Shade: Well, I lied. This chapter isn't about Snake at all, it's just more randomness. But this time, it doesn't fit in a storyline. Wait, that's just like the others!

Readers: Get on with it!

Shade: Shut up! *cough* Anyway, enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexay it huuuuuurts!

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PART THE FIRST

ICE STATION ZEBRA

(fade in on Snake and Liquid playing the same game that Shade and the James were playing at the end of the last chapter, but instead of controlling Grey Fox and Master Lou, they play as Shade and the James)

Snake: (to Liquid) Oh, you want some more?

Liquid: No, wait...

Snake: You want some more of this?!

Liquid: Where's that blasted pixie?!

Snake: I don't know, and I don't care, 'cause check this out... BONUS COCONUT!

Liquid: Goddammit, I HATE this game!

(the image on the TV changes to that of an ice station sitting on the edge of a glacier, in the midst of a fierce snowstorm)

Ice Station Crewmember 1: (on screen) Help!

Otacon: (stops looking at his hentai) What?! Holy crap, that's Ice Station Zebra!

(image on TV changes to the Ice Station Crewmember inside the building)

Crewmember 1: (on screen) Thank God you're catching our signal! We ran out of food a month ago, and my partner... (whispers) He's going to eat me!

Otacon: What?

(footsteps are heard off-screen on the TV)

Ice Station Crewmember 2: (on screen) Hey, what's, uh... what's going on here?

Crewmember 1: (on screen) Nothing! Nothing's going on.

Otacon: This is the Konami Alaskan Headquarters, what's your status?

Crewmember 1: (on screen) He's tryin' to- (he's shoved below screen by Crewmember 2 to keep him from being heard)

Crewmember 2: (on screen) We're fine, we're... we're just fine. (chuckles) He's just wiggin' out... Heh, aren't you, guy?

Crewmember 1: (on screen) Uh...

Crewmember 2: (on screen) Seasonal Affective Disorder.

(Naomi, who has been listening, walks in)

Naomi: Well, it sounds like he needs urgent medical attention. We're going to check it out.

Crewmember 2: (on screen) No! I mean, there's no r-... There's really no need for something like that to happen, right?

Crewmember 1: (on screen) (Sticks head up) Yes there is! (Gets pushed back down)

Snake: Okay, we're on our way. (grabs the PA system mic) Everyone! Meet up at the Konami submarine, the 'RETRO'!

Crewmember 2: (on screen) Seriously, guys we're fine here. Mmm-hmm. Hello?

(fade out)

(fade in on the inside of Ice Station Zebra, where both crew members are hunched over, covering themselves with blankets)

Crewmember 2: *sigh* Now you've done it, bothering these people with your crazy lying lies about cannibalism.

Crewmember 1: Uh... Uh...

Crewmember 2: Now you get in your pot! (he indicates a large pot filled with boiling water, a fire underneath it)

(fade out)

(fade in on the interior of the submarine Retro. Liquid commands it, looking through the periscope. Everyone else [Snake, Otacon, Meryl, Naomi, Mei Ling, Ocelot, Raven, Wolf, Grey Fox and Campbell] is manning various stations)

Liquid: Ah, it's good to be in a ship.

Snake: Why the hell are you in command!?

Liquid: Did you pilot a Metal Gear?! Huh?! DID YOU!?

(long pause)

Liquid: That's what I thought. Is everyone ready?

Everyone: Yes!

Liquid: (slowly) Oh-kay.

Everyone: Let's go!

Liquid: (slowly) Oh-kay.

Mei Ling: Ugh, c'mon already.

Liquid: (slowly) Oh-kay.

Wolf: LIQUID!

Liquid: Bow planes up, ninety degrees.

Raven: Aye aye, Cossack!

(A mechanical grinding sound is heard, and the sub awkwardly climbs a bit and stops. A German Naval Officer enters)

German Sailor: Nein nein, was machst du da? Das Boot kann nicht austeigen so.

(long pause)

Snake: Who the hell is this?

Liquid: Oh, he came with the sub. He's cool.

German Sailor: Wem erzählen sie das!

Naomi: (calling out) Does anyone here speak German?

German Sailor: Ja!

Naomi: Not you.

(long pause)

German Sailor: Ich spreche Deutsch.

Naomi: Not YOU!

German Sailor: Was?

Naomi: Shut up!

German Sailor: (pulls out Luger and fires it into the air) Sieg Heil!

Ocelot: What the?! Stop that!

Otacon: Uhmm... (attempts to speak German) Meine Reduzierung ist vom versilberten Kraftfahrzeug Aalen der Luftluftfeder des Bergwerks vollständig.

