Shade: That's right, my babies, another episode of Behind The Game. Ever notice how the last episode of this didn't really have anything to do with the game? That's right! This is becoming what I like to call a 'random fic'. It has a loose storyline (everyone who was in the game working behind the scenes) but will mostly be random. It's like every other comedy fic!

However, I know you people like reading shit that is 'behind the game', so next time it will be the guys talking about... Snake. Alright?

Disclaimer: Go fuck yourselves.

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BEHIND THE GAME

PART IIIA

MERYL WANTS A BABY

(fade into Meryl upright in her bed)

Meryl: I gotta have a baby, I gotta have a baby, I gotta have a baby!

(fade out)

(fade in on Nastasha showing a group of children a set used in Metal Gear Solid)

Nastasha: This area here was created for the torture scenes. Over here you can see the fake blood used in the ketchup bottle that Snake used to escape with.

Child 1: How'd you make fake blood?

Nastasha: Good question! The IT technician, Otacon, searched the global archives of a thing called the 'internet'.

Child 2: What's an internet?

Nastasha: Another good question! Now, for a treat, can anyone tell me what the Internet was, and how it almost destroyed humankind in the year 2004?

(Meryl runs past in her underwear)

Nastasha: What the...?

Meryl: (O/C) I must have a baby!

Nastasha: Sweet Chechnikov, her clock went off! That sweet girl's about to embark on a magical journey. Most powerful thing in the world is the love of a woman for a child.

(a child tugs Nastashas pants)

Child 3: Uhmm, Miss Romanenko...

Nastasha: Listen fatty! I told you once! You can either hold it, or you can just pee in those fancy clothes you're wearing!

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl cradling an M4 in her arms by the pool)

Meryl: A baby. What was I thinking? I'm a soldier. I'm trained in weapons! Like this little guy! (pats her M4) You my little baby, my cute little-

(the M4 slips and falls into the pool)

Meryl: Oh! My baby! My baby my baby!

(cut to Snake, Liquid and Raven walking down the hall outside the pool)

Snake: Oh yeah, snowboarding. Well, I'm going Sunday-

Meryl: (O/C) Help! Somebody save my baby!

Liquid: Come on!

(they run into the pool room, and stand next to Meryl)

Snake: Meryl, what's wrong?!

Meryl: You gotta save my little baby!

(the M4 is at the bottom of the kiddie-pool)

Raven: From what, resting about ten centimetres below water?

Liquid: It's not hurting anyone, Meryl, let it stay.

Meryl: Why is people who don't have kids are always telling people with kids how to raise-

Snake: Kids?! Meryl, are you okay?

Meryl: If you're not gonna help, get out of the way! I've got a million things to do! Find a good preschool, and- oh my God- vaccinations! Ohhh!! *screams*

(fade out)

(fade in outside Nastashas room. She and Ocelot stand there, talking)

Ocelot: Yeah, so then Meryl just freaked out, and ran down the hall. Yelling about babies.

Nastasha: Well, a woman's natural urges can be mighty powerful.

Ocelot: Ho, yeah, you said a mouthful there, Nastasha. Heh heh heh. So, umm *rubs head*, how you been?

Nastasha: Actually, I have been a little under the weather.

Ocelot: Sounds like you need a shot of Vitamin O. *winks*

Nastasha: You know, I think I do.

Ocelot: It's a pretty big needle.

Nastasha: I get it. Come on in.

Ocelot: This doctor makes house calls! *winks*

Nastasha: I get it!

Ocelot: Oh, you're going to get it!

Nastasha: Would you just get in here?!

Ocelot: Oh, I'm going to get it in there.

Nastasha: Alright already!

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake and Liquid talking)

Snake: So Mei thinks this is all about her biological clock. And I-

Liquid: You mean M? She stopped screaming at you long enough to tell you this?

Snake: What are you talking about?!

Liquid: See, I identify people by their first initial. So your 'Meryl' is M.

