"Well, that was a completely unproductive ten minutes," she muttered. She said this, but she was not happy about having lost. Next time she'd have to fight meaner. She'd say Kyouichi even in her thoughts, not Saionji as he made everyone know him by, and put his given name into every other sentence... Next time she'd tell him how much better than him Touga was at everything...yes, everything...
What was she thinking? Didn't she have better ways to spend her time? Not only had she picked up this habit of trying to verbally beat people into the ground, now she was actually looking forward to the rematch and planning her next attack. He wasn't even the one she was supposed to be attacking, and she should be planning an attack with a sword, not words.
Yes, that must be it. Her heart knew she wanted to fight, and her aggression came out because she hadn't begun to channel it properly. She would take up Juri's offer and start training. Of course she had to train with the fencing team, but not necessarily because she could wield a rapier better than a katana. She couldn't train with the kendo team because of who the captain was, obviously... Last thing she needed was Kyou-i- chi trying to make her turn red with bad cracks about kendo sticks.
Something about the kendo jock was bothering her. It wasn't that little row, it wasn't the punch bowl incident or even the fact that he was the only person other than Touga, not quite invited, to touch her and never failed to taunt her about it. Not even the part about watching them together. There was something beyond that, the thing that had frightened her when she first saw him through human eyes, some warning from the depths of her mind.
Was he, perhaps, hurting Touga more than she knew? This thing that was keeping Touga out nights, did it have something to do with the Vice President of the Student Council? The thought made her hands clench into fists. She wouldn't put it past him...
They could be just out doing it. No one would hear about that. But even if the midnight liaisons were with Kyouichi, perhaps especially if it was Kyouichi, Touga would be teasing her about it.
If Kyouichi knew what was keeping him, well, he certainly wouldn't tell her. If she asked him he'd just do a more conceited equivalent of pointing at her and laughing because he knew and she didn't. Even if he had no idea, he'd do that.
But she was supposed to be saving her anger. Saving it for Tenjou Utena...
There was time to train, time to collect her anger. Surely someone would tell her if she was to challenge Utena the day after tomorrow. He would let her know when the time was right. Now, she had things to figure out. She'd read that sometimes things make more sense if you write them down, and that was why people kept diaries. She didn't need a diary, but she would write down all the facts and see if they made any more sense on paper before they all became a useless jumble in her head.
Then, sooner or later, she could begin the search for his diary.
It was eleven at night and, as she'd predicted, he was not back yet. Nanami would be asleep by now, and slept downstairs anyway. She had a notepad to keep track of where she'd looked in case she didn't find it tonight. The search began.
She wished she could get Miteki to help, but the shy girl wouldn't want to be involved in something so underhanded, especially not in Touga's rooms.
Yumi started with the box under the bed. There were toys with purposes she couldn't even guess at, and books on the bedroom arts, but nothing that interested her at the moment. She scoured the room and found no trace of her quarry. She hadn't expected to find it in the pink room. She wiped her forehead and moved to the room that had an appearance of a study, which seemed a much more likely place. The clock there said quarter after midnight. He wouldn't return until around two at the soonest. A young Touga and a young Kyouichi, each holding a kendo stick over his shoulder, smiled from a photograph.
They were happy in the picture, eyes bright, eager as if looking forward to something. But look where time has landed them, she thought sadly. How did things get so wrong?
She'd find him that happiness again. That was why she had to fight for him.
She looked first in the bookcase. If she had a book that she wanted to keep hidden, she would hide it among other books. But there were only textbooks and literature. Every time she saw a book without a label, her heart jumped. But every time it turned out to be no more than that—a book without a label.
There were a couple of cabinets with nothing interesting, old papers and things.
She went to the desk. The biggest drawer was stuck. No, it was locked...
The desk drawers were all locked. Her heart began pounding.
She had no hope of finding the key. It would be hidden under a carpet or between the pages of a book, somewhere only he could know. She'd be better off trying to pick the locks. She read that it was possible to pick a lock with a hairpin... Not that she had a hairpin.
But Nanami would.
Could she really get away with sneaking around Nanami's rooms? She had no idea how heavily the blonde mosquito slept. Wouldn't it be safer to just get one from Miteki and come back later?
Safer, maybe. Convenient, no. It was one-thirty; anyone who professed to be a model student would be fast asleep. She wouldn't have to go in Nanami's bedroom; there were probably hairpins lying all over, needed at her fingertips to hold that dorky braid she always wore. It wouldn't be hard to find one...
Wait—
In the bottom of the box under the bed, there had been a small key. It was probably to handcuffs. But it might be to the desk. Or it might work just the same.
She retrieved the little key. Her heart thumped in her ears, whether from the thrill of subterfuge or the fact that she was probably about to find something out, she wasn't sure.
It was the right size, but it wasn't the right key. Not about to give up, she wiggled and joggled it...
The desk was old, and the first tired lock gave way finally.
Biting her lip against a victory yell, she opened it, gingerly so it wouldn't squeak.
Letters. Lots of them. Letters with the Ohtori seal. Letters from End Of The World?
Saionji Kyouichi has lost the duel.
Kaoru Miki will challenge the Engaged tomorrow.
Arisugawa Juri will duel the Engaged tonight.
The Black Rose Project has failed.
The Black Rose Project? What the hell was that? Yumi stared at the card with its terse announcement, wondering if this was the culprit for his late-night excursions.
But the letter was dated weeks ago. He would not be meeting over a failed project.
These did not seem to contain any information of value to her. She didn't think of looking for letters that mentioned herself. Instead she pushed the letters around to see if they hid anything; they did not.
She tried each of the other drawers. Two were stuffed full of love letters, and a third was being filled. Surely her own was among them.
She found it in the last drawer, the bottom left—an unassuming volume bound in ordinary black leather. Her throat was dry, and her soul panged with guilt or foreboding. Scarcely daring to breathe, as though it might crumble in her hands like an ancient manuscript, she took it up and opened it carefully.
Names. Dates.
Names and dates. Names and dates. Page after page.
Kasahara Fujie. November 6 1994. November 28 1994. December 19 1994.
Matsumoto Sachi. November 12 1994.
Kobayashi Marika. November 20 1994.
Hashida Naomi. December 2 1994. December 4 1994. February 8 1995.
Sakamori Etsuko. December 8 1994.
On and on and on. The great majority were girls' names. Some had three dates beside them but most had one. The dates were never spaced very far apart. The book was about three-quarters filled.