German Sailor:  Was? Das ist eine Kleinigkeit!

Mei Ling: (very impressed) Otacon, you know German?

Otacon: (blushes as Mei Ling looks at him) Uh, yeah, I'm like totally fluent.

German Sailor: Lügen haben kurze Beine!

Liquid: (slams the periscope down) Hey! We got a rescue mission to do here, people. Now take us to the damn surface!

(the sub climbs)

German Sailor: Dummkopf.

Liquid: Shut up!

(fade out)

(fade in on the crewmembers as they shiver anxiously next to the bubbling pot)

Crewmember 2: Shut up, and get in that pot.

Crewmember 1: Todd, wait! They're gonna be here with food in a few minutes.

Crewmember 2 (Todd): (sarcastically) I know they're gonna be here in a few minutes, I can't wait that long, okay?

Crewmember 1: You've already waited a month!

Todd: Yes, so obviously I don't care to wait any longer, okay?

Crewmember 1: Todd, you just can't eat me like this.

Todd: (mockingly) Uh-huh, yeah, I know. That's why we've got the boiling water.

(fade out)

(fade in on Liquid, the German Sailor and Mei Ling)

Mei Ling: Wait wait, you're telling me that this German guy came with the sub?!

German Sailor:  Das ist korrekt, Schlampe.

Liquid: Just give him some Schnapps.

(screen lights up, and Todd is standing there)

Todd: (on screen) Hello!

Liquid: What's up, dude?

Todd: (on screen) Uh, not much, not much. Hey, you guys have any spices down there? You know herb d'provence? Jerk rub?

Liquid: What for?

Crewmember 1: (not seen, but heard on screen) He's cooking me!

Todd: (on screen) "FOR him!" He means "for him." He's-

Crewmember 1: (same as before) No, no, I don't!

Todd: (on screen) He's a nut. Well... you seem busy.

Otacon: (watching different monitor) Okay, ten meteres... five meteres... we should be breaking the surface right about-

(The sub abruptly slams into the glacier that Ice Station Zebra is on, breaking it away, and sending it floating off into the sea. Red alert lights and sirens go off inside the sub as it shakes uncontrollably.)

Liquid: Jesus, Otacon!

(fade out)

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

Todd: Whoa, whoa, what the hell was that?

Crewmember 1: The Hand of God is punishing you!

Todd: Yeah, the Hand of God...  There is no God!

(fade out)

(fade in on the interior of the sub)

Liquid: Ow, my eye!

Mei Ling: We hit something! (points at her moniter, which reads "You've hit something!")

Liquid: The periscope poked me in the eye!

German Sailor: Ich habe es Dich gesagt...

Naomi: SHUT UP!!!

German Sailor: Scheißekopf.

Liquid: Wolf, damage report!

Wolf: I'm fine, thank you!

Liquid: The sub, you idiot!

Wolf: Oh, right. The propulsion drive is damaged! (points at her moniter, which reads "Propulsion drive damaged!!!")

Otacon: Shit! What are we going to do now?!

German Sailor: Das ist eine berechtige Frage. Haha.

(fade out)

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

Todd: Sweet God, we're seaborne!

Crewmember 1: I don't know how this could be any worse.

Todd: Oh, shut up!

Crewmember 1: Seriously, Todd, name one thing worse than this.

(the crewmembers scream as the station flips over in the water. Random smashing sounds and chaos)

Crewmember 1: Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!

Todd: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa whoa whoa!

(on the wall inside we see a small sign labeled "Up" with an upward-pointing arrow. It's upside-down.)

Todd: Yeah, thanks, "Hand o' God!"

(fade out)

(fade in on Liquid swimming around the bottom of the sub)

Liquid: There's nothing wrong with my ship! I keep telling you!

(he approaches a clearly broken fin on the bottom of the sub)

Liquid: Oh, is this part supposed to be smashed like this?

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake, Meryl and the German Sailor)

Snake: What do you think we hit?

Meryl: I'm gonna go with "iceberg".

German Sailor: Sie sind intelligent so wie schön.

Meryl: (flattered) Oh, I don't know what that means, but thank you!

German Sailor: Das ist schon ganz egal.

Meryl: Wow, German is beautiful.

German Sailor: (gestures at Meryls breasts) Auch ihre Melonen.

Snake: (sarcastically) Maybe you can try to get in her pants a little later!

Meryl: Snake!

German Sailor: Das ist von ihnen sehr gastfreundlich.

Meryl: (to Snake) What is your problem?!

Snake: This damned rescue! It's hopeless!

