A/N I just thought of this today. Brand new thought, really. Patented by this brain as an angsty idea. How did I came up with it? One very beloved friend is moving away. For good. I'm going to miss him dearly, but, well, it kind of relates to the story. I did my best, I don't want it to be a crappy thing. I would really appreciate a response to this. I think it's one of the few stories that truly mean something to me.
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Disclaimer: Harry Potter, names, characters, places, situations and related issues belong to J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Inc, and Raincoast Books.
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"Tell me, what's in you mind?"
"Nothing really, just stuff."
He grinned. "Just stuff? Now, what kind of stuff would be taking up most space in your head?"
He woke up with a start. A glance at his alarm clock told him it was well past midnight. He looked at the window; the few rays of moonlight that fought their way through the wooden boards nailed along it glimmered sharply. He flinched at the sight and quickly turned his head away.
Remus Lupin put his head on his hands, his eyes half concealed behind his bangs. A forlorn sigh escaped his lips. It was the third time this week. Waking up in the middle of the night after having the same dream.
Remus shook his head and lay back against the pillow. He closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to envelope him again.
"So, what are you doing this weekend? Up to the challenge? James and I are going to Hogsmeade, try and see what Madame Rosmerta has for a special tonight."
"Not today, Padfoot. Maybe some other time."
"Aw, come on you silly, old wolf. There's always a night to study for whatever-thingy. And, you know, I heard that Ravenclaw prefect is going to be there."
"I do not so know what you're talking about."
"Come on, Moony. Just tonight, we've got all the time in the world to study afterwards. Just a little fun, it's not going to get any of us killed."
After a few minutes he jerked awake again, this time sweat covering his brow. Remus stood up and wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his pajama. He walked to the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror. A weak-looking man stared back at him.
"Seriously, Moony, you look like crap. Are you sure that rabbit you ate last night didn't upset your stomach?"
Remus looked away from the mirror. He turned on the faucet and splashed water on his face. He wasn't going to sleep for the rest of the night; there was no reason to go back to bed.
He griped the side of the sink as a wave of dizziness passed over him.
"Looks like December flu got me," he mumbled, raising his gaze to look at his reflection again.
Somewhere down the street a car roared past the house. Remus ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his eyes lightly. The circles under them were getting larger for the lack of sleep.
He stepped out of the bathroom, trudging along the carpeted hallway and down to the kitchen. The clock ticked away the hours as he set himself to make a cup of coffee.
The tiled floor felt cold under his bare feet, but he barely noticed as he turned on the old Muggle radio he had found when he moved into the house. The voice of the station man crackled a bit, the sounds of the crew clapping as he announced a singer's newly debut resounding in the background.
Remus took a sip from his coffee and changed the station. After finding nothing interesting, he turned it off and set down his mug. He stared through the window at the road that ran in front of his house.
He had managed to find it after sitting at the same Café everyday, skimming through the newspaper ads announcing houses. It stood lonely in an old, nearly abandoned street in the outskirts of the city. Somehow he had thought of it as a place where he could spend the rest of his lifetime, blending into its atmosphere; just another mere shadow that inhabited the old Victorian building.
He winced at the memory of how the salesman had looked at him in his tattered clothes when he came to ask for the price. According to him, it was a very ancient, antique, and respectful place to reside, and he couldn't quite understand why a gentleman like him would like to live in a house like this. Remus understood what he said. He still asked for the price.
The salesman's attitude changed greatly when Remus told him he had the money to pay for it. He almost knocked himself off his feet when he had seen him take out the stuffed brown, leather wallet from his pants pocket.
Remus smiled bitterly. Dumbledore had insisted in paying him for his "services" tending to Grimmauld Place while they set the house's affairs in order. Plus, and as much as Remus had denied, a little extra for being "one of the best teachers Hogwarts had ever seen".
Still, it seemed as a condolence prize for staying at his late friend's house after his death. He might as well have put Harry up to it, but he was still a minor, a child to be protected.
