Shade: Hoo hah, you primates! Another joke-a-minute chapter of your favourite insane fiction, Behind The Game! And, so you know, every episode will end with everyone dieing and then a funeral. How do they become reincarnated, you ask? A wizard did it. And that's all you need to know.

Disclaimer: You know.

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IPPIKIOOKAMI INDUSTRIES PRESENT...

BEHIND THE GAME PART II La Partie Deux D'Auditions

(cut to the Colonel watching TV. He is watching The Simpsons at the moment)

TV Homer: Mmm, free goo.

TV Bart: Don't have a cow, man.

TV Marge: Hrmmmmm...

TV Lisa: I like books.

(the Colonel changes the channel again. Now he's watching an interview with Michael Jackson)

TV Interviewer: Now, Michael, I hear you've finally been inundated for you crimes.

TV Michael: Oh please, man, they're just persecuting me for my heritage.

TV Interviewer: So you're playing the race card?

TV Michael: I just think that the always-whites should apologise for all the crimes they've commited against the recently whites.

Colonel: Heh heh heh, that darn Jackson...

(he changes the channel again. Now it's a live video feed from Otacons computer lab, and a shaking, panicky Otacon)

Otacon: (on screen) The huge monster's still on the loose! He's killing everybody!

(hideous growling in the background)

Colonel: Uh huh.

Otacon: (on screen) I fear for my life!

(human screams are heard in the background)

Mantis: (O/C) HAL!

Otacon: (on screen) Oh shit!

Mantis: (O/C) HELP!

Otacon: (on screen) Oh no! Damn you, monster!

(the Colonel and Snake watch the feed on the TV)

Colonel: Hey, what's THAT all about?

Snake: The monster, Roy.

(long pause)

Snake: Ate half the cast, cracked open their bones, sucked out the marrow...?

Colonel: Shut up.

(Liquid runs in)

Liquid: The Hell-spawn fiend has struck again! The sixth floor is a bloodbath!

Colonel: What the heck's going on around here?

Liquid: The monster. Don't you remember, Campbell?  It all started last week!

(Ripple dissolve to Liquid, standing in the same spot, but with a big, blonde, handlebar moustache)

Liquid: A monster has entered the building! He's killing everyone in sight!

(Colonel sports an identical moustache, only his is white)

Colonel: AAAAAAH! Ready my escape helicoptor!

(Snake has a moustache identical to the rest, but his is brown)

Snake: It's no good! It's smashed the helicoptors! We're trapped!

Colonel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-

(Ripple-dissolve back to present-day Colonel, still screaming)

Colonel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Whew, oh yeah, now I remember. So, uh, uh, where are we on that?

Liquid: On the flesh-eating monster?

Colonel: The WHAT?!

Liquid: THE BLOODSUCKING ALIEN!

Colonel: Ha ha, I know, I gotcha!

(a series of growls and screams are heard from outside)

Snake: Monster got another one!

Colonel: The WHAT?!

Snake: Please, stop saying "the what" when we say "the monster!"

(long pause)

Colonel: ... The WHAT?!

Liquid: ROY! FOR GOD'S SAKES!

(Naomi enters)

Naomi: I may have a plan to kill the monster. I got some of its DNA off of Raven's bones, and we just might be able to kill it if we change the building's air supply! Snake,-

Snake: Yes, yes, we'll discuss your plan after we show your audition tape!

(fade out)

(fade in on Naomi and Snake)

Snake: Now then, Miss Tinkle, we need to test your abilities as a doctor.

Naomi: Alright.

Snake: Now then, what breakthroughs have you made in the field of medical research?

Naomi: I invented a cure for hiccups.

Snake: Very good.

Naomi: I also invented a cure for the 'green apple splatters'.

Snake: And...?

Naomi: Well, there was the pill I made that would cure every single disease and affliction known to humankind.

Snake: WOW! What'd you call it?

Naomi: 'Placebo'

(long silence)

Snake: I like you. You're hired.

(fade out)

(fade in on the situation we had before- the Colonel, Liquid, Snake and Naomi are discussing a plan with Otacon, the latter being shown via video feed)

Otacon: (on screen) ...When I find you, I'm gonna... tickle your insides-

Snake: Otacon.

