Life is confusing. So why live? Why live if it seem you have nothing to live for? Or.. if what you want to live for is something you can't have. And all the times you don't mind being alone, having no one there but silence and that higher power of presence from heaven. And you say you're fine, you don't need anyone. You can fend for yourself. And that you're okay, nothing is wrong.

But once everyone believes that, there's no one else. And when the time comes that you want to curl up into a ball, cover yourself with the sheets and cry into a pillow, you just want some one to hold you, to embrace you and say it's alright and that they're there for you. But I can't have that. No. I can't.

Why?

I've pushed everyone out of my life. Even though I'd love to have so many people surround me, to have such close friends. But to do that, I'd have to let go. Let go of the secrets that cause me so much pain. The secrets I don't want anyone to know about.

And it hurts. The secrets get bigger, they eat away at my very soul and mind. My mind is shattered, my heart broken, and my soul has an empty gap that nothing can fill.. nothing except you.

You are what I look forward to every single second of every minute of every hour in each day. You are what gives me reason to continue on. That small sliver of hope that someday I can have you, and you'll be there for me.

I just want some one who'll hold me. Let me cry to them, some one I can always come to when I need comfort. Some one who will climb under the covers, curl up around me, and dry my tears.

I've never felt this before. I mean, I've felt the emotions and feelings a family can bring, but this kind of feeling is different. And I only get it when you're around. And when you smile, it feels like my hearts skips a beat.

At first I thought we were the worst of enemies. Foes to the very end, competitors. Always fighting for number one. But only 'til now did I realize they were all just excuses.

When I see you, you're always with your friends. And then you see me there, and you pause to glance at me. My expression is emotionless as usual, you nod and continue on. Perhaps if I showed emotion then, right.

It isn't always that simple to change your ways. Like a bad habit. No matter how hard you try, you just have to, that sudden urge to just go right out and do it without thought.

People take me for a cold-hearted, icy, horrible person. I think I'm just another one of those misunderstood teens. One of those teens whom people will judge so easily because of the way they act in public, they judge you for how much money you have, how you dress and talk, the manners you use.

But that isn't going to always show you the truth to some one's life. Like mine of course. They think I've got everything I could ever want. Money. Power. Intellect. Strength. All that is nothing to me, at least, not any more. It used be. I used to think that was all that I needed. But now I see there's more to life that just that.

There's you.

I feel as if something is tearing me apart from the inside. Like that gap in my soul is widening, and that the darkness is consuming me. My sorrow overwhelming my mind. The thought that you'll never be mine. That I'll never have you.

But why? Why can't I have you? Possibly, I don't deserve you?

My life is a sorry hell. I could at least have one thing that would make me happy. Just one. Please. Even just a simple kiss. Or hug, a small embrace. Just to know you really care. That you will be there for me, in any form. Foe, ally, friend, lover, or just a person who cares. Anything..

But it's my fault. My fault you won't get too close. That you hardly speak to me. It's all my fault, isn't it? Because I pushed you away from me, far away. Before I ever learned the truth.

I can feel those cold, salty tears forming. People think I don't cry, that I can't cry. I'm always crying, inside my soul is like a waterfall. It's dangerous in some way. It's all just pouring out, but it's being contained. And if I'm not careful, that container can break easily to the power of this waterfall. And then there will be no more secrets.

My soul will be free and rid of them. But at a costly price, for everyone to know how I feel. How I really am. Do you know why I choose to be the way I am? Because if I show weakness, people will try to take advantage of that.

And with what I have now, I can't afford to have that happen. I don't want to be walked on. Used and abused. Then tossed aside like some toddlers toy. But if I let my waterfall pour out, and people learn of my secrets, and if they try to harm me, will you be there? Will you be there to protect me, to save me?

Will you?

All these questions. That's the real reason I can't do anything about this. Because when I try, all these questions come. And I get nervous, though I don't show it. I get nervous about the risks, what are the chances of each individual thing happening, and then I get scared.

I'm afraid. And not just of all those things I've just stated. But also of you. Because, what are also the chances of you accepting me? There are always the possibilities of rejection. And I couldn't bare that.

I can't tell which is worst. Not knowing the truth, or being rejected. Would I rather just sit here, and think about this every day, or would I rather go, ask, find out the truth, and get rejected.

Who's to say a person like that will want some one like me? I doubt that he would. I thought my life was rough before, well, then I got a look at his life and it takes the prize. The things he goes through make my problems look like second grade math. And that's just pathetic.

