DISCLAIMER: So obviously neither  Serenity nor the characters on board are mine …….they all sprung from Joss Whedon´s imagination and belong to him and Fox!

NOTES:    SORRY that it took me so gorram´long to update. It is in no way due to the fact that I received my very own copy of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX last week and just couldn´t put it down …….ahem……Sorry!!!

I will try to make amends.

SIMMER

There was still time…..River suppressed a high pitched giggle while looking over her shoulder. Kaylee was not too far behind.

They had landed on Celus about an hour ago. The crew would take up new cargo in the evening hours, but now it was only mid- day and that left plenty of time for some minor repairs and ……leisure time.

The preacher had spotted a clean, hidden pond not too far  from the ship and had agreed to accompany Kaylee and River for a swim. The thought of diving into cool water delighted River. Now they were racing through the ship towards the loading ramp where Book was waiting for them.

On the catwalk above the cargo- bay Jayne and Zoë were busy repairing a part of the railing. 

They heard the racing footsteps and the happy squeals before the two girls even came into sight. Jayne looked up from the steel bars they had just dismantled from the railing the exact moment that River ran towards them. Zoë could see disaster strike from miles away.

" Look out girls we just …."

Rivers eyes widened in understanding as she tried to slow down but it was too late. As she attempted to stop dead in her tracks Kaylee bumped into her, the impact made her stumble forward and would have had her colliding with the railing …….except that there was no railing.

" Oh God! River!" Kaylee shouted.

River let out a gasp.

The simple law of inertia was bound to carry her over the edge of the catwalk …….she could already see herself falling, crashing into the floor of the cargo bay.

The fall would not kill her ……it might injure her lethally though.

River could see it all play out infront of her inner eye the split second before she fell …..

Then she felt herself being fiercely pulled back from the edge. Two arms wound themselves around her middle, lifting her clean off her feet.

" What the hell you think you´re doing girl!" she heard him whisper roughly under his breath.

She felt his whole body tense as  the momentum of his movements brought her back flush against his chest…….his breathing changed subtly.

Jayne stared down at the top of her head as he pulled her away from gap in the railing, his breath coming out in a low, angry hiss.

Almost instinctively and without noticing River reached out with her mind……..encountering conflict and …….a fight within him.

It seemed as though time had suddenly slowed down. When he moved backwards, the heat of his body, the hard muscles moving under his clothes and skin, his strength ……….made a tingle go through River. The familiar feeling was back, stronger than before.

River closed her eyes. She could hear her own blood rushing in her ears, her breath ……..the feeling was tugging at her, leaving her breathless and bewildered.

The strange sensation washed over her like a wave breaking upon the shore........

And with a sudden certainty River knew that even though she had no memory of it, this was not uncharted territory for her. She knew this man unlike anybody else on this ship.

A sudden jolt made her eyes snap open. Jayne had put her back on her feet rather ungently.

His arms fell to his sides, releasing her quickly as though contact with her was searing his skin.

" Oh god! Honey, are you ok?" Kaylee rushed in, shooting Jayne an ominous  side- glance.

River shook her head.

" Next time watch where you´re running!" Jayne growled at her, giving River only a quick once over glance before he turned around. It had taken all his willpower to release her from his arms and the fact that he still couldn´t control his emotions drove him mad. Before ruddin´ River Tam had come along Jayne Cobb had never had the slightest problem with that.

" Gorram´girls!"

" We were going swimming ….." River mumbled still rattled and confused.

Once again the familiar rush had left her as fast as it had come …..leaving her clueless as to it´s nature.

As River slowly followed Kaylee out of the ship towards the pond, two of the puzzle pieces in her mind started to come together.

That cabin in her mind …….she was pretty sure she knew where to find it………

She was going to find out this evening when the crew was busy loading the cargo.

Something was wrong with her ……something that even Simon was keeping from her.

She could feel it .

It was a deja- vu  for all things concerned…..or at least that was the way it presented itself to Jayne Cobb. They had just finished loading the new cargo when Jayne stopped in mid-climb, half way down the ladder into his bunk.

There she stood in that very same spot he had last seen her before she had drugged him, wearing that same purple dress. She turned towards him slightly looking up the ladder straight into his face.

Jayne screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

Was he seeing things now ?

But when he opened his eyes she was still there.

" Watcha think you´re doing here?" he growled at her, jumping down into his bunk as the hatch closed above him.

