DISCLAIMER:  Hmm…sadly neither Serenity nor her crew are mine, they belong to Joss and FOX ( damn you FOX!)

I just borrow them because now I have to make up my own stories about what happened …

Notes: After finally mastering the problem of uploading my ( now, finally , am an idiot!) formatted file of this story , I hope you don´t  mind me adding a few chapters??

It is stronger than me , I just can´t let it go!

It´s about River and Jayne…..I´am quite sure it would have turned out this way sooner or later if the show would have stayed on the air. WHY ISN` T   IT????

Feedback would be very nice!!

River stirred. Awake …again! She looked around in the small, dark room, her heavy breathing echoing off the walls. The voices were back, screeching and screaming in her head. She sat up with her back against the wall.

" Stop!" , she whispered as they raged on, " Stop, please stop!"

Why could she not make them stop? The only sound in that tiny room was her own breathing as it grew more and more laboured. River drew another ragged breath. It was so hard, as if they were trying to suffocate her. She started shaking, covering her face with her hands. Closing her eyes she remembered another kind of breathing. She focused on that. Him…breathing. His chest rising and falling under the palms of her hands in a  calm, steady rhythm. The way he inhaled sharply when he had pulled her close, arms tightening around her as she kissed him. She liked that memory, that thought. It was the safest place she had come to find on this ship.

Still the fear would not go away, it was like a thick knot deep down in her chest….cold and tight. She carried it with her.

River felt so exhausted. All the fighting made her so tired. Simon ´s medication was supposed to help her fight the voices, but most of the work was up to her. And they were so loud and so strong, raging on and on …..coming from the dark place. She could not run from it, it was always there, a part of her. No matter how far she ran, they would always be there, that's what they whispered to her at night. Why didn´t she just surrender and let them take over…..because now she knew for sure that they were lying. There was a place where they could not reach her, a place were they ceased to be, a safe place.

She pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms  around her knees.

No Power in the ´verse, she thought as another anxiety attack washed over her.

Jayne awoke with a start.

Gorram! Not again!

It had been a week since that weird night in the cargo bay. Seven days and he had not gotten one good night´s sleep.

He woke up night after night, sheets all tangled up around his legs, head full of strange images.

Jayne was quite sure it was all her ruddin´ fault!

He had avoided her, mostly not even looked her way. What exactly was happening here?

Jayne Cobb was not the kind of man who let a little girl drive him crazy! But she was not just any girl and that revelation bothered Jayne more than he could say. If she were, he would not be lying here, having incoherent dreams about her. She would have been in his bed days ago and out of it even sooner!

But River…..she was not in his bed, she was in his head! How the hell did she wind up there?

No matter how hard he tried to concentrate on something else, anything else, he could not let it go!

Somehow she had clawed her way into his mind and it seemed as though she was setting  up shop there with no intention to leave again ever! On the contrary, she seemed to make herself quite at home!

Jayne turned around in bed, impossible to fall asleep now. He sighed…..well time enough to give Vera a good ,thorough   clean.

River opened the door to her room and peered round the corner into the corridor. They were all gone, they should be …most of them, doing their crime- thing. She did not care what it was. She just needed to make sure nobody saw her.

Simon was around somewhere, probably sick bay or talking to Kayleigh or Book. He thought she was sleeping and she needed to sleep, but she couldn´t ….not here.

Empty corridor. Coast is clear  - oh captain, my captain……

She tiptoed down the corridor as quietly as possible until she found the hatch that she was looking for. She climbed down the ladder into Jayne´s bunk. He was not there, she knew that. He was somewhere out there doing the crime- thing with the captain and Zoe. Her naked feet hit the floor with a tiny thud. Once the hatch closed over her head, a relieved sigh escaped Rivers lips. Her eyes wandered around his room, registering everything. She breathed deep, the place even smelled like him. It was untidy, very, very untidy  with clothes lying around on the floor and every other surface….River smiled. She did not mind his room being like this, his mind was untidy too!

Her gaze moved to the blanket on the wall next to his bed. There behind the blanket they were sleeping, all his pretty flowers, all clean and shiny……she shivered. She was not supposed to be here…..no touching the guns! She was not allowed to be around guns!

River shook her had to chase these thoughts away. She was not going to touch them, not even look at them! She wanted to be here, she felt save here. She slowly moved towards his bed, touching some of his things on her way. He did not own much of great value, though River knew that he cared for very few things as much as he cared for money. She did not quite comprehend that since he did not spend his money to buy pretty things …. Except more guns!

