Title: "The Papers, Chapter 2"
Author: Chicmns
Date: 3/2/04
Rating: G
Spoilers: None
Category: Drama
Keywords: Drama, angst
Summary: Mattie is told by her biological father that he's giving her
up for adoption and receives final adoption papers in the mail, seeting
off a chain of emotional events.
Disclaimer: JAG and all of its' characters belong to Belisarius and
CBS. This story is for pure entertainment, and not for any profit.
Dedication: To all the folks who take the time to read, and to those
who spend even more time reviewing and responding. Thanks!
Author Notes: Takes place during the time period of season 9 of JAG.
Feedback: I'm not one of those authors who don't like it - positive,
negative, or indifferent. Everyone has different reactions, and they
all have value. If so inclined, feel free: mnschicago@yahoo.com.
Chapter 2
Mattie liked riding the bus to school, for lots of reasons. One of the
best was that if there was something on her mind, and if it wasn't
something she was ready to talk to Harm or anyone else about - not that
something like that came up a lot - she could think about things without
any distractions or interruptions. And the conversation she'd had this
past weekend with her biological father, along with the letter in her
backpack she'd received yesterday, definitely qualified. She'd had that
conversation, and the papers from the judge, pretty much memorized by
now; having probably read it a couple of dozen times since she'd gotten
home yesterday, after Jen had handed it to her with a look of intense
curiosity on her face. Mattie smiled to herself, remembering the
curious look on her roommate's face along with her also obvious desire
to respect Mattie's privacy. Mattie knew that her new roommate and
"adopted sister" could be a little .. inquisitive, sometimes ... but she
also knew that Jen would never intentionally hurt her or betray a
confidence. Mattie had well-developed instincts about people for
someone her age ... a benefit of running her own business as a young
teenager... and she knew from the first minute she met Jen that she
could trust her - just as she knew it when she and Harm first met.
She loved Jen from the start, especially when she started calling her
"M" after they'd moved into an apartment in Harm's building together.
She hadn't told Jen yet, but she absolutely loved that nickname ... it
was something very cool, like something she'd always imagined a real
sister would use for a nickname, and it made her love Jen even more. No
one else called her "M" - not even Mac or Harm, both of whom usually
called her things parents used for their children, like "sweetheart", or
"honey" ... when they didn't use her given name.
She looked out of the bus window, deep in thought, as she thought about
her guardian, Harm Rabb. Thinking about him brought a smile and a soft
sigh to her lips. It felt like it's been only a few weeks since they
came into each other's lives, but it'd actually been several months.
And now, after everything that has happened during all of the recent
changes in her life, she had copies of the final adoption papers with
her, needing only Harm's signature to be official. She sighed again,
thinking her last talk with her biological father during their visit
last weekend had been the most emotional they'd ever had. He said
things to her that had shaken and surprised Mattie; that he'd seen how
well she grown with Harm, and how much she obviously loved him back.
He'd told her that, honestly, that his struggle to stay sober was taking
all of his energy, and that he didn't know if he had any left to raise a
child with. That wasn't to say he didn't love her - Mattie knew, past
all of the hurt and anger she still had whenever she thought about the
man who'd taken her mother away from her, that he did. Watching Harm
and Mac around each other had helped her understand how two people could
carry such powerful and conflicted feelings about each other at the same
time, and that had helped make her see her relationship with her
biological father in a different way. Mattie sighed again, remembering
their last conversation. They were sitting in one of the family rooms at
the center where he was staying for treatment and counseling. It was
the only place they could meet alone, according to the temporary orders
in place from Family Court. One weekend a month, the judge had decided,
while the case was being decided. Usually, they managed to stay away
from talking much about Harm, but on this visit, her biological father
had gone right to that topic, after the usual uncomfortable trading of
simple stuff.
"You love him so much, Mattie, and he obviously loves you ... much more
than I thought he did at first, to be honest. And despite that, he's
always been civil to me, and hasn't stood in the way of you and I
spending what time we can together. He wants what's best for you, and so
do I," her father had said to her as they sat in the quiet room reserved
for them.
