Chapter Eight: Chasing Shadows
The two weeks after the full moon passed leisurely. Harry finished most of his homework except from the final touches for his potions essay and the second half of his Transfiguration homework. Neither Sirius nor Remus would be of any help for him with Potions, that much Harry had already gathered, but he still hoped for the help of some of Remus' books for McGonagall's homework. He shuddered to think about writing that four rolls of parchment thing solely from his notes from last school year. Of course he could owl Hermione for help, but she had this rather strange attitude that everybody should do their homework on their own. Well, from what it looked now, Remus wasn't half as strict when it came to that, he had already offered Harry to help him, but as there were still more than three weeks left of the holiday, Harry was in no hurry.
Harry thought it strange how quickly he had gotten used to living with Remus and Sirius. When Remus had first told him that he'd spend the rest of the holiday with him and his godfather, it had not been much more than an abstract concept for the teenager. But even despite all his previous concerns, Harry had quickly come to like the living arrangements this summer.
He could sleep in for as long as he wanted, he didn't need to do all the housework (none at all if Remus would have gotten his will), he could go flying or just hang around in the house and – most important of all – there was always somebody around who was not repulsed by his presence. If Harry needed somebody around to talk to or to play chess with, whatever it was, he could rely on the fact that Sirius or Remus were there for him. His nightmares hadn't stopped, and still he woke Remus up every night with his thrashing around. Still every night Sirius would come into his room, sit up with him until he had calmed down again and in case he wanted to talk, hug him and then leave again. After Sirius' visits, the nightmares hardly ever returned.
Living here in Kent with Sirius and Remus was nearly like Harry imagined living in a family. Well, he didn't have that much experience in that matter, but that was how he imagined it to be. Harry almost wished that he could come back for Christmas, or at least for the next summer holidays. But whenever he had those thoughts, Harry chided himself for them. This was a one-time arrangement for all that he knew, simply because it had been the only alternative at the time he had to leave Privet Drive. Merlin only knew where Sirius and Remus were come Christmas, or even the summer holidays, and Harry definitely didn't want them to plan their lives according to his school schedule. Even if he wanted it as desperately as he thought he did. And Sirius had said that he and Remus *wanted* him here, maybe they could also arrange for him to come here for Christmas. He hoped it did, though he knew that he shouldn't allow himself to get too absorbed in the idea.
After the last lingering pains and aches of the full moon transformation had subsided, Remus and Sirius continued just as normal as well. Whenever they were not spending time with Harry, they were sitting around in Remus' study, discussing things Harry had absolutely no idea about. Basically he knew they were coordinating the correspondence of Dumbledore and his allies, Remus was translating and decoding intercepted letters, and Sirius was trying with the help of Mundungus Fletcher to relate the messages they could decipher to people, places or activities they knew about. But that was about as much as Harry had been able to grasp during the two post-moon weeks, he knew next to nothing about the real contents of what Sirius and Remus were doing. As was the way it should be, from what Sirius had told him.
A little problem of the more domestic form had risen three days ago, when Harry's Hogwarts letter and his school list for next year had arrived. It had reminded all three inhabitants of Remus' cottage of the need to get to Diagon Alley and get them, only that there had been a lively discussion as to how this should be achieved.
Sirius couldn't go buy them, that much was clear. Harry couldn't be going alone, either, and if he went with Remus he could as well tell the Daily Prophet about his current location. Sending Remus to get them could raise suspicion as well, if the wrong people saw him. In the end, after lengthy discussions and a fire-call to the Weasleys, it had been decided that Harry, Remus and Padfoot would all three go together on August 31st, spending the night to September 1st in the Leaky Cauldron. The Weasleys were doing just the same, so there would be a large group of wizards around to protect Harry in case something happened, and they needn't worry that the wrong people would show up at Remus' cottage during the last week of the holidays. Though Remus had been reluctant to have Sirius with them in Diagon Alley, in the end he had agreed. But only after Sirius had promised him not to transform back under any circumstances, except from when he was in their warded room at the Leaky Cauldron.
But that was still more than three weeks away and Harry didn't spend too many thoughts on it as he put aside his quill and headed out of his room, leaving homework be for today.
The weather was great, Sirius was sitting outside dozing in the sun and Harry decided that this was as good a weather as he'd get for flying. So he grabbed his Firebolt and hopped down the stairs. On his way out, he snitched the cooking spoon with cake dough from the pot from the kitchen counter when he thought Remus was not looking.
"Hey, I saw that!"
Harry just waved over his shoulder and ran outside.
"At least bring the spoon back!"
But Harry was already out of earshot. Sirius grinned when he saw his godson come running out of the house with the large spoon full of dough in his hand.
"Share?"
Harry resolutely shook his head.
"No
mister, this is *my* trophy. If you manage to steal dough from Remus, I don't
expect you to share, either."
"Spoilsport!"
Harry just shrugged and finished licking off the dough from the spoon,
completely ignoring his godfather's begging puppy look. When he was finished,
he used his recently acquired knowledge in banishing charms to send the spoon
back into the kitchen. A loud "Ouch!" told him that it had arrived
there.
"You said you wanted your spoon back!"
Something that sounded like a suppressed course that would have made any sailor proud was the only answer Harry received, but he quickly dismissed it as imagination. Remus didn't swear, everybody knew that.
Harry went over to Sirius and held out the Firebolt.
"Wanna fly a round?"
Sirius grinned, but shook his head.
"No, thanks. I'm far too lazy at the moment, maybe later. You go and fly, I'll watch you from down here."
Harry shrugged and mounted his broom. Moments later he was zooming high over the tree-line, flying circles and eights, diving and pulling up again. It felt good – as always – to be back in the air, and with the wind running through his hair and blowing through his clothes there was nothing in the world that seemed worth worrying about. Up here Harry was able to forget about everything, his only concern being that he'd give Sirius a heart-failure if he tried to do a Wronsky-Feint right now.
Harry didn't even realize that he spent nearly two hours in the air. Sirius had been dozing in the garden, then he had watched Harry for a couple of minutes until the sounds from the kitchen indicated that the cake was finished and Sirius could not resist to try it while it was still warm.
When Remus had finished with cleaning up the kitchen and came into the living room, he found Sirius standing in front of the large window, watching Harry zoom by outside. From the side, Remus could see that there were tear-tracks on Sirius' face and even if he had not tried to wipe them away upon sensing Remus' presence, the werewolf would have heard his loud sniffling. Not turning around, Sirius said what Remus had expected to be the reason for his tears.
"He looks so much like James when he's flying."
Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes. If this was leading to what he suspected, then he didn't want to be here now.
"Yes, he does."
"During my first year on the run, when I was at Hogwarts, I used to come to the Quidditch games just to watch him fly. And I could nearly forget everything that had happened and imagine it was Jamie flying up there."
Sirius sighed and turned away from the window, sinking down onto the sofa with an audible sigh.
