The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed

By DeadeyeDave

***

DED: Today we will enter the tangled web of consciousness that is Our Hero, Link.

Link: Howdy. How's every little thing?

DED: I'm asking the questions here, bucko. Get on the couch.

Link: Is it a green couch?

DED: No...

Link: MAKE IT GREEN!

DED: Why?

Link: (ranting) IT MUST BE GREEN! MAAAAAAAAAKE ITTTTTTTTT GREEEEEEEEN!

DED: Okay! Okay! It's green now!

Link: YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (jumps on the couch)

DED: So Link, why have you come to me today?

Link: You made me. I feel fine.

DED: Hmm. Totally lacks self-esteem, easily influenced by others.

Link: You threatened me! You offered me rewards!

DED: In denial.

Link: Whatever.

DED: Link, tell me about your parents.

Link: Both died when I was a baby.

DED: And how did that affect you?

Link: How should I know? I was a baby!

DED: I see. Okay, you were raised by a talking tree. Tell me about that.

Link: It was great! The tree would give me candy and my own house!

DED: And you don't find it the least bit odd to be fathered by a talking tree?

Link: Nope.

DED: Even the concept of a talking tree? Totally normal?

Link: Sure.

DED: Right. So, how did you come to be obsessed with the color green?

Link: I don't know. Let me think back...

DED: Any particularly special experiences related to the color green?

Link: Let me see. Being raised by a green tree, in a green forest, amid the green grass and the green waters...

DED: The water was green?

Link: Yeah! And so was the clouds, and the sky, and Saria's hair, and her clothes, and pretty much everything about the Kokiri in general was green.

DED: Ooooookay, I think that just might be significant...

Link: No! Wait! I got it! I first became obsessed with the color green because of...Zelda's eyebrows!

DED: Umm...

Link: It's all coming back to me! The courtyard, the Princess...the eyebrows! They were green!

DED: Well, maybe, but I think that...

Link: That's why I'm obsessed! Thank you doctor! I'm cured!

DED: But I don't think that...

Link: (climbing out of window) I guess I can go now! Thaaaaaaaaaaaaank yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou...!

DED: Hmm. Another tragedy that could have been avoided with proper medication.

SK: THAT'S ALL YOU EVER PERSCRIBE! DRUGS! THAT'S YOUR SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING!

DED: Looks like some one needs a higher dosage! (shoves more pills into Skull Kid's mouth)

SK: MMMMPH! STOP! I...(stiffens)

DED: (pushing over Skull Kid) Well, time to go home for the day.

Link: (from below) I'm not dead...just very badly injured...please help...someone? Hello?