Disclaimer: Don´t own them, please don´t sue me!
Notes: I will never tire of saying : THANK YOU for the feedback, it really means a lot you guys!!
This chapter is more of an interlude …I hope I´ll have the next one ready by Sunday……then things will start moving again. So please bear with me if this little ditty is not up to your expectations!
HEAVEN AND HELLFIRE
Jayne opened his eyes. Staring at the ceiling in his bunk he covered his face with both hands, eliciting a frustrated groan.
No use in even trying to fall asleep, like he hadn´t been trying for hours!
It was almost as if he could see her face in his mind……and the gorram girl was wearing one hell of an angry scowl.
Everytime he closed his eyes it felt like she was whispering in his ear…..and River had a lot of things to say, most of them very unpleasant.
Jayne knew she´d never understand their decision. It was the right thing …….but the ruddin´girl wouldn´t care!
She´d give him a piece of her mind if she knew…….and boy, could she talk! He know that from experience!
Good thing he wouldn´t have to argue with her over this, she´d never know…….
Taking a deep breath Jayne pulled his pillow from under his head and threw it against the far away wall in one fluent motion.
It smelled of lavender, smelled of her …….and as much as he wanted to pretend that things were resolved now………
River was still there with him in his ruddin´ bunk, like a ghost ……and some malignant voice in his head didn´t tire of pointing out that she´d never ever leave. The memory of them together would linger, just like that faint lavender- scent.
He needed to get a new gorram´ pillow as soon as they arrived on another planet.
He ground his teeth.
He should have known better with that girl……..she had managed to pry him open, started to care…….and all that had gotten him was…
She´d be mad as hell if she knew, would have a real tantrum …. That thought almost made him smile. She sure had a temper, all that spirit even when she had been out of her mind.
He´d have to stay clear of her……that´s what he´d do …..best ruddin´thing for all concerned.
River adapted fast. It took her less than a week to assimilate to the crew …….the speed of her miraculous recovery scared Simon sometimes. He remained watchful for any sign of sudden relapse, but his sister grew stronger and healthier every day.
There still was a decent amount of nightmares and insomnia to deal with, but as far as Simon could see his little sister was pretty much the same attentive, lively, soft spoken girl he remembered.
She still didn´t like to talk about the tests they had performed at the academy……her memories were hazy due to the heavy amount of sedatives the alliance scientists had administered in a very high dosage……..that much she remembered. But there were long periods of time of which River had no recollection ……Simon tried not to think about that too much. He was too happy to have River back.
River herself sensed her brother´s weariness sometimes, caught the looks he was giving her when he thought she wasn´t paying attention.
They took up cargo on some remote moon. River suspected that, even though the crew didn´t say anything, they were at least part time smugglers.
She didn´t mind. To her everything that had happened since she woke up was a big adventure filled with opportunities.
The people treated her with a hidden caution that she didn´t quite understand, but most of them were friendly and understanding.
Most of them …….the tall mercenary barely acknowledged her existence, never talked to her and mostly kept to himself. River secretly called him the grumpy one. He spent most of the time working out with the very likeable preacher or cleaning his vast collection of guns.
River wasn´t quite sure why, but the picture of the tall, silent man maintaining his weaponry always calmed her. It had a soothing effect on her that reminded River of something fairly familiar that she couldn´t grasp……every time she tried to concentrate on the thought it slipped from her mind.
By the time they had delivered the cargo to a group of settlers on a planet so far away from the core that it excited River, she had befriended Serenity´s young mechanic.
Kaylee was only a few years older than River and after a few careful approaches from River´s side, she got over her apprehension.
After all, Kaylee kept reminding herself, this was not the crazy River anymore …not the girl who had killed Niska´s men and the Reavers in cold blood.
Once she had gotten over her anxiety she and River became fast friends and Kaylee delighted in having a real girl as a friend. Another girl to laugh with, to talk about all kinds of girly things ……..she even taught River to help her fix the engine. Simon´s sister was a quick study.
River really liked Kaylee, it had taken her about a day to register that the pretty mechanic had a thing for her brother. From then on it had been River´s secret pleasure to make Simon squirm by asking tons of innocent yet sneaky questions about her ……..it was plain to see that he liked Kaylee too.
Three weeks after her recovery the life on board Serenity had gone back to as much of a routine as Mal could imagine ….. River had made herself useful in all kinds of strange ways. She had been helping out Wash with the navigation once or twice, since she was considerable good with numbers, she had helped the preacher with the cooking from time to time and her attachment to Kaylee, their friendship was a beautiful thing to behold. Lil´Kaylee had even started to let River help her with repairs.