"He doesn't even remember him, Remus. He doesn't even remember his father. James should have been there for him, and not those blasted muggle relatives of his. Jamie should have been there and taught him everything he needed to know. Jamie should have taught him how to fly a broom, and how to properly hex a Slytherin. But Jamie wasn't there."
Remus sat down in an armchair and watched Sirius attentively. He had expected this to come for quite some time now, but that didn't mean he was prepared for it.
"I sometimes wonder how Harry can stand my presence sometimes, anyway. Had it not been for me, then his father would have been there. And his mother. He'd have grown up in a normal family, and not with that poor excuse of one he's been living with. All because I thought switching to Peter was a brilliant decoy."
Remus leaned his head on his hands and shook his head. He didn't want to have this conversation, not here, not now, not anytime soon.
"You're such a hypocrite, you know?"
Sirius' head snapped up.
"What?"
"I
think you understood me quite well, Sirius. You're a hypocrite. I don't know if
it's intentional, but it's a fact."
"What the heck are you talking about?"
Remus sighed and leaned back.
"I'm talking about you telling Harry that he's not responsible for Cedric's death. At least that's what I suppose you told him. That it's not been his fault, that none of them could have known the cup was a portkey, that Harry was only trying to do something of which he was convinced it was the right thing. Didn't you tell him that? Didn't you tell him that his intentions were good, and the outcome of the whole story was only so devastating because he had not known this could happen?"
"What's
that got to do with it?"
"Everything, Sirius. Because I just can't understand how you can be so
clear-minded and rational about the advice you give Harry, but so stubborn and
blind when you're concerned yourself. The situations are so bloody similar it's
jumping straight into your face. Cedric died because *he* and Harry had decided
to take the cup together, none of them knowing that it was a portkey designed
for Harry. James died because *he* and you decided to switch secret keepers,
none of you knowing that Peter was the traitor who'd deliver Jamie straight to
Voldemort."
Sirius
resolutely shook his head.
"No, that's been different."
"How? Just tell me how, because I fail to see it."
"I have *known* Peter. I could have, no I *should* have realized that something was wrong with him."
"Sirius,
not even James himself suspected Peter of anything. Because the signs were not
there, at least not clear enough for us to read them at that time. And you
could say the same about Harry. You could say that he should have realized
something was wrong with the Tournament, with Crouch's constant absence, with
the fact that somebody cast Imperius on Krum during the Third Task and
seemingly did everything to gain the victory for Harry."
Again, Sirius shook his head.
"Harry could not have looked out for things of which he didn't even know they were there."
"Exactly my point, Sirius. None of us knew we had to watch Peter, because none of us knew what to look for. Don't you think that I've thought this over and over again during the past year? But even though it all makes sense today, back then there simply was no chance for us to see it. And if you're not willing to accept that one simple truth then I'd at least ask you not to wallow in your self-pity while I'm around."
"Self-pity? Excuse me? I'm mourning my best friend, in case you failed to notice. How dare you call it self-pity?"
Remus shook his head and got up from his armchair. Placing himself in front of the fireplace, he crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at Sirius challengingly.
"Because that's what it is, Sirius. You haven't mentioned James once without saying something along the lines of 'it's all my fault', not once since I've learned the truth about what happened. That's not what I call mourning, that's self-pity. Period."
Sirius jumped to his feet at surprising speed and crossed the distance between himself and Remus with a few strides. His blue eyes blazing with anger, he waved a threatening hand in front of Remus.
"And what, pray, do you know about how to mourn properly? What do you know, tell me? I haven't heard you talk about Jamie once, not once since that night in the Shrieking Shack. You don't seem to be sad at all about the fact that he's not here anymore. There's no sign anywhere here that you still think about him, that you still miss him.
And do you know why? Because you've had it easiest after everything happened. You were left alive, and you had me as a perfect scapegoat for everything that had happened. You could hate me with all your might and continue with your perfect little life!"
Had the wolf been only a bit closer to the surface, Remus would have knocked Sirius out cold that moment. As it was new moon and Moony was as powerless as possible, Remus merely pushed his old friend back against the wall.
"How dare you? How dare you say something like that?"
Sirius steadied himself at the wall and shook his head in anger.
"How I dare to say that? Easy: because it's true. What did you have to go through, compared to me? You've had James and Lily to mourn, but obviously it didn't take you long to overcome that. You left Harry with those blasted muggles and never looked back, didn't you? And do you know what I've gone through at the same time?
No, you don't! Because if you did, you'd not say I was wallowing in self-pity. Give me a chance to mourn my best friend, because I've not had the chance to do so until now. While you had more than thirteen years to learn and live with everything that had happened, I was stuck with it. I've bloody been through it over and over again. For twelve long years, I've heard James' voice everyday, accusing me of murdering him and his family. I've heard you, wishing me a slow and painful death because I had killed Peter. Whatever positive things there had been in my life, those Dementors had sucked them out of me until I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. I thought I was going insane, and for all the time that I've been in Azkaban the world outside just kept on turning. Everybody grew older and lived their lives, and only I was stuck at how I had been at the age of twenty-two. So don't dare telling me that I'm wallowing in self-pity, because you can't even begin to grasp what I've been and still go through!"
Remus laughed harshly.
"Oh yes, that's so easy, isn't it? You've been in hell for a crime you didn't commit and just because life has been treating you so unfair everybody else must have had it so much better. You know what? You *are* a hypocrite, Sirius Black!
I don't deny that you've had it worse than we all, but that doesn't mean I've had it easy, alright? Within one night, I thought that three of my friends had died, had died because a fourth of my friends, *you*, had betrayed and killed them. Do you really think that was fun to go through? That it was easy?
I've been mourning them, and don't you dare supposing that it didn't take me long to get over it, because that's a lie. It took me damn long to get over it, and there's still a bit of the pain left that will never go away, but I finally reached the point where I realized that I had to keep on living my own life.
Do you know what Moony did to me after he realized that his pack was gone? He shred me to pieces, every full moon, mauled me, tore me inside out and did his best to kill me. And he nearly succeeded, more than once. Had it not been for my father, I'd have not survived the first full moon after James and Lily died. And the moon after that. And the next one. I had no will left to live, and it took me more months than I care to remember to finally start living again!"
In one smooth motion, Remus pulled the shirt off his body. His fingers traced the large scars that were covering his chest and abdomen.
"Do you see them, Sirius? That's what Moony did to me because I believed his mate had murdered the pack. He didn't believe it, couldn't believe it, but because *I* did he punished me."
Remus put the shirt back on and fell back on the sofa.
"I didn't leave Harry with the muggles, Sirius. That was Albus. And when I was finally lucid enough again to worry about him, there was no way for me to get him. Don't you think I tried? But in case you've forgotten, I'm a werewolf. They don't just hand out children to us, especially not the saviours of the wizarding world. And after all of you were gone, that's just what I was. A werewolf, with no friends who prevented me from being shunned out of society. Do you think it was all fun and pleasure? You might have been rotting in Azkaban for twelve years, caught in the hell of everything that had happened, but don't you dare thinking that just because you had it as bad as it can come, I automatically had it easy. I won't allow you to do that.