"I know he does", she replied. "I love him, too - and to me, he's my
father. I don't want to hurt you, but that's how I feel."
"I would be lying if I said that didn't hurt, having to hear that from
my own child. But, part of the program here of getting sober and back in
control of your life is really taking honest looks at yourself in the
mirror, and not running away from what you see and hear. I will never
stop loving you, Mattie ... I hope that you know that."
"Yeah .... " I said, my voice suddenly breaking. For some reason, his
words somehow frightened me, and I wondered if he was about to tell me
something that would end up taking me away from Harm for good.
"I want to show you something."
His sudden change of topic surprised me, and all I could do was nod as
we sat at the table. He looked down at the floor, and suddenly blew out
the breath he'd been holding in, reached into the pocket of his jacket
to take out an envelope that was stuffed with official-looking papers,
and handed them to me. "I got these the other day. They're papers from
the court, along with copies of reports from Social Services on both you
and I. They told me that you and Harm would be receiving papers soon,
too. Go ahead - read them." I looked at his face as he slowly handed
the envelope to me, a strange mix of determination and loss in his eyes.
I took the envelope hesitantly, and pulled out the folded group of
papers. The first pages had the Family Court seal on them, and were
labeled, "Final Order of Termination of Parental Rights." I glanced
quickly at him as he looked away, but not before I saw the moisture
gathering in his eyes. The next set was a report from the social worker
who visits with him at the center, and the last set were the reports
from the counselor who had been handling me and Harm's side of the case.
I decided to leave the final order for last, afraid of what it might
say, and decided to start reading the report from our social worker. I
quickly glanced again at the man who sat quietly across from me to see
him gazing out the window, a sad look in his eyes. I then turned back to
read the papers in my hands.
I was surprised to see so much detailed information; interviews,
observations, input from a few of my teachers - including the one from
my English teacher, the one who hates my living with Harm. There were
also reports on the house visits Harm and I had endured, along with the
written reports from the social worker who'd spent two Saturdays with me
without Harm around. Then, I gasped in shock as I found the personal
written testimonies of not only Harm, but Mac, Jen, Commander Sturgis,
the Roberts, and ... ohh, my .... Admiral Chegwidden himself - something
called an "amicus" brief from JAG. I didn't know what "amicus" meant,
but it sounded like a good thing. The tears started flowing as I read
the words of people who I'd come to think of as my own family, people
who loved me as much as I loved them. And they all seemed to end with
the same general thought, but phrased in different ways: "I don't know
of a better person to love and guide Mattie Grace, than Harmon Rabb,
Jr."
As I sat there across from my uncharacteristically quiet biological
father, not realizing how much I had been crying as I read the letters
in front of me, I suddenly realized how reading through these must have
made him feel. I looked up hesitatingly from the last letter, to see
tears slowly flowing from his eyes as he patiently waited while I
finished reading. I swallowed and started to say something, but he held
up his hand and looked at me, seeming to read what must be showing in my
eyes.
"It's OK, Mattie ....I can't say I enjoyed reading a lot of that stuff,
but it doesn't surprise me at all that so many people can come to love
my little girl so much. And .... I can't say I don't agree with their
conclusions."
My heart stopped at that moment, as I realized what I thought he was
saying. He cleared his throat, and slowly continued.
"I know that I haven't been there for you, Mattie, and I also know that
your mother not being here is my fault, too. That's a lot to take away
from a child, and the fact that I wasn't strong enough to start trying
to make it up to you before now has made me ashamed. I've wanted to ...
so much. You'll never know just how much ......", he stopped, shook his
head quickly, and swallowed. We were both silently crying, and neither
of us bothered to try and wipe the tears away. I looked up at him
through my own tears, and tried to speak.
"I blamed ... blame you ... for her being gone. Sometimes I don't want
to, because I know you're grieving, too .... but I can't help it. I was
so angry, and sad .... and I miss her so much ..." I stopped to gather
my thoughts, and to try to calm the emotions that washed over me every
time I thought of how my mother had been taken away from me. "Harm has
been helping me try to learn to let go of a lot of that stuff. He told
me he doesn't want it to control my life, like his dad being gone ended
up controlling his."
