Chapter Four
Lucas had promised Sami he wouldn't fall asleep but now that Sami had fallen asleep, it was hard to stay awake. The sound of her soft, relaxed breathing and the way her shoulders raised slightly when she inhaled and then lowered again when she exhaled was enough to cause a feeling of absolute relaxation to sweep over his body. She looked and sounded so peaceful. He loved the feeling of completion he felt when he held her. He had never held someone and had their body align so perfectly with his own, he had never had another woman affect him like this. It was amazing, even though he and Sami were locked into a room by armed robbers, it felt like everything was fine because they were together.
Still, thinking about the robbers made him feel a jolt of worry. There was always a chance that the robbers wouldn't let Lucas and Sami leave this room alive. And that did scare him because the idea of leaving so much unsaid with Sami was terrifying. He didn't want to die without telling her how he felt. He didn't want her to die feeling like no man could ever love her again now that Austin and Brandon were gone.
Sami moaned, making Lucas forget all his thoughts. He felt her tremble underneath his arms and then heard her let out a little whimper, "Don't do it. You can't jump. I need you, mommy." Lucas closed his eyes, the heart broken sound of her voice almost unbearable. He couldn't take this. He began shaking her until her eyes opened and she looked up at him, her breathing now ragged.
"God, what happened?" she murmured, her breathing levelling out as the minutes went by.
"You were having a nightmare." Lucas told her, "I think it was about your mother. Do you remember it?"
He saw realization flash through her eyes before she quickly looked away and shrugged off his hands, "No." she mumbled, her voice lacking conviction. Lucas scratched the back of his neck, looking down at Sami with concern. He knew she remembered the nightmare, he saw that in her eyes but she was still avoiding it. She was avoiding everything to do with her mother's death, it was like she thought her mother's death wasn't going to affect her if she just pretended it hadn't happened.
"Sami, when you're hurting, it won't just go away if you try and ignore your feelings." Lucas said carefully.
"Lucas, I don't want to talk about this." Sami responded, shifting across the bed, farther away from him.
Lucas stared at her, feeling stupid and helpless because he had no idea what to say to her, "Sami, you're bottling everything up inside and that's going to hurt you worse. Just let it out. Scream, cry, hit something. You can even hit me if you want. But don't keep acting like nothing happened."
Sami sat up in the bed and scowled at him, "Stop telling me what to do." even though the room was incredibly dark, he could still make out the guilt still surfacing in her light blue eyes, "I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about my mom and what she did."
"Sami, please." Lucas pleaded with her, "Your feelings are there, whether or not you choose to acknowledge them. But if you keep holding back, you're just going to end up hurting yourself even more. It's okay to be sad over what happened, in fact, it's healthy to grieve."
"No." Sami shook her head emphatically, "I can't let myself be sad over her. She doesn't deserve it. No one should be cry for her, not John, not Belle, no one, not after what she did."
"Sami, I know she was wrong to kill herself instead of finding help. But that doesn't mean you can't mourn for her. She had to be having problems, Sami. She must have been sad."
So am I, Sami thought bitterly, "It's more than that. She did so many things I'll never forgive her for." she shook off the hand he placed on her shoulder, "You could never understand what I am going through right now. You don't know everything she put me through."
Lucas felt the helpless feeling inside of him growing at her words. She sounded so cold and unforgiving and he wished he could understand exactly why she was saying all these things. He wanted to understand, he wanted to know why Sami was reacting to her mother's death the way she was. But how could do that if Sami kept pushing him away?
"Sami, I want to try and understand you as much as I can. But you won't let me in. You keep pushing everyone away, especially the people who care most about you. Sami, you can talk to me. It could make you feel better if you gave it a chance."
Sami turned around and glared at him but all of the hurt and confusion and concern in his eyes made her soften immediately, "I can't talk about it. It hurts too much." She thought about the night of her mother's death and tried helplessly to steel herself against the pain that shot through her.
"Sami, you are one of the most important people in my life. I'd do anything to make you feel better. I wish you would talk to me and help me see where you're coming from but if you don't want to, then I won't ask again."
He fell silent and closed his eyes. Sami was still sitting up and once again, she inched closer to him.
"I was there that night." Sami said finally.
Lucas actually felt his heart stop beating for a split second, "What?"
"I was there." Sami repeated, "I was in the penthouse when she jumped."
Lucas sat up and looked at her in shock. He hadn't ever known the exact place she had been when her mother had died but he had always assumed she was somewhere far away from Marlena. This revelation completely stunned him.
Sami continued, her voice shaking, "I went to talk to her. The door was unlocked so I went inside. I saw this silhouette behind the curtain covering the sliding doors that led out to the balcony. So, I went out there and she was already standing over the railings."
Tears were already coursing down her cheeks and Lucas regretted asking her to confide in him. This was killing her, he could tell.
"I-I asked her what she was doing." Sami's voice was hoarse with tears, "Then she turned around and her face was completely blank, like she didn't even recognize me. Then she said, 'I'm the Salem Serial Killer, Sami'. She said it in a flat voice, like she wasn't even sorry. Then she explained that she didn't want to keep killing so she had to end it. All I could think when she was talking was, 'She's the one who took them away from me. She's the one who ruined my life.'"
Lucas wrapped his arms around Sami, who curled up in a fetal position in his lap, "But even then, I didn't want her to die. I begged her not to do it, I tried grabbing her and tried to pull her back over the railings. Then she grabbed my arm and she looked at me. I had never seen her look at me like that before. She looked like she completely hated me. She told me to let go of her or she would take me down with her."
Lucas felt a few tears of his own tears escape his eyes but he didn't bother to wipe them away. He held onto Sami tightly, letting her cry into chest. Her words came out muffled and choked with sobs but he still managed to make out what she was saying.
"I told her that she couldn't die because I needed her. I told her she was the only family I had left. I said everything I could to get her to come back over the railing. Then she gave me this look and said that she had to do this. She said it would make her happy. I kept begging her not to do it. She got angry and told me to leave her alone and let her be happy. She said I never let anyone be happy, it always about me. 'You're so God damn selfish, it's no wonder father died. And I envy him, that's why I'm doing this. Because I can't deal with you anymore." Sami repeated the words her mother had said to her, the words that had been haunting her ever since that night on the balcony.
Lucas knew that if Marlena hadn't already been dead, he would definitely want to kill her. How could she call Sami selfish when she was the one who killed herself and left her daughter feeling guilty and traumatized in the process? Marlena was an insane, heartless bitch for doing this to Sami.
"And right before she jumped, she told me to take care of her letter opener. She told me it was on her desk. She didn't tell me to take care of Belle or John or Will, the only thing she was thinking about was her freaking letter opener." sobs tore at Sami's throat as she continued, "Then she jumped. And I told myself I wouldn't look but I couldn't help it. God, there was so much blood."
Her entire body was wracked with sobs and shudders as Lucas held her, "I killed them, Lucas. They're dead because of me. I did this to them!"
"No, Sami, that's not true. You were not the reason your mom chose to do this. Please don't tell yourself that." his own tears soaked the top of Sami's head.
"I just wanted them to love me." Sami cried brokenly, "Was that too much to ask?"
"It shouldn't have been." Lucas murmured into her hair, "And I'm sorry. You deserved better than this."
"I can't stop thinking about it." Sami confessed, "I keep thinking, maybe if I was never born, then they would still be alive. That's obviously what my mom thought. And even though she hurt me and killed my dad and grandma, I don't hate her. I can't. The only one I hate is myself. It's my fault they're dead. Maybe that means I deserve to be dead too. Maybe it would be better." Sami couldn't believe she had just confessed that to Lucas. She hadn't been planning on confessing that to anyone.
"Sami, don't even think that. It's going to get better, I promise. But right now, you're just getting so overwhelmed in all the bad stuff that you're forgetting about the good things in your life. Like the people that love you and need you."
"Like who?" Sami mumbled, unable to slow her tears.
"Like Will. You're his mother, Sami, and he needs you so much. You have to stay strong for his sake. And I-I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. You're my only real friend, Sami."
Tears began flooding down her face faster at his admission, "And you're my only friend." she responded, her tears blurring her vision as she had to look up and fumble blindly for Lucas' warm, comforting lips.
Lucas had promised Sami he wouldn't fall asleep but now that Sami had fallen asleep, it was hard to stay awake. The sound of her soft, relaxed breathing and the way her shoulders raised slightly when she inhaled and then lowered again when she exhaled was enough to cause a feeling of absolute relaxation to sweep over his body. She looked and sounded so peaceful. He loved the feeling of completion he felt when he held her. He had never held someone and had their body align so perfectly with his own, he had never had another woman affect him like this. It was amazing, even though he and Sami were locked into a room by armed robbers, it felt like everything was fine because they were together.
Still, thinking about the robbers made him feel a jolt of worry. There was always a chance that the robbers wouldn't let Lucas and Sami leave this room alive. And that did scare him because the idea of leaving so much unsaid with Sami was terrifying. He didn't want to die without telling her how he felt. He didn't want her to die feeling like no man could ever love her again now that Austin and Brandon were gone.
Sami moaned, making Lucas forget all his thoughts. He felt her tremble underneath his arms and then heard her let out a little whimper, "Don't do it. You can't jump. I need you, mommy." Lucas closed his eyes, the heart broken sound of her voice almost unbearable. He couldn't take this. He began shaking her until her eyes opened and she looked up at him, her breathing now ragged.
"God, what happened?" she murmured, her breathing levelling out as the minutes went by.
"You were having a nightmare." Lucas told her, "I think it was about your mother. Do you remember it?"
He saw realization flash through her eyes before she quickly looked away and shrugged off his hands, "No." she mumbled, her voice lacking conviction. Lucas scratched the back of his neck, looking down at Sami with concern. He knew she remembered the nightmare, he saw that in her eyes but she was still avoiding it. She was avoiding everything to do with her mother's death, it was like she thought her mother's death wasn't going to affect her if she just pretended it hadn't happened.
"Sami, when you're hurting, it won't just go away if you try and ignore your feelings." Lucas said carefully.
"Lucas, I don't want to talk about this." Sami responded, shifting across the bed, farther away from him.
Lucas stared at her, feeling stupid and helpless because he had no idea what to say to her, "Sami, you're bottling everything up inside and that's going to hurt you worse. Just let it out. Scream, cry, hit something. You can even hit me if you want. But don't keep acting like nothing happened."
Sami sat up in the bed and scowled at him, "Stop telling me what to do." even though the room was incredibly dark, he could still make out the guilt still surfacing in her light blue eyes, "I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about my mom and what she did."
"Sami, please." Lucas pleaded with her, "Your feelings are there, whether or not you choose to acknowledge them. But if you keep holding back, you're just going to end up hurting yourself even more. It's okay to be sad over what happened, in fact, it's healthy to grieve."
"No." Sami shook her head emphatically, "I can't let myself be sad over her. She doesn't deserve it. No one should be cry for her, not John, not Belle, no one, not after what she did."
"Sami, I know she was wrong to kill herself instead of finding help. But that doesn't mean you can't mourn for her. She had to be having problems, Sami. She must have been sad."
So am I, Sami thought bitterly, "It's more than that. She did so many things I'll never forgive her for." she shook off the hand he placed on her shoulder, "You could never understand what I am going through right now. You don't know everything she put me through."
Lucas felt the helpless feeling inside of him growing at her words. She sounded so cold and unforgiving and he wished he could understand exactly why she was saying all these things. He wanted to understand, he wanted to know why Sami was reacting to her mother's death the way she was. But how could do that if Sami kept pushing him away?
"Sami, I want to try and understand you as much as I can. But you won't let me in. You keep pushing everyone away, especially the people who care most about you. Sami, you can talk to me. It could make you feel better if you gave it a chance."
Sami turned around and glared at him but all of the hurt and confusion and concern in his eyes made her soften immediately, "I can't talk about it. It hurts too much." She thought about the night of her mother's death and tried helplessly to steel herself against the pain that shot through her.
"Sami, you are one of the most important people in my life. I'd do anything to make you feel better. I wish you would talk to me and help me see where you're coming from but if you don't want to, then I won't ask again."
He fell silent and closed his eyes. Sami was still sitting up and once again, she inched closer to him.
