DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, just this storyline……FIREFLY belongs to Joss Whedon and FOX
NOTES: Here goes the new Chapter! Thanks again for your kind feedback……I really love you guys for loving my stuff!! THANX!!!!!
I know then ending is not too good , but I got the next chapter ready to post in just a few days and ……I think I got a very nice twist for y ´all!!!
FALL APART
„ How do you do that?"
River looked up at him……he was so tall, but right now his voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper. For a moment River wasn´t sure if he realized that he had spoken those words out loud.
" Do what?" River asked quietly.
" You …..take my breath away…..every time"
River swallowed, biting her lower lip unconsciously.
There it was again …….all that she could not remember. She felt so linked to this man and yet she really did not know why……as to the how; River had a pretty good idea.
His hand had lingered behind her ear for a moment, but now he pulled it back.
" I don´t remember……." River breathed sadly.
" I know ……"
" You don´t know enough!" Jayne told her grimly, crossing his arms in front of his broad chest in order to make sure that his hands wouldn´t move out of their own accord again.
There was hurt in her pretty face now, pain and sadness that he had thought he would never see again…..now that she couldn´t remember. But erasing all the things from her mind that had made her sick and sad in the first place had obviously not been the solution to the problem. Now she was hurting because she could not remember and no matter what that ruddin´ idiot Simon Tam thought……..the girl was well aware that there were things lost to her. She did not know the secrets, but she knew they were there.
And Jayne knew River Tam well enough to know that she would never rest until she had dragged them out into the light for her to see.
He could tell by the confused and anguished look in her face that she needed to know.
She had a gorram´ right to it, it was her life after all!
Still …Jayne could not bring himself to tell her …..everything. It was not his decision to make, Simon had made that abundantly clear to him.
" I need to know ……." River said gently, eyes searching his face. She could feel the conflicting emotions in him.
Jayne ground his teeth and shook his head, hands falling to his sides again.
This girl had become something apart from all the others to him.
She had changed his perspective ……….suddenly all the things that the others did not get about him had ceased to count in a way, because she had seen him, taken the good with the bad.
This girl had become his secret ally as much as…….what exactly she was to him was a question Jayne Cobb didn´t even dare to answer to himself.
She was warmth, the thought of her a strange comfort and something else that Jayne had rarely experienced in his life – unquestioning acceptance.
The gorram´girl – crazy or not- confused him and even though he would never say it out loud ……she made him happy. The memory she had described, the recollection of them competing in reassembling his guns, was without a doubt one of the best memories he had.
Jayne Cobb, who did not trust people and didn´t usually kiss girls on their lips, had never thought that he´d ever feel this protective of anyone. Least of all the pompous doctor´s crazy sister…….and that was exactly why he could not bare the thought of telling her in what state she had been when she had come aboard.
Slowly and attentively River stepped forward, right into his arms.
She waited for the flash ….but it didn´t come, not even when she felt his arms close around her back. She knew a part of him didn´t want to have her so close, but the other one had apparently won……the part that held her so tight that she had trouble breathing.
None of them said a word.
River felt the tips of his fingers run down the bare skin of her shoulders. The touch gave her goose- pimples all the way down her arms to her fingers. He ran his hands down her arm.
" You´re cold." He growled, holding her away from him.
River shook her head.
Jayne furrowed his brow, one hand cradling her smooth cheek again.
His touch was almost hesitant, as though he thought that she might just melt away like a dream.
" What´s wrong?" River asked him.
Now it was his turn to lift his brow at her.
" Apart from the obvious?"
Apart from this was not gonna end well and that she had only the slightest glimpse of her memories? Apart from the fact that he ruddin´girl had evidently no idea that she was playing with fire…….but then again, River had always done that!
He stepped away, grabbing his towel.
" I need to go ……and you .."
" Why?"
Jayne looked down. He had to stop staring at the ruddin´girl or he´d never be able to go.
" Because you don´t have a clue what the ruddin´hell is going on and I don´t trust myself with you!"
" Why?" she repeated impatiently.
Jayne ground his teeth. Crazy or not that gorram girl never changed!
" There´s about a million ruddin´ reasons why!" he told her sternly.
" With you around I feel like I have no control about what I do, like I can´t control the situation."
" In what way?"
" I every gorram´way, River…..!"
He could see from the look on her face that she liked none of his answers.
" You don´t even know…."
" That´s hardly my fault, is it ?" she returned coolly
" You won´t answer my questions, neither will Simon…."
" You should talk to him!"
" Why won´t you tell me?"
Jayne´s breath came out in a hiss.
" I can´t ……..go ask your brother."
" So this was his idea……."
" No…..well yeah, in a way. We thought it would be best if …."
Oh, gorrammit! How did she do that? How did she make people tell her things that they wanted to keep to themselves?
" And you agreed?"
She was angry now, he could see it.
He nodded slowly.
" Yes…….at first, but now I´m nor so sure…."
" Good!"
River turned around brusquely, starting off towards the corridor without looking back at him.
There was a bad feeling coiling up in the pit of Jayne´s stomach.
None of this was good in any way.
She would not cry. River could hear her own breathing, erratic and shallow, in the silence of the infirmary.
I will not cry …..I will not, she promised herself over and over again, repeating the words in her mind like a mantra.
It was painfully easy to pick the lock of the last drawer of the cabinet. She had known her brother would not keep his diary in his room, there was no place to hide it.
Somehow she was mildly surprised that Simon still kept a diary at all.
He would never tell her the truth….she knew it. She had asked him and he had lied …..
Now he would have to reveal his secrets…..in a way: his thoughts on paper would tell the story.
River blinked several times, forcing back tears ……she would not cry!
What she did was not right, she was well aware of that, invading her brother's secrets and thoughts this way. But she could not go on like this, living in unawareness, in doubt about everything, about herself. She needed to know…….the uncertainty was killing her slowly…..eating away inside of her.
I will not cry, she told herself again, flipping through the pages of Simon´s diary like a manic.
A few hours later, Simon found his sister sitting on the floor of the infirmary with red rimmed eyes, torn paper scattered around her. It took him a few minutes to realize that it was his diary she had apparently torn up.
As he entered River lifted her head, staring at Simon´s upset face.
" Mei-Mei…."
She knew …..everything. She had read his diary…….
River swallowed , shaking her head.
" Don´t…" she whispered, her voice filled with grief.
" Don´t talk to me!"
She had to struggle with every word, force them violently to leave her mouth. It had become hard to breathe more than an hour ago…..like some invisible hand was clenched around her throat, reaching into her chest to squeeze her heart.
Getting up from the floor very slowly, River´s eyes fixed on her brother´s horrified expression.
Simon could not stand the look on her face. He winced as River gave a strangled cry, desperately gasping for breath. She looked at him as though he had just plunged a knife into her chest and was now giving it a turn for good measure.
River shook her head again.
She could not believe it, she couldn´t ……but it was true. She had read it in his own words, she could see it in his eyes.
And despite of her mantra she could feel tears forming in her eyes, slowly running down her cheeks, over her nose.
The pain of it all was ripping her up from inside, threatening to tear her apart.
" How could you…."
It wasn´t even a whisper.
" How could you do this ….."
Simon closed his eyes.
" River…" He stepped forward in order to pull her into his arms, but his sister backed away.
" Don´t touch me…." She hissed furiously, staring at him with wide eyes.
" Don´t you come near me, Simon!"
Simon stared back at her, confused. It took him a few minutes to figure out that he had misinterpreted the whole situation. River was not so much upset because of the things she had read in his diary, the things she had done, her altered state of mind ……..the thing the alliance had implanted in her head….
She was upset because he had withheld this information from her, because he had lied to her.
" Oh , River ….." Simon uttered apologetically.
" How could you Simon?" she yelled at him, her voice shaking.
" How could you betray me like this? You of all people …my own brother!"
Simon stepped towards her again, but she evaded him.
But he needed to make her understand! He could not have her think that he would ever hurt her……after all they had been though!
" River ……Mei-Mei…..I only wanted you to be happy, the way you were before!"
he pleaded helplessly.
He heard steps behind him, catching the sight of Inara and Mal out of the corner of his eye.
He could hear footsteps too, people were gathering in the doorframe of the infirmary, evidently drawn in by River´s yelling.
She did not seem to care, still focused on her brother.
Her face contorted by pain and anguish.
" Did it ever occur to you that I might have been happier with the knowledge……? Do you even know what you did? You murdered me!"
" River, I would never harm you…never!"
" But you did!" she screamed, still sobbing.
" You murdered me ……murdered the person I was before! You are no better than the men who did this to me!"
Simon could feel his hands balling to fists.
" How can you say that! I gave up everything to save you…..I only wanted what was best for you River! Wanted you to live your life the way it should have been, free from all that …..I never ……….I didn´t even decide this!"
Mal looked to the side, seeing Jayne, Zoë and Wash coming through the corridor.
He didn´t know what to do …..he couldn´t just step in there.
The catastrophe had finally arrived……
He looked at Inara and he knew what she was thinking. The truth hadn´t taken too long to crawl back out of it´s shallow grave. Simon had obviously not dug deep enough.
They should have all known better, but he and Jayne had tried to warn him.
" Oh no …you did not decide …" River told her brother bitterly. " It was just too convenient…….. you would have decided on your own and you made it quite impossible for …..him to have another opinion since you had my best interest in mind!"
She took another shuddering breath. She had noticed the crew´s presence, saw the sympathy and shock on Kaylee´s face. She did not look up to Jayne, even though she could feel his eyes on her.
" How could he not …..look selfish? How could they not agree when all you wanted was for me to be happy?"
" Now River, girl …that´s not true…"
Simon shot Jayne an angry look. He did not need his help in explaining things to his own little sister.
" I need them back ….."
she finally said coldly to Simon.
" What?" he asked confused.
" My memories….."
" River …I can´t, whatever you think, I did not take them from you …..you just read…."
" I read it, but I don´t remember ……I need to, without them I´am nothing, not myself……..not whole!"
" River …..I can´t give them back to you and even if I could ……"
River nodded. She wiped some of the trails the tears had left on her face away absentmindedly.
" …you wouldn´t ." she finished for him.
" I know you gave up everything to save me…." River added, still crying. " And I will never forget that but I cannot forgive you for this, no matter why you thought it was right to keep the truth from me. I´m not a child…….this is my life! You tried to take a part of that away from me ……and I cannot live without that part of me, empty like a sky without clouds. It is killing me!" River could hear her own voice breaking, it was so hard to speak that it hurt her throat.
Mal looked at Simon´s face, unable to not feel sympathy for the young doctor. Simon had done what he thought was in his sister´s best interest ………and he had been wrong.
River turned away from him, her eyes fixing on Jayne who stood behind Inara and Mal, gnawing on his lip.
She was talking so softly that at first, Mal thought she was not saying anything, but her lips moved. She just stood there, all the anger and grief leaving her ……leaving a confused and emotionally drained girl. And for the first time in a very long while River really looked as young to him, as she really was. When River Tam had been out of her mind, she had worn her lunacy like an expensive dress, still fighting, trying to find her way. Now she looked like a crumbled puppet whose strings had been cut, all that spirit and perseverance seemed to have left her….
For the first time in a long time River was nothing more than a desperate, helpless girl who didn´t know which way to turn.
Simon stared at his little sister and what he saw was more than you could bear.
Jayne and Mal, he had to admit, had been right……..not the truth was bound to destroy her, he had done that just as well with his good intentions……
" River", he whispered cautiously, slowly holding out an arm to her.
" I´m so sorry…."
River took his hand, folding against him finally…….she couldn´t hold on……so she just let go. Mal had never seen her like this. He had seen her confused, crazy, scared ………but never this weak, just crying like there was no tomorrow.
But he could tell from the grim look on Jayne´s face that not even this side of her was new to the mercenary.
" Tell me…." She whispered beseechingly, turning her head to Jayne
" Tell me we will be okay. Please promise me! Promise me we will be ……."
"