She still stared at him with those ruddin´dark eyes that seemed to burn a whole through him.

River didn´t flinch at his harsh tone, even though these were virtually the first words he had ever really spoken to her since she had arrived on Serenity.

" We need to talk about something." she volunteered slowly, never taking her eyes off him. The tall mercenary moved in closer, shooting her a menacing look.

" You and me ?" He shook his head again. " Don´t think there is anything the both of us need talking about…..so why don´t you just clear out of here and annoy your gorram´ brother!"

There it was again……Jayne almost wanted to laugh…..that ruddin´ look of defiance in her pretty little pixie- face. He remembered it all too well and that was just one of the reasons he needed to get her out of here.

The impulse to do something really stupid was still there, even though Jayne had buried it deep inside of him …..the impulse to just snake one arms around that tiny waist of hers and pull her close, just for a moment. His fingers itched to run through that silky mass of dark tresses that framed her face.

Jayne made a fist and restrained himself ……he wanted to hit his fists against the wall very badly.

You are not weak…….that´s what she had told him once. Jayne didn´t feel much like believing her now, though she had believed……

She had been wrong…….there were moments when, despite of his physical strength, he felt incredibly weak. She made him weak…….her presence stirred up all these things that he constantly tried to bury inside of himself.

River waited, watching only the slightest hints of conflicting emotions on his face

" Why is there a place in my mind that looks like this?" she asked calmly.

He snapped out of his reverie in an instant, eyes focusing on her tiny frame again.

" Watcha´talking about?" he barked at her, but there was something in his face …just for a moment. River had seen it.

" In my mind ……there is a place that looks like this, like your cabin. I went there in a dream……I saw it!"

Jayne ground his teeth again. The impact of what she had just said took a few moments to sink in. So much for the gorram´amnesia…….Simon would have a fit!

" I wouldn´t know anything about that!" he told her dismissively before turning his back towards her, pretending to fumble with something on the table.

He could still feel her eyes on him, burning into the back of his neck with the intensity of her stare.

" Have I been here before ….in here?"

For a moment Jayne wasn´t quite sure if she ment his bunk or his ruddin´mind.

It was obvious now that maybe the doctor´s plan might not work out the way he planned to ……Jayne didn´t like this. Another situation he was not prepared to deal with ……he couldn´t even think straight with her around, so close ….

" Do you remember being here before now?"

" No." she answered simply.

Jayne nodded. So much for that…….

 He needed to talk to Mal about this. He wouldn´t like this either.

" So then …there you have it! Now get the ruddin´hell out of my bunk!"

Jayne didn´t need to turn around to know that River hadn´t moved an inch.

For a while none of them said anything…. …   River got exasperated. She slowly walked around him until she stood on the other side of the table, facing him again.

" But how is it possible? It does not make sense……how can there be an exact replica of your cabin in my mind, when I have never seen it?"

Jayne looked up, crossing his arms in front of his broad chest. There had never been a way to outsmart that gorram´girl! From the moment she and her gorram´ pompous brother had come aboard Jayne had known they would be trouble. He had just never thought that it was the kind of trouble he was involved in now…… not in a thousands years.

" How am I supposed to know what goes on in that gorram´mind of yours?" he shot back.

River breathed deep to calm herself again. The draw she had experienced this morning was back, like a magnet ………like swimming against the tide.

She let her eyes wander over him as he towered above her with his angry demeanour. It all seemed so familiar and yet she had no memory of it.

She felt at a loss…….there was something going on here that was beyond her and all traces lead back to this man who couldn´t wait to get rid of her.

" That´s not all …..there is something else. It´s weird and I can´t explain it………..I get this feeling. I don´t know how or why, but everytime our paths cross….it´s like a pull."

Jayne took a step back from the table. River took a painful breath.

She´d better not be going where he thought she was going with this ……that gorram´ doctor!

She was supposed to be better off this way, but right now it didn´t look like that to Jayne!

This was not back to square one …….not a new start at her life.

She said she didn´t remember and that was the way it was supposed to be! But what the hell was she doing here then? Snooping around, asking all the right questions …or the wrong ones.

River´s brow knit together as he moved away ever so slightly. Inwardly Jayne cursed himself. She had this troubled look again that he remembered so well ……..part of her confused, the other one impatient. He very much wanted to just step forward and gather her up in his arms……..do the comforting thing he had taken so long to come to terms with. But that would not go down well…….not well at all.