Though, he would be expected to protect them all from Voldemort soon.
"Poor Harry", he thought, "he blames himself for Sirius' death."
Oh poor, poor Harry. He had sulked for days, locking himself in his room for hours, not coming out even at meal times. Remus had been told that Harry's relatives didn't seem to mind in the least if he starved up there all alone by himself. That was until Mad-Eye decided to step in and reminded the Dursleys of his threat at King's Cross. They reacted pretty well to it. According to Arabella, Harry had been taking long walks at night and looked healthier than he had in the last weeks.
"At least we can hope he doesn't do anything stupid", he said as he stared down at his empty mug.
"But he's being too thickhead for blaming himself as the cause of Sirius dying."
Remus shook his head sadly. The poor boy had enough burden on his shoulders, why did there have to be another load to be added?
He stood up suddenly, walking towards the door quickly.
"I don't need to be inside, I don't want to," he thought.
He grabbed his coat from the hook besides the entrance door and grasped the doorknob. Normally he would have preferred to stay inside at night. Any night that wasn't Full Moon.
He braced himself and opened the door. The street was deserted but the sky was clear enough to take a walk. He locked the house and strode down the front steps and into the garden. The plants and bushes, he noticed, looked as though they hadn't been tended to in long time. He reached the front fence and leaped clear over it. He smiled as he started to jog up the sidewalk. He had almost forgotten what if felt like to run at night. Sleep wasn't that necessary if you were a werewolf.
He took a faster pace, jumping over the occasional dustbins. The trees of a nearby park were becoming visible as he rounded a corner. He reached it in almost no time.
When he finally had neared a clearing between the trees, he collapsed into the leafy ground. He put his arms over his eyes and panted slightly. It had been long since he had taken a run like that. Almost since his time back at Hogwarts. Since the Marauders time.
A gust of wind rustled the canopy above his head, making even more leaves fall over him. It was winter already and these trees looked completely unaffected by it.
Remus watched the leaves as they fell. "So this is the place where times stops." he thought.
"If only…"
How he wished he could stop time. Oh, how we wished so much. Go back to the time when all four of them where together. When death didn't plagued their sleep and the voices of their dead friends didn't haunt them at night. When they were all alive, when the Marauders thrived as a group of friends in the old school grounds.
Remus rolled over to lie on his stomach, his head resting on his arms. Time couldn't be stopped; as much as he wished it would.
"You're an adult, for God's Sake," he thought, "behave like one, Remus."
But if only time would go back, go back so that he would have stopped Sirius from going to the Ministry. I only he had known what was about to happen…
He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. All of his life he had been expected to comfort everyone else in times of despair. Comfort Sirius at James and Lily's funeral; comfort Harry during third year when he told him about his parents; comfort Molly when her son had returned his jumper without a note. But there was no one to comfort him when it was his time to cry.
He was always supposed to be the sensible one, the one to calculate the exact amount of danger Sirius and James might be getting them into with their next scheme.
"There isn't going to be anymore of it," he thought as he slowly raised himself into a sitting position. "There will be no more pranks, no more jokes with Sirius…"
He hugged his knees close to his chest as realization dawned at him. He had known it for long, way back to James' death. They wouldn't be around anymore to talk to, to chase each other around in the Shrieking Shack. There wouldn't be any more Sirius to joke with, no more James that would study with him late into the night and still manage to understand what they were studying for, no more Peter to make him laugh with his fake imitations of Snape.
Remus ran a hand through his hair and took a deep, shaky breathe. But it hurt the most, the thing that would always stab a knife into his heart when he thought of it, that it had all gone away with a simple curse. They had all been taken away by a spell performed by the Dark Side.
"You know, Moony, old boy, life doesn't end here. There's a load of things you can do now that we're off and out. Think about it! You can even ask the pretty prefect to marry you. Her parents would be proud of having a son-in-law with an expedient of clear, un-detetioned- career at Hogwarts. We all know you're the good boy, Lupin."
