DISCLAIMER: I don´t own Firefly, the show and all the characters belong to Mutant Enemy and Fox
NOTES:
Hope you aren´t bored with this story yet, cause I´ll get to the good stuff in the next chapter … I promise, just need to lay the groundwork and hope I´m not boring you …….
And last but not least : This Chapter is for you little sister Kate …..though you might never read it!
And Feedback would be very nice, any suggestions?
BELONGING
Jayne stared into her eyes with an almost menacing expression on his face, teeth bared in a challenging grin.
" You sure you wanna go there?" he growled.
River just smiled.
They were sitting on opposite sides of the table, a dismembered gun in front of each of them.
" Fine ….three, two, one ..Go!"
They both reached for a part of their weapon, but Rivers hands seemed to fly over the table as she reassembled hers. Her mind was completely clear, like a calm, silvery lake. She knew the names to all the different parts, knew where they went …..what their function was…..she did not know where that knowledge came from, she just knew.
River didn´t even need to look at her hands, her eyes were fixed on Jayne and the look of outmost concentration on his face ……he loved this.
River smiled and put her hands down on the table, she was almost surprised to see the reassembled gun lying on the table in front of her.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jayne saw that she had stopped moving. He looked up to see her sit there, hands folded neatly on the surface of the table. His eyes went from her hands, to her face and finally lingered on the gun.
What the hell…..
Jayne put his half assembled weapon down, cocking an eyebrow at her.
He took the gun and pulled the trigger a couple of times, to make sure she had put it back together in the right order and that it was working.
River said nothing, she just watched him, trying to hide the amusement on her face.
Jayne shot her a marvelling look.
" How did you do that?" He seemed to be asking her this question a lot lately.
" I told you I don´t know…. It´s not a thing I do consciously. It´s like …..a cool liquid flowing through my mind very slowly and I just know ……know the parts, their names like old friends. It´s like a puzzle, putting it together. And my hands know what to do……"
Jayne nodded. He knew he should probably not dwell on the thought, but the fact that she knew her way around guns…..
" …..makes your heart sing." River completed his thought quietly, looking at her hands.
" I can do it with my eyes closed"
" Aw…" he laughed, shaking his head again. " Now you´re just teasing me!"
That ruddin´ little girl…did she know that she had just become irresistible to him? Two weeks ago he had wanted her off Serenity for good and now ….
River gave him an enigmatic smile.
He was enjoying this…..he was relaxed, for the first time he seemed to be completely at ease, being alone with her. She could feel the warm, golden feeling fanning out inside her chest.
This was good, not stuck, not struggling uphill……they had made it to a plateau and she liked it there. She wanted this to last.
" Try me." River finally said.
Something was amiss. Malcolm Reynolds couldn´t really tell what it was, he just knew that something was happening.
There were a lot of reasons why he couldn´t sleep …..not every night, but every other. Some of the things he had seen and experienced in his life were bound to give a man nightmares, and the recent update on torture- techniques by that leech Niska had not improved that condition. But this was not one of those nights…..
This night was different, something had woken him up, but it had nothing to do with dreams. He had heard a strange, unfamiliar sound. Since the incident with that bounty- hunter
Mal had found himself listening to the sounds on his ship a lot more.
There it was again …..laughter, someone was laughing ……Jayne was laughing.
What the hell was going on ?
Hesitantly Mal turned on the lights, sitting up in his bed.
The sound came from the mass…..
Jayne couldn´t help it. His eyes followed her little white hands moving in as blur as if she were performing some weird hypnotic trick…..and not just reassembling his favourite rifle. Her eyes were closed and her face completely relaxed….she needed less than ten seconds to put Vera back together.
River opened her eyes to meet his gaze.
" You are really somthin´else, y´know that ?"
River put the heavy rifle on the floor, shaking her head.
" It´s not me …." She answered. The fuzzy feeling was still there, warm and comforting.
" You are nice."
Jayne raised his eyebrows at her.
" No, I´m not!" he returned in an almost disgusted tone of voice.
" But you are ….right now! See, you can be ….."
" Don´t say that!"
" Why not?"
" Cause….I don´t like it." He told her exasperated " I don´t like …."