She sighed, wishing she could just wrap herself up in the essence of this room like a warm blanket. Her fingers moved over his pillow and she closed her eyes. He did not know it, but he had crawled into her thoughts, just as sure as she had crawled into his…he with his anger and his hardness and his venomous looks and the remarks that cut like a knife.

She sat down on his bed, all tension falling off of her as she lifted her feet from the ground like a dancer. Lying down, inhaling his scent …the voices subsided, slowly like the tide. She closed her eyes, smiling.

Safe. Silent.

She felt so tired, finally she could let go. She did not have to battle against the screaming anymore, not fight for every single word she wanted to say, only to hear it come out wrong and twisted in the end. Not now….. not here.

He found her sleeping in his bed. Quickly he closed the hatch behind him, still on the ladder. What the hell was she doing here?

What was she thinking, she could not just come here and fall asleep on his bed….

If somebody saw they would never believe him that nothing was going on …….well not exactly nothing but …..GORRAM!

Thar ruddin´ girl!

Jayne knew he needed to think, this situation was definetly not good! He slowly climbed down the ladder, suddenly realising that he was being extra quiet so as not to wake her up. He let out a frustrated growl. Damn her! Why was she doing this?

He needed to think, think about what he should do but somehow he did not want to think. He took of the heavy , dusty coat he had been wearing and leaned against the wall opposite to his bed, arms crossed in front of his chest.

She did not wake up. Jayne studied her curiously, lying there on his bed, all curled up like a tiny little cat.  With her brightly coloured dress she reminded him of a crumpled flower. Her long shiny hair was draped over his lumpy pillow, soft and silky in the damp light. His fingers itched to touch it, but Jayne kept his distance. This was so wrong on so many levels ….

Even in her sleep River looked as if she was holding something back, not completely at peace. Her body was relaxed, her breathing even and calm but her brows were still knitted together in a way that suggested that not even sleep could erase all her worries.

He should wake her up, get her out of his bunk and make sure nobody saw the two of them together……..she had no business sleeping in his bed. Still he could not help himself but to find the thought strangely endearing……now wait a minute! No he did not!!  Damn …how did she do that?

Even in her sleep …….

Jayne took the opportunity to take a good look at her, take her all in …face, body…..everything. Her milky white legs were exposed where her dress had ridden up, dainty little feet naked again. Did this girl never get cold feet?

Carefully he moved over to her, sitting down on the edge of the bed, reaching out for those feet.

So incredibly small, he thought as he laid his hands around them ….and cold as ice.  River murmured something he could not understand and opened her eyes. Giving him a puzzled look.

" What are you doing?" she asked ominously.

For the first time Jayne understood the " deer caught in the headlights" – expression, he figured that would be the exact look she had to see on his face that exact moment. Very good question, what in the name of hell was he doing?

Sitting on the edge of his own bed, rubbing the feet of Simon´s  crazy sister …why?

" Your feet are cold.!" He answered matter- of- factly, as if that could explain the whole situation.

Something was way out of control here….he did not touch women´s feet. He didn´t even care if they were cold or not!

" Look.." he said roughly, letting go of her , jumping to his feet.

 " You cannot just come here, You cannot sleep here in my bed! If the captain saw you here, he would think I´am taking advantage of your craziness or somethin´ ! Anybody would think that!" He started pacing the tiny cabin, while she sat up, following his every move with big, dark eyes.

" Captain would shoot me where I stand! Also …..you …you….are crazy. I don´t want you here!" 

He turned to her, pointing his finger towards the hatch.  " Now get out and make sure nobody sees you!"

He almost yelled.

" I´am not afraid of you." River said calmly, tugging a strand of dark hair behind her ear. " And I don´t want to go. I like it here, this is a safe place for me."

Jayne stared at her exasperated.

" You don´t really want me to go…." She added, patting the bed next to where she was sitting, motioning him to sit down. She did not like what he was doing, they were stuck again. She did not want to be stuck, she had to push him up hill.

 Dumbfolded Jayne sat down next to her. He shook his head, letting it sink into his hands.

" This can´t be happening to me!" he said, more to himself than to her. When exactly had this whole situation gone off track?

" That´s what I thought when they cut into my brain …every time!" he heard her counter.

" What?" He looked up. Was she really mocking him, did she just make a joke?

She grinned at him, while he stared at her …..this girl irritated him more than he could say. He searched her face, she frowned slightly. He could not figure her out and yet there was something about that weird, crazy girl that lured him in.

