***** Part Two *****
"If it makes you less sad,
I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad,
we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold.
A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot,
but it's missed when it's gone…"
--Brand New
"Hey, Summer. Any word?" Seth sits down at the table where she is sitting alone for lunch. Ryan has been missing for several days and during the interim, Seth and Summer have mended their fences. Seth is devastated by Ryan's disappearance as is Summer. Every day they meet at the same table and make phone calls on their cell phones. Sandy and Kirsten have hired several private detectives to search for Ryan but there has been no success.
She shakes her head. They stare at their food in silence. When her phone rings, they both jump in surprise.
"Hello?"
"Hey."
Summer grabs Seth's arm with a gasp. "Ryan?"
"Hey."
"Oh my god, where are you? Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Are you monosyllabic now? Talk to me," Summer urges.
"Sorry. How are you?"
"I miss you."
"Me, too. I think I fucked up."
Summer can tell that something's wrong. "Where are you?"
"I fucked up," Ryan repeats.
"Stop saying that."
Summer hears him choking with sobs. She realizes that he's been crying the whole time.
"I'm sorry…"
"Where are you?"
"Summer…"
"Where are you? I know you're not with your mom, she's in Vegas…I have to see you."
"I don't know what to do."
Summer waits but he didn't continue.
"Let me help you. We'll brainstorm. We'll figure it all out," Summer says.
She hears him talking to someone. "Give me ten minutes," He says in the background.
"Ryan," She calls, trying to recapture his attention.
"I'm still here."
"Where are you?" She asks again.
Ryan sighs. "Chino. At a motel."
"Where? I don't have Mapquest right here."
He doesn't reply.
"You don't have to ask. I'll come alone."
"I know. It's just…"
"What?"
"I'm not doing so well."
"Ryan, what do you mean? Are you okay?" She tries to keep the panic from her voice.
"I don't know what you're going to say when you get here and…"
"Please," Summer whispers. She doesn't meet Seth's worried gaze.
"I miss you so much. I miss…I miss my life…"
"Please, Ryan," Summer says. He gives her an address and she scribbles it on a napkin.
"Summer?" Ryan calls.
"I'm coming, Ryan. Are you going to be okay until I get there?"
"Yeah. Of course. Just knock, I'm in 209."
Summer hangs up and turns to Seth. "Can you promise not to tell your parents anything until I talk to him?"
Seth hesitates. He knows how upset his parents are.
"Please? I just need to talk to him," Summer says. "I know I can talk some sense into him, but he sounded…he sounded so upset, Seth…"
Seth has spent a lot of time with Summer in the past few days and he knows that she cares about Ryan more that she admits to herself. He thinks that Summer and Ryan may be in love. It doesn't bother him now, he thinks he's finally over Summer. She's still hot but he realizes that he loves Anna and that Ryan and Summer need each other.
"Please, Seth."
"Okay. Anything to get him home. But you call me, Summer, as soon as you know anything. I need to know if he's okay."
"I promise." She hugs Seth and hurries to the parking lot.
*****
Ryan is staring at the cleared space on the cluttered table beside him. He's been at this motel for four days and he's been selling coke for three days. It's been two days since he slept and one day since he hit solid rock bottom. He thought he'd hit bottom before but this is different. He's completely at a loss. He is lost.
He has half a gram of cocaine cut up on the table. He sold the rest. Six hundred dollars is stuffed into an empty cigarette box on the table beside a pyramid of beer cans and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
His 'friends' from Chino have been keeping him company but he has sent them away. Summer is coming.
He's tired. He's sore and bruised from a bad deal the night before. He stares at the mound of coke on the table. He has to stop.
He hurts. The bad deal last night had resulted in him getting his ass kicked. He hurt the guy, slammed his face into the pavement but not until after the guy had roughed him up. His face was bruised and swollen and his side has turned a dark blue, almost black from bruising. The bastard had tried to stab him but he managed to avoid his stomach and chest and Ryan only took a couple of stabs to the upper thigh. He knows that he probably has some damaged ribs. If it wasn't for the coke, he knows that he probably wouldn't be able to move. He isn't using heavily, he'd just hit it a few times to prove to the people he was selling to that he was on the level, but he wants to use more. His body is craving more and he's been staring at the table for hours. Before and after he called Summer.
He lights a cigarette with his bruised hand and jumps when he hears the timid knock on the door. He slowly makes his way to the door and swings it open without looking to see who is there.
Summer gasps when she sees him.
"Told you," Ryan mutters. He turns away without acknowledging her further and limps back to the chair by the table.
Summer closes the door behind her and goes to his side. She embraces him, desperately.
"Oh baby, what happened?" She asks as she hugs him. He doesn't hug her back. She doesn't release him but pulls away enough to look at him. His eyes are bloodshot and fully dilated.