German Sailor:  Ja mit dieser Haltung.

Meryl: It's not hopeless! Once Liquid fixes the propulsion drive-

Snake: Liquid couldn't fix a sandwich!

(fade out)

(fade in on Liquid finishing welding a large metal patch on to the broken fin)

Liquid: Okay, that's done.

(pieces of a sandwich float by)

Liquid: Now it's time for a mouth-watering club sandwich!

(fade out)

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

Todd: Get in the pot so I can stun you!

Crewmember 1: No! How the... How are you even gonna explain this?

Todd: When they find your guts strung up in here like Christmas lights.

Crewmember 1: What?!

Todd: Wait, wait, did you say... Look, it... that doesn't matter, I'm gonna eat the Konami people, too, man.

Crewmember 1: You're mad!

Todd: Yeah! There's a difference.

(fade out)

(fade in on Liquid, Otacon and the German Sailor)

Otacon: Liquid, get us a coordinate or else we'll be driving around for a hundred years!

Liquid: Yeah, thanks to my kick-arse welding.

German Sailor: Werden sie den Rest der Sandwich essen?

Liquid: *burps* Nah, I'm stuffed. But YOU can't have it!

German Sailor: *groans angrily* Geck...

Liquid: Hey, you want a sandwich? Go float around in the sub-freezing water and somehow, miraculously, make your own!

Otacon: Yeah, how'd you do that anyway?

Liquid: Not sure, I kinda blacked out.

German Sailor: Ich bezweifle das sehr viel.

Otacon: Yeah, yeah... Fahrvergnügen.

German Sailor: Was?

Liquid: (to the monitor) Hey, Ice Station dudes, come in!

Todd: (on screen) Hey, guy, how's it going?

Otacon: Zebra, we need your location.

(the large pot, with a fire lit underneath, is visible behind Todd)

Todd: (on screen) Oh, we're floating around upside down here somewhere and, uh-

Liquid: Wh-why the hell around you floating around?

German Sailor:  Weil du das Eisberg anfuhr.

Todd: (on screen) Yeah, that.

Crewmember 1: (pops on screen) Get me out of here!

Todd: (on screen) Hey, look, when you guys get here, send some fat guys in first, okay?  Someone-

Crewmember 1: (pops on-screen) Look out, he's gonna eat you!

Otacon: What?

Todd: (on screen) Pac-Man. That's what he's doin'. (chuckles) Listen to him, he's playing Pac-man back there. And uh... send the fat guys!

Liquid: They got Pac-Man?! Sweet! I call dibs!

(fade out)

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

Todd: This won't hurt.

Crewmember 1: Yes it will, Todd!

Todd: Alright, just the initial blow, yes it will, I won't lie to you, it's gonna hurt like you won't frickin' believe.

Crewmember 1: Todd?!

Todd: Look, then you'll be in shock and it'll be great.

(a grinding noise is heard)

Crewmember 1: Wait, wait, d-did you hear that?

(fade out)

(fade in on the interior of the submarine Retro as it grinds against the bottom of the glacier)

Raven: (banging things with a wrench) What the hell's wrong with this thing!?

Snake: (to Ocelot) What are you doing wrong?

Ocelot: Nothing! Wait, what are YOU doing?!

Snake: (turning a large valve handle) I'm, uh, helping steer from back here.

German Sailor: Das ist nicht ein Löschzug, Trottel!

(a faint tapping is heard)

Wolf: People, listen!

Meryl: (hitting a lever) Fuck, this submarine makes no sense! (to Liquid) What the hell does this do?!

Liquid: Who am I, Cornelius Drebbel, inventor of the submarine?!

German Sailor: Sieg Heil, Cornelius Drebbel!

Wolf: Guys, shut up!

German Sailor:  Cornelius Drebbel! (pulls out his luger and starts firing it randomly ten times. One bullet hits Liquids bag of chips)

Liquid: My chips!

Mei Ling: (cowering) Oh, God...

Snake: Stop it!

German Sailor: Sieg Heil, Cornelius Drebbel! (loads in a new magazine and fires another ten shots)

Snake: (sneaks up behind the German and taps him on the shoulder) STOP IT!

(the German Sailor fires one more shot)

Snake: You idiot!

German Sailor: Was?

(fade out)

(fade in on the crewmembers of Ice Station Zebra tapping on the bottom of their hull with sticks, trying to signal the submarine)

Crewmember 1: Th-that was their submarine... They can find us with the sonar and you can have all the food you want.

Todd: Yeah, we'll lure them in one by one! Hey, man, I am sorry about trying to eat you.