She gasped, realizing what this was. It was no diary, but a record.
A record of everyone who'd ever made eyes at him, everyone who'd ever been with him—and everyone whose heart he'd broken.
She flipped to the first page. The headings were there on the first line.
Name — Meeting — Pillow — Breaking
Her soul hurt. What kind of pain, what kind of loneliness, drove a boy to this?
How could she hope to end something this powerful, this terrible? Against the juggernaut force she felt like a college student in Tienanmen Square. (She really must be reading too much.)
Wait a minute. There was a name missing that should probably be in here. It should probably be one of the first names...
No, it wasn't there. Saionji Kyouichi was not in here at all.
Strange...
Tenjou Utena was there on the third to last written page. There was only one date by her name.
She already knew the last name. Maigo Yumi. Two dates, two consecutive days. She put her fingertips to the page, feeling the little raised patterns from the writing on the other side.
Only when tears spattered on the page did she notice that she was crying. She quickly wiped them off, hoping it wouldn't smear too much, or she might be in trouble. Speaking of trouble, it was quarter after two.
She put the book away. Picking locks was all well and good, but would the handcuff key work to close them again? She hadn't thought of that at all...
Anguish blurred her vision and made her impatient, and she was near to shrieking with frustration by the time she got them locked again, all except the one with the letters from End Of The World, on which she gave up. And after all that, she was no closer to discovering what was keeping him out.
Chest heaving with suppressed tears, she tried to make sure nothing looked like it had been tampered with. Finally she flung the key back into the box and pushed the box back into its place, and then collapsed on the bed, weeping.
Only minutes later, he found her like that, sobbing into a pillow like the flighty heroine of an old movie. Showing what seemed like quite genuine concern, he ran to her and took her into his arms, but she only cried harder, guilt wracking her for everything that she knew, despair for his despair swallowing her whole.
"I love you," she wanted to say, but she didn't. Because he couldn't believe in it.
Touga, meanwhile, was getting very nervous that her sorrow was due at least in part to hormones. It wasn't as though he'd never had to foot an abortion bill with Student Council money before, but nobody liked having to take care of that kind of thing. If it was true she'd have to notice sooner or later. For God's sake, she must have at least read enough to know how babies were made...
"Ssh, Yumi, Yumi, it's okay. You can tell me what's wrong. It's okay. Tell me..." If she said she didn't know, that would be the red flag—or lack thereof, so to speak.
No I can't, she thought, but a sort-of lie came easily to her lips. "Saionji's being mean to me again! Why does he like making me cry?"
Does she go looking for it, or what? he thought. "Because I hate seeing you cry. Because he has a bitter heart and he enjoys upsetting me."
"I'm not you!"
"Of course, but he can't make me cry. He can only make me angry at him for hurting you." He stroked her unruly hair. "The only tears I like to see from you are tears of laughter."
And wouldn't it be nice if she could believe him? Didn't he just want to put the third date next to her name?...
But maybe... Maybe burned like a distant lantern in the night.
She didn't have any other way to live. Whether he cared about her, whether he pretended to care—in a fool's paradise it made no difference.
And she was being weak. Weak! She was stronger than this! She had the strength to love him without falling into despair! It was not knowledge that gave her the strength. It was simply the essence of herself.
"So make me laugh," she said.
"There, that's it." He smiled and wiped away her tears. "You can't let the stupid things he says bother you."
The scent of the rose garden was on him again. It made her nervous, but what could she do about it?
"You know, there was a funny story a couple of years ago..." He told her a rumor about a couple who, while engaged in the act of love up against a hinged window, accidentally pushed the window open. The girl fell out stark naked from the (luckily, first-floor) window onto the ground, and from that day forward she was known as "Splat."
This did make Yumi laugh quite a bit. "Then what did you do?"
"I wasn't there, silly girl. It was a boy named Nobutaka or something, and I was in middle school when that happened."
"Oh, really."
"Yes, really."
"If you say so." She yawned. "Oh, what a long day."
"Long day? What were you up to?"
"Reading too much. And what about you?"
"The usual."
The usual, she thought, in that he won't tell me what the usual is.
Immediately Yumi began training with the fencing team. As it was clear she was Juri's new protegée, no one gave her grief for starting so late in the year. Then they no longer considered doing so. In three days she learned what took most students a month. She had an astonishing skill for absorbing any knowledge, including that of how to use a sword. She did not show a particular talent for fencing, but simply for learning.
"If you can keep up this progress, you'll have to join the team," said Juri. It was as gracious a compliment as she ever paid anyone.
"Thank you, Arisugawa-sempai. I thought I wasn't a fighter, but I think I'd like to." She'd join the team if Juri asked her to, because Juri was helping her out.
"You don't have to be a 'fighter,' you just have to be spirited. Step!"
"I bet a lot of people would say I'm spirited, but they probably mean crazy."
"Sometimes, it's the same thing. Thrust! By the way, did you ever find it?"
"Yes."
"And? Parry!"
She didn't hesitate about answering; Juri by now had her complete trust. "It wasn't a diary at all. It was a book of names. Names and dates."
"You mean—? You're kidding me. Sweep!"
"I'm not. It was a record. Of every—single—person!" Yumi made vicious movements on those words and nearly managed to disarm the team captain.
Juri stepped back. "Excellent. You must try to channel your feelings like that. But be careful not to concentrate on them—if you become too angry, you're done for. It's a fine balance."
"Yes, Arisugawa-sempai." That was perhaps the only advice on her feelings from Juri that she took to heart, or tried to.
After practice Juri mentioned that Miki had dueled Utena again (and lost again).
"Really?" said Yumi, eyes wide.
"Yes. It seems like all of us are fighting her again, and probably you for the first time."
"I guess it's coming soon. Well, I'll work hard."
"I wouldn't expect anything less."
Tired from reading and fencing all day, she began falling asleep before he got home on those nights when he stayed out, and completely forgot to worry about the fact of his late returns.
A week passed. She read during the school day; she fenced in the afternoon; and after dinner she helped the conscientious Miteki study. "Normal" students were nervous about finals. Yumi was nervous because she wanted to fight.
"Why did you join the fencing team?" Miteki asked her.
"Well, I'm not really on it yet," said Yumi. "But Arisugawa-sempai invited me to try it. I guess she thought I was suited to it—though I wouldn't have counted myself as either elegant or a fighter. Maybe she just wants to look at me in the locker room."
Miteki laughed loudly.