" ….anybody to see that side of you?" she finished for him. " You think it will make you look weak or a lesser man?"
River extended her arm over the table, her hand following an invisible line on his chest. She could feel the scar tissue under his shirt, tracing it with her fingers……the scar she had caused.
" You are never completely at ease with me around, because you can not predict what I do. You don´t like that, it makes you nervous ……so you are always waiting for something to happen…..always so guarded. You fear that this…..me, that I`ll make you weak.!" She whispered eerily.
Jayne covered her hand with one of his, stopping it´s journey over his chest.
" Stop that." He ground out between his teeth, his eyes boring into hers. " I don´t like it, the way you look into my mind every ruddin´ time you feel like it!"
River returned his look, unflinching.
" You are not weak." She finally said very seriously, accentuating every word.
She felt him squeeze her hand, felt his steady heartbeat, the rising and falling of his broad chest under her fingers.
This was new territory for both of them.
For a minute Jayne just sat there, unsure what to do, holding her hand there, right over his heart.
A part of them hated this, her seeing through him…..
He didn´t like expressing his feelings, had he ever been good at it neither, but there was something that he felt needed to be said. She had pried him open like an oyster……made him connect with her in a way that he had never connected with anybody else….
He did not know how much she knew already, since she seemed to know pretty much most of the things that went on in his mind. Still, for some unexplainable reason he felt the need to relate his feelings to her.
He shook his head in resignation, this was so not like anything he would do …..it was all her ruddin´fault!
" Don´t know if I could deal, ya know ? If you went all crazy again…..
I mean not the way you are now, the way you were when you first came here. If you wouldn´t remember the things you said or done. You keep sayin´ how lonely and dark it´s all been for you. Well darlin´ I´ll tell you somethin´ and you´d better listen ruddin´well because I´m only gonna say this once ……you ain´t the only one who´s been lonely."
Jayne still couldn´t believe he had said that, even though he heard himself say the words.
River just looked at him, but she understood. He could see it in her eyes.
She nodded slowly.
" There were times when I thought that I might never find my way out of the woods, because there was no way to see, just trees and beady eyes watching me from the darkness. They watched me stumble around, unable to make sense of anything….-and I thought I would stay like that forever, stay there in the dark ….growing old, withering away. Now that I have begun to struggle it is getting easier to find the path…..and when I´m with you, sheltered in some unfamiliar way….."
Slowly he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the inside.
She had been right all along. They might be the most mismatched pair, but they had found each other and now …….no power in the ´verse would keep him from this crazy little girl.
She seemed to know how his mind worked, what he thought and why he did the things he did ……and it didn´t seem to scare or disturb her. She accepted it, understood it even.
Suddenly River violently jerked her hand from his grip, only mere seconds before he could hear footsteps in the corridor and Mal ´s booming voice.
" Now , what the hell is going on here?"
Jayne looked from the Captain to River who seemed to be busying herself with taking apart the Ruber & Decker again.
Somehow she had anticipated Mal´s approach…..and reacted to it just in time.
Mal took the whole scene in and he did not like what he saw. Apart from the fact that this was ….. Jayne and River of all people! Sitting in the mass together …in the dead of night …..playing with guns…..without trying to hurt each other …..apart from that? Now wait a minute! This was not right, this was …….insane!
" What are you doing here?" he repeated, growing more irritated by the second.
Good question …Jayne thought to himself …..and he had no answer to that question, at least none Mal would like.
" Nothing." He finally croaked, trying to sound as though it was no big deal.
" Doesn´t look like nothing to me!"
Mals gaze fixed on River who was quite obviously in the process of slowly dismantling one of Jayne´s guns and with very adept fingers at that!
" Jayne?" Mal hissed " Can I talk to you for a minute …over here!"
" Sure." Jayne tried to not look at River as he moved over to where Mal was standing.
" Would you please explain to me what the hell you are doing?"
" What do you mean?" Jayne stalled.
" What do you mean ..what do I mean? Are you daft? You ruddin´well know what I´m talking about!" Mal wanted to yell, but he kept his voice down, looking over to where River was sitting. She had finished with the gun and sat at the table, head bowed and hands folded.
