DISCLAIMER: NONE of the characters are mine …..they belong to Fox and Joss Whedon.

Notes: Still making amends here ……see how I try?????

Thanks again for the feedback. Hope you like this chapter too!!!

The quotes are from a beautiful Song by Xavier Naidoo called  " I don´t know anything…"

Asunder

Jayne had heard her even before he saw her tiny frame peeling itself out of the darkness of the corridor. He could hear each step of those naked feet on the cold metal of the catwalk above him. Cold feet treading ever so softly….

He ground his teeth and lifted the barbell over his head again, just moments ago he had added more weight. Maybe it wasn´t wise to lift that much weight without the preacher there to spot for him, but then again Jayne Cobb had never seen himself as a wise men ……quite the opposite and the events of the last few months had proven that….

He could hear the weights clink.

He would not get caught up in all this again. Little good it had done him!

He would not let her irritate him again …..he wouldn´t ! Not this time!

It was almost as if he had known that he´d encounter her tonight, that she was as sleepless as he was……

That ruddin´ idiot of a brother of hers……..right, it would just blow over…….worked out really gorram´well!

There she was again, coming down the stairs like a pale ghost……every movement, every step so very graceful, like a dancer´s stride.

Jayne did not sit up on the bench-press, trying to ignore her approach, but his eyes seemed to have a will of their own.

Dark hair tumbling over delicate shoulders, framing that pretty face……it all made her look so very young, so vulnerable……but Jayne knew that inside that seemingly fragile body beat the heart of a tigress…….fierce and proud and unrelenting.

She might look like a gorram´ fairy- princess, a dainty little thing, but that ruddin´ girl had a spine made of steel and a dangerous mind to match it.

And yet they all underestimated her again and again ……….

He and Simon might look at the same girl, but they did not see the same picture.

If there was one thing his experiences with River Tam had taught Jayne it was that looking at something and really seeing it for what it was, were to very different things.

When Simon looked at River he saw his little sister, saw the sweet girl he and his family had unknowingly handed over to a bunch of very evil men with sinister plans, monsters who had tried to turn that sweet, lively girl into a monster too.

He saw the little girl he had lost, the doll- faced, innocent girl who had adored her big brother and still bested him in so many things and had been adored by her brother in turn.

He saw something incredibly precious to him that he wanted to protect at all costs …..come what may.

So did Jayne, still he saw her in a very different light. He saw that beyond that pretty face hid a force to be reckoned with.

He knew the other side of River Tam, not just the darling girl but the stubborn, persistent young woman; the girl that knew about weaponry ……..the girl with incredible inner strength. That girl wouldn´t like being kept in the dark ……….wouldn´t like things being decided over her head.

In some corner of his mind he could see that girl raging against the wall of secrecy…..

River would not have wanted this, Jayne knew that now.

She´d be angry with him, with all of them for being arrogant enough to think they would know what was best for her.

Hell….she´d been old enough, skilled enough to slaughter a ship filled with Reavers and blow up their ship ………she´d escaped that inferno relatively unscathed.

" These past weeks …" she finally started softly, almost as though she was talking to herself.

" …..I have been asking myself why I didn´t feel happy. I should have been …..Finally safe and free, but the feeling I was waiting for never came. There were moments when I laughed, when I felt content, but never really happy. Something was lacking, I did not feel complete…..like I had left a part of myself there at that place. I never felt like I was …..whole."

She didn´t look at him as she slowly circled the bench-press from a distance. Jayne put the weights down, watching her fluent movements wearily, but he still did not sit up.

" I just couldn´t shake the feeling that there was something going wrong. And then ….last night I finally figured it out!"

The faintest smile came to her lips. She lifted her eyes from her feet to Jayne´s face.

" Time….."

The single word seemed to hang in the air between them. She had whispered it so quietly that for a moment Jayne was not sure if he heard her right.

His brow furrowed up and he slowly lifted himself into an upright position, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

" Time …" she repeated.