Crewmember 1: And I forgive you like crazy, now keep pounding! Pound, for all you're worth!

Todd: Let's just have fun with it.

(fade out)

(fade in on Otacon, the German Sailor, Wolf and Liquid)

Otacon: Sounds like someone is pounding on a metal hull... That's S.O.S.!

(the German Sailor is banging a jar of pickles against the submarines hull and hitting it with the butt of his Luger, trying to open it)

German Sailor: öffnest du Miststück!

Otacon: What the... stop that!

German Sailor: Ich wünsche wirklich diese Gurken!

Otacon: STOP IT!

Wolf: Guys, look!

(through the window, the upside-down building is seen through the murky waters)

Snake: That's Ice Station Zebra!

Liquid: Again, dibs on Pac-Man!

Snake: Shut up, and get 'em on the two-way.

Liquid: Come in, Zebra! Wakka, wakka, wakka!

Todd: (on screen) Hey! Hey, buddy!

Liquid: We're right outside, dude. And I got a bag o' quarters!

Todd: (on screen) For... for what?

Liquid: Wakka wakka wakka!

Todd: (on screen) Yeah, that...

Snake: ZEBRA!

Todd: (on screen) Hey-

Snake: Here's the plan. Liquid is going to drill a hole in your hull.

Liquid: Wakka, wakka, wakka!

Snake: (to Todd) According to Otacon, that's gonna equalize the pressure, so we can begin the extraction. See you in a minute, Zebra!

Todd: (on screen) Yeah, hey-

Snake: Godspeed.

Todd: Wait, do you guys have a bonesaw?

(the monitor flicks off)

Snake: I hereby take command of the mission!

Liquid: Wakka wakka wakka!

Snake: Liquid, get out there. And Meryl...?

(giggling is heard as we see Debbie in a dark red dress, wearing the Sailors hat, and caressing his face)

Meryl: Ha ha, okay!

German Sailor: Ja mein Lieb...

Snake: MERYL!!!

Meryl: What?

Snake: What - Whoa!  Whoa!  Don't "what" me, woman!  And you, get your greasy hands off her!

German Sailor: Alles ist in der Liebe und im Krieg angemessen.

Snake: Meryl, get the wetsuits ready!

Meryl: Okay, God! Flip out a little!

German Sailor: Ich warte für dich Liebchen.

(fade out)

(fade in on Liquid drilling a hole into an exposed piece of metal on the outside of the Ice Station)

Liquid: I am absolutely riddled with Pac-Man fever!

(fade out)

(fade in on the two crew members watching as the drill bit pierces the metal, springing a leak)

Todd: Alright, now when he gets in here, be cool, just act natural.

Crewmember 1: Natural how?

Todd: Natural like... we're not gonna bash him in the face and skin all the meat off his bones

Crewmember 1: Why don't we just go with those people and eat regular food, and not... those people?

Todd: Oh, God, you still do not get it, do you?

(fade out)

(fade in on the inside of the submarine)

Snake: (to Meryl) What do you mean "there are none?"   Without wetsuits we can't rescue them.  They'll freeze to death!  Why the hell didn't you pack them?!

(fade out)

(fade in on Liquid entering the Ice Station. He and Todd shake hands)

Liquid: Wakka wakka wakka!

Todd: My God, your hands are freezing, man. How'd you like a hot bath, there, buddy?

Liquid: Um... Okay. That'll gimme a chance to wash the potatoes, and onions, and carrots I brought for you guys. (holds up a large sack with "Soup Fixin's" written on it)

Todd: Hey, aren't you made of meat.

(long pause)

Todd: I mean, thoughtful.

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl, Snake and the German Sailor inside the submarine. The German Sailor and Meryl continue to caress each other)

Meryl: (to Snake) Yes, it's terrible.  And, yes, I suppose I should've packed extra wetsuits instead of this dress.

German Sailor: Unsinn! Du bist sehr hübsch!

Meryl: Thank you. (to Snake) But what's done is done.  You've just got to tell them the truth.

Snake: What? That they're going to die?

German Sailor: Krieg ist Hölle!

Snake: Shut up!

German Sailor: Sieg Heil!

Snake: STOP THAT! (storms off)

German Sailor: (to Meryl and in English) Perhaps he's not angry, he's just hungry.

(he and Meryl walk over to Snake, who is calling the Ice Station)

Snake: Zebra? This is Retro, come in!

Todd: (on screen) Hey, guy! Ya'll, uh... have any tortillas, like... like eight feet in diameter?

Snake: No, but-

Crewmember 1: (on screen) Fajitas!