Do you know what your problem is, Sirius? You never really left Azkaban."
Sirius snorted.
"Ah
yes? What would you know about that, tell me?"
"Oh, you're out of Azkaban alright, but you never really left it. You
might be out of the Dementors' clutches, but you've become very good at doing
their job. You torment yourself with thoughts about how you've murdered James
and Lily, and that you're not worthy of Harry's presence. You still live in the
past, Sirius, and make no move to leave it. And at the same time, you
completely ignore all parts of the past you're not comfortable with. This can't
go on, Sirius."
Sirius waved his hand in the direction of Remus and started pacing in front of the fireplace.
"Really? Tell me Remus, when did you ever become so wise? So all knowing?"
"Stop that shit, Sirius! I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but denial won't get you anywhere. You keep on talking about James, Lily and Harry at that time, but you completely dodge around ever mention of us."
"*Us*, Remus?"
Sirius' voice didn't betray what he was feeling.
"Yes, *us* Sirius. Another thing that ended in a catastrophe back then, but actually the only thing that could still be talked about with all the involved still alive. But you dodge ever attempt to even talk about it, heck you behave as if it had never happened!"
"There *is* nothing to talk about, Remus. Yes, you and I once were more than friends. We were together, we loved each other. There, that's what you wanted to hear? But you already said that it ended in a catastrophe back then, and the important part of it is it *ended* back then. As in 'it stopped existing'. For me, that's more than enough reason not to keep on talking about it. I'm glad that miraculously we've been able to keep something akin to friendship, but other than that I'd prefer not thinking about it. I've got enough worries on my mind as it is."
Remus jumped to his feet.
"So that's it, yes? Enough worries as it is. Not wanting to add the everlasting worry at the name of Remus Lupin to your list. Listen to me Sirius, because I won't say this again: finally get your mind back here and stop worrying about all the things in the past that can't be changed anymore. And if you can't do that, at least keep it to yourself until Harry is safely back at Hogwarts and you won't have to stand my presence anymore. Because I for one do have enough *present* matters on my mind that are more urgent than pulling you out of your self-dug depression!"
With this, Remus stormed past Sirius and out of the room, and a moment later the slamming front door announced that he was gone. Sirius sank back onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands. What had just happened here?
"What has happened here? Are you alright?"
Sirius looked up and found Harry standing in the back door, Firebolt in hand and his face still flushed from flying in the afternoon sun. He waved vaguely at him.
"Yes...it's alright, Harry. Nothing for you to worry about, alright?"
He pushed himself off the sofa.
"I'll go and look what I can make for dinner, alright?"
Harry shrugged. Nobody ever told him anything, so what else should he do?
When Remus returned from his father's house later that evening and walked the last couple of hundred metres back to his own place of living, he could already see the lamp-light illuminating Harry's room. Remus smiled. Either the Urgh, Simon and their goblin rebellion still kept him occupied, or the teenager had finally chosen to finish his potions essay, fully well knowing that none of the other inhabitants of Remus' cottage would be able to help him with that.
It was already half past ten and surely Harry would go to bed soon, but before he checked on whether the teenager needed something, Remus wanted to look where Sirius was.
This afternoon's conversation with his old friend had confused Remus. Confused him without ends, because it had been so unlike every other conversation they had had so far ever since he had arrived three weeks ago. There had been a lot of awkwardness between them, many uncomfortable silences, all those moments during which one of them had been reminded of what they had once been and would never be able to become again. Remus had never thought that living together with a man who had once been the centre of his world would become so difficult, but it was. And even more difficult.
And there had been the opposite of it. There had been the morning after the full moon when Sirius had given him so much without probably even realizing it. There had been his physical presence, always something that had comforted and soothed Remus and especially Moony after this trying night, but this time Sirius had made him an even bigger present. He had given Remus the truth, the simple truth that James had not died believing him to be a traitor. It was a truth Remus himself had not known how much he had needed to hear it.
But even that morning the mutual awkwardness around each other had been there, this time especially present when Sirius had traced that scar on Remus' upper arm. It had happened out of habit, Remus was sure about that. For a short moment, Sirius had seemingly forgotten that fourteen years of pain and hardship were lying between them today and the young men who had hopelessly been in love with each other they had once been. Back then, Remus had not minded when Sirius had traced his scars, but today he did. It evoke too many painful memories about something Remus had desperately tried to forget for the past fourteen years.
But however awkward and uncomfortable they had been around each other from time to time during the past three weeks, there had never been open antagonism as there had been this afternoon. They had been searching for middle-ground, for a way to interact with each other without hurting themselves or the other, and even though there had been tension between them, there had not been such strong negative emotions as Sirius had shouted them out this afternoon.
Remus had not intended it, but he had had a long conversation with his father about all this. Or rather, he had been spilling it all out while Richard Lupin had listened to him, and beforehand Remus had not been fully aware just *how* much the current situation bothered him. He had not thought about asking his father for advice before, even though Richard had been one of the first to be informed of Sirius' innocence a year ago.
Not that he had really helped him that much this afternoon, Remus mused. His father had listened to him, had smiled that ever-present 'I knew that would happen' smile which seemed to be handed out to people as soon as they became parents, and had told his son flat out that Remus himself was the only person who could make that decision he obviously was about to make.
'It all depends on what you want, Remus. If you aren't ready or willing to spend many thoughts on the issue of Sirius and yourself, then you best wait until the holiday is over and Harry is safely back at Hogwarts. Then you won't have to see Sirius every day anymore.
But if you don't want to run away from yourself anymore, then think about it and decide if that's what you want or not. Basically, it's that simple.'
Oh yes, basically it was that simple. Problem was, theory and reality were quite a distance away from each other in this situation.
Hesitantly, Remus opened the front door and stepped into the hall.
'Heck, this is your own house, Remus. You shouldn't be sneaking in like a teenager after curfew.'
The problem about inner voices was that though they were often right, they were also one of the most annoying things in this world.
Deciding to heed its advice this time so that the nagging inner voice would be silent – it was already hard enough to share his mind with Moony, Remus definitely didn't need another 'guest' up there lest he end up in St. Mungo's – Remus made no attempt to soften the noise of the closing door and immediately headed into the living room where he suspected Sirius was. And he was right. Sirius was sitting on the sofa, an open copy of the Daily Prophet lying on the table in front of him. Remus knew Sirius well enough to tell that his thoughts were not on the newspaper. He doubted that Sirius had even turned a page since he had stormed off a couple of hours ago.
"Hey."
Sirius looked up from the paper as if he had just now realized that Remus had come home. His face didn't betray whatever emotions were going around in his head.
"Hi."