"I was there that night." Sami said finally.
Lucas actually felt his heart stop beating for a split second, "What?"
"I was there." Sami repeated, "I was in the penthouse when she jumped."
Lucas sat up and looked at her in shock. He hadn't ever known the exact place she had been when her mother had died but he had always assumed she was somewhere far away from Marlena. This revelation completely stunned him.
Sami continued, her voice shaking, "I went to talk to her. The door was unlocked so I went inside. I saw this silhouette behind the curtain covering the sliding doors that led out to the balcony. So, I went out there and she was already standing over the railings."
Tears were already coursing down her cheeks and Lucas regretted asking her to confide in him. This was killing her, he could tell.
"I-I asked her what she was doing." Sami's voice was hoarse with tears, "Then she turned around and her face was completely blank, like she didn't even recognize me. Then she said, 'I'm the Salem Serial Killer, Sami'. She said it in a flat voice, like she wasn't even sorry. Then she explained that she didn't want to keep killing so she had to end it. All I could think when she was talking was, 'She's the one who took them away from me. She's the one who ruined my life.'"
Lucas wrapped his arms around Sami, who curled up in a fetal position in his lap, "But even then, I didn't want her to die. I begged her not to do it, I tried grabbing her and tried to pull her back over the railings. Then she grabbed my arm and she looked at me. I had never seen her look at me like that before. She looked like she completely hated me. She told me to let go of her or she would take me down with her."
Lucas felt a few tears of his own tears escape his eyes but he didn't bother to wipe them away. He held onto Sami tightly, letting her cry into chest. Her words came out muffled and choked with sobs but he still managed to make out what she was saying.
"I told her that she couldn't die because I needed her. I told her she was the only family I had left. I said everything I could to get her to come back over the railing. Then she gave me this look and said that she had to do this. She said it would make her happy. I kept begging her not to do it. She got angry and told me to leave her alone and let her be happy. She said I never let anyone be happy, it always about me. 'You're so God damn selfish, it's no wonder father died. And I envy him, that's why I'm doing this. Because I can't deal with you anymore." Sami repeated the words her mother had said to her, the words that had been haunting her ever since that night on the balcony.
Lucas knew that if Marlena hadn't already been dead, he would definitely want to kill her. How could she call Sami selfish when she was the one who killed herself and left her daughter feeling guilty and traumatized in the process? Marlena was an insane, heartless bitch for doing this to Sami.
"And right before she jumped, she told me to take care of her letter opener. She told me it was on her desk. She didn't tell me to take care of Belle or John or Will, the only thing she was thinking about was her freaking letter opener." sobs tore at Sami's throat as she continued, "Then she jumped. And I told myself I wouldn't look but I couldn't help it. God, there was so much blood."
Her entire body was wracked with sobs and shudders as Lucas held her, "I killed them, Lucas. They're dead because of me. I did this to them!"
"No, Sami, that's not true. You were not the reason your mom chose to do this. Please don't tell yourself that." his own tears soaked the top of Sami's head.
"I just wanted them to love me." Sami cried brokenly, "Was that too much to ask?"
"It shouldn't have been." Lucas murmured into her hair, "And I'm sorry. You deserved better than this."
"I can't stop thinking about it." Sami confessed, "I keep thinking, maybe if I was never born, then they would still be alive. That's obviously what my mom thought. And even though she hurt me and killed my dad and grandma, I don't hate her. I can't. The only one I hate is myself. It's my fault they're dead. Maybe that means I deserve to be dead too. Maybe it would be better." Sami couldn't believe she had just confessed that to Lucas. She hadn't been planning on confessing that to anyone.
"Sami, don't even think that. It's going to get better, I promise. But right now, you're just getting so overwhelmed in all the bad stuff that you're forgetting about the good things in your life. Like the people that love you and need you."
"Like who?" Sami mumbled, unable to slow her tears.
"Like Will. You're his mother, Sami, and he needs you so much. You have to stay strong for his sake. And I-I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. You're my only real friend, Sami."
Tears began flooding down her face faster at his admission, "And you're my only friend." she responded, her tears blurring her vision as she had to look up and fumble blindly for Lucas' warm, comforting lips.