Otacon: (on screen) - with all my fingers!!

Snake: Otacon!

Otacon: (on screen) I'm gonna pull your legs off!! And I'm gonna-

Snake: OTACON!

Otacon: (on screen, suddenly calm) What?

Snake: Shut your pie hole!

Otacon: (on screen) Okay.

Naomi: Hal, reduce the oxygen levels by 80 percent!

Otacon: (on screen) Okay. (his hands move a slider switch down)

Naomi: And triple the helium levels.

Otacon: Uh... ok... (moves another slider switch up)

Naomi: I said triple the helium! Triple it, damn you!

Otacon: Okay. (moves the slider up again)

Naomi: You see, the monster's lungs... (her voice suddenly raises in pitch) ...they won't be able to process the helium.  So his cell walls are gonna begin to collapse-

Colonel: (high-pitched helium voice) Ha ha, listen to your- oh my God, listen to my voice! *smiling* Hello, my name is Mister Squeaky!

Naomi: (even higher pitched) Colonel, please! This is serious!  Hal, gimme a reading!

Colonel: Oh, yeah, we gotta hear what Hal sounds like!

Otacon: (on screen, and seriously high-pitched) Uhmm, it's yellow...

(the guys, watching Otacon, erupts into uncontrollable laughter)

Otacon: (on screen, and amazingly squeaky) ... Now it's completely red... yellow again, and... look at this crazy thing go...

(A green cloaked-predator arm grabs Otacon from behind and pulls him off screen, where Otacon does some of the highest-pitched screaming in history.  The guys are still laughing.  The predator slides the switch back up, and the atmosphere is returned to normal.)

Snake: (gradually returning to normal pitch) What a bust. *to Naomi* Hey, you got any ideas that don't suck?

Naomi: (still laughing) A-ha, a-ho, oh ho-ho-ho, oh-ho-ho, oh-hooo, ohh... hey! Ocelot has seen a lot of weird stuff. Maybe he can help.

(fade out)

(fade in on Decoy Octopus and Mei Ling sitting by the edge of an indoor swimming pool. Snake enters)

Snake: Hey, have you two seen Ocelot?

Octopus: No, just his bloody trenchcoat.

Mei Ling: And what we think was a nose.

Octopus: Eww.

Snake: Well, we gotta find him. Or what's left of him.

Octopus: Great idea! We'll look in the pool!

Snake: Wait! He's not in the-

(Solidus and Rosemary dive in)

Snake: ... pool.

(camera moves underwater, where Octopus and Mei Ling talk over CODEC)

Mei Ling: Oh, we shouldn't have ditched Snake.

Octopus: Hey, he brought this upon himself.

Mei Ling: What? How?

Octopus: Listen, baby, you need to relax!

Mei Ling: I can't relax around you!

Octopus: Well, you'd better learn.  Because if that monster eats everyone else, we'll have to repopulate the building.

Mei Ling: Eww! That's disgusting!

Octopus: Is it, Mei Ling? ... Mei Ling?

Mei Ling: What?!

(pause)

Octopus: ... Is it?

Mei Ling: Yes! Now quit touching my leg!

(The predator is in the pool. We now see Octopus and Mei Ling from the monster's point of view, in Predator-vision, all orange body-heat and such, with monster hands reaching out for them.)

Octopus: You're touching my leg!

Mei Ling: (looks down) Oh my God! The monster!

Octopus: Save me!

(they both scream for their lives. The pool water turns blood-red as they scream their last. Fade out)

(fade in on Snake walking into Sniper Wolfs hastily-made surgery. Sniper Wolf is standing over a patient on a table. The patient's face is blocked from view by an arrangement of sheets.  Life support machines are heard in the background.)

Snake: Hey, Wolf. Have you seen Ocelot?

Wolf: Yeah, come on over. He's right here.

(the patient is Ocelot. Snake can see what we can't, and is quite disgusted.)

Snake: Augh! Ohh! AUGGGGHHH!

Wolf: Just talk to the hole in his forehead.

Snake: Oh.