It didn´t go with  the way he presented himself to her……it would only make things worse. From what he could see……things had started to go downhill since the moment he had found her here.

River pulled another ragged breath.

The whole situation was almost like a dream, completely surreal……but there were things …….things did not make sense, did not add up.

She felt like she was going insane with the flashes that came and went, with the surge of emotions she couldn´t explain everytime she came near to this man.

There were things that she needed to work out, things she needed to understand……..things she needed to say.

" I burn …….now, that´s what it feels like inside." She swallowed hard, but never took her eyes off him.

" Since this morning ……I burn for you, I don´t know why …but I do!"

Jayne didn´t know what to say. Her words hit him like a sledgehammer, making his ears ring.

" Explain to me …." She went on before he could even utter a single word.

" If there is nothing to all this. If all this is just a weird coincidence…….your cabin in my mind, …why do I feel like I´m just treading water? Why do I feel like I haven´t really escaped …..that I ´m fighting against windmills? It doesn´t feel like I´m just chasing illusions! "

Jayne could see that she was going full tilt now and there was no way to stop her…..another thing he knew from experience! Even if he knew what to say, there was no way he could get a word in between.

Her eyes were ablaze ….the way she was talking now, her choice of words was not too different from the way she had been talking when she was out of her mind.

" I´ve never come out of the tunnel, that´s what it feels like. I´m still in the middle of that tunnel and so far I cannot see the light at the end….I feel like I never really stopped fighting, except that I don´t know against what."

Jayne returned her incensed look, leaning forward just a little bit.

" This fight you ´re talkin´ bout. Do you ever ask yourself if this fight is worthwhile?" he finally answered her trying to keep his voice neutral.

" Maybe you should ask yourself if there even is sumthin´at the end of that ruddin´tunnel worth fighting for."

River blinked, taken aback by his words. She had not expected this.

" Maybe it´s better the way it is. Maybe everythin´ is the way it´s supposed to be…..alright, you know? And there is no mystery to solve here."

River put her hands on her slender hips.

" I don´t think so!" she stated evenly.

Jayne ground his teeth again. That gorram´ stubborn girl! He didn´t know if he wanted to shake her like mad or ………

He really needed to get her out of here. There were too many memories here ……and a lot of them involved her trying to persuade him of something and touching …..

" Suit yourself!" he told her instead.

" The way I feel …..I don´t think this is the way one is supposed to feel when everything is alright!" River countered unimpressed. " I don´t feel it…"

" Now I wouldn´t know anything about that ………ruddin´ feelings stuff. You should talk to your brother, he strikes me as a sensitive guy, and now get the ruddin´ hell out of here already!"

River hadn´t felt very welcome in the first place. She hadn´t found any answers, only more questions.

" I can´t …" the words escaped her before she even knew it.

" Well you´d better, ´cause I don´t wanna hear about this ……so get out!"

" I can´t …" she repeated, slowly moving towards the ladder.

" What the hell are you talkin´ bout?" Jayne almost yelled.

" I can´t tell my brother how I feel ….cause I don´t. Most of the time …..I don´t feel…..anything."

For the first time ever River could see true emotion wash over his hardened features. He opened his mouth to say something but then thought the better of it. For a moment he looked as confused as she felt.

The information she had just provided him with had some impact on him, River could tell. Still, he didn´t volunteer anything that might be of help to her.

River pressed her lips together angrily until they were nothing but a small thin line and started to climb up the ladder.

He just stood there, his facial expression reserved once more. Only the fact that his hands had balled into fists so hard they made his knuckles turn white betrayed the reality that his emotions seemed to be in uproar like hers.

Before she opened the hatch River turned to him again.

" I´m looking for answers …….." she clarified softly.

" I just don´t know the right questions yet…."

Jayne stared up the ladder for what seemed like an eternity, even after she had left.

What had he expected?

Simon hadn´t been the only one who wanted to protect her from the things she had done……from the knowledge of what she was capable of. He had been the first to say that she should never know, though he knew it was exactly what Simon had wanted to hear so badly……but what if ……

What if they had been wrong?

What if all this was not just about the memories, what if it was about her nature?

If she found out another way…….how could she ever cope with that? Even if her memory did not come back, a part of her obviously knew that something was wrong…..instinctively.

I just don´t know the right questions ….

" Yet…." Jayne whispered to himself.

That gorram´stubborn girl ……..he should have known! He knew her persistence……..she would never let this go.

He needed to talk to Mal …..and Simon.

Yet……..