I can't stand it. I once heard from a person with a similar problem, and they had told me what they did about it. Of course I had no intention of actually listening. But it caught my attention.

They had said that they had a sort of motto for these kinds of situations. 'It's best to get it over with, than to have to worry about it later.' I had told them that if I did tell, and something went wrong, that it could be devastating to my life.

Well, it was a long conversation, and it happened a while ago, but I remember it so easily. I don't know why, maybe because I think it's important to me somehow.

::Flashback::

"You know, it's better to get it over with, than to have to worry about it later."

".If I just 'got it over with' and say something went wrong. That would be devastating. Devastating to my life."

"Your life, or your REPUTATION."

".both."

"Both? I can understand it being bad for your reputation, but how so for your life?"

"That's none of your business."

"Sorry.. well. How important is this person to you?"

"Very."

"How much is very?"

"My life."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Pardon?"

"If this person is worth risking you life over then I don't see what the problem is."

"Ah, I see what you're saying."

"Yes, I just took what you said, and made you see what you had REALLY said, no?"

"Yes."

"Well?"

"I.. can't."

"."

"I don't want to make a risk like that."

::End flashback::

Yes, I know I'm stubborn. I can be a jerk, and cold. Or even a snob as some people say. But that's me. You can't blame me for who I am. Most of the time it comes natural, but I owe what I am to my foster father, Gozaburo.

But I rather not dwell on those things. They're old memories that I'd rather be forgotten. I've never really had anyone there for me. Sure, I had a father. He died. I had a foster father, he abused me. My life isn't as good as some may think. Though, I suppose everything comes at a price.

The only person there for me right now is my brother. I wish I had more. I don't think that's considered being greedy either. Just wanting more friends. Or actually, just one friend.

I wish I had my love.

For each of his friends, he's always there. When will it be my turn? When?

Sometimes, I wonder how I can call myself so strong, brave, and smart, yet I can't overcome the. This situation. This obstacle.

I've beaten virtual reality twice. I've gotten rid of my no good faster father, and those crooks of his, the Big 5. I saved my brother from Noa and Gozaburo.. mainly Gozaburo. Noa, I suppose, was just under his father's influence.

I've been to the shadow realm. I've witnessed my past life. I've seen and gotten rid of psychotic freaks.

But, when I think about it. During each of these events.. you were there.

You even saved me and my brother from Pegasus. You were always there. And I never wanted you or your help until now. And now is a time I can't have you.

I want you to save me again, because I cannot save myself. I want you to help me with my problem, like you've done so many times before.

But how? How can you? It's not your fault. One cannot solve or help out in a problem they don't know. That is also my fault.

I'm dying now. I'm hurting. And I'm the cause of it. I'm the cause of my own pain. Some one help me. Help me, please. I need you. Only you. Only you can save me from the torture and torment I've placed upon myself.

Only you can lift my burden, free my soul from the chains I've bonded myself to. Only you can break my barrier. And only you can find that path to my heart. To my soul. Only you. Only you can save me from dying.

The question is.

Will you?

If you don't. Am I as good as dead then? And whose fault is it?

Mine right? My own fault for not saying anything about it. For keeping it in until it was too late.

I find that time is coming soon. Will you find out? Or will I die?

Will I tell you? Or will I continue burden myself with this pain? To dig my own grave.

Please tell me.. please help me.. please save me.. hold me. Embrace me.

Only you, and you alone..

Only you..

-------------------

Depressing? Maybe. Blunt? I wouldn't know. Will you wonder if I was feeling this pain while I wrote it? Will you think that maybe this relates to me in some strange way? That's for you to decide.

As you've noticed. This more serious than my other story.. and it's going to turn out yaoi just as a warning to you.

I'm pretty sure you can guess who was thinking this. Sorry if you find it OOC. But inside the mind of a person is different from how they act and what they say. People are complex. The most complex creature God ever created.

And a person's mind can be a mysterious thing. As well as how they decide to use it. How you act is a strange behavior. Some people have habits. Or possibly a pet peeve.

You can be thinking about something, but what you're saying is totally different from that. And people can partially tell your personality with the way you act and speak, as stated above.. somewhere.. yeah..

Anyways, that would explain it if you find it OOC. Oh, and if you're a little dense, no offense, but I know people who would gladly admit they are, feel free to ask me who the person was and whom he is speaking of.

I actually did a pretty good job at keeping it secret until the ending half of it when parts gave it away. ^__^ Well, see you next update. And yes, in due time, I will update.