Chapter Eight

Breathe. Just concentrate on breathing. In deep breath and hold it. Exhale through the mouth slow. Breathe. Just concentrate on breathing...don't freak out. Ah'm in control.

Ah am sooo not in control. Ah hate this. The one thing Ah've fought for all mah life is control. Of mah powers, of mah emotions, an' mah destiny. Ask anybody about me they'll say Ah'm cocky, hotheaded, independent, strong, petulant at times - but in control? That's usually not what people think when they think about me.

As time goes on, it just keeps gettin' harder an' harder to cope. The more people Ah absorb into me, the more of me Ah lose. Sometimes Ah wake up an' Ah don't know who Ah am when Ah look in the mirror. It's terrifying to not know where you are when you're layin' in your own bed an' your best friends are close by. What do Ah say to them? Ah don't deserve any pity, not after all the things Ah've done in mah life. Not after all the lives Ah've taken or ruined. Sure, Ah've tried to make up for mah past. Ah know Ah've done good an' made a difference in the world. Ah'm a good person. Some of the psyches Ah've absorbed aren't. When Ah have a mental lapse, or Ah'm just plain tired, they win their way t' the surface an' have their way. Sometimes all Ah can do is watch until Ah can get mahself back in control again. Sometimes the damage is already done like earlier with that soldier woman. Ah saw the way they all looked at me. They want to trust me, but they don't know if they can. They're scared of mah powers an' what Ah can do. Fuck, so am Ah. Ah'm so messed up, if Ah found a way to harness all these borrowed powers, not even Magneto or Apocalypse could fuck with me. Damn. That'd be freakin' scary.

Voices. Dozens of them all speaking at once. Sometimes they're quiet. A lot of the times its just quiet noise. Some days, bad days, Ah can hear them all.

Shut up. Just shut the fuck up, all of you. What Ah wouldn't do for a bit of peace and quiet in mah own skull. Ah think the sound of mah own thoughts would be deafening. So why do Ah keep absorbing people when Ah can't handle what Ah got runnin' around in mah head now? Was Destiny right? What did she call it? Enthrallment? Man, was she right when she said Ah could lose mahself.

All Ah have to do is find mah center. Control this, girl! This is your bailiwick, this is mah head Ah'm the top dog here. Just like Logan taught me, concentrate and breath. Thank God for Logan, he's about the only person who can really understand what Ah'm goin' through. He's had his head messed around with so much, he's not sure who he really is either. Ah guess it's not so much who ya were that matters, as who ya are now. An' right now, Ah'm the bitch runnin' things around here an' that's that.

Just breathe. In an' out. In an' out. Stop thinkin' an just breathe. Ah so don't want to freak out; the others are counting on me. Please God, don't let me freak out. Not now.

"Am I interrupting, child?"

"Ororo?" Opening mah eyes and straightening, Ah see Ororo sitting on the side of mah bed, a worried look on her face. "Um, no of course not. Ah was just meditating."

"Has it helped?" She leans forward, resting her chin on her fist.

"Not much.."

"You do not look well," she notices as she gets off the bed. "Perhaps you should lay down and rest a while."

"Yeah." Ah don't move.

"Can I help in any way?" She moves to stand beside me and offers me her hand. Ah accept it and she pulls me to mah feet.

"Ah dunno. Ya got an aspirin about the size of a Volkswagen?"

"The headaches still persist?"

"Aauugghhh. You could say that." Walking over to mah bed, Ah feel a bit lightheaded. Then the room begins to darken.

Ah hear Ororo call for Hank before everything goes black.

"Shut up! You don't know anything!" Ah tossed mah ashtray against the bedroom door and stalked to the window, seeing everything Ah wanted to be and every place wanted to go.

"Young lady, open this door right now!" Momma pounded an angry fist against it and Ah'm sure it's about ready to break. She could get in here easy, but she's never come in when Ah told her not to. Strange, she treats me like a child but respects that Ah won't let her in. Ah don't understand grown-ups.