He nodded, having been told the gist of that story by Harm himself
during one of their talks -- although I didn't know it at that moment.
When he saw the puzzled look in my eyes, he told me that Harm had told
him the story of his father, and how that had shaped his life. My father
mentioned that he had been surprised that Harm had revealed that part of
his own background to someone who might end up using it against him in
court; the fact that he knew Harm was a lawyer, and knew the possible
value of what he was telling him -- and yet STILL went ahead and told
him the story -- spoke volumes about the man. It was at that moment,
her father had said, that he realized that he could trust Harmon Rabb
with his daughter. All of this he spoke as he held his gaze with the
daughter whom he'd realized was watching his face closely for any signs
of violating Harm's trust. If I'd seen any sign of that .. I would have
left right then and there, and never spoken to this man ever again.
"He's a good man, Mattie. He really is. Better than I was, or am. And
he loves you more than he loves anything else ... every time I see the
two of you together, I can see that."
"Yeah ... I have the lectures about boys, schoolwork, behavior, and a
hundred other things to prove it", she quipped, a wry smile appearing on
her face.
He laughed and shook her head at me. "Still being a handful, even for
the US Navy, huh?"
I just grinned at him in reply. The grin slowly faded as I saw the
serious look return to his eyes. He seemed to hesitate before
continuing, his voice dropping even lower than usual. I watched his
face, and saw how nervous and anxious he was, nervously fiddling with
his ring as he sat across from me.
"Mattie ... that Final Order .... they, I mean, the social workers, the
counselors, and the Court ... they all think the best place for you is
with Harm."
I sat very still, studying my clasped hands in front of me, unable to
look at my biological father as I waited for my heart to start beating
again - or just stop forever.
"And I agree with them .... which is why I'm going to sign the order."
I gasped, and looked up at him in shock and surprise. I thought for
sure he'd fight the adoption, and try to keep me with him. Why did I
feel so happy and so lost at the same time? What was wrong with me? He
watched me, waiting for me to speak, and I felt ashamed to see the
disappointment flow across his gaze when he saw the excitement that must
have appeared in my eyes. It didn't stay there for long, before it was
replaced by that same look of determination I'd seen earlier.
"You don't want me anymore?", I asked him, my voice coming out in a
strained whisper.
"I DO, Mattie .... more than anything, please believe me. But right
now, I want what's best for you even more than that, and I have to start
trying to make things up to you for what's happened. The best way I can
start doing that is to make sure you're with the person who loves you
AND can do right by you. And right now, I am definitely part of the
first group, but not the second. Doesn't mean I don't want you, or
don't want to try ....," he stopped suddenly, shook himself, a quiet
sigh coming from him, and then he started talking again. ".... it means
that one of the best ways I can do for you is to get sober and to a good
place in my life, while making sure you're not hurt anymore by that
battle. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I felt myself start to cry again. For what, I wasn't entirely sure.
This was definitely turning into a day of confusion. "Yeah. I think I
do. Does this mean we won't ... that we aren't going to talk anymore?"
"Of course not, Mattie. I still want to be a part of your life if you
want, and I hope that you want to be in mine. Signing a piece of paper
doesn't mean I stop loving you. You're found yourself a family that's,
well, not very typical." I nodded, feeling another wry grin finding
its' way to my face as i thought of Harm and my new " 'adopted' aunts,
sisters, uncles, and cousins". "Well, I am hoping that, sometime in the
future, you and I can maybe build something like that, that will work
for both of us, whatever else may be happening in our lives. I hope you
can feel the same way."
Wow. When did her father get so wise and unselfish-sounding?, I
wondered, as I thought about everything he'd just said. It's strange,
but that sounded like something she was positive Harm would have said,
in the same situation. I remembered, as I'd sat there, suddenly
shivering at that weird thought, and took a deep breath before I
answered my father's unspoken question - something I'd learned from
Harm, when I needed to gather my thoughts.
"I feel the same way. I would ... miss you ... if you weren't in my
life, in some way ...", I replied, stumbling over the words. He beamed
at me, then, and I realized that I was very glad about the idea of not
having to let go of him completely.
