The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed
By DeadeyeDave
***
DED: Zelda: Man, Woman, or Hellbeast? That is the subject of today's investigation.
Zelda: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAT? YOU DARE INSULT...THE PRINCESS? I CHOPPA YOU GOOD! (hefts giant meat cleaver)
DED: I guess that answers MY question. Well, THIS is the shortest chapter ever.
Zelda: DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! CUZ YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FOOLISH MORTAL! (buries meat cleaver in floor, tugs to try and get it out)
DED: QUICK! I summon the power of BURLY STAGEHANDS!
(burly stagehands appear, straight-jacket Zelda)
Zelda: HEY! YOU CAN'T STRAIGHT-JACKET ME JUST BY SAYING SO IN PARENTHESIS!
DED: Yes I can, hellbeast!
Zelda: WHAT? NO! I'M NICE! I'M BENEVOLENT!
DED: Benevolent? With a meat cleaver?
Zelda: YES! BELIEVE ME OR I'LL KILLLLLLLL YOOOOOOU!
DED: Huh.
Zelda: Now, RELEASE ME OR YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT WILL BE A SWIRLING TORRENT OF PAIN AND MISERY!
DED: (sing-songy) Oh burly STAAAAAAAGE-hands!
(burly stagehands sedate Zelda with hypos)
Zelda: NO! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOUR PARENTHETICAL SUBDUAL! I'LL RUN A GARDEN HOSE FROM YOUR ARSE TO YOUR EYE...sockets...you...blithering...
DED: That's better.
Zelda: (drugged up) Whachu want wit me man?
DED: I'm trying to HELP you.
Zelda: But I dun need help, man!
DED: Yes you DO!
Zelda: (Bill Paxton from "Aliens" voice) I DO? OH MAN, MAAAN...GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!
DED: Let me put it in terms you or Dennis Hopper could understand. You're OUTTA YOUR FREAKIN' MIND, MAAAAAAAN!
Zelda: WHOA!
DED: SNAP OUT OF IT! (slaps Zelda)
Zelda: Ow! What's going on? Where am I?
DED: Have we found a happy medium between psychobitch and druggie?
Zelda: As far as I know, yes.
DED: So how long have you had these violent mood swings?
Zelda: What violent mood swings?
DED: And memory loss, apparently.
Zelda: Memory loss? What memory loss?
DED: ...
Zelda: WHAT'S GOING ON? I'VE BECOME UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!
DED: NO YOU HAVEN'T!
Zelda: Oh yeah, that's right.
DED: So you seem at times violently PMS-y, fluffy, and indifferent. From a strictly medical standpoint...what...the crap.
Zelda: Oh, don't mind me, I'm so bipolar at times.
DED: I...see.
Zelda: Sometimes I want to kill things. Other times I don't. Have some hot cocoa! (Pours DED a glass of hot cocoa with her teeth)
DED: Err, thanks.
Zelda: So I'm sitting in my castle, right?
DED: Right...
Zelda: And this guy IM's me and he's all like, "W00T! ZLDA! UR HOT!" And I'm like "D00D WTF?"
DED: Okaaaaaaay...
Zelda: So he's like, "LETZ CYBER CUZ UR H0TT LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!" And I'm like, "NO WAY UR LIKE CR33PY!" And he's like "BUT U BEZ TOTALLY 1337! NEVER PH34R CUZ I'M THE H3R0 OF T1M3 AND I H4V3 A 28 INCH W4NG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL"
DED: Ummm...does this story have a point?
Zelda: And I'm like "WTF LINK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? U R A PERV U GO AWAY!" And then I warned him like 20 times and blocked him cuz HE'S CREEPY!
DED: And is THIS why you're violently bi-polar?
Zelda: Maybe.
DED: Umm...
Zelda: AND THEN THIS OTHER TIME! I was at school, right? And this BITCH Malon comes up and is like, "Hey ZELDA! Do you want some of my eyeliner?" And I'm like "NO you SKANK-ASS BITCH I don't want your eyeliner!"
DED: What are you TALKING about? What's wrong with Malon's eyeliner?
Zelda: YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT! I HATE YOU! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME! (hops in straightjacket over to window, leaps out)
DED: Why is it that all my patients jump out that window?
Skull Kid: I DIDN'T! YOU DRUGGED ME UP GOOD!
Link: (from below out the window) What the...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH *WHUMPH*
Zelda: Hey! It's you! The creepy IM guy! And you broke my fall!
Link: Hey... anything I can do for ya while I'm down here?
Zelda: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Link: With my 28 INCH W4ANG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!
Zelda: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sound of meat cleaver being unsheathed)
Link: Err...
