that was your fault." He replied softly, in his own world.

"That doesn't remove the fact that I'm spoiled. I can't change that…" she looked down at her hands.

"Lily," he said softly. "What matters in life? To you?"

@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@ 

            Lily was worried about James. No, she didn't care about James…yeah, she was worried about James. He was walking around with bloodshot eyes, dark circles, the whole deal. And he smelled like liquor. What was going on? And she thought she had problems…

Mary entered the room, smiling as usual. "Another day with Daniel, I presume?" Mary just grinned in response.

After a moment of silence, she asked Lily, "Do you think we should ask Daniel to be part of our group? The Order of the Phoenix, I mean?" she looked hopeful.

"Well I think that would be fine. But James is probably the person to ask…" Lily replied.

Mary grinned. "Well, can you ask him then?" her grin widened.

"Er, I guess so." She sighed deeply. "I'll go find him now."

She walked to the door, giving Mary a wave before she left. Why did her friends do this to her? She thought Mary had thought of James as a player…and yet she seemed to want to get them back together. What had happened? Even Sirius was reluctant to do anything with her anymore. He kept mentioning James. Although they were still angry with each other.  Oh, why did everyone have to think that James and Lily were meant to get back together? Whatever, she thought, they're all wrong. She moved inside the seventh year boys' dorm.

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A/N: Wow! Thanks soo much for the reviews; you really did make me happy when I got home- very happy. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate it quite a bit!! Please review again? ;)