"Everything just got out of control, Summer…" Ryan says finally.
"Baby, things will be okay." She pauses. "Come home."
"That's the thing, Summer…I thought I was coming home but…I don't want to be here, I don't want to live this way…" Ryan whispers. "These people, my friends, they haven't changed, they're exactly the same and…I don't want to be here…I don't want to be this."
Summer sees that Ryan is distraught. He is shaking. She hugs him tightly against her.
"I don't know what to do," Ryan whispers.
"Shh…let me take care of you, okay? You're hurt, you're exhausted and you know that you're not thinking straight right now…"
"I know," Ryan sighs. "I'm all fucked up."
"Ryan, will you relax? I swear, you're so tense…Can I give you a bath?"
"Summer…"
"I want to make sure you're okay," She urges. "And then I want you to sleep."
"I can't sleep."
Summer sets a bottle of her mother's Valium on the table beside the coke. "You'll sleep."
Ryan sighs. "Okay."
"Okay? That easy?"
"I'm tired. I have to figure out what to do and I'm…I can't."
"Okay, baby," She says. She hands him 2 pills and he chases them with a swallow of whiskey before she can stop him.
"What next?"
"Go into the bathroom and start the bath. Can I get rid of this for you?" Summer motions to the coke.
"Please." Ryan gets up and slowly walks to the bathroom.
Summer sweeps the coke into the trash can and tidies up quickly before joining Ryan in the bathroom.
Ryan is standing in front of the mirror trying to pull off his shirt but his face is drawn with pain.
"Sit down," Summer says. Ryan sits down on the closed toilet and she pulls his shirt off. She barely manages to not react to his damaged side. "How are you still standing?"
"I'm tough, remember?" Ryan mutters.
Summer's gaze falls to his jeans and she spots the bloodstain on his upper thigh. Ryan takes her hands before she can comment.
"Thank you. For everything."
"Don't thank me yet, baby. Take off your pants," Summer smiles.
"I used to look forward to you saying that," Ryan says. He hasn't smiled since she arrived. He gingerly removes his jeans and stands unsteadily in his boxers.
"Sit back down," Summer says quietly. The bandage that Ryan has on his leg is saturated with blood and she is worried. She turns off the steaming water as the tub is half full. "What happened?"
"Bad deal," Ryan mutters. It takes Summer a moment to realize what he's talking about.
"Coke? You've been selling coke?" Summer gasps.
"I had to. I didn't take anything with me when I left and I had to make money somehow…"
"And you've been using coke, too, haven't you?" She asks as she carefully pulls off the bandage from his leg.
"Summer…"
"This isn't a lecture, I just need to know what I'm dealing with," Summer says.
"I…yes, Summer. I have street credibility here but it's courtesy to do a line with whoever you're selling it to so they know you're not a cop and that the stuff is okay quality. Things got out of control," He says.
"Okay, Ryan. I know. What happened here?" She asks. His leg is bleeding sluggishly.
"He cut me," Ryan replies.
"Did you go to a hospital?" Summer asks. He shakes his head negatively.
"Ryan, you might need a hospital, okay?"
"I can't, not today…I'm just too fucked up…I'll be okay," He replies.
She doesn't respond immediately. "You're not okay, Ryan."
"I know," He replies.
"Why'd you call me?" She asks.
"Because. I…I needed you and I knew…I knew you'd come," He whispers. She embraces him immediately.
"I need you, too, Ryan. I need you."
"I wish that I had listened to you…" He whispers.
"Don't worry about that now, let's get you into the bathtub and then you can get some rest," Summer says as she releases him.
"You're not going to call the Cohens?"
Summer hesitates. "I have to call Seth. I convinced him not to tell his parents that I was coming to see you but I promised him that I'd call him."
"So you guys…"
"He's so sorry, Ryan. I believe him. He's devastated that he drove you away and all he wants is a chance to apologize and bring you home," Summer says. He doesn't meet her gaze. "Are you still mad?"
"I'm not mad. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry about all of this," He replies.
"So…it's cool if I call him?" Summer asks.
"I don't care, Summer. You made a promise and you have to keep it," Ryan shrugs. "But I can't go back, not like this…"
"Okay, that's fine, Ryan, I'm just glad that you called me," Summer says. "I won't tell him where you are, not until you tell me it's okay, but I have to tell him that you're okay…"
"I'm not okay. But you can tell him that I am," Ryan says.
"Okay, Ryan. Get into the tub. I'm going to go call Seth and I'll be right back," Summer promises.
"Okay. I'll be here," Ryan murmurs.
Summer steps back into the main room and pulls out her cell phone. She sits down on the bed and calls Seth.
"Hello?"
"It's Summer."
"Is he okay?"