" The time is what´s wrong. I lost it, lost time………time of my life, months even. I should have paid more attention! I should have seen it sooner , but I didn´t. The numbers don´t add up!"

She shook her head for emphasis, slowly stepping closer.

" I did not just escape weeks ago. Simon didn´t get me out then………there are months of my life that I seem to have no recollection of……..I lost that time and I cannot get it back."

Jayne swallowed hard.

She´d figured that part out ………of course she had! Simon should have known that she was too ruddin´ smart to just believe everything.

" Why you tellin´ me this?" he asked, aware that his voice sounded raw even in his own ears.

The smile on her face faded, her expression grew serious as her eyes settled on his face again.

She took a deep breath.

" There is something I need to know, something you have to tell me." River answered calmly, still coming towards him very slowly.

" There are some things I ….remember…….they are not really memories or dreams. They are more like flashes of light and sound, like peeking through a curtain but being unable to see the whole picture behind it. It´s me …….but it´s not really me. I´m watching myself do things that make no sense to me."

Jayne raked a hand through his hair, grounding his teeth.

Gorram´ Simon! He should be here now, hearing this!

What the hell was he supposed to tell her…..

" What´s that have to do with me?" he growled, trying to evade her inquisitive look.

River sighed, lifting one of her fine eyebrows.

" I don´t really know…." She admitted .

" But I think you do. Most of the things I see in those flashes don´t stay with me, I don´t remember them. The few I do remember scare me sometimes…..others are exciting and beautiful.  But when we touched……it´s like a flare, the things that come tom me then stay with me. I remember them………That is why I  need to ask you…"

" Fine….ask away and then leave me the hell alone. I´m kind of busy with sumthin´ here if you don´t mind." Jayne said unpatiently, looking at the floor as though this didn´t really concern him.

River could feel him closing up.

" Things are not the way they are supposed to be." She returned after a while, still searching his face for an answer.

" I can feel it……everybody acts as though there is nothing wrong, hiding ……..something.

And yet I have this strange sensation …..like I know you….."

Jayne looked up at her, his face betraying nothing. His thoughts on the other hand were racing through his mind.

That ruddin´girl had managed to corner him again!

He should get out of there, he should go to his bunk ……if he were not so gorram´ sure that she´d follow him there. She´d never let those questions go…..damn her ruddin ´ brother!

" Sumthin´ you wanted to ask me girl?"

River waited a beat, staring into his eyes ……..there was a challenge, but also …….fear.

" The two of us shared a bond. There is no denying it because I can feel it inside of me, tugging at me every time I come near you."

She took another step towards him, standing there just out of his reach.

" We were in love, weren´t we?"

Jayne almost jumped off the benchpress. He took a deep hissing breath.

He had expected all kinds of things, questions about the Reavers, the bounty-hunter……..not in a thousand years had he expected this! She had caught him completely unaware with that one. He turned his back towards her, bending down to pick up another weight as if he had intended to do that all along. He needed a moment to gather himself, feeling like that gorram´girl had just hit him over the head with that ruddin´ barbell.

There really was no answer to that question, was there?

He needed to keep his emotions in check before he turned to face her.

" Girl….." he started, shaking his head.

But River cut him off angrily, an impatient look on her face.

" Don´t stall me and don´t lie….I will know!" she almost yelled, but managed to control her voice in the end.

" None of this makes sense, my feelings…… There is a place in my mind  I can go to in my dreams that looks like your cabin! It doesn´t just look like it, it is your bunk! And for some reason…..when I go there I feel safe and calm and sheltered. There are things that I lost …I know it! I can feel it and these things I need to know…….they are important to me. So I´ll ask you again: Were we in love?"

Jayne swallowed hard, almost biting his tongue as he ground his teeth this time.

She was still as meddlesome as ever, no matter if the ruddin´girl was insane or completely lucid……..she drove him mad!