The rest of our time passed in a haze, as we talked about what would
happen next. I asked him if he wanted to tell Harm himself about his
decision, and he shook his head, smiling at me. "I think that's
something you'll want to do, Mattie. You and he will have plenty to
talk about, anyway, and I think he would enjoy having the memory of
having first heard about it from you, too. Oh - you should probably
wait until the papers arrive, too -- there will be other things for you
two to go over there, I think." I nodded.
We talked a little more until it got close to the time when Harm would
be coming to pick me up. When it was time for me to leave, we slowly
walked to the front entrance where I turned in my visitor tag, and I
turned to him.
"Thank you." I couldn't think of anything else, even though I knew
there was so much more that needed to be said.
He put both his hands on my shoulders for a moment, and then pulled me
against him in a quick hug. It was the first time we'd touched since my
mom's funeral, and I'd pushed him away from me then. This time, I
didn't. I laid my head on his shoulder for a minute, and then we
stepped apart. A familiar horn from the front of the building made me
turn, and I saw Harm's 'Vette idling in front through the large windows
facing the street.
"Call me if you or Harm need to talk .... I'll get the signed papers
back to the court clerk, and then they'll probably set an final date of
appearance or something. Maybe we can all get together for dinner the
next time they give me a day pass here."
"Okay ... that sounds good," I said, looking down at the tips of my
shoes. We stood there for a another moment longer, and then I looked up
at him, smiled, and then turned to walk through the front door. I could
feel him watching me as I walked down the steps and opened the passenger
door of Harm's car, leaning over to kiss him as we hugged after I
settled into the front seat and Harm pointed to my seatbelt clasp, as
usual.
I remembered, sitting there on the school bus as I hugged my backpack to
my chest and continued to gaze out the window, that as we accelerated
away into traffic after leaving the center on Saturday, I'd suddenly
felt this powerful sense of dread and fear, and I shivered again in my
seat as those feelings rushed back again. Harm had noticed me shivering
slightly in the car, and had asked, concerned, how the visit went as his
arm settled around my shoulders. I sighed into his chest and closed my
eyes as I leaned against him in the cramped car and told him things were
OK, having decided at that moment to wait until after he received the
papers in the mail before telling him about what my father haid said to
me about his decision. I didn't want to get his hopes up in case
something changed. and I was also scared about the doubts that suddenly
popped up inside my heart. What if Harm changes his mind, once he gets
the signed papers? His life is so much better now -- he's back at JAG,
he and Mac are really good friends again, and even he and the Admiral
are getting along much better these days ... although I never knew
exactly what happened to make things so strained between them in the
first place. What if he doesn't want me anymore? If he didn't, maybe I
could go back to living by myself and running Grace Aviation full time.
At least I wouldn't have to worry so much about school, and I could live
in the house I grew up in again.
But, I thought, I didn't really want any of that life anymore. I wanted
school, and living in the city, and rooming with Jen, and the Roberts,
and even the Admiral. I wanted Mac, too. She was becoming as much my
mother as my real one had been, and she was teaching me so much. I
wanted to be just like her after I finished growing up.
And Harm. I wanted Harm, too. I wanted him to still be my father, and I
wanted to still be his girl. I wanted so much, now that I'd seen the
possible things that were out there waiting for me. But I couldn't stop
worring about those stupid court papers that came yesterday .. and
whether Harm would want to still sign them, and make me his permanently.
The bus finally arrived in front of Prairie Hill High School, and jerked
to a stop, the driver throwing open the door. Suddenly, as if I'd just
awoke from a strange dream, I heard the voices and laughter of the other
kids around me, and slowly stood up and tossed my backpack across my
shoulder as I started walking off the bus, still in a daze. My stomach
was in knots, and I groaned to myself as I headed to my first class. I
tried to keep reminding myself that Harm loved me as much as I loved
him, still wanted me, and would do anything to make me happy.
Great. Maybe I'll ask Jen to get me a bottle of Pepto to carry in my
backpack next time she went shopping.