"You could try fencing, too," said Yumi. "I bet it'd be a great way to impress Miki. I even seem to be impressing Arisgawa-sempai, and she certainly doesn't impress easily."
"Oh, no, I wouldn't be good at it. I like watching better."
"I don't think I'm very good either. I'm just good at being spirited."
"Well that's true."
"If you like watching, you should come more often and cheer me on. Except if I'm practicing against Miki. I'll forgive you if you don't root for me then."
Miteki giggled. "Oh, that's a relief."
It was time to help her friend study, and Yumi set to it, though her mind was elsewhere, on sword techniques and floating upsidedown castles. Thankfully she didn't have to concentrate too hard, since she had the answers and was quizzing Miteki.
She wanted to fight; her nerves were constantly on edge for it. If she had to wait around much longer she'd just burst into Utena's class and attack her.
"She beat the Sword of Dios with a broken kendo stick," Touga had said. "She beat it again with an ordinary sword borrowed from Juri, that snapped under its power but somehow defeated it anyway. It stuck in my mind, the way she looked when she won, her girl's uniform all ripped, holding a broken sword, the pink rose on her chest. She looked so victorious, righteous, almost...smug. Like she was only there to claim something that was hers by right."
What made Utena think she had the right? There were people who deserved the Power of Dios far more than she. She had her true self, strutting around in that boy's uniform with her masculine mannerisms, thinking herself so strong and noble. Yumi would show her the meaning of the strength it took to love a real prince.
Step! Thrust! Parry! Sweep! Step! Thrust! Parry! Sweep!
She would scatter the petals of that white rose.
"Yumi-chan, you broke my pencil!"
"Oh...sorry."
Touga was there when she went to his room. Night had just fallen.
"There's a beautiful sickle moon," he said. "Let's go for a walk. I know a perfect hill up on campus to see it from."
"That sounds lovely," said Yumi romantically, thinking he must mean to make love to her in the moonlight. They left the Student Council dorm, hand in hand. Like a real couple.
Fool's paradise or not, it was paradise. And fool or not, she was happy there...
Walking across the bridge, they saw the place was deserted; everyone was studying. They said nothing, listening to crickets chirp and feeling the breeze off the ocean. It set her mind at peace.
They climbed the hill at the edge of campus and sat down beneath the tree at its summit, looking at the pointed crescent moon. A smear of dusk still glowed in the west, faintly illuminating the phallic spike of the Tower where the Student Council met. The moon was indeed beautiful.
"I don't know if there's anything that makes me so happy," she murmured, "as looking at something beautiful with you..."
"You're better at living than most of us," he said. "Nearly everyone forgets to enjoy things like that."
"Not you. You always take me to see beautiful things. You feel this happiness too, don't you? Together like this, you can't feel alone."
"I think you have an extraordinary capacity for happiness. I like you smiling, because it shines out of you and warms everything else. You're right. When you smile, I don't feel alone. That's your power." He wasn't even sure how much of what he said was true, and how much was just to take her in. It was true that sometimes, with her, he felt just a little bit less alone.
She smiled for him, and leaned into him. She didn't have to say what she felt.
"You're lucky among human beings. You know that you don't have to look farther than a moonlit night with another person for happiness. That's what makes you so strong, and braver than me..."
She looked at him; in the silver light he seemed pale as a ghost, but for his hair that gleamed softly. "How can you say I'm braver than you?"
"I told you, I can see the strength it takes to feel as you do, and be true to your feelings."
A warm pride lit in her. He may not accept her feelings, but he did admire her for it. He really did understand her. But she said meekly, "Sometimes bravery and stupidity are the same thing."
"You certainly aren't stupid. You read too much, for one thing. So you must be brave."
"I'm sure it's a combination of the two," she laughed.
"I think not. It's nothing like stupidity that makes you unwilling to give up. I think you're even brave enough to hear..." He cupped his hand to his ear. Something growled in the distance, like thunder. But the sky was clear. "Can you hear it?"
"What is it?"
"If you haven't given up your soul entirely...you should be able to hear this sound racing at the end of the world..."
The growling grew closer. It was not thunder, but a motor...
And then he stood before her, his shirt thrown open, hair streaming, the light of the evening sky upon him, magnificent and sensual against the Tower and the night. She could only stare in awe. No—the light was—headlights? The growling motor was a red convertible that appeared from nowhere. Surely she had fallen asleep watching the sickle moon with him, and was dreaming?
"Then come, journey with me to the world you desire!"
She got to her feet as though in a trance, ready to follow unswerving wherever he would take her.
But the driver of the convertible was—
"EEEEEEHH!?"
She would not be afraid. If he was beside her, she would not be afraid.
The engine of the car made sensuous vibrations, its hedonistic energy seeping into her, so that she wanted his lips on hers, but not with...
Not with the Trustee Chairman there in front of them!
It seemed like a dream, it should be a dream, but Touga was real.
"Didn't you say you've met the Trustee Chairman, Ohtori Akio?" he said.
She shivered, perhaps more from the wind of the convertible than the fact that Ohtori Akio was driving it. Touga held her close, into the warmth of his bare chest. But semi-arousal and semi-fear made her snappish. "Yeah, I said he's a creepy fuck."
He laughed incredulously. "Don't say things like that when he's right there! You could get expelled for less."
"Good, then I won't have to be in this stupid midlife-crisis car with him! Will you kindly enlighten me as to what the hell is going on?"
"Ssh, Yumi, I know," he murmured, caressing her in a way that was more amorous than comforting. "Don't be afraid. I'm going to show you your destiny..."
"What, am I doomed to sit in the back of a speeding convertible driven by a creepy fuck my whole life? Kill me now! And what is up with that outfit—"
He kissed her, and she couldn't protest, even though kissing him with Ohtori Akio nearby did make her feel cheap as a pornographic manga at a train station kiosk. But the throbbing of the engine...and...
"Tell me..." he said in her ear. "Tell me what you think love is."
"What kind of 'love'?"
"Any kind. What is the common essence of all love?"
"The essence of love...is longing for another's happiness," she said without hesitating. The definition simply came to her.
"So when you say 'I love you,' that means you want my happiness?"
"Yes, obviously!" He knew all this already, but if he was going to make her say it, she could not just say it, she had to declare it, announce it, no matter who might be listening. "More than anything, with every last bit of my strength, that is what I want! Even more than I want to be with you, I want you to find your true self and your happiness!"