By DeadeyeDave
***
DED: Zelda: Man, Woman, or Hellbeast? That is the subject of today's investigation.
Zelda: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAT? YOU DARE INSULT...THE PRINCESS? I CHOPPA YOU GOOD! (hefts giant meat cleaver)
DED: I guess that answers MY question. Well, THIS is the shortest chapter ever.
Zelda: DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! CUZ YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FOOLISH MORTAL! (buries meat cleaver in floor, tugs to try and get it out)
DED: QUICK! I summon the power of BURLY STAGEHANDS!
(burly stagehands appear, straight-jacket Zelda)
Zelda: HEY! YOU CAN'T STRAIGHT-JACKET ME JUST BY SAYING SO IN PARENTHESIS!
DED: Yes I can, hellbeast!
Zelda: WHAT? NO! I'M NICE! I'M BENEVOLENT!
DED: Benevolent? With a meat cleaver?
Zelda: YES! BELIEVE ME OR I'LL KILLLLLLLL YOOOOOOU!
DED: Huh.
Zelda: Now, RELEASE ME OR YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT WILL BE A SWIRLING TORRENT OF PAIN AND MISERY!
DED: (sing-songy) Oh burly STAAAAAAAGE-hands!
(burly stagehands sedate Zelda with hypos)
Zelda: NO! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOUR PARENTHETICAL SUBDUAL! I'LL RUN A GARDEN HOSE FROM YOUR ARSE TO YOUR EYE...sockets...you...blithering...
DED: That's better.
Zelda: (drugged up) Whachu want wit me man?
DED: I'm trying to HELP you.
Zelda: But I dun need help, man!
DED: Yes you DO!
Zelda: (Bill Paxton from "Aliens" voice) I DO? OH MAN, MAAAN...GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!
DED: Let me put it in terms you or Dennis Hopper could understand. You're OUTTA YOUR FREAKIN' MIND, MAAAAAAAN!
Zelda: WHOA!
DED: SNAP OUT OF IT! (slaps Zelda)
Zelda: Ow! What's going on? Where am I?
DED: Have we found a happy medium between psychobitch and druggie?
Zelda: As far as I know, yes.
DED: So how long have you had these violent mood swings?
Zelda: What violent mood swings?
DED: And memory loss, apparently.
Zelda: Memory loss? What memory loss?
DED: ...
Zelda: WHAT'S GOING ON? I'VE BECOME UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!
DED: NO YOU HAVEN'T!
Zelda: Oh yeah, that's right.
DED: So you seem at times violently PMS-y, fluffy, and indifferent. From a strictly medical standpoint...what...the crap.
Zelda: Oh, don't mind me, I'm so bipolar at times.
DED: I...see.
Zelda: Sometimes I want to kill things. Other times I don't. Have some hot cocoa! (Pours DED a glass of hot cocoa with her teeth)
DED: Err, thanks.
Zelda: So I'm sitting in my castle, right?
DED: Right...
Zelda: And this guy IM's me and he's all like, "W00T! ZLDA! UR HOT!" And I'm like "D00D WTF?"
DED: Okaaaaaaay...
Zelda: So he's like, "LETZ CYBER CUZ UR H0TT LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!" And I'm like, "NO WAY UR LIKE CR33PY!" And he's like "BUT U BEZ TOTALLY 1337! NEVER PH34R CUZ I'M THE H3R0 OF T1M3 AND I H4V3 A 28 INCH W4NG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL"
DED: Ummm...does this story have a point?
Zelda: And I'm like "WTF LINK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? U R A PERV U GO AWAY!" And then I warned him like 20 times and blocked him cuz HE'S CREEPY!
DED: And is THIS why you're violently bi-polar?
Zelda: Maybe.
DED: Umm...
Zelda: AND THEN THIS OTHER TIME! I was at school, right? And this BITCH Malon comes up and is like, "Hey ZELDA! Do you want some of my eyeliner?" And I'm like "NO you SKANK-ASS BITCH I don't want your eyeliner!"
DED: What are you TALKING about? What's wrong with Malon's eyeliner?
Zelda: YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT! I HATE YOU! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME! (hops in straightjacket over to window, leaps out)
DED: Why is it that all my patients jump out that window?
Skull Kid: I DIDN'T! YOU DRUGGED ME UP GOOD!
Link: (from below out the window) What the...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH *WHUMPH*
Zelda: Hey! It's you! The creepy IM guy! And you broke my fall!
Link: Hey... anything I can do for ya while I'm down here?
Zelda: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Link: With my 28 INCH W4ANG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!
Zelda: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sound of meat cleaver being unsheathed)
Link: Err...