" The truth?" He managed to keep his voice neutral even though he had a strong desire to just yell at her. River could see a quick series of conflicting emotions play across his face like storm clouds chasing each other in a darkening sky.

" You lookin´ for the ruddin ´truth here, cause you´ve come to the wrong place! I can´t tell you what I don´t know myself."

Her brow creased up as she returned his angry gaze.

" You don´t know?" she asked sceptically, annoyed with herself that his answer had astonished and even hurt her.

" I honestly find that hard to believe. Being in love …..I don´t think that is something one is likely to forget!"

Jaqyne couldn´t help but chuckle at her expression.

" You think this is funny?"

" No….just typical." Jayne answered honestly, feeling some of the tension falling off of himself.

" Listen, girl …….I have never been and  will never  be the kind of man who says the right thing at the appropriate time. Feelin´s and all that ruddin´ fancy stuff ……never been any good at it!"

River smiled mildly, crossing her arms in front of her body.

" I don´t believe that. I think if you really wanted to you could find the right words……

I rather believe that you are one of those men who´d rather bite off his own tongue than reveal his feelings to anyone."

Jayne grinned down on her, lifting his hands in a gesture of defiance. She may have lost part of her memory, but that ruddin´ tiny slip of a girl could still read him like a gorram´ book!

" Got me there, girl."

He sat back down on the bench, suddenly feeling very exhausted.

" See …I cannot really answer your question……things are complicated."

River felt her heart racing, fluttering in her chest like a little bird caught in a net, trying to break free.  He hadn´t really volunteered any information ….except that now she knew she had been right. There was something between them that was lost ……

" They always seem to be…" she told him with the hint of an ironic smile.

" But there were …….feelings."

 Her voice was almost inaudible, shaky with emotion.

The pull was there again ……she felt drawn to the place he was sitting, like a moth to the flame.

Jayne nodded slowly. He wouldn´t say …….but he couldn´t lie to her about this either.

" You were …."

What was he supposed to say? When he had first seen her he had been convinced that she was stark raving mad! He had tried to rat her and her brother out to the alliance, only later had he been able to see her in a different light.

" We never ……talked about love." She answered her own question, nodding to herself.

Gingerly River sat down next to him, close, but not close enough to touch.

" Tell me something…." She whispered.

" Tell me something about me…"

Jayne looked at her,  for a while they sat in silence.

" Sparrow…"

The words had left his mouth even before he knew it. His voice sounded brusque. His hands balled to fists on his thighs without him noticing.

" You told me once you were a sparrow not a swan…….so that´s what I called you sometimes."

Jayne couldn´t help it, he loved the sparkle this piece of information brought to her eyes. Her whole face lit up, as she smiled at him. She didn´t say a word, she just sat there listening to him, her eyes observant and bright.

" You weren´t much of a sleeper then either……always restless. Always walking around without  your gorram´shoes, getting cold feet. You can take apart and reassemble my best gun in a matter of seconds. And you never take no for an answer, no matter how ruddin´ loud one yells at ya´. You are the most wilful, persistent woman I have ever met!"

While he was talking River regarded him.

He looked dangerous to a certain extent, rough …… but still in a ruggedly handsome way. He radiated strength …….and something else that River couldn´t quite name.

His voice was dark and raw and he was close enough for her to feel the warmth his body emanated.

Without a doubt she could see herself falling in love with this man. She only wished she could remember.

He stopped talking the moment she lightly brushed her hand over his knuckles. She laid her head back slightly and closed her eyes as the flash hit her. Her breath caught in her throat….

A strong, warm hand touching her cheek……..one thumb moving over cheekbone.

No power in the ´verse……. It was her own breathy voice River could hear whispering in her mind.

She opened her eyes again to find him staring at her.

 Will you bring the thunder to my life?

Will you bring the fire to my eyes?

She still could not remember, but there was a knowledge inside of her now, forcing itself to the surface of her mind …….just sitting there, staring at his reserved expression …..

Suddenly she knew that not to long ago she had believed that whatever she had found in him was worth all the tempests it might bring………all the trouble it had brought.