"Fuck off!" Flouncing down onto mah bed, Ah pull mah package of cigarettes out of mah night stand and lit one with mah new Zippo. Taking a long drag, Ah just sit an' listen to her rant.

"I know you went out last night when I told you not to. You're fourteen years old young lady and you'll do as I say." She pounded on the door again. "Is that smoke I smell? What did I tell you?"

Getting off mah bed and going to the door, Ah take a drag and blow it at the door. "Make sure ya kill 'em with the first shot?"

Silence.

Ha! That shut her up. Score one for the home team.

"Raven, could you not leave the girl alone for just one morning?" Oops. Ah forgot about Irene. Ah hated to fight with her, she usually stood up for me against Momma.

"Irene!" Ah guess Momma forgot she was here. "The child doesn't listen. I should just leave her alone?" Hell yes, get away from the door ya old, blue hag!

"For today, yes. Leave the girl alone."

There was a pause.

"What's wrong, Irene?"

"A headache. I'm beginning to feel my years."

Man, guilt much? I won't feel bad for upsetting Irene, Momma started it. Ah just wanted to have a nice vacation with mah family. But can we do that? No! Tell me one thing an' do another. Can't even get any decent books to read. She wants to keep me cooped up in here when there's a whole world outside these walls. How could it hurt to meet other kids mah age? But no. We have a mission to do. We've always got a damn mission. I'm sick of the damn mission. Why can't Ah just have some fun? Only pleasure Ah get around here is from a few pills that Ah steal from Momma. An' she hollers at me for smokin'.

Couple of minutes later, Momma knocked at mah door. Quietly this time.

"What?" Ah ask.

"How about we go out today?" Ah don't answer her. "We could go to that bookstore in the square." Silence. "You can have anything you want...?" Bingo! We have a winner. Grinding mah cigarette butt on the windowsill, Ah go to the door an' open it. Hey, forgive an' forget right? Nah, I'm just easy...

Man, do Ah have one hell of a headache. Not to mention that Ah feel like Ah could puke at the slightest movement. Cautiously, Ah crack open one eye.

"How do you feel, Rogue?" Hank checks my blood pressure as Ororo sits down on the bed beside me. Even that slight movement makes me ill.

"Like crap, but thanks for askin'."

"What happened?" He flashes a light in mah eyes to check mah dilation which shoots a pain straight through to the back of mah head.

"Ah passed out?"

"Very good. But why did you pass out?"

"Hey, you're the doctor..."

"What were you doing before this happened?"

"Meditating." Ah open both eyes and struggle to sit up. "Tryin' not to freak out."

"Freak out?"

"Y'know...lose it." Ororo helps me into an upright position. Feeling suddenly very hot, Ah kick the blankets away from me. Ah need some air. He stares at me. "Lose control. To let myself go an' just give in to all the voices in mah head. To rip the ceilin' off this place with Cyclops' optic blast and use Magneto's magnetic power to...Ah don't really know. But Ah got all this power inside me, all these voices in mah head, and they all want to let lose, to get out. Ah'm tired of not having any control."

"But you do." Ororo makes me look at her. "If you did not, I would not be talking to you right now. You stay in control every day, 365 days a year. An occasional lapse does not mean that you are not in control. How you manage to even form a coherent sentence...I find myself in awe of your control everyday, Rogue."

Wow. That sure makes me feel better. "Thanks. Ah guess Ah never looked at it that way. Can't see the trees for the forest an' all." An' the fact that Ah never seem to make any ground. Ah never get ahead.

"You should rest a while, Rogue. You're obviously tired and a little rest wouldn't hurt you." He motions for Ororo to leave. "Doctor's orders."

"Okay." Ah sink back down into the bed, and Hank pulls the covers up over me. They leave quietly and assure me that they are nearby. Ah fall asleep within moments.