Snake: And what do you call Mei Ling?

Liquid: *whispers* Asian M.

Snake: Whoa whoa whoa, why is she "Asian M"?

Liquid: No, not in a bad way. It's just to tell them apart because she's... Asian.

Snake: Well why don't you call her M and the other one... *whispers* "White M."

Liquid: What?! That's stupid! I already know she's white!

Snake: Then why do you call the other "Asian M"? You know she's Asian!

Liquid: Hey, first off, I don't think we should be talking about this in front of *whispers* Josh D. Blanco.

(Josh D. Blanco is revealed right next to them)

Josh: Ha ha ha! Listen, Liquid, you're missing the point. What is everyone went around calling you "White Liquid"?

Liquid: Y-you mean there's an... Asian Liquid?

(long pause)

Josh: ... No.

(fade out)

(fade in on all of the male cast sitting down in front of Meryl)

Meryl: *still holding the M4 under her arms* Alright, people, listen up. Mother Nature has spoken, and I want to have a baby. Now, I don't have a lot of time, so one of you is gonna be the lucky father.

Mantis: Sweet.

Meryl: Screening process starts tomorrow, bright and early!

(Meryl leaves)

Colonel: So, uh, am I eliminated because I'm her father?

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl and the Colonel in a meeting room)

Meryl: Now, Colonel Campbell.

Colonel: Hi!

Meryl: Hi. Now, sir, why do you think I should choose you, to father my baby?

Colonel: ... Huh? Well, I mean, I thought that you were going to, uh, well I mean, adopt one of us.

Meryl: What?!

Colonel: Mmm-hmm.

Meryl: Colonel, I want one of you to impregnate me.

Colonel: ... Okay...

(pause)

(after a moment Meryl sighs and leans over to whisper in the Colonels ear)

Colonel: Mmm-hmm...

Meryl: *whisper whisper* the man...

Colonel: Yeah...

Meryl: *whisper whisper* the lady...

Colonel: Sure.

Meryl: *whisper whisper* baby!

Colonel: Well, as long as the baby doesn't touch my stash.

Meryl: Your what?!

Colonel: Heh heh, *he sticks on a fake handlebar moustache* Moustache.

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl, cradling the M4 again. She's in staff room, with the big plasma screen TV)

Meryl: Next!

(Liquid walks in)

Liquid: (holds up a videotape) I've decided to let my tape do the talking.

Meryl: *sarcastic* Oh, this will be great.

(the video is put into the VCR and plays. The screen shows Liquid in a Hugh Hefner-style red robe, lounging in an armchair)

TV Liquid: Hello ladies, and preferably not, gentlemen. Liquid Snake at your service. But who is Liquid Snake-  

(the image scrambles and is replaced with a live feed from Mantis' lair)

Mantis: (on screen) Hey! Mantis wants some sex!

Liquid: Bugger off, Mantis! My tape is playing!

Mantis: (on screen) Shut up! Meryl, get down here! Give Mantis some sex!

Liquid: Mantis, this isn't funny!

Mantis: (on screen) It'll be pretty funny when I smash you with a statue!

Liquid: Okay, I'm coming down there! *runs out of the room*

Mantis: (on screen) Shut up!

Meryl: Well now, Mantis...

Mantis: (on screen) Shut up!

Meryl: Uh, okay... why d you think you'd be a good father?

Mantis: (on screen) Ummmm... gimmie a second... *scratches butt* uhh... Sex!

(Otacon comes in and turns off the TV)

Otacon: Okay Meryl, forget about Mantis.

Meryl: Okay...

Otacon: I've got something for you.

Meryl: What is it?

Otacon: A book.

Meryl: What's the book?

Otacon: "A Modest Proposal"

Meryl: By who?

Otacon: Jonathan Swift.

Meryl: And what is this book about?

(pause)

Otacon: Eating babies.

(cut to Liquid storming down a hallway)

Liquid: Stupid Mantis, I'll show him a statue! Now where the hell IS his BDSM room?!