"That's noble," he said reverently. "That's true nobility. Truer...than Tenjou Utena's. And you'll defeat her. For me."
"I will!" Her hair whipped about her face, and his about her neck in the bracing wind, and the power of her feelings filled her. She was no longer afraid. "But what's this about showing me my destiny in a red sports car?"
"He is the only one..." Touga nodded toward the Trustee Chairman. "The only one who truly knows the Power of Dios."
"What?" She looked forward at Ohtori Akio's flowing lavender hair and epaulets, and something clicked together in her mind. Fury blazing on her face, she sat up. "You—it's you! I should have known! You're the one—and—you lying demon!" She kicked his seat. "Well, say something for yourself, you fucking bastard!"
Akio shifted gears and the car accelerated, growling louder. She could tell he was smiling. "Honestly, Maigo-san, try to learn some manners," said the voice of secrets.
"Eat shit and die!" she screamed. "I'll kill Tenjou Utena and I can kill you too!" She reached up and shoved him.
Akio chuckled softly. She had only figured out that he was the one keeping the Student Council President out at night recently. What would she do if she knew the whole story?
She shoved him again, more violently, and her ring sparked, jolting her with something like electricity, as when it had first gone on her finger. She gasped.
"Hm. She's purring nicely, isn't she?" In a dashing and impossible maneuver, he leapt out of the seat over the windshield and flipped onto the hood. The car drove itself. Was this road even real?
He isn't human, she thought, realizing that she actually had plenty to be afraid of. Lucifer the Morning Star—! But she shouted fiercely, "Yeah, you'd better be afraid of me, motherfucker!"
"Yumi, really," Touga scolded, and kissed her again; the engine thundered, vibrating through the car, through her body, seemingly through the whole world...and everything else disappeared.
The sun shone bright and hot the next day. Yumi spent much of the morning not in the library, but in the fencing hall, alone.
After lunch she went to the rose garden where Anthy and Utena were hanging out.
"Hi, Utena," she said. "I just wanted to apologize for what I said at the party."
Utena smiled. She'd known the aqua- haired girl didn't mean it. It must be hard, after all, loving someone like the Student Council President... "Oh, that. That's okay."
"No, really, I'm sorry. You see, I lied to you," said Yumi. "I said I wouldn't challenge you."
Oh no— thought Utena. She had guessed too highly.
Yumi stared coolly. "But that wasn't true. I'll be in the dueling Arena after school. See you then."
"Why?" said Utena. "Why do you want to duel me?"
Yumi plucked a white rose and seemed to contemplate it for a second, then she dropped it and ground it beneath her toe. "To show you what true nobility is." She smiled with cold confidence and walked out.
"Oh, I wish she hadn't done that," Anthy sighed. "I liked that flower."
"Chuu," her pet agreed.
Anthy and Utena looked at the crushed petals ruefully. Yumi's heart would probably end up like that, Utena reflected. "They really should have sent Kiryuu Touga to a boys' school."
The gondola brought Utena and Anthy into the Arena with a shower of pink petals.
Yumi stepped out in front of the red convertible, and Touga followed. She stared wide-eyed at the huge expanse of the Arena, the sky so wide it seemed there was no earth below them. Perhaps there wasn't. It was a place of magic, as evidenced by the glittering castle that hung above. She remembered the shimmer of countless watchers. Surely, they were all watching her now...
Her uniform was changed. It was now not unlike a Student Council member's: turquoise pants a shade darker than her hair, white military-style jacket with red trim and turquoise cord, darts on her arms and brass decorations on her shoulders.
"Are you ready to fight for me?" said Touga.
"I am always ready to fight for you."
He attached a rose the color of her hair over her heart. "Remember how strong you are..." he murmured.
Utena held in a sigh. How many people would he use this way?
"Now, Yumi—" With a caress he put his arm on the small of her back, and she bent almost double, gasping as the light gathered at her solar plexus, and the hilt of a sword appeared—a strange sword...
He grasped the hilt, and it felt as though he reached into the depths of her soul, and for that moment he possessed her completely. It was painful...and yet right...
The sword floated in the air for an instant before she took it. It was like no sword he'd ever seen. There were delicate carvings upon the blade, and the guard was twin flowers sprouting from the elegant hilt, some kind of tropical flower colored quite realistically—paulownia flowers. And he saw that the filigree designs all along the blade were vines with flower buds and intricate snowflakes. Paulownia-winter-bud...
The sword was his name.
What was she?
The churchbells pealed, heralding the arrival of a strange new duellist.
She looked at the elaborate sword in her hand. "This...is my sword." Eyes flashing gold fire, she held it high. "I really should fight with his sword, don't you think? Because it is him I'm fighting for. But frankly, I'm not sure his sword would kill you, however much the bearer wished it to. So this is my sword, and by my sword you will die."
"What?" cried Utena. "Why do you need to kill me!?"
"I must kill all those who hurt him!" Yumi slashed at the air.
"Hurt him—?" Utena threw an angry glance at Touga. "Don't you see he's just manipulating you?"
Yumi took stance and pointed the blade at Utena. "I am not being manipulated! My feelings are my own!" But then she remembered Juri's advice. She must channel her fury, not be ruled by it. "Do you know of the unseen watchers?" she said, looking up to where they must be perched on the great stone structures. "Of course not. You know of nothing but your own 'noble' principles. But the unseen watchers are here. The ones who used to be my friends must be there somewhere. I can almost hear them screaming at me..."
Utena and Anthy exchanged looks. This girl had seriously had her head messed with. Even though Anthy, in truth, knew exactly what the new duellist was talking about.
Yumi fixed her gaze again on her opponent. "Well, are you going to fight? Or are you just going to stand there and stare at me like an idiot as I scatter those white rose petals, stained with your blood? Granted, it's all the same to me."
"Don't let him do this to you!" Utena tried one last time.
"En garde, Prince Utena."
"If only that will show you his true face..." said Utena regretfully. "Anthy..."
"Yes, Utena-sama."
For some reason, it was in reverse from what Yumi recalled. The Rose Bride took the Sword of Dios from Utena. What was going on?
Well, Utena's sword of false nobility would be no match for her.
Almost before Utena had the sword in her hand, Yumi was upon her. Sparks flew as she blocked the thrust from the flower-sword.
Cars pushed up out of the Arena floor like new crocuses through snow, all clones of the red convertible with the OHTORI license plate. The first car circled the duel, carrying Touga and Anthy.