He sighed and rubbed his temple, which was beginning to hurt. A noise made his head snap up. A movement behind a tree caught his eye and he stood up, his hand slowly snaking into the coat pocket for his wand.
"Who's there?" he called out.
He raised his wand and muttered a light spell. The face of Harry Potter appeared behind the tree.
With a look of surprise, Remus lowered his wand and tucked it back into his pocket.
"Blimey, Harry, what are you doing out here at this hour?" he asked, a concerned frown appearing on his features.
Harry looked sheepishly at his feet. "Couldn't stand the Dursleys," he said, staring at his shoelace with a sudden interest. "Besides," he looked up, "the park near Privet Drive was being vandalized by my cousin and his friends. I decided upon your advice to keep myself out of trouble." Harry smiled grimly at him.
"Anyway, what are you doing out here?" he asked bemusedly, leaning back against a tree.
Remus sighed and propped himself once more in the ground.
"You must be thinking me a very wrong man if I was to stay in doors in a time like this, and I don't mean the weather." He smiled weakly at the look in Harry's face.
"It seems I wasn't the only one, was I, Harry?"
Remus looked at Harry for any reaction, the concerned frown lingering still.
"I—I kept thinking about Sirius." He finally said.
Remus nodded in understanding. "I see. Sit down, there's plenty of space here. No need to be ruining your back with the bark of that oak."
Harry squatted down besides the tree in, sitting in front of Remus. He rested his head back into the tree for a few moments before sighing and setting his gaze back to him.
"He isn't going to be here anymore," he said, his voice breaking slightly, "he just—he isn't, you see?"
A knowing smile spread itself along Remus' face. "I know Harry, believe me. I know."
Harry smiled back and sighed in relief. He had almost been expecting an answer like the ones the rest of them would have. But this was Remus, his teacher and his father's best friend. Of course he knew.
After a few moments of silence, Remus took out a watch from his pocket and held it to his ear before giving it a shake. Harry's voice suddenly filled the clearing.
"It was my fault," he said determinately, "I was an idiot; I should have known that it was a trap, if I had listened to Hermione—"
"Then it was my fault too," Remus said calmly, "if I had known that it would have end up that way, I would have told Sirius to be prepared if he was going to fight. Not to mention that I should have insisted on taking Kreacher to the Ministry for an early grave."
Harry stared at him. After a while, a chuckled escaped him and he began to laugh uncontrollably, Remus merrily joining in.
Wiping a tear from his face, Harry leaned back against the tree and crossed his arms.
"Well, Professor Lupin, have you considered going back to Hogwarts this year?"
Remus looked at him for a few moments before he finally said:
"I'm not going back, Harry."
The grin on Harry's face faded. "But, the Anti-Werewolf Legislation—it doesn't, I mean, Umbridge's gone. Can you—?
Remus shook his head sadly. "Harry, it's not that I can't. I don't want to. It's time to move on, and this is my way of coping with things. You need to do the same. We can't dwell on dreams and wishes. If we do, we'll forget how to live and end up losing what we have left."
For a moment, Harry thought Lupin was saying this more to himself than to him.
"Do you understand?"
He nodded forlornly.
"He's not coming back, Harry."
The silence that came after that lasted for minutes. That was all they needed to hear. The truth they had both known but have kept bottled up inside.
Remus smiled slightly at him.
"So, what's on your mind now, Potter?"
Harry looked up, startled at the abrupt cut of the silence.
He opened and closed his mouth several times before finally taking a serious expression.
"Nothing much, Lupin. Just stuff."
Remus grinned and dangled his arms over his knees.
"I'd know that, Harry. But what could possibly be taking up so much space in you head?"
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A/N I would like to add a little dedication for one very special person.
Snidget (aka Under the Black Flag)- Thank you for being my most loyal reviewer and friend. You're one of a kind. This whole chappie is dedicated to you and you're wonderful, beautiful heart. Thanks for putting up with me during my various changing moods. (I'm sorry, but I couldn't continue the other chapter, I had to start it all over again.)