I come down the stairs the next morning to the lounge and find everyone already downstairs. Apparently I slept in.

"Good morning, sleepyhead. Did you rest well?"

"Mornin', Hank." Coffee. I smell coffee. Sitting down at the table with the rest of the gang, Ah grab the pot and pour mahself a hot cup. Ah don't even bother with any sugar or cream; I need it black an' strong.

"Is everything okay, Rogue?" Bishop passes me a blueberry muffin.

"Yep. Feel like a million bucks."

"Excellent." Tessa sets her cup of tea on the table and helps herself to another Danish. "I believe you mentioned something about Madrid? The Hellfire Club have extensive records on this part of the world. Intelligence reports indicated that Mystique and Destiny had only been here 5 times in the past 10 years before Destiny's death several years ago. There is no mention of any diaries, although I have been scanning the Internet for any leads and I have discovered that there has been a reference to something called the 13 Books of Truth."

"That sounds to close to what we're looking for to be a coincidence. Destiny wrote 13 volumes." Ah thought Ah had a muffin? Ah grab another one before Ah direct mah attention to back to Sage. "Was there any mention of Destiny, or possible locales?"

"There was only mentioning of a Seer. A blind mutant Seer who acted as a conduit for higher powers and that the total of Earth's history were contained within the pages. Past, Present, and Future."

"The most logical method of search would be to track the duos movements and.." Hank begins.

"And what?" Bishop interrupts. "Hope we get lucky? The two were all over the globe. And they knew each other for decades. Surely there must be a better approach to this than just groping around in the dark?"

"Ah agree. That's why we've got ourselves a livin', breathin', Cerebro. Right, Sage?" Ah look to Tessa and smile.

"That is correct, Rogue. Although I suspect that your connection to Destiny will aide us in our quest."

"Ah hope that ain't the only reason why Ah'm here." Ah pretend to pout.

"Well, you wouldn't let us leave you behind..." Storm teases.

"Yes, I'm sure you would have tracked us down eventually." Elizabeth quips.

"Speaking of tracking down, we should be heading to Madrid." Ororo rises from the table. "Rogue, you are certain that Destiny hid one of the diaries there?"

"Seems like a good place to start."

Madrid

At the penthouse of millionaire Toby Cambridge, an alias of Mystique's.

Bypassing the penthouse security systems is child's play. However, I cannot help feel that we are being watched. We have found no evidence to support my feelings, and Rogue scouted the perimeter several times at my insistence. Still, I have not lived this long by ignoring my instincts. Having lived on the streets of Cairo as a child, and most of my adult life as an X-Man, my fellow X-Men and I have relied on them time and again. I do not have to tell my X-Men to be on guard. Even when we are at play, we know all to well that danger can rise up and strike us down. Unfortunately, that is a harsh reality in our existence.

Walking into this penthouse, I can see evidence of Mystique and Rogue's time together. Numerous photographs of Rogue and her two guardians hold specific spots throughout the penthouse. They looked as though they were happy. Rogue has never told me much about her past, but she has hinted that she helped Mystique with her many terrorists' acts. She has also said many times that she loves Mystique like a mother. I feel for her at times; loving someone who knowingly recruited her for a life of terrorism and crime. I cannot understand how someone could willingly subject an innocent child to such horrors. Goddess be praised that the child found her way to us.

Instinctively, the rest of the team spreads out and scouts the penthouse, searching for any sign of danger or traps. Rogue, however, stands in the doorway almost as if she were afraid to enter. I have noticed many things about Rogue since she has come to the X-Men years earlier. She is stubborn, strong-willed, loving, cocky, quick to anger; and she usually wears all of these emotions plainly on her face. Logan has gotten after her many times for 'wearing them on her sleeve', as he would put it. Seeing her face now, she looks absolutely stricken.