Wolf: That's his new ear.

Snake: Shouldn't he be in surgery?

Wolf: Just came from surgery! Twelve hours!

Snake: I didn't know you were a surgeon.

Wolf: I read 'Massive Reconstruction Surgery For Dummies'.

Snake: Better then most surgeons I know. But, uh, where's his... face?

Wolf: I would say it's in the monster's belly or, somewhere lower in the gastrointestinal canal if in fact that monster does have one of those. I don't know. I don't know the anatomy of a monster. I know human beings and some of the larger canines.

Snake: Right. *to Ocelot* Ocelot, you're the only one to face the monster and live... kinda. What can you tell us? How can we defeat him?

Ocelot: *replies with hideous unintelligible gurgling, gagging and bubbling throat noises*

Snake: *listening intently* Right.

Ocelot: *more horrid gurgling*

Snake: Mmm hmm.

Ocelot: *more gurgling and burbling*

Snake: Uh huh.

Ocelot: *more gurgling*

Snake: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

Ocelot: *still more gurgling*

Snake: I see.

Ocelot: *gurgles away*

Snake: Sure.

Ocelot: *gurgles*

Snake: Yes! It's crazy enough to work! Thanks, Ocelot!

Ocelot: *gurgles a question*

Snake: No! No, no... you look good! *grimaces* Looking good... looking good, Ocelot... good looking Ocelot. You look just as good as you did at your audition.

(Snake quickly leaves the room)

Ocelot: *gurgles a question at Wolf*

Wolf: Yes, I'm sure you're quite thirsty indeed. But until the sutures have-

(suddenly, we see Sniper Wolf in Predator-vision)

Wolf: Oh my God! Welcome to my surgery, you magnificent creature! You must be good, as you got past my wolves!

(back in normal vision, the monster spits a green substance into Sniper Wolfs eyes)

Wolf: Yeeeeowwwoww! *still content* You have spit some sort of corrosive substance directly into my eyes! You are a perfect killing machine! And I for one am honoured to be among your helpless-

(the monster extends a curved blade from its arm, and goes to work on Wolf. We fade out. Even though the screen is black, we still hear Wolf flattering the monster in between screams and slices)

(fade in on Vulcan Raven in a go-kart, driving towards Wolfs surgery while carrying his minigun)

Raven: Hang tight, Wolf! I'll pump that bastard so full of lead, you could use his dick as a pencil! *starts singing 'Ride Of The Valkyries' from Apocalypse Now* Dun-dun da-da da da, dun da-da da da...

(he drives the go-kart offscreen)

Raven: (O/C) Oh fuck! Mother nature no! Not there, it doesn't fit- YEEEEEAAAAARRRGGGGH!

(the go-kart is driven back on-screen by the monster)

(cut to Liquid and the Colonel watching the monster on a screen in the control room)

Colonel: Oh, nice job Raven! Now that fucking thing has wheels!

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake in the boiler room with Grey Fox)

Grey Fox: *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

Snake: *reassuringly* That's why I'm putting you in here. It's the safest place! Now, I've gotta go, and get rid of that mean old monster.

Grey Fox: *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

Snake: Ah, don't worry about me, I'll be back! Who's your number one buddy, huh?   Huh? Who's number one?

Grey Fox: *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

Snake: Okay.

Grey Fox: *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

Snake: Sure! We'll go see the turtles, I promise! Now, just to be extra safe, I need you to put on that vest.

Grey Fox: *speaks his insane psycho-babble, and puts on a vest that reveals to be made out of meat, with sausage straps*

Snake: Hey, looking sharp! *winks and exits*

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake, Liquid and the Colonel watch the video feed from the boiler room from the control room)

Colonel: So, it's just us three and the crazy guy left, right?

Snake: Yeah, but don't worry. This plan is foolproof.

Colonel: How's that go again?

Snake: Using ninja boy as bait, we lure the monster into the boiler room, where the heating fire burns.

Liquid: Nice touch with the meat vest!

(on screen, Grey Fox babbles)

Liquid: That's right, crazy boy! Burn both your brain cells!

Snake: After the monster goes in there, we fill the room with gas. BOOM! That place goes off like the fourth of July.