The swords clanged. In the magical Arena Yumi's will gave her the strength of a seasoned fighter; she never took her eyes off Utena. Utena thought she saw a hint of Juri's style. With each strike Yumi let out a warlike cry, her face set in determination, her flower-sword curiously exquisite but quite bent on being deadly. Utena had to fight defensively.
Things ran through Yumi's mind; fencing practice, the image of Utena's name written in the book, echoes of Touga's voice. "You have brightness inside you. ...Because you want to fight for me."
There was music, drifting in and out of her hearing like a bad radio station. She remembered watchers who shone with majestic light, their voices pure as dawn: they were the ones who sang their mysterious songs during the duels.
Anthy could hear the songs clearly. She always listened. It was the music of her destiny. "Loving and dreaming, ah! Mysterious and strange, ah!
Fire, consuming itself; stars, burning out.
One by one points of light glow and die.
Formed of the void, returning to void.
Shamed by the chariot of Apollo.
Wish upon a star, the voice of the night." The lyrics of these songs were puzzling at best, but the Rose Bride understood every word. She learned much about the duellists this way, and much about humanity as well. The chariot of Apollo—did this new duellist know the truth behind that line? Anthy smiled to herself.
"Having fun, Anthy?" Touga remarked idly.
The Rose Bride giggled inwardly. She knew far more than Yumi did. "Wandering fire, defying nonexistence.
The brighter they shine, the faster they die.
Burning to death, the destiny of stars.
Self-destructive codependency, the destiny of angels."
The fighting girls were wearing each other down. Soon, one would make a mistake. "Can you—defeat me—with the sword—of a fairy-tale dream?" Yumi taunted.
"Don't tell me—that you don't—have dreams!" said Utena. How did Yumi seem to know so much about her? "Your sword—is more dream—than mine!"
"You think so?" The gun in the dark came up in her mind, which seemed to be showing off a medley of everything she'd experienced, and Yumi remembered it was Utena who had put him in that state. She remembered that, and with a fierce yell she struck, and the Sword of Dios went spinning across the Arena. "What do stars dream? Do they dream they are angels?
Ophelia, Magdelene, Psyche, Astolat.
What are the stars in your sky of dreams?
If you do not love, will you live forever?
Worlds are made of the corpses of stars.
Supernovas become black holes."
"If you want to be noble, try loving a real person!" shouted Yumi, triumph on her face.
Utena somersalted to dodge the final strike, barely escaping, and darted toward the Sword of Dios. Yumi ran to charge again—but something made her nerve waver.
The Rose Bride was staring at her from beside Touga in the circling car, that half-amused I-know-something-you-don't-know stare that her elder brother did so well. But there was a trace of pity in it as well, more like I-know- something-you-don't-know-and-I-hope-you-don't-find-out-because-it-won't-be-pretty.
Himemiya Anthy, tending the roses with her shy sinister allure, sister to End Of The World, what did she know?
Fear struck suddenly into her heart, and Yumi stumbled. Touga murmured her name, trying to warn her.
Utena skidded and turned, taking up the Sword of Dios. The headlights of all the up-ended cars switched on, blinding light gathered— "Catch-22, vicious circle of tragedy.
Angelic light, ancestral light, firefly light, dream light.
Stars twinkle and worlds crumble.
A galaxy destined for darkness,
A doomed universe, consumed in the eternal flame." Somewhere a red convertible screeched and crashed.
The light faded. Aqua rose petals scattered.
"No—" Yumi stammered.
Utena kept her face blank, knowing that sympathy or anything like it would only infuriate Yumi.
"Your Rose Whore was staring at me! She made me trip! She's not allowed to interfere!"
"Yumi, I don't think you wanted to fight," said Utena quietly. "He made you feel like you had to. But deep down, you knew..."
"Oh, why don't you tell me what I knew, you fucking clueless drag king!" She could only lash out against the despair that came from knowing she'd let him down.
Looking away, Utena didn't reply.
Touga was beside her. Yumi couldn't meet his eyes. She sank to her knees. "Touga. I'm sorry—I failed you."
"You disappoint me," he said. "But I was fairly certain you would. Because you see..." He leaned down to whisper in her ear, "I love her."
The amber eyes went round in utter dismay. "No. NO! You—you can't—"
"Don't you get it? She was right, I have been using you. I just wanted to see if you could defeat her. But it appears even your so- called love isn't strong enough."
"Who do I have to kill to prove it to you?!" she cried. "Utena, Akio, Saionji, Nanami? The whole school? Or maybe just myself?"
"Prove what?" He looked faintly amused.
"Fine! So go on, love her! But she won't love you, she's stupid and weak."
"You're kidding!" Utena shouted with a look of outraged disgust. "Did he tell you that he loves me? That's—that's bullshit!"
"If you really loved her," Yumi realized, her horrified belief gone, "you wouldn't make me hate her."
"Do you think I care who you hate? Or love?" he said. "If you feel strongly about someone, it's only a matter of time before those feelings betray you."
"My feelings never betrayed me! You're the one who enjoys betrayal so much!" Yumi looked at him then, her face a mask of raw anguish, trying to fight the thought that every moment of truth had been a lie. "Hikaru-no-kimi..."
"I'm not your Shining Prince. Genji could never walk away."
"You can't turn your back on me!" It was an attempt at a threat. "I know everything!"
That frightened him for a split second, but he never showed it. "Oh, Yumi-chan. No one will listen to a crazy, uncivilized girl like you. Least of all me."
"Will you stop tormenting her?" Utena interrupted furiously. "Get out of here already!"
"She doesn't really mind," he said smoothly. "She knew all along it was her fate. Didn't you, Yumi?"
Yumi swallowed, determined not to let him see her cry. Not when he wanted to see her tears. And not in front of Tenjou Utena, either. "Why do you want to prove everyone right about that?"
"It's got nothing to do with proving them right, of course. They just know me better than you think you do."
She looked helplessly to the castle in the sky. "Then I...I will...revolutionize the world."
He laughed at her. He laughed and, with that elegant flip of his hair, walked away.
He felt just a little bit guilty, having to go through all that in front of Utena, but since she was someone who believed the best of people, the damage could be repaired later.
Brightness inside me? Shining strength? thought Yumi, getting to her feet, staring at the castle with its lights sparkling and blurring in her vision. Was even that a lie?
"Yumi... I know." Utena couldn't help it, she remembered so well how it felt, she reached out to put a sympathetic hand on Yumi's shoulder. "He did the same thing to me. He used your own feelings against you."