Silence. Again. Slowly, this was driving Remus insane. He wasn't the world's most talkative person under normal circumstances, but this constant silence was slowly nagging away the last of his nerves. Problem was, he didn't know how to start the conversation that was so needed between the two of them, either.
So instead of saying something, Remus sat down on the sofa next to Sirius and waited whether his friend had a better idea for a start.
Obviously not, because Sirius immediately pretended to read his paper again. Remus sighed.
"Sirius, we need to talk."
Sirius looked up, pretending to be surprised.
"Oh really? We need to?"
"Sirius
please. Don't make this any harder than it is anyway, but after what was said
this afternoon I should think that a talk would be necessary."
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Oh,
if Remus thinks that a talk is needed then of course we'll immediately have
that talk. Couldn't live with Remus not getting his wish now, could we?"
"Sirius, don't start like that with me. If you really want to talk about
the fact that though I think I've had a hard time in my life yours was still
worse then you'll have to look for somebody else. I should think I had made
that clear this afternoon."
Sirius just shook his head and turned back to his paper.
"Fine, ignore me. How very mature of you, Sirius. Very mature. And surely a good role model for Harry, now wouldn't that be great?"
"Leave Harry out of this."
Sirius' voice snarled this, a sure sign that this was one line of conversation he didn't necessarily want to pursue any further. Remus just shrugged.
"I don't think it's possible to leave Harry out of this. I think this is all about Harry, and about how much you hide behind your guilt-complex and your responsibility towards him. Because that's what you do, isn't it?"
"Shut up Remus. Shut up before you say something you might regret."
Remus just raised an eyebrow.
"Like you did this afternoon?"
Sirius grabbed the paper and threw it to the floor.
"Why do you feel the need to constantly analyze me? Is there a psychiatric streak in you which I've failed to notice before?"
Remus
shook his head.
"No. But quite frankly, I'm fed up with the way things are going right
now. Truly, it's only three more weeks until Harry leaves for Hogwarts again,
but I was hoping we'd meet each other from time to time after that, as well.
And I just can't stand the thought that it's so awkward between us."
Sirius sank back into the sofa and stared at the dying fire in the fireplace.
"There are fourteen years of separation lying between us, Remus. We've become different people. Or – you've become a different person, and I'm the rest the Dementors left of the person I was at the age of twenty-two. Sometimes things like that just happen."
"The Sirius Black I knew would never have accepted that."
Sirius looked up, the haunted look his imprisonment had left in his eyes returned to full force.
"Maybe I'm not the Sirius Black you knew anymore."
"I don't know, you'd have to let me in so that I could find out. But you just don't. Whenever we talk, it's either about things for Albus and the Order, or it's about Harry. You don't let me in, I don't know what you think or feel about things anymore. There was a time when this was different."
Sirius laughed.
"I wasn't aware you'd want that."
Remus sighed. Discussing with Sirius had always been a rather difficult thing to achieve, but when he was in such a mood it was exasperating.
"Sirius, please look at me."
Sirius didn't move his eyes away from the fireplace, so Remus got up from his armchair and crouched down in front of the table, forcing Sirius to look into his eyes.
"Listen to me, please. If you'd rather have we forget how things once were between us then it makes me sad, but I'll accept it. But independent from all this I cherish your friendship. I want it back. But at the moment I have the feeling that you're living in my house but that you're not really here. I...when Albus told me that you'd arrive, I've been looking forward to having you here. I wanted to get to know you again, to find out what's left of our friendship and just try to forget all the shit that's happening out there at the moment. And when you finally arrived, I quickly realized that I had imagined it to be easier than it turned out to be.
We're both not the same anymore, but I just refuse to believe that there's nothing left of our friendship."
As soon as Remus had finished speaking Sirius turned his eyes away from him again, and so Remus moved around the table and sat down on the sofa next to Sirius. He didn't feel too well at the moment, not after he had told Sirius that he wanted his friendship back when in reality it was something completely different that he wanted. Something stronger, something even more precious, something he had lost the privilege to have over a decade ago. Remus didn't want Sirius' friendship, he wanted his love.
"Is that really the problem?"
Remus shrugged.
"By now I believe I don't know what the real problem is, Sirius. I just don't know, and to be honest I'm too tired to find out. There are just too many problems. Yours, mine, Harry's, if we want to solve them all it'll take a lifetime.
But I can see that it's hurting you, Sirius. The way you think about the past, about Jamie and Lily, it's hurting you. You lose yourself so much in your guilt that you don't even realize that it's not been your fault at all. You are able to make Harry see those things, but you flat out refuse to see them for yourself. That's what I meant when I called you a hypocrite.
Sirius, you have to accept that it wasn't your fault what happened back then. James made his own choice, you only wanted the best for him. You didn't betray him, Sirius. When you finally accept that, it might become easier. Stop living in the past, Sirius. Please."
Sirius defiantly shook his head.
"It's not...Remus, I...it's not easy. It's easy to say for you, but I just can't help thinking about it. Whenever I think about James, or even look at Harry, I can't help thinking that without me he'd still be here."
Remus sighed.
"Sirius,
stop it! I'm serious, it won't do you any good."
He lifted himself up from the sofa and went into the kitchen. Remus hadn't
eaten since lunch that noon and hunger and fatigue were slowly catching up with
him. And he dreaded the idea of going back into the living room and talk to
Sirius again. Whatever it was they'd talk about next, Remus wasn't too sure whether
he wanted to hear it.
His sandwich was finished and eaten all too quickly, and a quick check of the clock told him that it was nearly half past eleven now. Harry would already be asleep now, no need to check up on him anymore today. With a sigh, Remus placed his plate into the sink and went back into the living room.
Sirius was still sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire. There was an expression on his face which Remus hadn't seen ever before.
Sirius was still far too thin for his size, and there was hardly a sign left of his former muscularity, but the past weeks in the sun had tanned his skin and taken away most of the 'rotten-corpse-look' he had featured after his Azkaban escape. The clean clothes and hair made him look human again, but there was this haunted look in his eyes that – as Remus guessed – would never completely vanish again. But as he watched Sirius sit there in the otherwise unlighted living room, the shadows of the low-burning fire reflecting on his face and hair, Remus thought that he hadn't seen something as beautiful as this image in ages. All he wanted to do at that moment was go over to Sirius, take him in his arms and tell him that everything would be alright, but he guessed that wasn't such a good idea.
With quite a start, Remus realized that he must have been staring at Sirius for a couple of minutes already. Sirius had realized his presence in the room and was watching him intensely, again that unreadable expression on his face.
"Sirius?"
Sirius' eyes slowly focussed again and he smiled apologetically.
"Remus?"
"What's wrong?"
Sirius shook his head.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."
Remus smiled and sat back down next to him on the sofa.
"Don't give me that, Sirius. There's something bothering you, I can see that."
Sirius' shoulders sagged and he continued staring into the fireplace. The silence stretched long and not all that comfortable between them.
"You don't need to tell me, you know? I know that it's not like back then at school when we talked about everything. It's just...well, if you want to talk, then I'll be there to listen. I just want you to know."