Colonel: What about crazy horse, there?

Snake: Who cares?

Colonel: Right! Liquid, can you get us more of a view of the boiler room?

(the computer appears to be covered in a brown, sticky liquid)

Liquid: *digusted* Hang on, someone spilled chocolate juice all over the electronics!

(Colonel sips a glass of chocolate juice)

Liquid: I just gotta- gzzazzz!

(Liquid touches a knob on the computer and gets violently electrocuted. He slumps over the computer, dead. The picture disappears from the monitor)

Colonel: Jeez, way to go Liquid! You broke the monitor, AND you're dead! Happy?

(one final bolt of electricity zaps through Liquids body, causing him to twitch. The picture returns to the screen)

Colonel: Oh, okay, that fixed it.

Snake: *looking at screen* Christ! The monster has taken the bait!

(cut to Grey Fox and the monster. For those of you who don't understand Grey Fox's babble, or Predator speak, subtitles are in [])

Grey Fox: [Are you going to eat me?]

Monster: [Yeah, that's kinda what I do.]

Grey Fox: [How come?]

Monster: [Oh... no one has ever asked me that before. They just scream at me. And all that screaming really upsets me. So I eat them.

Grey Fox: [No one is ever nice to me, either. It's because I'm... insane.]

Monster: [Hey, you're not insane! Just a little creative in your mind.]

Grey Fox: [Thanks. You're nice.]

Monster: [Will you be my... friend?]

Grey Fox: [Yes!]

(the monster and Grey Fox reach out to touch fingertips, ET-style. The monster seems to hesitate)

(we cut to Snake and the Colonel watching this on screen)

Colonel: Look! The monster's repulsed by the very insanity of Grey Fox's touch!

Snake: But Colonel! This-

Colonel: Quiet! Don't you get it?! All we have to do is go insane! And to do that, we must first become disgustingly fat! To the pudding vats!

(we cut back to Grey Fox and the monster. They touch fingers, and there's a spark. Grey Fox withdraws in pain, his finger burnt and blackened)

Grey Fox: [Ow! You burnt my finger you ugly stupid stinking monster!]

Monster: [Oh no! I'm sorry. Sorry you're so freaking insane!]

Grey Fox: [You said I was creative!]

Monster: [Guess your insanity passed onto me.]

Grey Fox: [I thought we were friends.]

Monster: [Insanity makes you do crazy things.]

(the monster dissolves into a beam of light, and zaps away)

(we cut over to Snake and the Colonel outside the food hall)

Snake: Uh, I'm not sure about your plan to get really fat, sir. I think-

Colonel: Snake!

Snake: Yes, sir?

Colonel: Is there ever a bad time for pudding?!

*pause*

Colonel: SNAKE!

Snake: What?

Colonel: Is there?

(fade to black)

36 months later...

(fade in. Snake and the Colonel are disgustingly fat and shirtless. They sit at a buffet table piled high with food. They are stuffing their faces)

Colonel: Hey, try one of those hams. They're stuffed with hot wings!

Snake: Colonel, I can't keep eating like this. And for all we know the monster is long gone.

Colonel: Hey! Until we both go insane, the only thing I want to hear from you is "mmm, mmm, mmm..."

Snake: Yes, sir. *belches loudly* Too bad about Grey Fox, though.

Colonel: Yeah, he tasted terrible.

(both of them erupt into jolly laughter. Suddenly, Snake grimaces)

Snake: Ooh, ooh, ooh, stop! My left arm is tingling!

Colonel: Uh, maybe this will help! *he farts really loudly and laughs*

Snake: Seriously! I'm having... a heart attaaaaa...

(Snake falls off his chair with a loud thump)

Colonel: Snake?

(the Colonel wheels his chair over to Snakes lifeless body, putting his arms around it)

Colonel: If you don't want me to eat you, say something!

(pause)

Colonel: Okay.

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Shade: There you have it, the second chapter of Behind the Game. If you want to put in suggestions of any sort, the please post them in a review OR send me an e-mail! And remember to visit my website at:

www.freewebs.com/shadewolf

And as always, review!