END OF CHAPTER 2.
Author: Chicmns
Date: 3/2/04
Rating: G
Spoilers: None
Category: Drama
Keywords: Drama, angst
Summary: Mattie is told by her biological father that he's giving her
up for adoption and receives final adoption papers in the mail, seeting
off a chain of emotional events.
Disclaimer: JAG and all of its' characters belong to Belisarius and
CBS. This story is for pure entertainment, and not for any profit.
Dedication: To all the folks who take the time to read, and to those
who spend even more time reviewing and responding. Thanks!
Author Notes: Takes place during the time period of season 9 of JAG.
Feedback: I'm not one of those authors who don't like it - positive,
negative, or indifferent. Everyone has different reactions, and they
all have value. If so inclined, feel free: mnschicago@yahoo.com.
Chapter 2
Mattie liked riding the bus to school, for lots of reasons. One of the
best was that if there was something on her mind, and if it wasn't
something she was ready to talk to Harm or anyone else about - not that
something like that came up a lot - she could think about things without
any distractions or interruptions. And the conversation she'd had this
past weekend with her biological father, along with the letter in her
backpack she'd received yesterday, definitely qualified. She'd had that
conversation, and the papers from the judge, pretty much memorized by
now; having probably read it a couple of dozen times since she'd gotten
home yesterday, after Jen had handed it to her with a look of intense
curiosity on her face. Mattie smiled to herself, remembering the
curious look on her roommate's face along with her also obvious desire
to respect Mattie's privacy. Mattie knew that her new roommate and
"adopted sister" could be a little .. inquisitive, sometimes ... but she
also knew that Jen would never intentionally hurt her or betray a
confidence. Mattie had well-developed instincts about people for
someone her age ... a benefit of running her own business as a young
teenager... and she knew from the first minute she met Jen that she
could trust her - just as she knew it when she and Harm first met.
She loved Jen from the start, especially when she started calling her
"M" after they'd moved into an apartment in Harm's building together.
She hadn't told Jen yet, but she absolutely loved that nickname ... it
was something very cool, like something she'd always imagined a real
sister would use for a nickname, and it made her love Jen even more. No
one else called her "M" - not even Mac or Harm, both of whom usually
called her things parents used for their children, like "sweetheart", or
"honey" ... when they didn't use her given name.
She looked out of the bus window, deep in thought, as she thought about
her guardian, Harm Rabb. Thinking about him brought a smile and a soft
sigh to her lips. It felt like it's been only a few weeks since they
came into each other's lives, but it'd actually been several months.
And now, after everything that has happened during all of the recent
changes in her life, she had copies of the final adoption papers with
her, needing only Harm's signature to be official. She sighed again,
thinking her last talk with her biological father during their visit
last weekend had been the most emotional they'd ever had. He said
things to her that had shaken and surprised Mattie; that he'd seen how
well she grown with Harm, and how much she obviously loved him back.
He'd told her that, honestly, that his struggle to stay sober was taking
all of his energy, and that he didn't know if he had any left to raise a
child with. That wasn't to say he didn't love her - Mattie knew, past
all of the hurt and anger she still had whenever she thought about the
man who'd taken her mother away from her, that he did. Watching Harm
and Mac around each other had helped her understand how two people could
carry such powerful and conflicted feelings about each other at the same
time, and that had helped make her see her relationship with her
biological father in a different way. Mattie sighed again, remembering
their last conversation. They were sitting in one of the family rooms at
the center where he was staying for treatment and counseling. It was
the only place they could meet alone, according to the temporary orders
in place from Family Court. One weekend a month, the judge had decided,
while the case was being decided. Usually, they managed to stay away
from talking much about Harm, but on this visit, her biological father
had gone right to that topic, after the usual uncomfortable trading of
simple stuff.
"You love him so much, Mattie, and he obviously loves you ... much more
than I thought he did at first, to be honest. And despite that, he's
always been civil to me, and hasn't stood in the way of you and I
spending what time we can together. He wants what's best for you, and so
do I," her father had said to her as they sat in the quiet room reserved
for them.