She was nothing like the women he had encountered in his life. She was different, something new …..not even his type. Far from it indeed, he had always like tall, golden haired women. Couldn´t afford them most of the time he had to admit.

But River…..?   River was pretty, he´d give her that. Quite beautiful in her very own way, with that mass of dark, unruly hair and her porcelain -doll like face. She was not milk and honey, she was shadow and light…..so pale that he could see the veins on her arms ……..and she was out of her mind most of the time. But in her brown eyes lay wisdom, she was more like the fairy than the princess of any tale.

"I  am not a swan."

Jayne snapped out of his reverie. Her voice sounded almost sad.

" I ´am more like a sparrow…"

He nodded slowly.

" A tiny, lost sparrow." Jayne added impulsively, not knowing where that thought came from. It just came to mind, almost naturally.

River smiled at him, her hand reached out and touched his cheek, the way she had done in the cargo bay. Her thumb moved over the slight stubble, he had not shaved this morning.

" You can fit me in the palm of you hand."  She whispered.

The hatch opened with a loud hissing sound

" Jayne ?" he heard the captain yell. They both jumped off the bed. He looked from her to the hatch and back to her, then turned around quickly , facing the hatch.

" Jayne, did you happen to see River anywhere on your way in?" Mal yelled down the hatch.

He stood in front of her, shielding her from view with his body. As she leaned forward to peer up at the hatch Jayne pushed her even further behind him with his left hand.

" No! Didn´t see a thing." He answered loudly before he even realized it. " Crazy girl…she´s probably hiding somewhere."

He heard Rivers relieved sigh behind him, her hands on his arm.

" Probably , but I don´t like it!" Mal said, closing the hatch again.

Jayne turned around to River, searching her face.

" They´ll be looking for you now, you´d better go."

She bit her lip, returning his gaze. " I can´t."

" Watcha mean you can´t? You ruddin´well will! You know what ´ve happened if he found you here?" he said roughly.

" I´am not safe out there, I ´am safe here!" she whispered hoarsely " Please ….I need to hide here."

Jayne towered over her, a look of annoyance and confusion on his face. If he tried to force her to leave she would most likely scream bloody murder and he knew what that would lead to….. he just did not get why she sought him out. He had not given her any indication that he wanted her to come here…..well if you didn´t consider that hug he gave her and the foot rubbin´, a tiny voice inside him challenged.

His brow furrowed up.

" Hide from what?" he growled

" The voices….the screaming in my head ! They come from the dark place, they told me I would never escape, but they lied. They cannot reach me here. I ´am safe here. "

" Why?"

" You are here." She answered simply, as if that was the most obvious answer. Her hands were still on his arm. One of them took a hold of his hand and squeezed lightly. Jayne shook his head. He was not entirely sure if he caught her drift, but he was sure he did not like her looking up at him with that expression in her face.

He tried to pull his hand back, but she held on to it with a lot more strength than he thought she would have in her.

" Now listen up girl. I don´t know what goes on in this crazy little head of yours, might just be those ruddin´ drugs your brother is dopin´you up with, but this is no fairytale! And I  sure as hell ain´t no prince who is gonna go and slay your demons for you, understand?"

River lifted her eyebrows at his earnest tone …..and laughed. It was not the squealy little giggle Jayne had heard before, when she was chasing around the ship with Kayleigh. It was a deep, clear laughter that seemed to come straight from her chest, very womanly and loud.

" I know you are no prince!" she told him, looking at him as though he had said something extremely ridiculous. Jayne didn´t like that either.

" I don´t think you can go and slay my demons. And if you could, you would not go and do it for me. You would do it for your own fun, because you love a good fight!" she clarified.

Jayne couldn´t help himself. He grinned. Darn…..who would have thought that she actually did understand what he was about.

River grinned back, but then her face fell and she became very serious. She looked up at him, making a face.

" Sometimes I wish I could just stop. Stop doubting, being like this! I cannot remember the day, the last time I have been happy…..without a cloud at the horizon, without the house over my head falling to bits. Even when Simon saved me it did not stop. I was broken, I still am…..I left a part of my self at that place, a part I can never get back. Instead I took the voices with me …but that night, when we were there, alone…that night the voices stopped!"

She lifted his hand up with hers, bringing it up to her face. Leaning her cheek into his hand she closed her eyes.

Jayne just stood there motionless, staring at her.  Feeling the soft, smooth skin of her cheek under his fingers, he was at a loss. This was not something he was prepared to deal with. This was not a situation he could simply shoot his way out of.