Sirius shook his head.
"It's not that easy, Remus. It's not that easy."
Remus laughed mirthlessly.
"What ever is?"
Sirius looked at him for a long time, those blue eyes boring deep into his as if they were searching for something. Remus felt suddenly very shy and small under that gaze. It couldn't be, could it? It just couldn't be...
"Remus?"
"Hmmm?"
"What if I tell you something, and you don't like what it is? What if it
repels you enough that you don't want anything to do with me anymore?"
Remus bit his lower lip. What was Sirius driving at?
"Well, I can't tell you that as long as I don't know what it is you're talking about. All I can tell you is that I think it takes really much to drive me away. I don't have many friends, Sirius, and the few I have are the most important thing in my life. That's all I can say, though I don't know if it helps you any."
Sirius stared into the fire and refused to meet Remus' eyes. The silence settled back over the living room and Remus already thought that Sirius was too discouraged to talk about whatever it was that was weighing on his mind. Just as he thought that Sirius would remain silent, he spoke.
"Remus?"
"Yes?"
"Just hear me out, okay? Just hear me out. And in case you don't fee...in case you don't like what it is, just try to forget I said it, okay?"
Remus slowly nodded, trying to ignore the heavy pounding of his heart in his chest.
"Okay."
"It's just...Remus, your friendship means a lot to me."
"So does yours to me, Sirius."
"I
don't want to lose it."
Remus frowned.
"Me neither."
"I…Remus, I know that we're not what we once were anymore. I know it. I might not accept it yet, but I will in time. We don't know each other anymore, no matter how desperately I wish that it wasn't so.
But you're all that I have left, Remus, and I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose what I have in you now, your friendship, your loyalty, your trust. No matter how much I wish that we could return to what we once were, I know that we can't.
But I need to say this, I need you to know it before something else happens and another fourteen years pass during which I don't have the chance to tell you."
Remus was startled when tears started to form in Sirius' eyes and ran down his cheeks. He could count the number of times he had seen Sirius cry on one hand and still have enough fingers left to make a rude gesture. Sirius had not cried often in front of others, even him, and if he had done, he had always tried to hide it as good as he could. But right now, Sirius made no movement to hide his tears. Remus wasn't even sure Sirius had fully realized that he was crying.
His voice quivering, Sirius continued, not taking his eyes off of Remus'.
"I know you don't feel the same anymore, Remus. You're not the same young man anymore who was hopelessly in love with me. You've moved beyond that and I have to accept it.
I don't want to lose you, but I have to tell you this now even though it might drive you even farther away from me. But I need you to know that I never stopped feeling for you what I did feel before the shit hit the fan all those years ago. Not even when I started suspecting you of being the traitor. Not even when we broke up. Not even during all those years in Azkaban, no matter how much pain it brought. I never stopped loving you, Remus. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I'm sorry Remus, but I just can't help how I feel. I'm sorry."
Sirius bit his lower lip and abruptly turned his head, fixing his eyes on the dying fire in front of him.
Remus closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. His chest felt as if a huge weight had been lifted, but as if he nevertheless was unable to breathe. He couldn't believe what he had just heard, he refused to believe that Sirius had just said what Remus had longed to hear for so many years now. If he allowed himself to believe this, and it turned out that it wasn't true then Remus would not be able to go on. Not another time, the last one had nearly killed him.
Yet here Sirius was, sitting next to him, his eyes on the fireplace. The tears were still running down his face and suddenly Remus knew, he simply knew that what he had just heard had been true. If Remus had died that moment he'd have died a happy man.
He was aware that he and Sirius still needed to talk about a lot of things, there was still so much they had not yet cleared out of their way, at least not verbally. And a small part of his brain told him that he should not give in to his emotions, no matter how much he wanted it right now, before this had happened.
But nearly fourteen years was a long time, and Remus realized that he was not able to hold back anymore, that he didn't want to hold back anymore. Now that he knew that Sirius' feelings were still as strong as his own, maybe even strong enough to pick up the pieces and try to find a new beginning for them being together, Remus was willing to leave everything else aside for the moment. There would be enough time for it later. When his thoughts were more rational and his heart didn't threaten to burst out of his chest because it was beating so wildly.
Sirius still didn't look at him but kept his gaze fixed on the dying embers in the fireplace. Tear-tracks still stained his face, but even if they had not been there to prove it, Remus would have known how hard it had been for Sirius to say what he had just said.
After twelve years in Azkaban, even people who weren't half as strong as Sirius would be afraid to allow themselves such deep emotions. No, Remus corrected himself, people who weren't as strong as Sirius would not have survived what he had, at least not with their sanity intact. They would have broken so much earlier.
A huge wave of gratitude flowed through Remus. He hadn't prayed in a long time, but at the moment he wanted to thank whatever deity responsible for bringing Sirius back to him. It was nothing short of a miracle that the man who meant more to Remus than anybody else had survived more than a decade of torture, even though he had not had much of an aim to hold on to.
But Sirius had returned, and though time and separation had changed them both from what they had been before, there was still the chance for them to become a 'we' again.
Remus didn't know when he had last felt so warm, so centred, as if everything was suddenly back in place after so many years during which he had felt like falling apart.
He realized that he had yet to react to Sirius' last words.
"Sirius, please look at me."
His chin trembling slightly, Sirius tore his eyes away from the fireplace and turned around. He didn't meet Remus' gaze, though, so Remus cupped his chin with his left hand and forced him to look into his eyes.
"You are right. I am not the same young man who was hopelessly in love with you anymore. You are right that I have moved beyond that."
Sirius tried to free his face from Remus' grasp, tried to turn away so that he would not have to face Remus during the moment when he finally shattered all his hopes. But Remus would have none of that. Bringing his other hand up to Sirius' face as well, Remus framed it with his hands and held Sirius' head steady, his amber eyes never leaving the blue ones in front of him. New tears were running down Sirius' cheeks, and Remus gently wiped them away with his thumbs.
"It has taken me some time to realize it. Sirius, I moved beyond being in love with you many, many years ago. Even before we left Hogwarts. But you are most definitely wrong if you think that my feelings for you ever decreased to friendship.
Sirius, ever since I had realized that what we had was more than giving in to teenage afflictions and hormones, ever since I realized that this wasn't just a teenage-romance, I moved beyond 'being in love' with you. I 'loved' you, more deeply than I've ever loved anybody else.
I'd be lying if I told you that I never doubted those feelings, especially after you got arrested and I believed you to be a traitor and murderer. I did. I needed to, otherwise I'd have gone mad. But just because I tried to get over my feelings, tried to push them into the background and forget about them, it doesn't mean that they vanished. It took me some time to realize it, but they are still there. They've always been there and I don't think they'll ever go away again.
I love you, Sirius, as simple as that. I love you.
I know that the two of us still have a long way to go, and that it'll be hard, but if you're willing to try, I just want you to know that there is nothing I'd rather do."