Mal still didn´t know what to do about Jayne who pretty much kept to himself most of the time. After Inara´s warning words Mal had been just a little giddy. In fact he had been waiting for catastrophe to strike …..for a big explosion of badness to go off, but now that it hadn´t come…..Mal started to allow himself to relax.
Still there were times when it became painfully obvious that the training River had received, the things she could do ……they hadn´t died with the thing in her head. Neither Simon nor Mal were completely sure if River was aware of them or not. She still had precognitions……minor ones like knowing which kind of tool Kalee would ask her for before she did.
She was still a genius apart from that, able to calculate a route in her head just as fast as the computer……so far that didn´t worry Mal. It merely rattled Kaylee in the beginning, but once she had gotten used to that River and her had entered in the most amazing partnership. When Kaylee made alterations or repairs River would sit next to her, handing her the appropriate tools without Kaylee needing to interrupt their conversation. She just knew ……and Kaylee had found that to be mighty useful, more time for girly talk ….
Four weeks later, during one of their repair sessions, while the rest of the crew was loading Serenity with new cargo, River suddenly started to yawn.
" And then I told your brother that maybe if he could just loosen up a bit for….." Kaylee´s head emerged from under the engine, a little oil-smudge on her smooth cheek.
" Oh honey, are you tired? I´m sorry, I´m blabbering on and on and …"
River shook her head, yawning again.
" Just a little tired, that´s all!" River explained.
" I´m still not sleeping as much as I would like to…"
Kaylee´s brow creased up in sympathy.
" You wanna lie down for a bit? I´m almost done ….. the nightmares again?"
They had talked about the blurry nightmares before. Sometimes River still dreamt of men chasing her, their blue gloved hands grabbing her…..no matter how fast she ran, she couldn´t move fast enough. They always caught her and dragged her back to that place.
But this one had been different…….there were no blue gloves, no one chasing her.
" Yes …..weird one, very weird."
It was only a subtle change in Kaylee´s facial expression, but River caught in nonetheless.
" Weird how?"
River bit her lip, thinking how to answer. She had had that dream before…….though it wasn´t even a dream…….it was more like flashes of colour and noise, screaming ……she could hear her own heartbeat in that dream.
" Oh ….nothing really!" River gave Kaylee a smile that was supposed to reassure her.
" Just ……at least there are no government creeps and that´s always good! It´s not even scary!"
Kaylee looked at River for a moment, but there was nothing in her friend´s face or behaviour that seemed out of the ordinary.
Gee…..Kaylee shook her head, returning River´s smile. Now she was getting paranoid too…….no scientists in that dream, that was good. Maybe River was getting over that part of her life forever…..
There was a tiny sting of sadness as Kaylee padded River´s hand. She couldn´t quite shake the fact that she still felt bad for Jayne though…..
" Right, that´s good then, real good!"
Insomnia. It was something River Tam had gotten used to after a whole month on Serenity.
She stood in the empty, dark cockpit, staring into space through the front windows as the ship slowly glided through space guided by the autopilot.
River liked these lonesome, silent moments in the middle of the night, when she was the only one roaming the ship.
For once she did not feel under constant observation. They were all watching her. She knew that the crew had risked a lot for her and her brother, Simon had told her that. She was thankful for the fact that they had seemingly embraced her arrival and given her the possibility to feel useful by helping them, to feel like a part of something.
But …..there would always be a but , wouldn´t there?
But there were times when River distinctively felt like she was being watched…..almost as though they were waiting for something. So far River hadn´t figured out what that was.
There was something else still……..another feeling that she just couldn´t shake. The feeling that something was missing ……she couldn´t fathom what it was, couldn´t name it but …..there was something missing, something she couldn´t even define with words.
So River waited …..
She smiled bitterly, vividly remembering the worried expression on Kaylee´s face when she had brought up the nightmare.
The obscure flashes filled with screaming and running and …….most likely blood………
She hadn´t even told Simon about them and now she knew that she never would. She wouldn´t tell anyone …..
River could not put her finger on it, but there were feelings she could not deny…..feelings that unsettled her….. much like the flashes. There were moments when she felt a little lost, like she had lost her grip on …..something.
At first it had been nothing than a minor glitch here and there, until the feeling had grown stronger. Now it made her restless and uneasy……almost like her skin was not her own, like there was something amiss.
Shouldn´t she be the happiest girl in the ´verse? She had escaped the academy, she was free ……
Gingerly River stepped forward to press one hand to the cold glass that divided her from the oblivion of space. It calmed her somewhat.
She felt that Simon was not completely honest about the circumstances of her escape and it hurt her that he kept secrets from her.
She could feel it, there was something he was hiding ….. so now she was hiding something from him; her feelings, her dreams.
She breathed deep, leaning her forehead to the glass.
Now she had a secret too.