She was wrong, she was not safe here, not with him! Everything she did, the way she looked up at him, the way she smiled, the way she moved , how she touched him…….all these things made him want to do things to her that he knew he should not be thinking about. Jayne did not consider himself to be a good man, but the way  she made him feel was just …..wrong, very wrong.

On top of that, this was not the way he treated women. She was not the kind of woman he socialised with!

River opened her eyes, looking straight up into his.

" I wonder …will you ever see me that way?" She moved towards him, he moved backwards.

" Will you whisper in my ear?"

Jayne felt the edge of the bed dig into his legs. He sat down almost involuntarily, her eyes suddenly were on the same level as his. Carefully River leaned forward to whisper into his ear. " Making me weak……you make me long for things I never called mine!"

" Stop it." Jayne said, grabbing her shoulders. He looked at her with a stern expression.

" You should not do that, say these things! I´am not a good man, I did a lot of things that will secure me a very  bad place in hell. And I´am not a sensitive guy like your fancy brother, we both know that! I should not and most certainly will not do this whole moon-eyed, lovey-dovey rubbish, that´s not for me and …..you are not even here most of the time with that mind of yours! "

River returned his look, considering what he said for a moment. His hands were still on her shoulders, she noted. He was not hurting her, his grip was firm and pleasant.

" I´am here when I´am with you." She finally replied simply. She tilted her head to the right, still looking into his eyes. The gesture was so graceful that it captured Jayne completely. He shook his head again. No matter what he said she had an answer for everything.

He did not really want her to go, he realized. He was just worried …..this was unknown territory for him.

Jayne let his hands wander upwards from her shoulders to her neck until he cupped her face. Maybe he should not do this but he did not care anymore…..gorram girl seemed to know exactly what she wanted. He just couldn´t wrap his mind around the fact that she deliberately sought him out, that she seemed to trust him completely , even though he had not given her any reason to justify this trust. And why was it that every time he looked into her eyes it seemed that she held the answers to all his questions?

River closed her eyes again, sighing. This was good, not stuck anymore. She had pushed him over the hill. She could rest now.

River moved forward. Completely surrendering to the feeling, she slid her arms around his neck, leaning her body against him, so that he fell backwards onto the bed with her on his chest. His arms closed behind her back protectively. With a little sigh, River snuggled up to him. Her face buried in the crook of his neck.

" Well.. ..this ain´t so bad." Jayne thought. She weighed almost nothing, tiny and fragile as she was, her soft hair tickling his chin.

" You can kiss me if you want to." River whispered. For a moment Jayne wondered if he had heard her right.

" What makes you think I want to kiss you?"

" You want to kiss me." River answered him. He could not help but laugh.

" That transparent , am I?" 

She closed her eyes, she liked the rumbling in his chest when he laughed. Slowly she propped herself up on her elbows, looking down on him.

" You don´t often kiss women."

Jayne squinted up at her, ready to give her piece of his mind on that subject . Looking at her he changed his mind.

" No I don´t ." he told her instead. It was the simple truth and judging from the look in her eyes, she had known that already. He did not kiss…..well, rarely kissed. Kissing was a very intimate thing, a special thing he did not feel like sharing with most of the women he had been with. Also….. he did not like all the things kissing implied…… it was precious and honest.

" It´s not like I ´am no good at it."

" It gives things meaning."  River clarified as her hands moved over his arms. Jayne nodded.

Gorrammit, she was right he wanted to kiss her, he was past caring if this was wrong or right. For some reason this crazy girl understood how his mind worked. She really got him and he was starting to feel like he got her too, whatever that was worth. But this was nor the time nor the place for thoughts like this,  he chided himself. River tilted her head to the side, it made her look all the more vulnerable.  

" You don´t have to kiss me now." She said, resting her head on his chest again. " We can just lie here. I ´am very tired."

He did not answer, she could just feel his arm tighten around her. One of his hands moved to the back of her neck, the other caressing her back. It felt so good, so safe …she thought.

Jayne looked down and saw her eyes close, her face for once relaxed and calm. Without knowing why he kissed the top of her head, her hair felt soft and cool under his lips. She could have been right, he thought. He had not thought about it until now, but he remembered what she had said to him in the cargo bay.

" No power in the ´verse…."

All these things falling into place the way the were, for some reason he had started wanting to protect her  …….he pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he drifted into sleep.

You like it ? Want me to continue?  Please let me know …..