" You and her sitting here together in the middle of the night…..what kind of stunt are you trying to pull ?"
" I´m not trying to pull anything!" Jayne spat out offended. " Look …..I was just sitting here, cleaning my ruddin´ guns when she walked in. Couldn´t sleep either I guess,……….with her brother drugging her up constantly , no surprise there if you ask me…….. so we started talking and she….."
" You …talking …to her?" Mal interrupted nonplussed " Are you kidding me? And you let her handle your guns…? Have you completely lost your mind?"
Jayne stole another look at River, who was still sitting unmoved, as though none of this concerned her. But Jayne could tell she was listening to every word that was said……..did he just see her lips twitch?
That gorram´ girl! Did she think this was funny …him being grilled by Mal?
Jayne had to force himself from grinning. Yeah ..he let her handle his guns, even Vera ….he´d let her handle a whole lotta other things too…….again, that was something he´d better not mention to Mal if he wanted to keep breathing oxygen. Better not to dwell on that thought then!
" You said she was part of the ruddin´crew!" he answered instead.
Mal made a face.
" What does that have to do with anything …..Wash is part of the crew too and I don´t see you cleaning guns with him!"
Mal shook his head in utter confusion. Had somebody by any chance hit Jayne over the head with something really heavy?
"Not too long ago you wanted her off this ship …..the sooner the better! And now …this …" he gestured in Rivers approximate direction.
" The ammunition is in my bunk….they are not loaded." Jayne explained " And …seriously Mal." He looked the captain in the eye. " I Think there are some things that you need to see…"
He took Mal by the elbow and lead him back to the table.
" Show him.."
River looked up to them with an expression of outmost innocence on her face.
Jayne had to surpress a grin ...again.
" That thing you did with my guns …show him."
Mal ´s gaze wandered from River to Jayne and back.. Apart from the surreal nature of this whole situation there was something else that he couldn´t quite put his finger on ……
River just nodded.
" Now watch this , Captain." Mal heard Jayne say, but his eyes were trained on River.
Mal could not help it, every time he looked at her she reminded him more of a pixie ……he would not be surprised if he´d find too perfectly pointed ears under that unruly mass of dark hair.
The girl took a deep breath and closed her eyes, the same instant her hands moved over the parts of the dismantled gun. Mal had never seen her hands move that fast or with that much accuracy…or anybody else´s hands for that matter. In mere seconds she had put the weapon back together, pulling the trigger to make sure it worked.
Mal stared at her dumbfolded.
He had known that River was special, that there were things she knew, things she did …things she was capable and that was probably the reason why the alliance was after her….but this …
" How did she do that?" Mal whispered, still in awe.
" She doesn´t know."
" I don´t know." River and Jayne answered.
Mal gave them a startled look.
" That does not change the fact that you should not touch any guns!" he told River sternly" And you should probably go back to bed now, before your brother wakes up and finds you gone …."
River resisted the urge to tell Mal that the only thing that might be able to disturb her brother´s sleep would be a stampede ……
Mal almost sounded like Simon, they both had this way of talking to her sometimes, as if she were a child …..that soft, careful way.
She like the Captain a lot, he had saved her ……not forsaken them when they were being kidnapped, he was not as hard and ruthless as he pretended to be ……anybody could see that.
He was a complicated man and sometimes she could sense the pain he had buried deep inside of himself. He had a dark place too……a place, a time that haunted him. His was full of death, dark and cold and muddy ……trenches filled with grief and disappointment. That was one of the reasons why he couldn´t stomach defeat. It was something he never wanted to accept ever again after all the blood- spilling and dying……
River shook her head, trying to chase the feelings and thoughts that emanated from him from her mind before they would overwhelm her.
She could feel Jayne ´s eyes on her.
River nodded and gave the captain a faint smile.
Jayne`s eyes followed her as she ascended the stairs and disappeared into the darkness of the corridor. Something told him that it wasn´t her bed she was going to end up in.
Mal turned to him, searching his face.
" The guns?" he asked angrily.
" She told me that she could reassemble the Ruber & Decker in less than 6.5 seconds……" Jayne answered uneasily " I wanted to know if it was true …and then …well , it´s like a ruddin ´ puzzle for her."
