DISCLAIMER: 

The Characters are merely borrowed, they belong to Fox and Joss Whedon, I only take them out to play …..

NOTES: Yes guys….. I realize that this is not one of my best chapters, the ending suxx  and I´m not entirely happy with it, but I have a paper to finish and …well……I needed some romance and I know so did a few of you. Please bear with me!

SQUARE ONE

Jayne knew something had changed the moment he laid eyes on her. The hatch opened with a hiss and she climbed down the letter as swiftly as a squirrel.

 She did not have to wake him, he hadn´t been able to sleep anyway. He had just sat there on his bed, reclining against the wall, pondering his situation.

Looking into her attentive eyes now, animated by the fire that she been lacking for a very long time, it almost seemed to Jayne Cobb that he was waking from a dream.

She was a little breathless, her cheeks slightly flushed …..there was a vibrant glow to her that had not been there before.

Jayne got to his feet as she came towards him, smiling……shining in the dim light as though her skin had been illuminated from within.

It was her ….Jayne could see it in her eyes. She was back…..somehow she had recovered, reclaimed what she had lost…..her memory.

Jayne could feel his stomach clench. Before he knew what he was doing his hands were already framing her face as he stared at her.

" River……"

She still smiled, but it was laced with sadness and caution. River could hear her own heartbeat booming in her ears. The warm, fuzzy feeling was spreading from under her collarbone through her whole body.

Whatever the crew´s reaction might be……standing there in his bunk, feeling his warm, rough hands cradling her cheeks was worth everything she had done. Being able to remember……him, her feelings…..River realized suddenly that she´d have bargained her soul for this.

" I love you." she whispered breathlessly, almost too quietly to be heard.

"  I don´t know how, I don´t know why……I didn´t even realize it until just now, but I do. I love you and you can turn away or not believe me, but I know it´s true. And it´s not gonna change…."

She could see the impact her words had ……emotions were playing over his face to fast for him to cover them up.

His hands fell from her face to his sides and he stepped backwards just a little.

River felt her breath catch in her throat.

She knew him too well to know that this was nothing she should have just said out loud after everything that had happened. There was so much to explain, so much to sort through.

But she had not been able to keep her feelings or her words in check …..she was too overwhelmed with all the emotions swirling inside of her.

" You don´t have to say anything…."

Jayne opened his mouth to say something, but noticed that he did not know what to say.

Had she ……she didn´t! …….she couldn´t !

That gorram´ girl ………..what the hell was she thinking just dropping this bomb in his lap?

She knew that he was not very fond of this ruddin´ feelings babble ……and still she …..

In his whole life there had only been one person to ever say those words to Jayne Cobb….and that was his mother!

Jayne was not sure how to deal with the fact that this tiny, irritating slip of a girl, who drove him crazy most of the time ……….

Simon would most likely burst a blood-vessel if he knew!

Now there was a thought ……apart from not being able to cope with River´s frankness, the thought made him grin unconsciously.

Jayne decided to disregard her last words and furrowed up his brow.

" You remember …"

River nodded.

" It´s coming back …..some things slower than others. It´s like pieces of a puzzle coming together….but I remember you. I remember us."

She knew she had to come clean about the other thing…so River started talking, talking so fast that it was simply impossible for him to get a word in between. She told him everything…..not holding back. Her voice serious and calm, but still.

The more she talked the graver his expression grew.

She could tell he did not like it……she had known that before.

" River, what the gorram´hell have you done, girl?" he asked her grimly.

" I did what I had to do. It is done Jayne …please understand. I know I made mistakes ….but this is none!" 

She hesitated, slowly stepping up to him.

" I´m sorry for what I did…..leaving like this to go after the Reavers, deceiving you so ….."

River swallowed hard, she knew her voice was shaky and she hated herself for it. She needed to be strong now …needed to make him understand.

But she had been strong for so long and she was growing tired.

All the things she felt about him were good and true, even though it had not always been thus. When she was with him she felt …..it, something she could not put into words. River knew that she and her brother had lost everything, there was no going back. But when she was with this rough, grouchy mercenary …..River Tam felt at home…..and she never wanted this feeling to go away again …ever.

She had not risked so much just to see this turn into ashes in her hands.

" I have no right to judge you or Simon for lying or keeping things from me, because I did the same. I deceived you ……I drugged you because I thought . …..it was the best thing to do. I´m so sorry. And now I went and did this …..I feel like every time I try to make things better I end up making them worse."

River felt a chill run down her spine, thinking about the things the other thing must have done to leave her covered in blood.

" How can you trust me?" she breathed.

" How can you look at me and not see a monster?"

Jayne rolled his eyes as he stared down at her lowered head.

Had she lost her mind again? There were a whole lotta things that came to his mind when he looked at her……none of them had in any way to do with monsters.

" Oh cut it out, will ya?" he growled at her impatiently.

" I betrayed you first, you and your ruddin´ brother. I would have fed you to the ruddin´sharks if someone paid me enough money! I did not know …..   so I guess we´re even now!"

He pinched his eyes shut for a second , thinking …..he did not know if he could put all the things in words that went through his mind. But then again ….so far the gorram´girl had been worth the effort.

" You are right, I don´t like the idea of that ruddin´ thing ……that autopilot being back. But it´s your ruddin´ life, River and noone except you should have a say in it! It´s just that …..I don´t trust that thing and neither should you! If you tell me that this time you´re in the gorram´ pilot -seat and there´s no way that thing could ever take over again …….I´ll believe you."