Remus blushed slightly as he realized what he was saying, what he was proposing Sirius. Especially since he'd consider himself too shy to do something like this under normal circumstances. Never had he imagined himself to be the one proposing the new start of a relationship to somebody. But now that he had started, he could as well finish it. No, he *had* to finish it. He only hoped his voice would not break in the process.
"I don't want to lose your friendship, either. But I think it's far too late for me to see you just as a friend, no matter what will happen in the future. I love you with all that I am, and there will never be anything that can change that."
Remus didn't let go of Sirius' face, but he relaxed his hold on it until his hands were only resting softly against Sirius' cheeks. Immediately, Sirius dropped his head and stared at the floor.
"I'm sorry that you're stuck with me."
"What?"
Sirius shrugged his shoulders.
"I'm sorry that you seem to be stuck with loving me. I never wanted for this to happen."
"But maybe I did."
Immediately, Sirius' head snapped up again.
"What do you mean?"
"Sirius, we definitely need to work on your self-esteem. Loving you is not a burden. It's a blessing. I wouldn't want it any other way even if I could change it. No matter how painful it has been or might be again.
I…I know that we're not the same people we were when we were young anymore. We need to get to know each other again, need to re-learn what once was so natural between us. But there is nothing I'd rather try than this. That is, if you want it, too."
For long moments, Sirius just stared at the man sitting in front of him, the man he had once thought to know better than himself. A shy smile was playing around the corners of Remus' lips but Sirius' didn't see it. He was staring into Remus' eyes, as if all the answers in the world were lying in those two amber pools. He didn't know if he could still read Remus as well as he once did, but he couldn't detect anything in Remus' eyes that would have contradicted what he had just said. There was no mocking in those amber orbs, no sign of rejection or mistrust. There was just affection, a warm and deep affection.
Not trusting his voice, Sirius bit his lower lip and nodded, not taking his eyes off of Remus'. It wouldn't be easy, and it surely wouldn't be all pleasure, Sirius knew that.
If he wanted to have back what they had once had, or rather rebuild their relationship on a firmer foundation this time, he'd have to open himself completely. It would feel like betrayal if he kept anything hidden from Remus just because he thought it could stand in their way. If he made that step now, if he allowed himself to let his love for Remus surface again, it would be either completely or not at all.
Sirius didn't know if he'd have the courage or strength for that, but one look in Remus' eyes told him that he did not have to face this alone. Actually, he wouldn't have to face anything alone anymore if he gave in to his feelings now and allowed himself to love Remus Lupin again. It was a thought that frightened him more than the prospect of facing Voldemort and all his Death Eaters on his own, but at the moment Sirius also could not wish for anything better.
For a long time both men just sat there and looked at each other as if they saw each other for the very first time, taking in the image of the other, trying to memorize every line and wrinkle that had not been there when they had last been this close. It was true that both had changed and fourteen years of separation could not be made up in the course of one evening, but that was something they didn't think about at that moment.
As if drawn together by a silent command, Sirius and Remus leaned closer towards each other, reducing the distance between their faces until each could feel the other's breath on his face.
Remus knew that this was the point of no return, but every nerve and cell in his body was telling him, screaming, that it was the right thing to do. That there was nothing that could possibly feel more right than this.
Closing his eyes, Remus bent forward a little farther and gently pressed his lips onto Sirius'. For a short moment, he thought that Sirius would pull away, would get up and run because he was not ready for this yet, because he might never be ready for it again, but then he felt him responding ever so softly.
Sirius' lips were warm and soft, though not as soft as they had been all those years ago. It was new, it was different and yet it was just as he remembered it. Remus' hands moved from the sides of Sirius' face to the sides of his head, letting the silken black strands of Sirius' hair flow through his fingers before he moved his left hand to the back of Sirius' head and pulled him even closer.
When Sirius finally circled his arms around Remus and let his hands softly wander across his neck and hair, Remus didn't know how he could have ever survived without this. This was his world, with Sirius being where he belonged – close to him. As close as possible, and then even closer. He could feel Sirius' heart beating fast and was sure that the pounding of his own could be heard for miles. But he didn't care, because Sirius pressed even closer and coherent thinking was a lost concept for Remus. Giving in to the sensation and to the fireworks that seemed to be setting off in his stomach, Remus stopped thinking and allowed his instincts to guide him, hoping that they still knew what to do after all those years.
Maybe it was the fact that the last days had been a constant emotional turmoil for Remus as well as for Sirius, maybe it was because it was late in the evening and he was tired, and maybe it was because he was sitting here, with Sirius kissing him and thus fulfilling a dream Remus had not dared to dream for a long time, but whatever it was, it kept him from being his usual perceptive self. Remus didn't hear the footsteps on the wooden stairs, he didn't hear somebody enter the kitchen, or the sound of water running from the tap. So not only Sirius, but also Remus jumped nearly three feet into the air when suddenly the sound of breaking glass came from the direction of the living room door.
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
The first thing Harry realized when he woke up was that his throat was scratchy. He was thirsty.
Groaning, Harry swallowed a couple of times and turned around in his bed, willing himself to fall asleep again.
He closed his eyes, but after a short moment opened them again, groaning again. He'd have to get himself something to drink, otherwise he'd not be able to fall asleep again. This was quite some dilemma, because Harry had no intention whatsoever to leave the warm cocoon of his blankets.
With a sigh, he rose after a few moments of inner debate. It was of no use, he'd have to get up. Putting on a pair of loosely tied sneakers to protect his feet from the cold tiles he silently opened the door and left his room. Harry didn't know whether Sirius and Remus were already in bed, but if they were he had no intention to wake them.
He silently descended the stairs and went into the kitchen, where he took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold water from the tap. While he was drinking, he walked through the kitchen towards the door that led into the living room. Muffled voices reached his ears and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Sirius and Remus were still up, so he needn't have worried about waking them. He took another deep swig of the water, then moved towards the slightly open door.
Why he hesitated to enter, Harry didn't know, but he didn't go into the room straight away. Maybe it was because the two seemed to have stopped talking, but that didn't explain Harry his own sudden reluctance.
The room only seemed to be illuminated by the dying remains in the fireplace, but this gave enough light to show the two men on the sofa.
Harry stopped dead in his tracks as he realized just what he had run into. His godfather and his former teacher were sitting close to each other on the sofa, practically in each others arms. Now Harry understood why they had stopped talking.
Sirius and Remus were kissing.
They were sitting on the sofa, snogging like two hormone driven teenagers on the Astronomy Tower during a June night.
Harry knew he had to be staring open mouthed at them, but he didn't care. Never, never ever, not even in his wildest dreams had he imagined his godfather…and Remus…his ex-professor and his godfather…no, Sirius wouldn't. Sirius couldn't possibly be…gay...no, it wasn't possible. He would have told him, he wouldn't have kept it a secret. And it just couldn't be.