" And what did you two talk about, if I may be so bold to ask?"
Jayne turned towards the table and started to put the weapons away.
" Dunno …things, her brother and the drugs, she´s getting better. I think I get her now…." .
" You get her? " Mal looked sceptical.
Jayne cocked an eyebrow at him.
" What´s that supposed to mean?"
" Nothing, just that I find it hard top believe that you of all people suddenly tell me that River is getting better and that you get her…… I vividly remember her trying to cut you up into little pieces because she thought you´d look better in red. And you tried to sell her to the alliance …."
" I wouldn´t do that anymore." Jayne interrupted him. " And she didn´t mean to do that …."
" So what ….you´re best buddies now ? What is it with you and River all of a sudden ?"
" She knows."
" What?"
" She knows what I did ……she knows, she already knew that day."
" Ha …" Mal thought about that. " Doesn´t really surprise me, you know. That girl has ways of knowing things. But I think she is getting better now, like you said. Her brother´s medication seems to work.. She´s still far away from being normal, but …..she´s progressing it seems."
Jayne put the handguns into a big leather – pouch.
" Struggling uphill, that´s what she calls it." He told Mal, who was still observing the taller man with a look of faint suspicion on his face.
" I don´t know how anyone can overcome sumthin´ like that in a matter of weeks or even months."
" How would you know?"
Jayne thought about it for a minute. Now he was in a little bit of trouble….but he didn´t like Mal´s way of thinking which implied that he didn´t know what he was talking about…hell if there was somebody on this ship who knew it would be him.
" I saw part of the deal, part of what happened to River at that gorram´ academy…"
Mal looked at him, brow furrowing.
" What the hell are you talking about? How could you have seen any of it?"
" Well…" Jayne scoffed " I was there, for one!"
" You were there ?" Mal started to wonder if maybe Rivers crazyness had rubbed off on Jayne.
" Yeah, that gorram girl showed me ……showed me what they had done to mess with her head, came to me in a ruddin´dream!"
Mal´s eyebrows rose almost high enough to touch his hairline.
" You dreamt of River?"
Jayne ignored the implication.
" A few days ago she …don´t know how she did it, but she came into my dream and took me on a little tour in her mind. I saw at least part of what these government creeps did to her…." He looked Mal in the eye.
" …and it was bad Mal." Jayne said seriously.
" We´ve both seen a whole lotta bad things, done some bad things too, when we thought we had to, but that …..she´s just a little girl. She does not deserve this!"
Jayne realized that Mal was still giving him an assessing glance. " Why you looking at me like that?"
" Well….." Mal said slowly " That´s mighty interesting, don´t know what to think about all this. And I ´m amazed …..you do actually have a heart. I knew all that , you know …I mean about her being a little girl, a strange, scary sometimes even dangerous girl, mind you, but you are right …..she did not deserve this. Nobody does."
Mal smiled sadly before he snapped out of it.
" Well we´d better get some sleep too, got that deal tomorrow once we arrive on Tribus."
When he returned to his bunk, Jayne found her sleeping in his bed again. He put the weapon´s pouch down quietly, and carefully placed Vera on the table before he knelt down in front of the bed. Slowly he moved one of his thumbs over her tightly knitted brows. She mumbled something incoherent but did not wake up.
He took of his boots as quietly as possible and laid down next to her. Putting one arm around River´s waist from behind, Jayne pulled her to him, her back flush against his broad chest.
Jayne inhaled her warm, clean scent and rested her head next to hers.
She was fast asleep, so he could just go with it and behave like this…..be like this with her.
She felt so dainty anfd fragile in his arms.
" The only person I need to be protected from……the only person I want to be
protected by …" he remembered her say.
Where the ruddin´hell was all of this going?
Half the time she seemed to fight a war with a part of herself, in and out of her mind all the time ……..and yet, when she made sense, when she was in control it all made perfect sense to him.
In her sleep River rolled around to bury her face in the crook of his neck. Jayne held her closer, kissing her forehead before his chin came to rest on the top of her head.
When he woke up, River was gone.