(Mei Ling bumps into him in the hallway)

Mei Ling: Oh, hey Liquid!

Liquid: Hey Chiii... Mei Ling! *pause* Hey, do you like dim sims?

Mei Ling: Now what in the hell is-

(cut to Meryl and Otacon)

Meryl: - that supposed to mean?!

Otacon: Like veal. Only, babies.

Meryl: What?!

Otacon: And I'm talking about REAL baby back ribs.

Meryl: *disgusted* Ewww!

Otacon: See, it all comes-

(cut to Liquid and Mei Ling)

Liquid: - down to the fact that you all have more fast-twitch muscle fibre.

Mei Ling: Liquid Snake, I have heard some dumb theories in my time, but this is, without a doubt-

(cut to Meryl and Otacon)

Meryl: - the foulest thing I have ever heard!

Otacon: Rrrrribs! Dripping with sauce!

Meryl: That's disgusting!

Otacon: Falling off the bone!

Meryl: You sick bastard!

Otacon: Hey, just trying to help a single mother.

Meryl: I am surrounded by freaks!

(the doors open, and Liquid runs in. We hear Mei Ling's angry shouts in the background)

Liquid: Man, don't go out there. That Chinese chick is crazy!

Meryl: The only way this could possibly get worse-

(the doors open again, and Ocelot enters. Mei Ling is still shouting in the hall)

Ocelot: The doctor... is in!

Meryl: - is that.

(Ocelot slides off his trench coat and shirt)

Meryl: Oh God.

(Ocelot starts up some cowboy music on the staff room boom box)

Meryl: Ugh.

(Ocelot, now wearing nothing but a pair of cowboy boots, Speedos and carrying a pistol in each hand)

Ocelot: You know you love it. (does a split, and balances on his hands) I got this one... unh...

Meryl: Eww!

Ocelot: (stands up, turns around and flexes his back muscles) I call this the Russianator!

Meryl: Ugh! Yeah, nice backne.

Ocelot: Well, what do you think, baby?

(music stops)

Meryl: If I ever want an old cowboy freak baby, I'll call you.

Ocelot: (starts putting his clothes back on) Yeah, well, he better keep his flippers off my stash.

(The doors open, and Snake walks in. Mei Ling is still screaming her head off out there. Some funky porno-style music starts in the background)

Snake: Not so fast, Ocelot. *to Meryl* So, Meryl, last night I put on some classic military orchestra music and fired out 200 5.56 rounds to express my superior paternal qualifications.

Meryl: *impressed* 200 rounds?

Snake: You like that, don't you baby?

(Snake goes behind Meryl, and they start grinding against each other)

Meryl: Oh yeah... yeah!

Snake: Then I went to the target range. Fired off some Five-seveN shots.

Meryl: Uh-huh!

Snake: Let off a few grenades.

Meryl: Oh!

Snake: You like that?

(they start to grind faster)

Meryl: Oh yeah, soldier boy! Yes! Yes!! I love your muscles! They're so strong!

(the Colonel, who has been sitting in a corner the entire time, notices what's going on)

Colonel: Jeez, stop that! Mommy, don't talk like that! Get away from my mommy!

(Snake and Meryl stop, and so does the music)

Meryl: Man, that was intense. Glad I'm wearing a panty liner.

Liquid: What makes Snake so great?!

Meryl: Strong men are just... really sexy.

Liquid: I'm as strong as him!

Snake: Really? I can bench 250.

Liquid: ... really?

Snake: Why do you think they call me *flexes muscles* 'Solid' Snake?

Liquid: Um, I thought it was a nickname. You know, like "Doctor Dre'".  *does a complicated hand signal* East si-ide!

(long pause)

Otacon: God, you're stupid.

Liquid: Shut your pie hole!

Otacon: You shut YOUR pie hole!

(suddenly, though not surprisingly, everyone starts talking at once.)

Meryl: SHUT UP!