" You should go and ask your brother….." he told her finally, moving to stand.

River shook her head, thinking for a moment.

But then again maybe that was her problem. Maybe reason would not help her here…..she had tried and accomplished nothing. She had tried to be calm and methodical, no matter how much agitation she had felt about all this.

Maybe it was time to leave reason behind and trust her instincts…….maybe she didn´t need to do what she should be doing, but what she felt like doing.

" Do you want to kiss me?" she asked calmly looking up at him.

Jayne stared at her, mouth agape, obviously more than just surprised, more than shocked.

What the hell was she thinking?

Then again, …….it was just like her to do something like that. She´d just loved to catch him unaware…….even without the memories and the craziness, she was still River!

She was not much different from what she had been like before all these things had gone down, how could Simon not see it?

Jayne took two steps backward, his face set.

" Don´t think that´s a good idea!" he told her dismissively.

River lifted her eyebrow again, tilting her head just the way he remembered……

" Well……" she sighed with irritation " ….nobody tells me anything but from what I can gather a few things I must have done started out as a bad idea!"

With an agility and speed Jayne had completely forgotten she had, River moved over to him. Standing on her toes she pressed her lips to his cheek.

It all happened in a matter of seconds and yet ……….it was almost like the first time she had kissed him, almost at the exact same spot in cargo bay.

It was a very soft, chaste kiss.

Jayne stepped away from  her, his face still held a stony expression. As he looked down on her, River could not read his expression…..she did not reach out with her mind.

On the one hand part of her knew that what she was doing was wrong and unfair. On the other hand there was this incredible necessity she felt, the uncontrollable urge to be physically close to this man.

Jayne could think of nothing to do than just stand there and stare at her. If he wanted to admit it or not he had missed her ……all of her. Not just the pretty face, the different ways that she smiled, the way she talked, the way she mocked him …..her vulnerability and her strength …all of her.

He could see her, a thousand different pictures in his mind: Her half serious, half mocking face when she told him that she didn´t expect him to slay her monsters, her extended hand holding the knife she had given  him, her tiny hands dismantling Vera…..

River reached out and touched his hand and another flash hit her.

Crying……she was crying and there was no stopping……somebody´s arms were wrapped around her, cradling her……..on the table behind him an arsenal of guns.

Her eyes fluttered open again, focusing again ……it was him. She knew it, she remembered……the Ruber& Decker…..

" …now you´re just teasing me!" she uttered.

" What?" Jayne towered over her, his brow creased up.

She returned his enquiring gaze with puzzlement.

" That´s what you said when I told you that I could reassemble the Ruber &Decker in less than 7 seconds!"

Jayne nodded completely perplexed. She did remember……

It would just blow over, right? Simon would go ballistic!

River shook her head to clear her mind …..it was just a piece, a tiny piece of the puzzle and as far as she could tell there was nothing to retrieve beyond that……….but this she remembered!

Her lips curled into a full, amused smile……

"Your face ……when I put that gun together faster than you……your expression was priceless."

River attempted to mimic the expression she remembered so clearly now and was rewarded with a defensive grunt from Jayne that turned into I snicker.

" I do not look like that……ever!"

"Priceless, I tell you!"

They both laughed. The awkwardness and distance River had sensed seemed to fall away slowly. It was almost as though they could breathe more freely.

I have never felt thunder and lightning than this

I have never been struck by a wonder like this.

As if his hand had a life of it´s own Jayne saw it reach up to cup her cheek, his thumb slowly grazing the smooth skin.

River closed her eyes…..she remember this from another short flash. The touch was so familiar that she leaned into it without hesitation.

Jayne ground his teeth……he remembered her reaction far to well. Slowly he pulled his hand back, tugging one of the dark tresses  that fell across her face behind her ear.

Nothing compares to what you are and what you give.

And I don´t know anything that is as beautiful as you.

I know nothing that´s more beautiful than you.