"Don't touch me!" Yumi slapped her, and under the Arena's magic the force of her anger sent Utena sprawling.
"Utena-sama!" cried Anthy.
Yumi slumped her shoulders and closed her eyes. All the unseen beings were probably laughing at her too.
He was gone, to write in the third date beside her name.
Yumi's phone was ringing. She knew it was Miteki, but she didn't answer.
One day had gone by since the duel, not that she had any idea how much time was passing. Time seemed frozen. She was bound and determined not to cry, and the effort took all of her strength, leaving her unable to move or eat or even turn on the stereo.
Why was it that when one lost to Utena, one lost everything?
Maybe he'd just acted that way to make Utena mad. Maybe he'd come to her door with a rose for apology and take her back...
Maybe she was a complete fucking moron.
Even the birds outside seemed to be chirping, "Toldjaso, toldjaso."
Miteki, listening to the phone ring five, ten, fifteen times, knew with a sinking heart that the event she had foreseen the day she'd met Yumi had come to pass. And she knew Yumi probably wouldn't want to see anyone, but she made some miso soup anyway and brought it over. She knocked on the door and there was no answer; she found Yumi lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. Maybe she should pretend like nothing had happened.
"Hi, Yumi-chan. I brought you some miso soup," Miteki said tentatively.
"That's nice." Yumi's voice was flat and robotic.
"Don't you want to get up? Go for coffee or something?"
"No."
"It's not good for you to be staying in bed for so long."
"I'm trying to sleep. I can't sleep. Do you have sleeping pills?"
"Yumi-chan!" cried Miteki, horrified. It sounded like Yumi intended to take a whole bottle.
"What's wrong with sleep?"
"Don't kill yourself over him!"
"Don't be stupid. I'm not going to die. I just want to sleep." Yumi was vaguely insulted that Miteki would think her so weak, and yet, she was being weak.
Somehow, she'd get up again. When she could look back without wanting to cry, she'd be able to stand up.
She'd probably fall asleep if she cried. If she let the tears out, she could cry herself to sleep. But she refused to let herself cry, so she couldn't sleep.
"I could make you some chamomile tea. That makes you sleepy," Miteki offered.
"You have to study." Yumi was saying that she didn't want to be taken care of.
"Then get up and eat, so I can study," said Miteki. She wasn't sure if Yumi could be left alone.
"I'll eat when I feel like it." She was, of course, ravenously hungry, but it was better to think of the pain in her stomach than that in her heart. "I want to sleep."
"Do you have any chamomile tea?"
"Dunno."
"I'll just bring you some teabags, okay? It's really relaxing."
"If you really want to."
Miteki left and brought back four teabags, and a bit of honey to go with it. "I use this stuff all the time when I can't sleep. It works even better with honey in it. Want me to make you a cup?"
"I can do it myself. Please leave me alone."
"Come out to coffee with me sometime," Miteki invited, a note of pleading in her voice. "If you walk around you'll be able to sleep better."
"Maybe," Yumi said to shut her up.
"Okay. See you later." Miteki went back to studying, telling herself that she would just have to trust Yumi's determination, that strength and cheerfulness so like dandelions. Someone like her, who knew what it was to be "happy to be alive," could never give up on living.
Finally deciding that perhaps a full stomach would help her struggle toward sleep, Yumi ate the miso soup and some rice and made the chamomile tea with honey. She sipped the supposedly relaxing concoction, thoughts unavoidably getting replayed in her head like summer reruns, now that she did not have hunger pangs to distract her.
She had forgotten how easily human beings allow themselves to be deluded. Being human, it was a good deal more difficult to observe the human mind. Near impossible, in fact. She only retained what she knew from observation. She knew nothing of herself. Shining strength? Capacity for happiness? Those were lies. Teki- chan had said they were true, but only because Teki-chan hated to argue.
She had thought herself special, removed a bit from the rest of the human race—simply because her ears were pointy, her hair unusually messy, her navel not from the scar of an umbilical cord but from the seam of her spontaneously formed skin. But she was not different, not special. She thought the power of her love made her immune somehow. No such luck.
She was in love. She'd forgotten about all the other powers that might have sway over her. Believing he underestimated her love, she underestimated his unlove. She underestimated the addictive power of self-delusion, and the avaricious power of selfishness. Most of all she'd underestimated pain. She hadn't known before, really, what it was to hurt all by herself, with everyone thinking "told you so," and no one thinking "oh, he'll want her back," at the end of the road, the past negated and the future void. There was nothing, nothing left. She couldn't even take Ophelia's way out, too amazed at the extent of her anguish to act upon it. She had painted herself into this corner; she deserved no such easy escape route.
She had forgotten that roses have thorns.
But she would not weep for it. If he thrived on the tears of all those whose names were recorded with three dates after them, he would have no such tears from her. He could write that third date beside her name, but it would not be true.
She hurt, but she was not broken. She fell, but she would get to her feet again...
What she would do when she got to her feet, that was the question. She would think of that when the time came...if the time came. Now, all she had to do was not cry...
Having been awake for at least thirty-six hours, she finally found her way to slumberland. In dreams she asked people and unseen ones where he was, and everyone gave her the same reply: "Toldjaso, toldjaso."
She became nocturnal, walking the campus at night to avoid meeting anyone, and made a lunatic ritual of it. She put on the shimmering evening gown and walked to the rose garden, waiting, pretending she had stepped back through time to that first night and was waiting for him. It seemed almost possible in the bewitching magic there. When she had waited long enough for the fantasy to lose its power, she wandered the campus aimlessly until first light, always back in her dorm before the morning star came out to watch her with its mocking gleam. If anyone saw her about, they would think her a ghost.
After the third of these nightly ventures, a knock at her door woke her sometime in the afternoon. Thinking it was probably Miteki come to drag her out to coffee, she called, "Just a minute," and shrugged into some clothes. She might as well get some coffee and let Miteki see she wasn't dead. Yawning, she opened the door.
It was not Miteki at all. It was Utena. "The fuck you want?" Yumi was about to say, but when the door opened all the way she saw that Akio was standing beside the pink-haired tomboy.
She made a spastic movement, and after having stood up too fast from a sound sleep, she tripped over herself. Not very dignified.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, we startled you," Utena apologized, and went to help Yumi up. She was there because she felt completely terrible about being witness to Yumi's heartbreak.
"Are you alright, Maigo-san? We heard you were sick," said Akio, who had insisted on coming along.
