Disclaimer: Okay, I'm only gonna do this once, so listen up! The author of this fic does not really believe Lucius and Severus are gay, so DON'T FLAME HER! She just happens to find the idea of them together amusing. She understands that all the characters in this story have been distorted to the point where their personalities are no longer recognisable, so don't write to her complaining about how nobody's in character either. Well...she thinks Lucius might still have some last vestiges of his personality left, but really, this is just a cartoony fun fic. So enjoy yourselves, dammit!

Oh, and I don't don't own Harry Potter, etc, etc.

And by the way, to maximise your enjoyment of this story, imagine everyone talking with 1930s radio play voices. You know...those ones. Here we go...

*** From the creator of nothing particularly memorable, comes this wonderfully written story, a tour de force, a thoroughly exciting mystery that will keep you guessing to the end! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ***

*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY ***

CHAPTER ONE: Lucius and Severus Decide to go to France

Her head was missing. Her arms, too, were long gone, the only remnants of which was her right hand with but three fingers attached, which was kept in a glass display case a few metres away from her body. And now even that was no longer there.

Yes, the Winged Victory of Samothrace was certainly in a sorry state, but one could hardly expect better after 2190 years of existence. Time had been kind enough to grant her her very own hallway in the Louvre, Paris, where thousands of art lovers each day could marvel together at her exquisite beauty and craftsmanship.

Rather more, one the other hand, could have been expected of the hooligan who had broken into the museum one night, and, foiling both the Louvre's security guards and state-of-the-art security system, broken into a certain display case and making off with its contents: the right hand of the Winged Victory of Samothrace.

"We're going to find out who did it," announced Lucius Malfoy as soon as he read the news. His breakfast newspaper landed on the kitchen floor, unfinished. "We're going to France."

"France?" repeated his lover and trusty sidekick Severus Snape, incredulously. "Whatever for? It's just a statue, after all, and has nothing to do with us."

"Oh, but this is much more that just a purposeless whim," said Lucius, as he struck a dramatic pose. "You see, I have certain memories of Paris. I will be leaving very soon regardless of whether or not you choose to come with me, but I do believe that this is very much to do with us. For you see, my dear Severus, there is something I wish to tell you, something that I feel is best said in France."

"Gee, I wonder what that could be?" said Severus, with just the slightest hint of a smile on his face. "Don't tell me you're in love with me!"

Lucius pushed back his chair and leapt onto the kitchen table. "Severus!" he reprimanded, placing one arm on his hip and pointing the other heavenwards, "This is no time to be smart! This is a time to pack, because Lucius and Severus are going to France!"

He jumped off the table. "But first, we must inform Narcissa."

*** It seems our story is just beginning to set off. But wait! Why is Lucius so eager to go to France? What is this secret he is referring to? And what will Narcissa Malfoy have to say about all this? Stay tuned for the next episode of ***

*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY ***