DISCLAIMER: THEY ARE SOOO NOT MINE!

Notes: Here goes the new chapter …..next chapter is almost done ……and it´ll have more Jayne in it!!!

REVERSE

They had put her to bed like a child…..she had not protested to be handled this way. All of her strength had left her.

Still …as exhausted as she might be …she could not sleep.

She just lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling……no more crying.

She could not cry anymore, she had no tears left to cry.

So River just stared at the ceiling……feeling nothing. It was as though all feeling had been drained from her. She felt empty …..

For hours she just lay in her bed listening to Serenity ……without moving at all.

There was only one thing for her left, only one way open to her.

If this id not work …..how could she ever be herself again?

Simon looked up to see his sister standing in the doorway of his cabin.

" I need your help." She whispered throatily.

He let her talk while his eyes widened.

He dared not to interrupt her….he felt like he had lost her in some way. So he was desperate to hang on to any part of her being that she offered to open to him again.

She could see his indignation in his face, but she did not stop.

 " We will do this in here, not in the infirmary and you will not tell anyone …..just tell them I´m resting!"

Either he´d help her or not. She did not have the time or patience to make this easy on him.

"If you want to show me that I can still trust you after this, if you want me to forgive you……you will do this for me."

Simon stared at his sister, her calm, collected demeanour, her dark eyes that betrayed nothing. Her expression had hardened, like she was hiding behind this mask of indifference. There was something unwavering about her, something unyielding.

" I´m your brother River, I love you …….you cannot put a price on forgiveness."

" I just did" she stated matter- of -factly, running her hands along her arms as though the thought chilled her.

" You are my brother and I love you very much too, but you don´t understand. I don´t feel anything most of the time and if I do it´s like a surge, a whirlwind that I cannot control. All the things I read in your diary, I don´t remember! Not the thing on Ariel, not being kidnapped by mountainfolk who wanted to burn me for being a witch, not the bounty-hunter or attacking ….Jayne…with a kitchen knife…..the Reavers. I read it and I feel nothing, like it does not concern me, like it happened to someone else."

" River…."

 He tried to cut in, but she ignored him. The way she talked scared Simon beyond compare …..his beautiful, genius sister who had been so full life before. Even in her altered state of mind she had been fuelled by  a fierce passion. Now there seemed to be nothing left of it……her voice sounded hollow and detached.

" You can see it too….can´t you?"

She told him with only the hint of a bitter smile.

" I don´t know myself anymore Simon …..I´m loosing myself, because I cannot recapture who I was.  This feeling of emptiness is killing me, slowly devouring me from the inside out until there will be nothing left of me………only this hollow shell .That´s  why I need your help!"

" How is putting you back in an atrificial coma going to help you River?"

Simon asked her desperately.

River breathed deep. She knew she had to go with the truth here, she could not lie to him, no matter how much he had disappointed her.

" I´m not sure it will, I´m not even sure what I will do ……how things will work out. I´m following a hunch."

" That is insane…"

" Maybe, but no drug of yours can make me remember and I need answers, I need to find what is lost to me and there is really only one way to go …..only one place where I might find all the answers."

Simon shook his head, taking River´s hands in his own, squeezing them tightly.

" I don´t want to loose you River. After all we´ve been through……who knows what might happen. What if …"  he hesitated a moment.

" What if you can´t deal with all those memories, what if you have another breakdown and lose your sanity again …maybe forever? I could not bear the thought of that River…I saw how much it took out of you…."

" I can´t , Simon."

River whispered imploringly.

" I cannot let this go …..it takes much more out of me, there is no real me. Whatever I forgot it is a part of me that …….."

She sighed, returning the pressure to Simon´s hands.

" Don´t you understand, Simon…….if I let this fear, yours or mine, prevent me from finding  out….if I let it rule me, then I will never be free! If I give this dread any kind of  power over me, then it will be my master! There are so many things to be afraid of, but I should not be afraid to know who I am…….all of me!"

" Jayne would have a thing or two  to say about that plan of yours!" Simon added under his breath, turning away from her. River heard him none the less.

She took another deep breath. Like she did not know that ……it was not just Jayne, River would stake her life on the fact that the captain would not look to kindly on her idea either.

" That´s why he´s not here…." She answered her brother´s remark.

Simon looked back to his sister in surprise. For the first time in their conversation there was something like emotion in her voice.

" I cannot let you or anybody else decide my fate, Simon."

He nodded, knowing he would finally cave in. There was nothing he would not do for his sister, and River knew it. She was right in a way, even he could see it if he looked beyond his own need to protect her. If he or Jayne or the captain would try to prevent her from doing what she felt she had to do …..they would not be better than the alliance scientists who had tried to control her, twist her, bend her to their ways.

" I ……I know I feel something for him. It´s like a brushfire when I touch him …..but I cannot remember …..I need to remember! I need your help!"

Simon nodded again, looking into her eyes.

" Okay, but tell me ……tell me why…..tell me what exactly you think you need to do."

" I can´t Simon, I told you it´s a hunch, I don´t even know …….but I think there is only one way open to me now, only one place to find …."

His eyes widened as the meaning of her words started to dawn on him. Simon stumbled back a few steps, still gazing at River.

He shook his head. If he did this, if he really did as she asked ……it was only a question of who´d rip his head off from his neck, Mal or Jayne.

" Oh no …..River!"

But River just stood there, calm and assured.

" The is no other way  for me to go Simon…..nothing but …." , she took a hold of his hand again, squeezing it lightly.

" ….back down the rabbit-hole."

River stepped through the doorway, feeling her naked feet sinking into the dark, glittering scent. She felt the door slam shut behind her, but the sound didn´t startle or worry her.

Laying her head back she looked up into the empty sky, savouring the cool wind that swept up the hem of her dress, making it flutter against her legs.

The vast desert in front of her didn´t fill her with alarm……it simply fascinated her.

River started moving. She walked through the twilight that seemed ever lasting in this place. She knew now that she had not created this place……but the thought did not scare her.

River was not sure how long she just walked through the desert,  the howling tearing at her clothes and hair……until she had found what she hadn´t even consciously looked for.

The carcass lay behind a small rock- formation, half covered by the black, fine sand……the empty shell of a big, gleaming insect.

River felt her brow crease up as she stared at it …….she had killed it, she didn´t remember it, but she must have…..

After what seemed like a small eternity to her River made up her mind.

She gradually lifted one arm and moved her hand over the remains ……..without really knowing why. She was all instinct now.

To her own astonishment the dead thing turned into her……a perfect copy of herself.

She knew that the picture in front of her should scare her, shock her, but it didn´t …..

She looked down at the other River, the dead thing with it´s eyes glazed over with a sickly grey, the mouth slightly opened in a surprised "O" ……it was her and yet it wasn´t.

River knelt down next to the thing, closing her eyes, summoning all her strength to just get through what she thought she had to do.

Trying to over come her repulsion River took a deep breath and finally leaned down to the dead thing.

Forcing herself to not think about it she closed her lips over her mirror- image´s mouth and forced the air from her breath into those dead lungs.

Trying not to throw up, wiping one hand violently over her mouth River waited.

Nothing happened.

Just when River was about to repeat the whole procedure, doubting her actions to make any sense…… the dead thing gave a piping gasp. Struggling desperately it took several heaving, frantic breaths.

River´s hand struck faster than an uncoiling snake as she gripped her copy firmly around the throat. The eyes that had been dead and grey just moments ago now stared up at her in amazement, glowing with a raging fire like her own.

It moved only a tiny fraction to the right but as it caught sight of River lifting her other hand in front of it´s face the thing´s body went rigid again. While River´s right hand was still holding it´s neck in a vice grip, her other hand was curled around the handle  of a long hunting knife.

" One wrong move and I crush your windpipe or cut your throat ……you choose!"

Her own voice sounded strange and cold in her own ears.

The thing didn´t flinch, it just blinked, still gazing up at her with her own eyes.

" You killed me….." it whispered with  a raw voice.

" Looks like it."

" Why did you ……and how?"

River took her time to ponder the question, there was no mistaking the calculating tone of it´s voice. How could her own voice sound yet so different?

" Yes, I killed you."

River finally said with a dead calm that surprised herself.

" And I restored you…..I have to admit that I didn´t know if I could, now I do……now I understand. This is my mind and I am the master here, ……my will be done. You are here because I brought you back. Don´t mistake this, I brought you back and I can extinguish you just as easily!"

With an almost fascinated calm River witnessed the face that stared up at her, her own face take on a malignant expression. It was like looking into a mirror, but not quite ……

"And now ……what do you want from  me?"

River pursed her lips in dismay, tightening her grip just a little, watching the other thing´s eyes blaze at her in defiance.

" Don´t play coy with me!" River hissed as a surge of feeling …..of anger rose up inside of her.

" You know full well what it is I want! You tricked me…….you knew that the price for my freedom from you was a greater one than I´m willing to pay!"

The other thing smiled.

Despite of River´s tight grip around it´s throat and the knife pointing at it´s chest, it lifted a pale hand to her face.

River felt it´s touch like a cool draught on her skin.

" You taught me a lesson, didn´t you?" she spat out angrily.

" Destroying you is also the key to my own destruction …….if I´m not willing to live my life without some of the most important memories ……some of the ones I hold dearest."

The thing pursed it´s lips, mimicking River´s facial expression, returning her intent look.

" Little River Tam …."

It finally answered in a sing song voice.

" ……grown wise beyond her years."

She tightened her grip again, making it hard for her nemesis to breathe.

" I guess years of suffering will do that to a person."

The thing smiled again, the parody of a loving, almost motherly smile……it was a frightening thing to see.

" You were right, little sister…."

River´s eyes widened…..she did not think that she could experience flashes on her own dream-plain, but the memory hit her none the less.

A warm breeze, a cold, unbending embrace……..a fingers twisted between her own around the handle of a sword …….somebody whispering in her ear

…..you were not made for this….let me do this for you, little sister….

River gasped, her eyes boring into it´s face.

These jumbled, torn pieces of a memory had given her more insight than reading her brother´s diary. Finally …..finally she understood.

" You…."

The thing stroked it´s cold fingers down her cheek again.

" You don´t belong to me, you were not a part of me …of my psyche, but now …."

" …..we are one." The thing ended the sentence for her.

River nodded, her breathing fast and shallow.

Somehow the thing had found a way to anchor itself in her psyche, had taken the place of something else…….

" So it seems." River alleged.

" Without shadow …..there can be no light. Each of us has a dark side…..a hidden part of ourselves were nightmares dwell…..and you are mine …now. I cannot leave you behind without losing a part of me."

For a second River felt so overcome with desolation that she wanted nothing more than to plunge that knife into her mirror-image´s  chest……to kill it again, for good …..to never bring it back. But she couldn´t …….

" You made very sure that it´s a part of me that I value for too much for my own good."

 She whispered bleakly. Then her face hardened again as defiance rose up in her.

She would not let this thing bamboozle her again! She would not be played again!

This was her mind …….she ruled here!

" So….." the thing said languidly.

" So….." River repeated, a grim smile coming to her lips.

" Whatever you think it is not going to go your way! You may think you have the upper hand here, but believe me ….Sister…" she emphasized the word with great care.

" …you don´t! By inserting yourself into my consciousness…my psyche you  may have become a part of me, a part of my mind. But that also means that you are not an invader anymore, a guest no longer! You are a part of my mind now and as a part of me, you have become mine to command. You may have still a certain independence here, in the dark place but out there I run this show!"

She saw the thing´s eyes narrow as it seemed to ponder her revelation.

" I want my memories back!" River demanded harshly.

" All of them, good and bad! If that makes me confused at times, so be it!"

" But…"

" There will be no buts here……" she cut it off, letting the edge of her knife touch the thing´s neck.

" You wanna stay here? These are my conditions and they are not negotiable, either you accept or you will go back to oblivion! And don´t think I will not do it …..

You will never interfere again or try to act without my strict invitation. You can keep your domain here and I will visit you, sometimes even allow you to participate in my life should the circumstances allow it. You will never try to take over again! You will not withhold anything from me ….if you ever try to deceive me again I will end you and there will be no coming back for you! "

She tightened her grip again to make sure she had the thing´s full attention.

" If you do this and prove to me that what you really want is to stay alive…..if you really prove that we can work together and I don´t have to watch my back constantly……then we can be allies, one day maybe even friends. That is the deal and I will offer it to you only this once….."

Closing her eyes, sighing…River could almost see Jayne´s grim face. She could vividly image what his opinion would be about striking another deal with the devil.

He´d shake her until her teeth rattled………..

……..are you out of your ruddin´mind girl?

" ……take it or leave it."

Opening her eyes again she found the thing staring back at her, considering it´s options.

There were only two….

" How do I know that I can trust you to keep your end of the bargain once I restore your memory? What if one day you find another way to get rid of me?"

"You don´t….." River answered truthfully.

" But if you are true to your word, I will not betray you either. You may not feel, but I can feel for both of us and I know that a part of you longs for something the alliance can never give you…"

" What might that be…."

" You said it yourself ……little sister, that´s what you call me, that´s what you want …..not to be alone. The alliance can never give you that……to them you are a weapon, a drone……they did this to you as much as they did this to me. If you prove yourself to me …..we can be sisters , you and I!"

The thing nodded slowly.

" I would like that …."

Very slowly River loosened her grip around it´s neck, but kept the knife still in place.

" There are things you need to know …..to take care of…."

It told her calmly.

" I know …I feel it, so give me back my life ….all of it!"

With the edge of River´s still at it´s throat River´s copy raised its hand to her temples, lifting itself upwards.

River flinched; the knife drew a tiny bit of blood.

" Do we have a deal?" she asked.

" Yes, little sister…….we shall be allies."

Then it sat up slowly, pulling River´s head forward to place a kiss on her forehead.

River felt a sudden heat radiating through her ….a thousand images and feelings rushing into her like water being poured from a decanter into a glass.

Reaver breathed deep, just kneeling there trying to absorb all the muddled impressions that suddenly crowded her mind. She knew it would make time to sort through them, to really understand and make sense of it all.

She blinked in bewilderment.

" Something is missing…." She muttered more to herself than to her mirror-image.

" The Reavers…."

" That is not your memory…..it is mine!" The other thing elaborated evenly.

" I told you not to keep things hidden from me!"

" I am not…….not the way you think. What happened on that ship was not your doing, it was me. It should not cause you pain."

River stared at her own face, so serene and secure. There was no emotion apparent in those features, nothing in those eyes but some kind of interest and curiosity. It looked like her and at the same time it could not have looked less like the face she saw when she really looked into a mirror.

" Are you trying to protect me ….why?" she asked quietly.

" I´m a part of you now, you said so. We may never be one, but …..we  are linked now…here. So let me take this for you. You told me yourself that I don´t feel …..I don´t experience fear or love or remorse, you…..all you do is feel….everything. You consist of emotion…..that´s why I cannot share this memory with you."

It held River´s enquiring stare for a minute before it slowly got to it´s feet.

River could not believe it …..the thing was offering her a way out of her predicament.

But there should not be an easy way out…..

She unhurriedly shook her head.

" I unleashed you on them ……I killed them as surely as you did. I should bear the responsibility."

Her copy tilted it´s head to one side much like River sometimes did herself, seemingly considering her objection.

" My loyalty is to you now …little sister, so let me prove this to you. Let me carry this load…..it is nothing to me, but it could cause you great distress and pain. Entrust me to be the keeper of this secret. I think the glimpses you had of what we did …I did, the things you saw in your nightmares and those flashes should suffice. You know what happened, you just don´t know how."

" How do I know that this is not another of your ploys? That there won´t come a day when you´ll use this memory as a weapon against me?"

" I´m part of you now…..I need you to be sane." It stated sincerely.

" The human mind is a frail thing. You have proven your strength to me but there are things that could break even a spirit like yours. Guilt is a strong opponent. Once I tried to destroy your sanity to be able to take over your body and mind. Now……"

She extended her hand to River who hesitantly took it. The thing pulled her to her feet in a smooth, effortless motion.

" Now I cannot exist without you…..to survive we both depend on your sanity. I need to ensure it."