"I'm with him. He's…he's exhausted."
"Is he coming home?"
"He's in no shape to go anywhere," Summer mutters.
"Summer?" Seth calls.
"I don't want your parents to see him like this, you know how Ryan is about his pride," Summer replies.
"Is he hurt? Drunk? Angry? Summer, give me something here, please."
Summer is torn. She doesn't want to break Ryan's delicate trust but she knows how much Seth needs to know if Ryan is okay.
"He got into a fight but he's okay. Well, he's hurt, Seth, but I'm more worried about his state of mind right now. He keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do and he just looks so lost…" Summer whispers.
"Shit…he'll freak if I come out there but I need to see him and…I have to tell my parents."
"I know. I told him that. He knows I'm talking to you now. Can I have some time with him?"
"God, Summer…"
"Seth, I know I can get him to come home but…I just found him and I can't risk pushing him away right now, I won't lose him again."
"I'm going to tell Mom and Dad. I'll call you back in a few minutes."
"Okay. If I don't answer, I'll call you in half an hour." Summer hangs up. She returns to the bathroom.
Ryan is in the tub with his head leaning against the edge with his eyes closed. The water has residual suds from Ryan's apparent bath but it is tinged red with blood.
"Ryan?"
"How's Seth?" Ryan asks, not opening his eyes.
"He wants to see you," Summer replies.
"I look like hell," He mutters. "But it's better than how I feel."
"You need a hospital."
"I need about 2 weeks of sleep."
"How's the valium?"
"Fluffy. But nice. Not much for the pain, though."
"Will you look at me?" Summer asks. She kneels beside the tub. He opens his eyes and regards her with pain-filled eyes.
"Will you do something for me?" Ryan asks.
"Sure."
"Kiss me."
Summer responds by leaning over and kissing him deeply. Moments later, he pulls away.
"I've never tasted anyone like you, Summer," Ryan smiles. She kisses him again.
"I missed you baby," She murmurs.
"I missed you, too. Can you stay?"
"I'm not leaving your side. Will you try and sleep?"
"Those valium are kicking my ass. I'll sleep."
"Ryan, the Cohens want to see you. I don't know if I can keep them away."
"Summer…"
"Will you at least talk to them? Seth? Or Sandy?" Summer pleads.
"I really don't want to see any of them today. Or tonight. What time is it?" Ryan's eyelids are drooping.
"It's around 3 in the afternoon. Come to bed." She helps him out of the tub and dries him with a towel.
She lies down beside him in the bed as her phone rings. Before she can answer it, Ryan takes it from her and flips it open.
"Hello?"
"Summer?" Sandy asks.
"Ryan. Hey."
"Shit, kid. It's good to hear your voice. Are you all right?"
"Not really, if you're wanting honesty."
"Ryan, will you come home? Can we get past all this?"
"I'm trying. I'm over it. I…I miss being there but…"
"But what? Where are you? We'll come get you right now…" Sandy begins immediately.
"I need a couple of days. Twenty four hours at least."
"Ryan, you've been gone too long already. If you're hurt…"
"Sandy," Ryan sighs, putting a hand to his face. Summer squeezes his shoulder, reassuringly.
"Please, Ryan. Come home. We're your family, you have to believe that, we want you here, we need you here…"
"I'll come home. But I can't right now."
"Why?"
"I'm tired. I haven't slept in days and my nerves are shot."
"Seth said you were hurt, Ryan. What happened?"
"Fight. Nothing serious."
"Is Summer going to stay with you?"
"I think so. I doubt I could get her to leave right now," Ryan sighs.
Sandy is silent. "But you're okay."
"I'm intact."
"And you're coming home?"
Ryan hesitates. "If you'll have me."
"You don't have to question that," Sandy replies, clearly relieved.
"Let me talk to him, Ryan," Summer says. She accepts the phone from him. He turns over on his side and sighs heavily. "Mr. Cohen?"
"Summer? How is he? Really?"
"Ryan, I'm going to step outside and talk to Mr. Cohen," Summer says.
"Stay here. I don't care. I just want to sleep," Ryan murmurs.
Summer sits on the edge of the bed. "He's okay. He's hurt pretty badly but I think he'll be better once he gets some rest. I don't want to push him to go to the hospital yet…"
"How badly, Summer?" Sandy asks.
"His side is pretty bruised but he seems to be breathing okay. His leg is bleeding…"
"Bleeding?"
"Yeah. I think he was stabbed," Summer whispers. She glances over and realizes that Ryan is sleeping because of the slow rise and fall of his chest.
"He won't go to a hospital."
"He's been drinking and stuff, Sandy," Summer whispers.
"And stuff? What stuff?"
"He's tired and freaked out. He doesn't want you guys to see him like this. He needs some more time."