Ocelot: Aah!

(everyone shuts up)

Meryl: What was I thinking?! Look at you! To think I was actually gonna let one of you father my baby?! Ha! I could carve a better father out of a pineapple! Who needs a baby? I've got a group of full-grown babies right here! So you can all just forget it!

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl in bed, and the Colonel is standing next to the bed, taking his clothes off. He's wearing his fake handlebar moustache)

Colonel: Do you want the moustache on or off?

Meryl: Off, please.

Colonel: Too bad.

(fade out)

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Shade: Alright, half time break, so go jerk off if you need to. Sick bastards. Anyway, here are a few summary notes on the chapter:

Josh D Blanco- Writes under the name 'jduran89', and is Filipino. I put him in because of that.

"A Modest Proposal"- This was an actual pamphlet done by Jonathan Swift about the famine in Ireland. However, they had a huge boom in the number of babies. So, in a satirical response, he wrote this about how the hunger problem could be solved if they just ate the babies. You would wish I was making this up, but I'm not. Here's a quote from it:

"I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend, or his own family to dine with him."

And now, onto the next half!

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BEHIND THE GAME

PART IIIB

FENG SHUI VIDEO GAME

(fade in on the Colonel and Otacon in the main control room. The Colonel looks out the window at the bleak Alaskan waste out there and sighs. Otacon keeps looking at hentai on his computer.)

Colonel: GUH!

Otacon: Aah!

Colonel: I am SO sick of this crap tank!

Otacon: Man...

Colonel: Day in, day out, same old insulated brick and metal walls, same old two-foot thick glass... *taps the glass* keeping the same old stupid high-powered freezing winds from coming inside and killing us all! I need... a CHANGE!

Otacon: Uh, I don't think your hair can take another perm, Campbell.

Colonel: Nor do I. But I'm talking about Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese study of harmony with one's surroundings.

Otacon: Oh yeah, I-

Colonel: So, I've hired the best Feng Shui guy in the business to come down here and get my Yin and Yang in balance, 'cause I FRIGGING LOVE HARMONY!!!

(the Colonel moves out of the control room)

Otacon: I have got to up his Valium dosage.

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel greeting Master Lou, the feng shui expert)

Colonel: Welcome to the Konami Alaska HQ, Master Lou!

Master Lou: Right, yeah... This place is a dump.

Colonel: That's why we're going to rebuild the entire place! The control room, the boiler room, the air filters...

Master Lou: Ho, ho, ho, wait, wait. Wait. I know you're excited, but you know Feng Shui costs, like, ungodly amounts of money, alright?

Colonel: Whatever, its all taxpayer money. So go nuts! Pad the hell out of it.

Master Lou: Heh... yeah, well, don't worry about that.

Colonel: First up, my crapper! That's where I really focus a lot on my Chi.

(pause)

Master Lou: *suspicious* Don't mess with me!

(pause)

Colonel: *shrugs* Okay.

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonels bathroom. Whatever it may have looked like before, the Colonel's new restroom is a wonder to behold. A solid gold toilet sits upon a raised platform, in the shade of an Oriental-style gazebo, with two Maneki Neko statues in front. A red carpet leads from the toilet to a wooden bridge, which crosses a decorative stream, complete with swimming fish. Paintings of cresting waves adorn the shimmering walls. The Colonel and Lou admire the spectacle.)

Colonel: Lou, I'm... speechless!

Master Lou: Yeah, you know... a fifty thousand dollar toilet will do that... You know that's how much that costs, right?

Colonel: Mmm-hmm.

Master Lou: I mean, just so we're clear, before we rip out the Cafeteria.

Colonel: I'll, uh... I'll catch up, uh... I gotta get, er, something, er, down on paper.

Master Lou: Oh- oh, you gotta get- I, I gotcha. Bathroom humor. That's great. You know any funny stuff about farts?

Colonel: Yeah.