But here he was, Harry was seeing it with his own eyes. Sirius and Remus had lied to him, they had lied the entire time. Sirius had lied to him.
Harry didn't know for how long he had been staring at the pair, who were oblivious to the teenager standing in the doorframe, but a muffled moan from the direction of the sofa pulled Harry out of his stupor and he raced out of the kitchen, not even realizing that his glass of water had just shattered on the floor.
Remus and Sirius jumped up and apart at the same moment, both knowing what must have happened without having to think about it.
"Harry."
They said it in unison, and even the otherwise so self-restraint Remus had to suppress a curse at that moment.
Sirius ran a hand across his face in frustration.
"Oh
fuck!"
Remus only nodded, thankful that at least one of them didn't have the
reservations to speak out what both were thinking.
"We should talk to him."
Sirius stared ahead for a moment, contemplating his possibilities. Eventually, he nodded.
"Let
me try it alone first, Remus."
Without even waiting for an answer, he left the room into the direction of the
kitchen. What looked like shards of a water glass lay on the floor next to the
door, only confirming that Harry had seen them in the living room. But where
could he have gone to, Sirius had not heard him running upstairs again.
Outside in the hall the front door stood slightly ajar, as if somebody had pulled it close behind without really looking whether it fully closed. Sirius only hoped that Harry at least wore some shoes.
Sirius quickly followed Harry outside, and in the dim light of the crescent moon he could see Harry running down the street, into the direction of the town.
Sirius lost no time and ran behind his godson as fast as he could. He didn't want Harry to leave the safety of the wards that protected the house, at least not without somebody with him.
"Harry, wait!"
Harry showed no sign of hearing Sirius, even though the distance between them had decreased noticeably.
"Harry, please wait!"
Seeing that Harry had chosen the path of ignoring him, Sirius did the only thing he could think of. He leaped forward and a moment later a big black dog was running towards Harry at a speed Sirius Black could have never managed in his human form. It took him only moments to reach his godson.
When Harry saw Padfoot, he sighed and stopped running, but nevertheless he kept walking into the direction of town and pretended not to see the dog walking next to him.
With a low pop, his godfather appeared again. Harry decided to ignore him as well. After all, Sirius had lied to him about his relationship with Remus. 'Friends'. Ha! If those two were 'friends', then Harry desperately needed to redefine his definition of that word.
Still panting from his dash out of the house, Harry kept his eyes locked on the road and viciously kicked every pebble and small stone that came across his path.
"Harry?"
Sirius' voice held an unusual amount of insecurity, and Harry didn't really know how to respond. He settled on ignoring him a little more.
"Harry, I know that this was unexpected and a shock for you, I know that I owe you more than just one explanation, but please can we talk in the house?"
Harry only shrugged, but didn't change his course.
"And what if I don't want to talk?"
"You don't have to. Nevertheless I'd ask you to come back to the house with me."
Putting all the resolution he could muster into his face, Harry finally tore his gaze away from the floor and looked his godfather square in the eye.
"And what if I don't want to come back? What if I don't want to live there anymore?"
A pained expression crossed Sirius' face, but it was gone as quick as it had come. Only his eyes showed how much this remark had hurt him, but Harry didn't regret saying it. He had been lied to for quite some time now, and finding out about that hadn't been a picnic either.
It seemed to take Sirius some time to find an answer for Harry's verbal challenge, or maybe he only needed that time to keep his composure. When he finally spoke, he sounded defeated.
"If you don't want to live with Remus or me, or both of us together, then we'll call Professor Dumbledore first thing tomorrow and try to find another safe solution for you. For tonight though, I'd ask you to come back into the house, or at least not to leave the wards around it."
He gestured towards a small hedge a couple of metres in front of them.
"The outer wards end shortly behind that hedge. If you left them, you'd be completely unprotected against whoever might decide to show up precisely tonight. I wouldn't want to risk it, no matter how unlikely."
Harry nodded slowly, turning his head to the left and right. After a moment, he left the street and walked towards the meadow on his left. Sirius sighed and followed him.
Harry still didn't acknowledge his godfather's presence, he silently walked towards the far side of the meadow where it rose to a small hill. His arms crossed behind his back, Harry let himself fall to the ground on the slope, staring at the stars above him.
Sirius silently mimicked his movements, all the while carefully keeping a safe physical distance. He didn't say anything for the moment, Harry was the one who needed to make a start.
Inwardly, Sirius was not half as calm as he appeared to be on the outside. Truth be told, he was completely and utterly confused. First he had had this conversation with Remus that had been draining him emotionally, strongly so. No matter how euphoric he was upon learning that Remus still held feelings for him that matched his own, speaking out all those doubts and fears, combined with his concern that any moment Remus might tell him the words that would shatter all his hopes again, had not been an experience Sirius ever wanted to repeat.
Then there had been the kiss. Even though he and Remus had kissed before, Sirius saw this as a first kiss in more than just one regard, a first kiss after they had grown up, with much more ballast on each of their shoulders, with many more reservations and hurt feelings in between them.
And like first kisses often were, it had been careful, somewhat clumsy and yet the single most perfect thing in the world. Until the glass had shattered, that is. Or until the shit had hit the fan, to express it more metaphorically.
The irony that Harry had caught them during their first kiss after nearly fourteen years was not lost on Sirius. Neither were the problems that would arise out of that fact.
He had not told his godson about his relationship with Remus because there had never been the time for it. And neither had there been any opportunity to say something about it, Sirius could hardly have said 'Nice tournament, sorry about that other kid, oh, and by the way, remember Remus Lupin, your former teacher? I used to shag him when we were younger.'
There had always been more urgent matters that had to be dealt with, and something like Sirius' love life had not been one of them. And it had not been something he had needed to tell Harry, at least not until tonight.
Until tonight, there had been no sign that there would ever be something possible between Sirius and Remus other than friendship. It just had not been necessary to share their emotional ballast from the past with Harry, the teenager had enough worries on his own.
And now Sirius had screwed it up again.
Suppressing a sigh, Sirius gazed at the stars above him and silently asked the question why he was always doing the wrong thing at precisely the wrong time. It had all started so well, they had finally some time they could spend together. A whole summer. And it had been great so far, they had had fun, they had learned a thing or two about each other, heck, they had been bonding. Harry had told Sirius about his nightmares, not hesitating to wake him up in the night. And now he had screwed all this up, just because he had had to snog Remus on the living room sofa.
Harry should have been his priority, not his love-life. Then they wouldn't be in this situation now.
"What?"
During his musings, Sirius had not realized that Harry had said something, at least not in time to understand what it had been.
"I asked you why you've been lying to me."
Sirius turned to his side and looked at his godson intensely. But Harry wouldn't meet his gaze, he merely continued to stare ahead at the stars.
"I didn't lie to you, Harry. At least not intentionally."
Harry snorted.