Snake: Where's Liquid?

(on the monitor we see a pair of flippers floating in a yellow broth as Crewmember 1 stirs it with a long stick. Both crewmembers are wearing lobster bibs with Liquid's face drawn on them.)

Todd: (on screen) Oh, didn't you see... he went back to where, uh, you know... you are.

(Liquid's hand and his head float to the top of the soup momentarily)

Snake: Okay... Listen, I've got bad news.

Todd: (on screen) Oh, don't sweat the tortillas, man, that was a pipe dream.

Snake: No, we don't have any more wetsuits. So what I'm saying is... You... Both of you... are going to starve to death.

(long pause)

Todd: (on screen) (bursts out laughing) I seriously doubt that!

Crewmember 1: (on screen) (laughing) Oh dear God.

Todd: (on screen) Well, whatever.

Snake: I'm sorry... But, uh, while you wait for death, could we... I dunno, play some music for you?

Todd: (on screen) Yeah, some dinner music would be great.

Snake: Dinner music?

(fade out)

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Shade: Fun, ain't it? Okay, that's the end of part 1, and here's a short, but sweet, bit.

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(fade in on Snake, Meryl and Otacon watching TV)

Snake: God, this is damn boring.

Meryl: Well, what should we do?

Otacon: (checks the TV guide) Uh, just channel surf. Nothing good on.

Snake: Whatever. (flips on the TV)

Otacon: Wait! Channel 41! It's got a new series on it.

Meryl: What's it called?

Otacon: Uh... Behind The Fan Fiction.

Snake: The what now?

Otacon: I have no idea what it's about either, but it seems to be about some guy named Simon Wolf-Gough.

Snake: I meant what the hell fan fiction is.

Otacon: You don't know?! It's so funny! People write these kooky stories about us!

Meryl: Us?

Otacon: It's insane, I know, but some of them are alright.

Snake: Like what?

Otacon: Well, there's this one where me and Mei Ling are in love.

(long pause)

Snake: Like THAT would ever happen.

Otacon: Shut up. Anyways, there's another one where you're in command of a special ops team called ECLIPSE.

Snake: What kind of half-assed name is that?!

Otacon: Not sure. But the guy this show is about is even kookier.

Snake: Example.

Otacon: Well, he's written several fics about us called Behind The Game.

Snake: Jesus.

Otacon: And then there's his Darkness Trilogy. I tried reading it, but the damn thing had so many plot holes, I couldn't understand it.

Snake: But at least he didn't write about anything sick, like my penis.

(long pause)

Snake: You've gotta be kidding me.

Meryl: Guys! Shut up! The show's about to start!

(the camera zooms in on the TV, and the show begins...)

Announcer: Welcome to Behind The Fan Fiction. This week, we look at Simon Wolf-Gough, otherwise known as Shade Wolf. His story begins somewhere in Australia...

(cut to Simon's mother)

Simon's Mother: My son is what you'd call... a freak. He sits around and plays video games all day, writes stories about them and... eats Japanese food!

(cut to Simon's father)

Simon's Father: When my son told me he wanted to become an author, I smacked him upside the head and told him that if he wanted to do that, he might as well just throw all his money away, sit around, pretend to write all day and live with us until he's 35.

Announcer: But his family don't know the author side of him. Here's some confessions from friends of his, and what they think of his writing...

(cut to Chicken Fox)

Chicken Fox: Shade Wolf? Yeah, he's not... he's... I'm not very impressed by his work, actually. He's not very original. Pretty much takes his ideas from TV and movies and puts them in his fics, really, so I... not very impressed! I'm not that impressed, really.

(long pause)

Chicken Fox: I mean, I don't do things like that. *cough*

(cut to Yoriko Obato)

Yoriko: Simon? My boyfriend? I've read his stuff. He's about as funny as a brain tumor, which isn't very funny at all!

(cut to Kat UK)

Kat UK: Yeah, I remember in high school when me and Simon would go behind the bike sheds all the time for... certain reasons. Uh, he usually didn't want to go, but I made him. Usually ended up with his money afterwards, but whatever. He used to talk about Metal Gear Solid all the time, saying stuff like "I'm Solid Snake!" Yeah, I thought he was a nerd, but... well, actually, he still is a nerd. Ya freakin' nerd! God! You're... YOU'RE A NERD!

Announcer: And what does Simon have to say about all this?

(cut to Shade)

Shade: I don't care what you all think. I take great pride in knowing that all my jokes are original.

(long pause)

Shade: What?

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Shade: And that's the end. Tune in next time for your dose of hilarity!