(fade out)

(fade to Master Lou on the phone)

Master Lou: *into phone* Oh yeah, man, it's a goldmine. Insane amounts of money... No, man, he thinks I invented Feng Shui, you believe that? He's, like, "Captain Trusting..." Oh, yeah, you got a pen? *he produces a small card* Here's the social...

(fade out)

(fade in on Mei Ling and Otacon. In the background we hear the noises of power tools and construction)

Mei Ling: *covering her ears* What's going on out there?!

Otacon: *still concentrating on his hentai* Oh, Campbell hired a Feng Shui dude to redecorate the joint.

Mei Ling: Feng Shui?! That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?!

Otacon: Selling pot...

(long pause)

Otacon: ... holders... *holds up a handmade potholder* ... made of hemp...

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel and Master Lou sitting at a table laid out with an impressive spread of Oriental food. Raven stands across from them, wearing a traditional Oriental chefs outfit.)

Colonel: Yeah, so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?" Ahahahahahahaha *wipes tear from his eye*, I kill myself. Hahahahaha...

Master Lou: Yeah! Sexist and racist. Wow. Two in one. You have a gift.

Colonel: Hahaha, yeah, I got a tonne of them! So Raven, what am I eating here anyway?

Raven: Korean! For starters, musangchae. Then, bibimbap, with a kochujang pepper sauce, and this little guy over here, is a side of kimchi.

Colonel: No kidding.

Master Lou: Yeah, uh, kim, uh-

Raven: Kimichi.

Master Lou: - uh, chi, er, kimichi, dates back like a thhhh... uh, dates back a thousand years, to the uh... Ding Dong dynasty.

Colonel: Oh, sure, the Ding Dongs. Say, let's put some wind chimes up around here, whaddya say?

Master Lou: Colonel, listen to me. How can a wind chime work when you live in an airtight structure without any wind?

Colonel: *thinks about this for a while, then slowly nods in wonder* Is there nothing we can't learn when we look to the East?

Master Lou: Dude, that's why we're selling you the golden fans. To generate the wind.

(fade out)

(fade in on Octopus poking his pet stingray with a stick. Mei Ling enters)

Mei Ling: Hey, Octopus! Has anyone checked out this Master Lou guy?

Octopus: Stingray softly sleeps,

            My probing will not wake him,

            Sweet dreams, little one.

Mei Ling: What?!

Octopus: Haiku, baby! I just bought Master Lou's best selling book! Only $99.95!

(Octopus holds up a bunch of loose-leaf papers stapled together, with the title "How to Write Hikoo - By Master Lou" and the subheading "A Real Book" crudely lettered on the front page)

Mei Ling: Wait a minute!

Octopus: Hold on, I feel a haiku coming on...

(he continues to poke the stingray)

Octopus: I poke, poke his face,

            And yet he still ignores me,

            Poke, poke, poke, poke, pooooooke.

(fade out)

(fade in on Master Lou and the Colonel in the air-purification room. It's filled with a row of massive transparent bubbling water-filled tubes connected to some equipment)

Master Lou: This is all crap. I don't know who put these tubes here, but they've got to go. Okay, you need rocks, and wood and leaves and... you know.

Colonel: Hmm... I think we need those...

(ripple dissolve to Colonel and Otacon in the same room, but both have the traditional handlebar moustaches. Otacon is indicating some crude drawings and the chemical formula H2O (+-) NaCHO3 - O2 on a chalkboard with a laser pointer. He lectures the Colonel as a Kindergarten teacher would.)

Otacon: And that, Captain, is how these vaporators, make breathable air from the snow and bitter cold air outside. Any questions?

Colonel: Uh, yeah, can I borrow your moustache comb?

Otacon: ... No.

(ripple back to normal)

Colonel: Nope, guess not. Rip 'em out!

Master Lou: Excellent.

(fade out)

(fade in on Mei Ling at the phone)

Mei Ling: *to herself while dialling* I don't trust that Master Lou as far as I can throw him. I'm going to find out what's going on around here...