Yumi was in a state of total shock—she hadn't seen any people for days, and for these two to break the pattern put her at a loss—and could not protest as Utena took the liberty of leading her to the couch. She was shaking.
"You don't look well," Utena worried.
Then Yumi recovered. She stood up and faced Akio, wanting to yell but knowing that would accomplish nothing aside from making her look bad. "You are not welcome in my room."
"Yumi, Akio-san is the Trustee Chairman," said Utena, a bit put off at Yumi's cold impoliteness. "Don't worry, he's really nice."
"You know, Tenjou," Yumi said conversationally, "the planet Venus looks very pretty from where we see it in the sky, but if you were to get close and land on it, it's all dark and poison and burning acid." Her implication was all too clear.
"What an awful thing to say!" cried Utena, and turned to Akio. "She doesn't mean it. She's just really upset."
"Oh, I do mean it," Yumi snapped. "Ha. I can't wait until you see what your boyfriend's really like."
"B- boyfriend!" Utena blushed profusely. "It's nothing like that!"
"Really? Then why are you both here?"
"Tenjou-kun mentioned that you'd had a shock, and wanted to see if you were okay," said Akio. "I felt bad too, so I wanted to bring you something...it's not much..." He held out a present, cookies or fruit or something. Probably an apple like Snow White's.
Yumi did not obey her first impulse and tell him where to shove it, but said evenly, "I will accept nothing from you."
Utena gasped. Refusing a gift was the epitome of personal affronts.
"Well...I'm sorry," said Akio, looking like he was trying not to look flustered.
"I doubt that," Yumi retorted, "but you will be."
"Yumi!" Utena scolded, insulted on his behalf. She got up to leave. "Well, I hope you feel better."
"Sorry to bother you," Akio added, and they left.
Yumi sighed in both relief and disgust, standing against the closed door as though they might try to come back in.
"No wonder she's staying in her room by herself," she heard Utena mutter in the hall.
"Well, there are always people who need to be alone when they're in pain, and lash out at anyone who wants to help," Akio told her. "Anyway, she's probably not very happy with my half of the species at the moment."
"Yeah, but she acted like she really hated you, Akio-san. It wasn't fair."
"People with anger in them often find targets for it for no real reason..." Their voices faded out finally.
Akio was mostly correct in his psychological assessment of her, except for the part about "no real reason." He very much deserved all the anger she had in her. But Yumi felt that right now, she would rip apart anyone she met. Perhaps she was reaching the point where pain turned into anger.
Only the night would tell her. Unless Miteki showed up for coffee, she would remain a night owl, the ghost who haunted the campus in the witching hours. She had a cup of chamomile tea and went back to sleep.
A week went by, and then another. She went downtown with Miteki several times, but was very silent. Since Miteki was naturally reticent, not much was said, and Yumi had no idea of anything that might be happening on campus. She continued to haunt it by night, living in a sort of purgatory. Feeling as though the same day repeated itself over and over again, she had no sense of time passing.
Angst occasionally arranged itself into lines of poetry. Yumi murmured into her coffee:
"It was foreseen but ignored—
Why must my heart
Belong to one whose own
Could crack diamonds?"
Miteki had nothing to say to that. But then she saw deep scratches on the back of Yumi's left hand, deliberate scratches, since they made the word nobility. "Yumi-chan, what's that!?"
"My tattoo? I made it with rose thorns." She seemed vaguely proud of it.
Miteki stared at her, grey eyes dark with worry. "Aren't you going to do something?"
"I don't know yet," Yumi replied. "When I figure out what's to be done, then I'll do it."
She tired of the dreamy rose garden and spent much of her nights wandering around the forest that hid the entrance to the Arena. She stared at the elaborate Rose Gate as though it had something to tell her.
One night it did tell her something.
She sat on the far edge of a fountain, trailing her fingers in the water and watching the ripples distort the reflections of stars. Stars that burned far away, like dreams...
Suddenly there were footsteps. She sat completely motionless, nothing more than a stray moonbeam.
It was him. Touga had come for her. Her heart soared in hope—then turned to ice and shattered, as she saw Utena with him.
They opened the Rose Gate and went up to the Arena.
Every moment of truth she had, Utena was stealing.
Yumi splashed the water, disturbing the reflections of stars. Stars that someday would burn out.
She stood up and tore off the hindering gown and flung it into the woods. Then she ran across campus, the mad ghost in the night.
Still she did not cry. She felt cold inside, as though someone had turned down her body temperature. In attempt to combat the sensation, she drank large quantities of tea, but the only thing that increased was the number of trips to the bathroom. Every breath she took seemed to ache in her chest. Perhaps she was so heartsick that she'd given herself pneumonia. When school began and the dorm was empty but for herself, she put on Ayumi at full volume, but turned it off after an hour or so because she developed a headache. She really felt ill. But she also had the distinct feeling that she was being tested. Are you still strong enough, Yumi? How much more can you take?
She was awake and working on her eighteenth cup of steaming tea when Juri knocked on her door and entered without waiting to be invited.
"Whatever you're going to say," mumbled Yumi, "I know."
"I'm not here to say 'I told you so,'" Juri said briskly. "That's your own business. I'm here to tell you it's no excuse to skip fencing practice for this long."
Yumi blinked. So there was one person, at least, who really believed she could get back on her feet. "I understand, Arisugawa-sempai. Please forgive me for being so lazy. I'll be there today."
"Good." Juri walked out as quickly as she'd arrived.
Yumi finished her tea and showered, then put on her uniform and went downtown with plenty of cash. She knew what she had to do.
What was that saying? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...
She went into the store that carried the school uniforms. "Excuse me," she asked the man at the counter, "but do you know where I could get something custom-made?"
"Ah, might you be Maigo Yumi- sama?" said the salesman.
"Um, yes," she said, confused.
"We've been expecting you. It's all taken care of; we just need your measurements. Tokiko-chan!" the salesman called. "Come get the young lady's measurements."
"Yes, Morida-san." A woman with short brown hair appeared and whisked Yumi into a changing room. Yumi was bewildered and made no protest as Tokiko asked her to strip to her underwear, then took out a measuring tape and measured everything on her that there was to measure, noting it all on a clipboard.
"Well, that's it," said Tokiko when she finished. "You'll get your new uniform in a couple of days."
"How come I was expected?" Yumi asked.
"The Student Council told us, of course," replied Tokiko. "You're one of the elite now."
"I was completely unaware of this development."