"I know he does", she replied. "I love him, too - and to me, he's my
father. I don't want to hurt you, but that's how I feel."
"I would be lying if I said that didn't hurt, having to hear that from
my own child. But, part of the program here of getting sober and back in
control of your life is really taking honest looks at yourself in the
mirror, and not running away from what you see and hear. I will never
stop loving you, Mattie ... I hope that you know that."
"Yeah .... " I said, my voice suddenly breaking. For some reason, his
words somehow frightened me, and I wondered if he was about to tell me
something that would end up taking me away from Harm for good.
"I want to show you something."
His sudden change of topic surprised me, and all I could do was nod as
we sat at the table. He looked down at the floor, and suddenly blew out
the breath he'd been holding in, reached into the pocket of his jacket
to take out an envelope that was stuffed with official-looking papers,
and handed them to me. "I got these the other day. They're papers from
the court, along with copies of reports from Social Services on both you
and I. They told me that you and Harm would be receiving papers soon,
too. Go ahead - read them." I looked at his face as he slowly handed
the envelope to me, a strange mix of determination and loss in his eyes.
I took the envelope hesitantly, and pulled out the folded group of
papers. The first pages had the Family Court seal on them, and were
labeled, "Final Order of Termination of Parental Rights." I glanced
quickly at him as he looked away, but not before I saw the moisture
gathering in his eyes. The next set was a report from the social worker
who visits with him at the center, and the last set were the reports
from the counselor who had been handling me and Harm's side of the case.
I decided to leave the final order for last, afraid of what it might
say, and decided to start reading the report from our social worker. I
quickly glanced again at the man who sat quietly across from me to see
him gazing out the window, a sad look in his eyes. I then turned back to
read the papers in my hands.
I was surprised to see so much detailed information; interviews,
observations, input from a few of my teachers - including the one from
my English teacher, the one who hates my living with Harm. There were
also reports on the house visits Harm and I had endured, along with the
written reports from the social worker who'd spent two Saturdays with me
without Harm around. Then, I gasped in shock as I found the personal
written testimonies of not only Harm, but Mac, Jen, Commander Sturgis,
the Roberts, and ... ohh, my .... Admiral Chegwidden himself - something
called an "amicus" brief from JAG. I didn't know what "amicus" meant,
but it sounded like a good thing. The tears started flowing as I read
the words of people who I'd come to think of as my own family, people
who loved me as much as I loved them. And they all seemed to end with
the same general thought, but phrased in different ways: "I don't know
of a better person to love and guide Mattie Grace, than Harmon Rabb,
Jr."
As I sat there across from my uncharacteristically quiet biological
father, not realizing how much I had been crying as I read the letters
in front of me, I suddenly realized how reading through these must have
made him feel. I looked up hesitatingly from the last letter, to see
tears slowly flowing from his eyes as he patiently waited while I
finished reading. I swallowed and started to say something, but he held
up his hand and looked at me, seeming to read what must be showing in my
eyes.
"It's OK, Mattie ....I can't say I enjoyed reading a lot of that stuff,
but it doesn't surprise me at all that so many people can come to love
my little girl so much. And .... I can't say I don't agree with their
conclusions."
My heart stopped at that moment, as I realized what I thought he was
saying. He cleared his throat, and slowly continued.
"I know that I haven't been there for you, Mattie, and I also know that
your mother not being here is my fault, too. That's a lot to take away
from a child, and the fact that I wasn't strong enough to start trying
to make it up to you before now has made me ashamed. I've wanted to ...
so much. You'll never know just how much ......", he stopped, shook his
head quickly, and swallowed. We were both silently crying, and neither
of us bothered to try and wipe the tears away. I looked up at him
through my own tears, and tried to speak.
"I blamed ... blame you ... for her being gone. Sometimes I don't want
to, because I know you're grieving, too .... but I can't help it. I was
so angry, and sad .... and I miss her so much ..." I stopped to gather
my thoughts, and to try to calm the emotions that washed over me every
time I thought of how my mother had been taken away from me. "Harm has
been helping me try to learn to let go of a lot of that stuff. He told
me he doesn't want it to control my life, like his dad being gone ended
up controlling his."