"No? And what do you call it then? You've told me that Remus is your friend. Your *friend*. Now, Ron is my friend, but as far as I remember *I've* never snogged *him* on the sofa. So either I have completely misunderstood the concept of being 'friends' or you haven't told me the truth about you and Remus. You and Remus have both lied to me. And if I hadn't found out, you'd have kept on lying for the rest of the holiday."
Sirius sighed.
"Harry, we haven't been lying to you. Until tonight, there was nothing between us that was worth telling you, nothing but lots and loads of emotional ballast."
Harry just shook his head and kept on staring at the stars.
"So what you want to say is that everything is alright as long as you don't blatantly lie to me. But keeping things from me is perfectly okay. It's okay not to tell me that you're gay, it's okay not to tell me that Remus is gay, it's okay not to tell me that you've once had something with each other, or still have, or whatever it is going on between you. Do you know how fed up I am with this? Nobody ever tells me anything unless it's absolutely necessary.
It's already bad enough not to know who I am, not to know whether there might not be another thing about me nobody has told me so far. I don't need this with the people around me as well. I thought that I'm finally living with not only one, but two people who seem to really care for me. And then I have to find out that you obviously don't care enough to tell me something as important as this.
Ever since you've arrived, you've been telling me that I could trust you. That I could trust you with everything that was bothering me. And I did. But obviously *you* don't trust me enough to tell me what's really going on between Remus and you. What else have you two been hiding, Sirius?"
Harry's voice had grown continuously louder until he nearly shouted the words out. The last sentence however was spoken in a dangerously low and hissing voice, expressing all the anger that was boiling inside of him. To say that Sirius was stunned would be an understatement. He had never seen Harry lose control just like that.
But before he could think of a possible way to respond, he felt Harry's scrutinizing gaze leave him and the teenager jumped to his feet again, walking swiftly back into the direction of the house. Sirius got up and followed him, though he had no intention to catch up with his godson this time. As long as Harry wasn't running away anymore, there was no need to force his presence upon him, and Harry had looked as if he needed some time to contemplate it all.
Harry entered the house through the front door and Sirius guessed that he would immediately head upstairs into his room in an attempt to avoid Remus.
When he closed the door behind him, he heard Remus' voice from the direction of the kitchen.
"Sirius?"
Sirius entered the kitchen and the look on his face told Remus everything he needed to know.
"I heard Harry dashing upstairs a moment ago. I take it didn't go well then, did it?"
Sirius sank down into a chair and sighed, burying his face in his hands.
"No, you could say that it didn't go well at all."
Remus moved his chair closer and put a hand onto Sirius' shoulder, a little hesitant to re-establish physical contact.
"What happened?"
Not taking his hands away from his face, Sirius sighed again.
"The short version is that he was running away until I chased him down as Padfoot. He ignored me for as long as he could, and then accused me – well, basically us – of lying to and hiding things from him. And Harry neither likes being lied to, nor does he like it when things are hidden from him. It seems he's had enough of that to last for a lifetime. I don't know what to do, Remus. I don't know what to do about Harry, I screwed it all up and now I just don't know what to do."
"Go to bed, Padfoot. We all need to sleep, and then tomorrow we can think of what to do. Tomorrow Harry might be more open for talking. And then we'll have enough time to talk as well. Let's just call it a night."
Sirius nodded and got up from his chair, for a moment standing hesitantly in front of the door. Eventually, he pulled out his wand and summoned a blanket and two pillows from upstairs.
"I think it would be better if I slept down here tonight. I don't think it would be wise to share a room until…as long as we don't know where all this will lead to. I…I'm sorry Remus."
Sirius nervously ran a hand through his long hair and then turned into the living room. Remus looked after him for a moment before he got up and went after his friend. From the doorway he observed how Sirius tried to arrange his long form on the small sofa, without success until he eventually took out his wand and lengthened the sofa to fit his size.
"Wouldn't you be more comfortable upstairs in your bed while I take the sofa?"
Sirius arranged the pillows under his head and then looked up at Remus.
"No,
it's alright. Go to bed, Remus. Good night."
Remus nodded.
"Okay."
Sirius extinguished the lights in the room and turned on the sofa until he had
found a comfortable position.
"Sirius?"
"Mmmphh?"
"I'm glad that you're here. That I'm here with you."
Sirius turned around again and opened one eye, gazing at Remus in the half-light that streamed into the room from the lamp in the kitchen.
"So am I, Remus."
Sirius' tone indicated that he had no idea where this conversation was leading.
"But Harry comes first, Sirius. I know that. Harry always comes and will always come first. He *has* to come first. I just want you to know that I'm aware of that. We'll do what's best for Harry."
For some long moments, both locked their gazes and just stared at each other, amber eyes looking into blue ones that seemed darker than their usual shade due to the lack of light. Eventually, Sirius nodded.
"Good night, Sirius."
And Remus turned around and left the room, though he had no intention to go straight into bed himself.
Instead, he climbed the stairs and came to a halt in front of Harry's room.
Maybe it was no good idea to try and talk with the teenager while he was still angry. If even Sirius had not succeeded with that, Remus doubted that he would. Though he and Harry had grown a lot closer during the past three weeks, the bond Harry shared with Sirius was still a lot closer.
Before he knocked, Remus placed a strong silencing charm on the room. No need to wake up Sirius if things got a bit ugly here, and judged from Harry's mood chances for an ugly conversation were quite high at the moment.
Hesitantly, Remus knocked at Harry's door. When no answer came, he knocked again. The second time received no answer as well, and Remus concluded that he was being deliberately ignored. He knocked again and opened the door slightly.
"Harry?"
"Go away!"
Remus pretended not to have heard and stepped into the room, closing the door behind himself. Harry was sitting on his bed, glaring at him.
"I
said go away!"
"Harry, please let me explain. You can be angry as much as you like, but
please hear me out first."
"No, I bloody well won't! I'm fed up with people telling me what to do and
when to do it! I don't have to hear you out, and I don't want to hear you. Not
at all, got that? It's all lies anyway, because that's what everybody keeps
doing. Everybody lies to me, or keeps the truth from me and I'm royally fed up
with all that shit! Why don't you go downstairs and shag Sirius or
something!"
"Harry!"
"NO! I said go away, is that so hard to understand? I don't want to see
you or Sirius right now! Not anytime soon, and preferably as little as possible
in the future! I thought you were different, but you're just the same. I don't
want to see you, so get out!"
Startled by this very aggressive outburst, Remus bit his lip, but then nodded
and turned towards the door.
"I'm
sorry you had to find out that way. Really Harry, I'm sorry. Good night."
"Get out!"
Remus closed the door behind him, took down the silencing charm and automatically went into his own bedroom again. As he sank down on the bed and looked at the empty mattress where Sirius had slept during the past nights, he sank back into his own pillows and buried his face in his hands. That was pretty much the deepest shit he'd been in emotionally for about one and a half decades. And he had no idea how to get out again. Realizing that sleep was out of question for this night anyway, Remus sat down on his bed and started to brood.