"What? But you knew to come here."
"I only came because I wanted a different uniform. Totally on a whim."
"That's funny. Well, Ohtori's kind of a funny place, isn't it? I'm an alumna myself."
"Really? Were you in the Student Council then?"
"Oh, no. But I worked there after I graduated, and here I am, still in this town. I guess I just can't get away," Tokiko laughed. But there was something sad in her eyes.
"What was the Student Council like when you were there?" Yumi was curious.
"Hm...actually, I don't think there was a Student Council back then."
"Oh, I see." Yumi didn't. She had no idea what was going on. And she had no intention of going to Student Council meetings, even if she did wear the uniform.
She had a late lunch and bought Juri a pretty hair clip for being so understanding, and got back to campus just in time for fencing practice.
Yumi's technique had become halfhearted at best. She tried to live up to Juri's apparent faith in her, but couldn't find the strength to wield the foil properly. Even Miki's look of empathetic kindness, which for some reason stirred her anger, couldn't resurrect her will. She tried to think of something that would make her "spirited," but all she had were old lies and new betrayals.
She just didn't care.
"What happened to your spirit, Yumi? I know you're stronger than this," Juri scolded after the unsuccessful practice.
"I'm sorry, Arisugawa-sempai. I guess I'm out of shape."
"Yes, you are, but not physically. Did you lie to us? You had me believing that you knew it was coming and it wouldn't get you down."
"It won't keep me down. I just haven't figured out how to get up yet."
"I'll tell you how to get up," said Juri, slamming her locker. "Stop letting what happened dominate you. If you look back, say, 'Yes, that hurt, but it has no power over me.' And don't worry about the future either. Separate the events from your feelings. I know better, myself, than to tell you to let go of your feelings. But move them forward with you. Haven't you ever heard that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger?"
"Well, I guess so," Yumi said numbly. "But what can I do, on my feet?"
"That's the part you have to figure out for yourself. Maybe it looks like there's no reason to stand again. But you can't see anything lying down."
The truth jolted her. Of course she'd never see what was to be done if she wasn't standing as tall as she could. "You're right. I really am being foolish. Arisugawa-sempai, may I ask why you're always so helpful to me?"
"Because Miki likes you, and because I liked the idea of a girl whose heart Kiryuu couldn't break."
"I haven't stood up yet because it's taking all of my strength not to cry," said Yumi, as though she had to put forth something in her own defense.
"You haven't wet your sleeves?" Juri was skeptical.
"Not for this. Not once."
"Well...you are something else."
Yumi could see that Juri didn't quite believe her, but it didn't bother her. That probably was the most implausible thing she'd ever said.
They joined Miki and went to the café terrace for sustenance. Yumi was grateful to him for not making a show of pity.
Miki, however, was thinking. There was something he'd figured out, but he didn't want to get Yumi's hopes up too high, for it made a good stepping stone from which to jump to conclusions. Besides that, it wasn't the most savory thing for her to hear...
Touga drifted into view with the requisite throng of giggly people. He didn't seem to notice Yumi, but decided to loiter around the open terrace.
"Let's go sit on the hill," said Miki, worried for Yumi's psychological state.
"Kaoru-sempai, I don't think my head's going to explode," Yumi snapped.
Juri covered a laugh.
Yumi drank her iced tea with a sensation of little needles sticking into her soul. She thought of what Juri had said about separating events from her feelings. Apparently she couldn't yet look at him without memories clawing at her. It occurred to her how much she truly loathed not being by his side.
But still, she could look. And she saw...
Something had changed. He wasn't quite as cavalier, a little muted in his flirtations, a bit regretful in his movements.
It worried her.
"Something's different..." Yumi murmured. Who would notice such things, if not her?
"Yes, he's been acting strangely," Juri remarked softly. "Ever since a little before you mentioned that he'd been staying out nights, we noticed..."
Miki gasped. So Yumi must know!
Yumi's fist crushed the empty can. She did know.
"We think...that maybe...he hasn't been acting entirely of his own will lately," said Miki carefully.
Yumi's eyes went sharp.
Juri nearly breathed a sigh of relief. That was the Yumi everyone remembered. "He's been paying quite a bit of attention to Tenjou. Maybe because he still wants to prove he can have her. But more because he wants to save her, I think."
"From?" said Yumi with eyes like a falcon's.
"From End Of The World," Miki replied very quietly.
The three of them looked at the Student Council President, his vital arrogance dimmed as he fought a losing battle.
Chivalry.
"She doesn't want to be saved," said Juri. "End Of The World is her prince."
"But who will save him?" Yumi whispered, her face white.
The two Student Council members looked at her. "Who among us can save anyone but oneself?" Juri mused.
"I will not watch him be consumed by our resident incubus," Yumi declared heatedly, and stood.
"Yumi-san, be careful," said Miki.
"If I knew the meaning of 'careful,' I wouldn't love him in the first place. Excuse me now." Yumi bowed a little and left in the direction of the dorms. Now that her path was clear, she wanted to talk to Miteki.
But she felt immensely tired the moment she started walking, and had to return to her own room and sleep.
In a dream, a name in the book glared at her. White butterflies with black spots became a flurry of Ohtori Akio's name cards.
She woke with a start at high noon the next day. It had never quite sunk in; she couldn't quite believe it, didn't want to believe it. But now she had to know. She had to verify it.
Surely it was only a weird dream, not a scrap of overlooked memory. Surely it had not gone that far...
This she hoped in vain as she had some rice for breakfast (lunch?) and looked outside. It was raining lightly, but the red umbrella was where she was going, and she wouldn't have taken it anyway. She snuck into his rooms and found the handcuff key, then went to the study, unsure if the dampness on her face was rain or cold sweat. Her gut was in knots, her heart racing. The lock came undone. Feeling caught in a nightmare, she took out the black book and leafed through the pages.
The name was there, as she must have already known. It was a page before Tenjou Utena, and the second date was right around when he'd returned to class.
Ohtori Akio with two dates.
She put the book away, trembling so violently that it was difficult work to get the drawer locked again. Before she managed it, her stomach began lurching rebelliously. She thought she saw a tall shadow watching her as she staggered to the toilet to part company with her breakfast.
She rinsed her mouth out and leaned against the wall, shaking. I am stronger than this, she told herself. I can fight. I can fight him...
She did one more thing, a dangerous thing, before she locked the drawer. She took a pen and opened the book once more, and scribbled out the third date beside her own name.