He nodded, having been told the gist of that story by Harm himself
during one of their talks -- although I didn't know it at that moment.
When he saw the puzzled look in my eyes, he told me that Harm had told
him the story of his father, and how that had shaped his life. My father
mentioned that he had been surprised that Harm had revealed that part of
his own background to someone who might end up using it against him in
court; the fact that he knew Harm was a lawyer, and knew the possible
value of what he was telling him -- and yet STILL went ahead and told
him the story -- spoke volumes about the man. It was at that moment,
her father had said, that he realized that he could trust Harmon Rabb
with his daughter. All of this he spoke as he held his gaze with the
daughter whom he'd realized was watching his face closely for any signs
of violating Harm's trust. If I'd seen any sign of that .. I would have
left right then and there, and never spoken to this man ever again.
"He's a good man, Mattie. He really is. Better than I was, or am. And
he loves you more than he loves anything else ... every time I see the
two of you together, I can see that."
"Yeah ... I have the lectures about boys, schoolwork, behavior, and a
hundred other things to prove it", she quipped, a wry smile appearing on
her face.
He laughed and shook her head at me. "Still being a handful, even for
the US Navy, huh?"
I just grinned at him in reply. The grin slowly faded as I saw the
serious look return to his eyes. He seemed to hesitate before
continuing, his voice dropping even lower than usual. I watched his
face, and saw how nervous and anxious he was, nervously fiddling with
his ring as he sat across from me.
"Mattie ... that Final Order .... they, I mean, the social workers, the
counselors, and the Court ... they all think the best place for you is
with Harm."
I sat very still, studying my clasped hands in front of me, unable to
look at my biological father as I waited for my heart to start beating
again - or just stop forever.
"And I agree with them .... which is why I'm going to sign the order."
I gasped, and looked up at him in shock and surprise. I thought for
sure he'd fight the adoption, and try to keep me with him. Why did I
feel so happy and so lost at the same time? What was wrong with me? He
watched me, waiting for me to speak, and I felt ashamed to see the
disappointment flow across his gaze when he saw the excitement that must
have appeared in my eyes. It didn't stay there for long, before it was
replaced by that same look of determination I'd seen earlier.
"You don't want me anymore?", I asked him, my voice coming out in a
strained whisper.
"I DO, Mattie .... more than anything, please believe me. But right
now, I want what's best for you even more than that, and I have to start
trying to make things up to you for what's happened. The best way I can
start doing that is to make sure you're with the person who loves you
AND can do right by you. And right now, I am definitely part of the
first group, but not the second. Doesn't mean I don't want you, or
don't want to try ....," he stopped suddenly, shook himself, a quiet
sigh coming from him, and then he started talking again. ".... it means
that one of the best ways I can do for you is to get sober and to a good
place in my life, while making sure you're not hurt anymore by that
battle. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I felt myself start to cry again. For what, I wasn't entirely sure.
This was definitely turning into a day of confusion. "Yeah. I think I
do. Does this mean we won't ... that we aren't going to talk anymore?"
"Of course not, Mattie. I still want to be a part of your life if you
want, and I hope that you want to be in mine. Signing a piece of paper
doesn't mean I stop loving you. You're found yourself a family that's,
well, not very typical." I nodded, feeling another wry grin finding
its' way to my face as i thought of Harm and my new " 'adopted' aunts,
sisters, uncles, and cousins". "Well, I am hoping that, sometime in the
future, you and I can maybe build something like that, that will work
for both of us, whatever else may be happening in our lives. I hope you
can feel the same way."
Wow. When did her father get so wise and unselfish-sounding?, I
wondered, as I thought about everything he'd just said. It's strange,
but that sounded like something she was positive Harm would have said,
in the same situation. I remembered, as I'd sat there, suddenly
shivering at that weird thought, and took a deep breath before I
answered my father's unspoken question - something I'd learned from
Harm, when I needed to gather my thoughts.
"I feel the same way. I would ... miss you ... if you weren't in my
life, in some way ...", I replied, stumbling over the words. He beamed
at me, then, and I realized that I was very glad about the idea of not
having to let go of him completely.