"The place is clean, Storm." Bishop returns to my side, his gun poised near his shoulder. The others return with similar statements. Rogue quietly inches her way into the penthouse, ignoring everything and heading straight to the bedrooms. I motion for the others to remain where they are as I follow her down the hallway. She passes what was obviously her own room and enters the bedroom at the end of the hallway. She pauses once inside and looks slowly around the room. Standing beside her, I follow her gaze.

"It's been awhile." She says as she walks towards an oak writing desk in the corner of the room. Sitting down in the chair in front of it, she removes her gloves and slowly traces the lines in the wood with her bare hands. "Ah never seen either one of them use this desk. Ah always liked it, though." She turns in the chair at looks directly at me.

"What can you remember of your last visit here?" I ask.

She thinks for a moment before answering. "Well, Destiny went off by herself the last day we were here. Ah remember that we all left the house the same time in the morning, and by the time Momma and Ah got back a few hours later, she was already back."

"That means that the diary must be close by. Can you think of any place that she liked to frequent? Any place that she or Mystique might have spoken of?"

She lets out a soft sigh before continuing. "Well, she liked the park. The blossoms were out an' she liked the smell. Ah overheard her and Momma talkin' about the mausoleum one night. Ah didn't get the whole conversation, but they were talkin' quiet like. Ah remember her tellin' me about the market. She didn't like it much; there were too many people..." She furrows her brow. "That's about all Ah can remember right now."

"That is a very good start. The mausoleum sounds like a good place to look. We'll search here first, then find our way there."

"You start without me, Ah wanna sit here for a second."

"Very well."

Shortly...

"We haven't found a thing, Storm." Psylocke informs her. "We've search high and low but she didn't hide it here."

"We did however, find an extensive array of weapons and some narcotics. As well as some very interesting pictures of Rogue as a youngster that could very well be used as blackmail at a later date." Hank appears with an energy rifle and a photograph of Rogue in a cowgirl suit.

Rogue walks over to Hank and snatches the picture from him. "We've never seen this picture and you'll never, ever breath a word of it to anybody." She bares her teeth in a semblance of a smile. "Ever."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He replies, throwing his hands in the air in surrender.

"I would." Psylocke returns.

"Wonderful." Tessa interjects. "Could we move our search to the mausoleum now, or do I have to listen to more of this banter?"

"At least now we know how to torture her if we get bored."

"Rogue!"

"What? Ah'm just sayin' is all."

The mausoleum.

The weight of centuries hangs heavily in the air and darkness clings like tar on an old boot. Stillness pervades the space, and the whispers of the dead knaw away at the silence in an effort to be heard. Suddenly, the heavy oak door slowly creaks open and sunlight, so long ago forgotten, spills into the room eradicating the long night. A lone figure steps slowly through the portal and stops immediately when through.

"Love what you've done to the place..." He stands just over 6 feet, his lean form clothed in ripped blue jeans and a t-shirt. Dust clings to his sweaty, sinewy biceps as the heat of the afternoon sun draws the cold air through the door behind him.

Turning on his flashlight and pointing it into the tomb, he cautiously enters the room. Dust swirls about his feet as he moves and rises slowly into the air. He covers a cough with the back of his hand and stops to look at a statue of a man in his early twenty's. The name on the base reads "William Hayes". He steps up to the statue and, kneeling down, begins to search around the base.

Running his hands around the base, he comes across a slight indentation in the marble. Pressing it with his middle and index fingers, he is rewarded with a soft click. Nothing visible happens. He walks around the statue looking for a hidden compartment that may have opened. Nothing. Frustrated, he turns to kick the wall behind him when he notices that a nameplate adorning someone's resting place has opened to reveal a space large enough to conceal what he is looking for. Going to it, he stoops down and peers inside with his flashlight. Grinning, he begins to pull out his prize when he hears a familiar southern voice. Leaving his prize where it is, he returns the nameplate to its original position and withdraws...

The plan was shaping out to be better than he had expected.