Disclaimer: I only own the story that I'm applying to the characters that I don't own from the TV show that I also don't own.

AN: Ok I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who review me and keep me writing. I really appreciate it. I don't want to be someone who writes out responses to everyone all the time because I've read stories where I get excited because I think that they wrote a lot and half of it is just review responses. So don't think I love you guys any less b/c I don't say much!!! Anyway this chapter is more of the journal!

*** I misjudged this place. It's not all that different from New York City. It's Starshollow on coke. There's a whole underground industry here. When I came home last night, I heard some sniffling from the cabinet under the sink. Knowing that's where Lily hides to read, I went to see what was wrong.

She told me Jim and Sasha had been fighting. She said at first it was just yelling, then they started throwing things and it became physical. I asked what it was about and she said she wasn't sure but she was guessing drugs. I was shocked. I thought it was going to be another fight about me. Looking at Lily I could remember all the times I was in her position with my mother. I asked her if wanted to come with me to sleep on the beach for the night and we did. She curled up on my lap and I held her all night. For the first time, I'm really glad to be here. I don't want this little girl to end up like me.

When we got back this morning, Jim and Sasha were still asleep. I decided to look around to see if I could piece together exactly what happened the night before. I'm not exactly sure what happened next.

I remember finding their stash. The way they kept it I could tell that they both used and sold. Suddenly all I could see was this same white powder on my mother's bathroom floor. I remember her passed out next to it with blood trickling out of her nose. I was only about seven the first time I had come home to this. I remember thinking that she was dead. I was overwhelmed with both fear and relief when I had found her. The slight feeling of relief I had felt in that instance bothered me for a long time. What does that say about me if I was a little relieved thinking my mother was dead. Anyway, when I found her I didn't know what to do so I cleaned the spilled coke off the floor and wiped up all the blood. When she woke up she beat me for throwing away the "perfectly good cocaine" that had been on the floor.

As I stood there, eleven years later yet reliving that day, I began to react in almost the same manner. In reality, I was systematically emptying each container into the toilet and flushing, but in my mind I was simply cleaning up what my mother had spilled on the floor. Then everything went black.

When I woke up, I was still on the bathroom floor. Lily was sitting with me and she had locked us in. Outside, I could hear Sasha and Jimmy arguing again. This time it was about drugs and me. I looked up at Lily and she smiled.

"I'm going to have to leave you know," I told her. She nodded sadly. For a moment I saw a flicker of hope appear in her eyes.

"Take me with you?" she asked shyly. I didn't respond. I wish I could take her to Luke's. She is young enough that Starshollow could still save her. I wondered where her dad is. Had he left her like Jim had left me? I know I can't take her with me, but I can't leave her here either. I can't let her turn into me.

Instead of replying, I reached out to her. She curled up in my arms eager to be consoled. "How about another night on the beach?" I proposed. She smiled in agreement. She ventured out of the bathroom and got my journal and some blankets for us. I climbed out the window and we met on the boardwalk. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow when I have to face Jim. I know I'm not going to be able to stay, but where do I have left to go? ***