The rest of our time passed in a haze, as we talked about what would
happen next. I asked him if he wanted to tell Harm himself about his
decision, and he shook his head, smiling at me. "I think that's
something you'll want to do, Mattie. You and he will have plenty to
talk about, anyway, and I think he would enjoy having the memory of
having first heard about it from you, too. Oh - you should probably
wait until the papers arrive, too -- there will be other things for you
two to go over there, I think." I nodded.
We talked a little more until it got close to the time when Harm would
be coming to pick me up. When it was time for me to leave, we slowly
walked to the front entrance where I turned in my visitor tag, and I
turned to him.
"Thank you." I couldn't think of anything else, even though I knew
there was so much more that needed to be said.
He put both his hands on my shoulders for a moment, and then pulled me
against him in a quick hug. It was the first time we'd touched since my
mom's funeral, and I'd pushed him away from me then. This time, I
didn't. I laid my head on his shoulder for a minute, and then we
stepped apart. A familiar horn from the front of the building made me
turn, and I saw Harm's 'Vette idling in front through the large windows
facing the street.
"Call me if you or Harm need to talk .... I'll get the signed papers
back to the court clerk, and then they'll probably set an final date of
appearance or something. Maybe we can all get together for dinner the
next time they give me a day pass here."
"Okay ... that sounds good," I said, looking down at the tips of my
shoes. We stood there for a another moment longer, and then I looked up
at him, smiled, and then turned to walk through the front door. I could
feel him watching me as I walked down the steps and opened the passenger
door of Harm's car, leaning over to kiss him as we hugged after I
settled into the front seat and Harm pointed to my seatbelt clasp, as
usual.
I remembered, sitting there on the school bus as I hugged my backpack to
my chest and continued to gaze out the window, that as we accelerated
away into traffic after leaving the center on Saturday, I'd suddenly
felt this powerful sense of dread and fear, and I shivered again in my
seat as those feelings rushed back again. Harm had noticed me shivering
slightly in the car, and had asked, concerned, how the visit went as his
arm settled around my shoulders. I sighed into his chest and closed my
eyes as I leaned against him in the cramped car and told him things were
OK, having decided at that moment to wait until after he received the
papers in the mail before telling him about what my father haid said to
me about his decision. I didn't want to get his hopes up in case
something changed. and I was also scared about the doubts that suddenly
popped up inside my heart. What if Harm changes his mind, once he gets
the signed papers? His life is so much better now -- he's back at JAG,
he and Mac are really good friends again, and even he and the Admiral
are getting along much better these days ... although I never knew
exactly what happened to make things so strained between them in the
first place. What if he doesn't want me anymore? If he didn't, maybe I
could go back to living by myself and running Grace Aviation full time.
At least I wouldn't have to worry so much about school, and I could live
in the house I grew up in again.
But, I thought, I didn't really want any of that life anymore. I wanted
school, and living in the city, and rooming with Jen, and the Roberts,
and even the Admiral. I wanted Mac, too. She was becoming as much my
mother as my real one had been, and she was teaching me so much. I
wanted to be just like her after I finished growing up.
And Harm. I wanted Harm, too. I wanted him to still be my father, and I
wanted to still be his girl. I wanted so much, now that I'd seen the
possible things that were out there waiting for me. But I couldn't stop
worring about those stupid court papers that came yesterday .. and
whether Harm would want to still sign them, and make me his permanently.
The bus finally arrived in front of Prairie Hill High School, and jerked
to a stop, the driver throwing open the door. Suddenly, as if I'd just
awoke from a strange dream, I heard the voices and laughter of the other
kids around me, and slowly stood up and tossed my backpack across my
shoulder as I started walking off the bus, still in a daze. My stomach
was in knots, and I groaned to myself as I headed to my first class. I
tried to keep reminding myself that Harm loved me as much as I loved
him, still wanted me, and would do anything to make me happy.
Great. Maybe I'll ask Jen to get me a bottle of Pepto to carry in my
backpack next time she went shopping.
END OF CHAPTER 2.