River looked up at him with a faint smile.

" Thank you …." .

Jayne nodded at her, grinding his teeth. There was something else ……Jayne could see it in her eyes. Something else was bothering her. It stood between them like a wall……and he did not quite know what to make of it.

" About all the other stuff ….." he finally told her grimly, " …... I never saw you like that, a monster or watcha ´ wanna call it. Hell,  I´d be the last gorram´ person on this ship to judge what you did ……you did what ya´ had to do. So you drugged me up a little and that drove me ruddin´ mad,…… but I did a whole lotta things that I ain´t proud of either. If it had been up to me ……that mountainfolk would have roasted you and I bet you know that. So if you can forgive that I think I should let this just slide by ……"

River still gazed at him with a severe look in those dark eyes, Jayne did not like it ……

" So you don´t feel like you need to watch your back around me ….now that you know she´s back."

Jayne´s forehead creased up slightly. It was the first time that River referred to the thing as a she …..so far she had always said "it". He pressed his lips together before he answered.

" I trust you River …"

His words sounded repressed and a little hoarse. It had cost him to actually say it out loud and he could tell by her look that she was aware of that.

" You´re not a baby…..you can handle yourself in a tight spot and we both know that I like that about you. If push comes to shove I´d rather have you on my side…..I´d feel a whole lot better …….so much for trust and I ain´t the trustin´ kind."

Jayne took a deep breath and sat down on his bed. Propping his elbows up on his thighs he shook his head. When he spoke again he was looking at the floor not at her.

" You know I am not a man of great words so listen closely, I´ll only say this once and deny ever saying it at all, you understand? I´d put my life in those white little hands of yours anytime. I trust you with my life River Tam…….you want it? It´s yours."

He still did not look at her. For a moment there was absolute silence …..no sound except for their uneven breathing. River´s throat felt so dry that it hurt. She could feel her racing pulse throbbing in her temples.

" That´s the most important thing …right?"  Her voice sounded weak and brittle like a dried up leaf about to crumble to pieces.

Jayne looked into her general direction but not into her face and lifted an eyebrow at her.

He had gone out on a limb for her ….he never did this for anyone. What did the gorram´girl want now?

She knew that he hated to talk about stuff like this…….this was as far as Jayne Cobb had ever been to baring his soul to anyone. It was too ruddin´ far !

Still it seemed that there was something about this whole situation that he had missed, something she needed from him.

" What else is there?" he said, realizing that it sounded a lot like a challenge.

Gorrammit! This was not the way things should be going ….. ……

" Your heart." She stated simply, her voice so soft and breathy that it was almost impossible to understand.

But the words hang in the air between them, heavy and unmoving like a piece of rubble.

Jayne just gaped at her.

" What the ruddin ´ hell…."

" You´d put your life in my hands, your guns ……but …."

Jayne could not help it. He laughed. It was a harsh, grim sound that echoed off the walls.

He leaned his head back, shaking it slightly.

" Oh hell……."

" River just looked down at him in obvious confusion.

" ….hell…..lil´ sparrow…..and what would you do with that ruddin´thing? Fly away with it?"

Jayne got up and stood in front of her, close enough to feel her breath on his collarbone, but not close enough for their bodies to touch.

" Can´t give that to you , girl. It´s too late."

River sensed herself take a sharp breath even though she felt like choking. Her brows knit together.

" What …do you mean?"

" Darlin´…" Jayne snickered involuntarily.

" I handed that gorram´ thing over to you a long time ago ……along with the bit of common sense I ever had!"

River´s face broke into a full grown smile. At the same time she hit his shoulder as hard as she could.

" You ….you ….mean bastard! How could you!"

" Hey ..Hey…." Jayne caught a hold of her wrists, pulling her towards him. They were both laughing ……stumbling.

This time River´s laughter was not the pretty, silvery sound of bells or wind chimes….the sweet, girly laugh he remembered. It was the full, womanly laughter he had heard only once, wild and heartrendingly pure…..free and filled with relief and joy.

" Well …." Jayne elaborated, still trying to fend her off as she struggled.

" You pretty much had me when I saw you dismantle Vera! Despite your annoying quirks and complete craziness, and the fact that you might one day be the death of me …..I thought to myself; She can shoot, she attacks me with a knife and is not afraid of me……..this is a girl I´d better hold on to!"

" I´m gonna make you pay for this …you know that right?" River told him as she tried to squirm her way out of his grasp.

Jayne grinned down at her. He loved it when she looked like that…..that mass of dark hair all dishevelled, her pale skin slightly flushed, her lips in a pouty, mischievous smile.

He still held her small wrist tight in one hand while his other arm snaked around her slender waist.

" I´ll get back at you!"

He cocked an eyebrow at her.

" Oh sparrow ……I´m  ruddin´sure you will."

River stopped struggling as he pulled her closer.

But Jayne knew better than to fully release her…..there was still a dangerous glint in her eye and by now he knew better than to underestimate River Tam.

She tilted her head to the side slowly, looking up into his eyes…..a gesture that never failed to entice him.

" There´s still things we need to talk about…." He said, his voice low and dark. River copuld feel it rumbling in his chest.

" I think you´ve done enough talking …if this is your idea of charming a girl!

" So .... can I kiss you now or will you bite?"

" Haven´t decided yet!" she whispered, standing on her tip toes.

" Why don´t you find out?"

 SORRY …YES , Yes …..next chapter will pick up here …I promise!!!!