(the phone is answered on the other end, and a bland male voice answers*

Voice: FBI.

Mei Ling: Yeah, hi. I need you to run a background check on a "Master Lou," which may be an alias.

Voice: I'll just type that in.

(typing is heard in the background)

Voice: How'd you hear about us?

Mei Ling: My mother.

Voice: Okay, here's the results. He's wanted for fraud, theft by fraud, aaand- oh! Murder.

Mei Ling: I knew it!

Voice: Will you be needing anything else today, sir or ma'am?

Mei Ling: No, thank you.

Voice: Would you like to take advantage of our Wiretap Wednesdays?

Mei Ling: No, no, thank you.

Voice: No, thank you!

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake, Sniper Wolf and Liquid. Liquid has a throwing star, and Wolf has a pair of nunchucks. They are all barefoot)

Liquid: Check out this bitchin' shuriken Master Lou sold me!  Only a hundred bucks!

Wolf: I got nunchaku. *to Snake* What'd you get?

Snake: Uh... *pulls out a small origami swan* ... this crappy-ass bird.

(both Liquid and Wolf start laughing)

Snake: And, *pulls out a large Japanese sword* This ceremonial KATANA!

(Wolf and Liquid gape)

Snake: *draws and twirls a smaller, but similar, blade* With TANTO!

(Mei Ling enters)

Mei Ling: Hey! Where's Master Lou?

(the other three look at Mei Ling's feet)

Snake: Whoa, whoa, take your shoes off!

Liquid: Don't disrespect our dojo!

Mei Ling: Shut up. Master Lou...

(dramatic pause)

Mei Ling: Is an impostor!

(a moment's pause, and then everyone breaks into laughter)

Liquid: Girl, you may be hot, but you're an idiot! Hee hee hee-

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel and Master Lou look proudly upon where the vaporator equipment used to be. It is now all a mass of bamboo, stone arrangements, and a banner.)

Colonel: Ha ha ha! Good call on the bamboo, Lou!

Master Lou: Feels good, huh?

Colonel: Now let's put a Zen garden in the Pool Room. Hee hee hee hee hya ha ha ha! I feel kinda... light-headed, heh heh...

Master Lou: Yeah. You wanna totally ride that feeling, 'cause I'm stoked about this decision.

Colonel: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Master Lou: Yeah, man, hey.  Someone had told me that you're famous...

Colonel: Yeah?

Master Lou: So can I get your autograph?

(Master Lou produces the Deed to the HQ. Both he and the Colonel explode into more laughter.)

Colonel: Ha ha ha, yeah, alright...

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake, Liquid and Sniper Wolf still laughing. Liquid is eating potato chips.)

Liquid: Ha ha ha, duuuuuuuuuuuude...

Mei Ling: Listen to me people! *chuckles* He's swindled Konami out of millions!

(more laughing)

Liquid: What if the whole world *eats a chip* was like a giant video game?

Wolf: Hiyaaa! *whacks Liquid over the head with her nunchucks and grabs the chips*

Liquid: *laughs with everyone else* Ha ha, gimmie back my chips!

(the screen comes to life and Otacon is on it)

Otacon: (on screen) Hey, the vaporators have stopped working! Ha ha ha ha!

(Naomi enters)

Naomi: Nitrogen narcosis! Nitrogen narcosis is, heh heh heh, potentially fatal!

Otacon: And the reactors are offline! Ha ha! Hey, get Mantis onto this screen! Hahaha...

(everyone is laughing uncontrollably when Snake flips a switch and Mantis appears on screen. He's dressed up as a Geisha, with complete makeup)

Mantis: (on screen) Hai!

(everyone bursts into laughter again)

Mei Ling: Ha ha ha, hey, what're you doing?!

(Mantis moves the camera to show that the boiler room has had all the equipment replaced with Oriental-style paper walls)

Mantis: (on screen) Master Lou ripped out all the electronics! Turned the Reactor Room into a Japanese bath house!