"God…do you think you can get him to a hospital?" Sandy asks.
"Not today. He's sleeping now. When he wakes up, I'll get on his case."
"Okay. But you're going to stay with him?"
"Yeah. I'll call you guys back in a few hours with an update."
"Thank you, Summer. I don't know why, but I know you'll take care of him. Call us back every hour, okay?"
"I'll try." She hangs up and glances at Ryan. She touches his shoulder and he doesn't react. He's sleeping. She lies down beside him and puts her arms around him. She won't lose him again. She hadn't realized how much she cared about him until he was gone. She needs him. She won't lose him again.
*****
When Summer wakes up later, she is alone in bed. She panics. "Ryan? Ryan?"
"Hey, I'm right here," He says, stepping out of the bathroom. She is out of bed and in his arms.
"God, don't scare me like that," She says. He's wearing clean jeans and is shirtless.
"I had to go to the bathroom, that's all," Ryan says.
Summer is crying softly and he rubs her back.
"Don't cry, okay? I'm sorry I scared you…" He soothes.
"I…I thought you were gone again…you can't leave…I won't let you…"
"Summer, I…I'm not going anywhere, okay?" Ryan says. "It hurt too much this time…I don't want to run anymore…I want to try this time…"
"You promise?"
"I promise."
Summer wipes her eyes and looks at him. His eyes are more lucid than before and he isn't shaking.
"How are you doing? What time is it?" Summer yawns.
"Early. Or late, depending on your perspective. Four a.m." Ryan limps slowly to the bed and sits down. He lights a cigarette.
"You hurt, don't you?"
"I'm okay."
"Your leg?"
"I'm okay, Summer."
"I want you to come to the hospital with me. As a sign of good faith," Summer says quietly.
"A sign of good faith? God, Summer…" Ryan says, frustrated.
"Please. You look more rested and I'm worried about you. You need someone to take a look at that leg and your side, what if you broke some ribs or something?"
"I'm fine, Summer…"
"You're not fine. You're hurt. You have to go to a hospital, Ryan," She insists.
"You're not going to let this go, are you?"
"No. Not until you're okay. Oh shit, I have to call the Cohens…" Summer remembers suddenly.
Ryan lies down on the bed.
"Ryan?"
"I'll go check out of the motel with the night clerk while you call." He stands up and pulls on a fresh shirt.
"You're checking out?"
"Well, I have to if we're going to the hospital, don't I?" Ryan responds. He leaves before she can respond. She sighs as she dials the Cohens.
"Hello?" Seth answers.
"It's me. I'm sorry, I fell asleep…"
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah. He seems better. He's going to the hospital but he's not happy about it."
"But he's doing it for you, right?" Seth asks.
"Yeah. What's that supposed to mean?" Summer responds.
"Nothing, Summer. Did you tell him how you feel about him?" Seth asks.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I'm not mad, Summer, I'm over it. I just think it would help if you told him that you were in love with him. He trusts you more than any of us and…I just think it might help him."
"Seth, what makes you think I'm in love with him?"
"Don't bullshit me, Summer. You love Ryan. He probably loves you. He called you for help. He trusts you and he needs as much love as he can get at this point."
"Seth…"
"Whatever, Summer. What hospital are you taking him to?"
"We're in Chino, do you think I should drive him to HOAG?" Summer asks, relieved that Seth has dropped the subject.
"Let me ask my Dad…"
"He's still awake?"
"Did you think we'd be able to sleep?" Seth replies.
"Sorry."
"Hold on."
Summer waits several minutes. Ryan returns. He smiles at her, still moving stiffly with pain. He starts gathering his things.
"Dad says we'll meet you at HOAG."
"Okay. We're leaving in a few minutes."
"Is he okay?"
"He's better, Seth. I just want him to go to the doctor just to be safe."
"Thanks. It's a good idea. We'll see you in an hour or so," Seth says.
Summer hangs up. "Where'd you get all this stuff?" She asks, seeing that Ryan has filled a new dufflebag with clothes.
"I went shopping. Bought new clothes." He hesitates suddenly and sits down on the bed.
"What?" She rushes to his side.
"Nothing. I'm cool," He replies.
"Ryan…" She starts, sitting down beside him. He puts his arm around her and pulls her close. He kisses her. She returns his kiss and in minutes, they are entangled in each other's limbs on the bed. She is kissing him desperately but as she starts to unbutton his jeans, he gasps and turns away.
"I'm sorry…wait…" He says.
"No, I'm sorry…I forgot how hurt you were for a moment…I'm so sorry…" She apologizes.
"Hey, I started it…sorry I can't finish it right now," Ryan smiles sadly.
"Let's get you taken care of," Summer says. She stands up and offers him her hand. He takes her hand.
*****