Mei Ling: And forced you to dress like a Geisha?!

Mantis: (on screen) Uh, no! That was my idea! Why don't you come on down? Give you a body shampoo!

Mei Ling: *turns the screen off* With no vaporator, heh, and no heating, we're doomed!

(more laughter)

Liquid: Duuuuuude.

Snake: Oh man, that's great. Let's all go to the Pool Room and swim...

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel and Master Lou enter the Pool Room, which is now a Zen Garden complete with stone arrangements and wooden footbridge.)

Colonel: Ah ha ha ha, this, this Feng Shui stuff is great!

Master Lou: Look, I gotta, uh, I gotta skate. And you're totally outta money, right?

Colonel: Mmm-hmm.

Master Lou: So, uh, how do I get out of here and NOT go into the freezing Alaskan wastes?

(Snake, Liquid, Wolf and Mei Ling enter)

Mei Ling: Hold it right there, Lou! The FBI told me all about you!

Master Lou: Those guys, like, totally hate me. Hey, uh, if you remember, what did they tell ya about, uh, this?! *his body suddenly glows green and floats into the air, swirling with spectral energies*

Liquid: Mother- holy bajeezus!

Wolf: My God!

Colonel: Away! *dives into the pool*

Master Lou: You see this? See, see how my body's glowing like that? Yeah, lotta people can't do that. Come get some of this glowing!

(Ninja suddenly jumps in)

Ninja: Okay, bitch! Come get some of this ninja!

Master Lou: Okay... you want some. You want some of the glowing. Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit. I read that somewhere. But I'll do it.

(Ninja and Master Lou leap into the air, and land on the wooden bridge facing each other in fighting stances, fighting-game style. They even have little icons and health meters floating above them. Pounding music starts as the word "FIGHT" appears in the middle of the screen. Ninja delivers a series of kicks to Lou's face, with video-game-style sound effects.)

(we zoom out, until we pop out of a TV and see Shade and his friend The James playing this game on the PS2)

The James: Face hit! Face hit!

Shade: This game is stupid, you spend an hour hanging wind chimes and then you fight?! What kind game is that?!

The James: Somersault, back kick, kick 'im in the back of the head, that's right Ninja-

Shade: - Hey, time out-

The James: - Hit 'im in the face again!

Shade: - Time out, my controller... uh, it's not working!

The James: Face hit!

Shade: Would you quit it?!

The James: Look at that! Look at how bad I'm beating you!

Shade: You know I, I slept wrong on my wrist two weeks ago, and it's unfair that you're making me play with my hands.

The James: Have you no shame? Get your dead arse up and fight me!

Shade: The James, for real, can we just time out a minute?

The James: No, you're dead. And I'm gonna desecrate your corpse.

Shade: You know what?! Video games are forbidden! *drops his controller* From now on! I'm not kidding! *walks away*

The James: That's right, get outta here. Ooh, sweet! It's the balloon stage! I'm solo on this. *continues playing* Bonus coconut!

(Shade returns, carrying a cricket bat)

Shade: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!

The James: Uh oh.

Shade: Yeagrh! *smashes the PS2 with his bat*

The James: Hey!

Shade: Rargh! *smashes into the console again, breaking the CD)

The James: Don't!

Shade: Here's your joy stick! *smashes The James' controller*

The James: I washed cars all month to get that game!

Shade: Well it's broken now, and guess what?   I'm gonna go break everything in your room-

The James: Don't you dare do that!

Shade: - because you're very disobedient!

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Yoriko: Because Simon and the James are fighting, I guess I'll do the outro... uhmm... have fun? ^^

(A/N: That fight is loosely based on a time when The James and myself played Tekken Tag Tournament. It ended in a very similar way, except that all I did was pull the power out. And the outro was really written by Yoriko, my girlfriend. I told her to just give a goodbye to the readers, and she did. So feel special, you fucking hippies!)