Doom Witch

Author's Note: Hey dudes. Carry on, it's quite funny at the start, but when Zim finds out about Kurt he gets a bit upset.

- Chapter Three - Zim loves Nirvana -

"Nry-afshi-stick-porful-grt," Zim mumbled weakly, "Crmplik-urw."

"I know what you mean . " GIR said earnestly, sitting contentedly at the end of the sofa. Zim sat up wearily.

"I'm going to contact the Tallest," he said finally, "GIR! Come quickly."

"Okkkeeee Dokeee! Are we gonna see the turnips?" GIR asked excitedly.

"No, GIR. I'm going to speak to the Almighty Tallest. They didn't give me a goal for this week last time I contacted them and it's Saturdee and I'm bored! So I'm going to ask them for something to do," Zim told him.

GIR reached the toilet first, and Zim frowned at him.

"I hate you," GIR said happily, looking up at his master adorably.

"The feeling is mutual, GIR. Now, lets go to the base."

"If I was a bird I'd be a mongoose." GIR said.

Once in the base, Zim ran to the big screen and reached a transmission with the Tallest. They were standing beside a table full of snacks that looked distinctly like .

"TACOOS!" GIR screamed, "Gimme tacos!"

"Zim!" the red Tallest shrieked, while the purple one jumped a metre in the air, even though he was hovering about a foot off the floor, "What are you - it's not - whatever Earth day you call on!"

"Wednelsdee," Zim told them, "All the days end in "dee".

"No they don't!" GIR squeaked.

"Hush, GIR! Be still!" Zim scorned, and GIR bowed his head.

"Okay . " GIR said, and stood perfectly still. Zim turned back to the Tallest.

"I'm sorry for not sticking to my schedule, my Tallest, but-" Zim started to explain.

"You've run out of fuel and are never coming home?" the purple Tallest asked, now recovered from his fright. Zim missed the hopeful tone in his voice.

"No . "

"Earth has run out of food and you're starving slowly?"

"YAY!" GIR cried. Zim spun around to glare at him, then turned back to the Tallest.

"No . "

"Well, what then?" Red asked.

"Yeah! What doom has befallen you? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Purple urged.

"No doom has befallen me, my Tallest! I was just-"

"Really? No doom?" Purple said sadly.

"Not even the inciest winciest bit of doom?" Red pushed. Zim raised an eyebrow and lowered the other. He was glad he was out of his disguise, it always hurt his eyes with those stupid fake things in if he had a puzzled look on his face.

"Well . " Zim said, "I did run into a bit-"

"TELL US!" the Tallest screamed together. Zim looked at GIR in a confused manner, and GIR just looked back at him, expressionless.

"Guh-heh!" GIR let out, after he got bored of looking at Zim. Zim was now very confused, but had to inform his Tallest.

"Well, the dictionary landed on my foot thanks to the Dib child, and then on my other foot thanks to GIR," Zim explained quietly. He hated admitting his glitches, but the Almighty Tallest seemed to like hearing it - more than his successes, mostly. Hmmm .

"EXCELLENT!" Red cried, rubbing his hands together, "The dictionary is his weakness."

"SEEKNESS!" the purple Tallest cut in lamely, "The dictionaries you must be seeking . ful of."

It took a while for Red to cotton on. The four of them stood looking quite awkward.

"Yes . seek . the dictionaries, Zim! That's what we want you to do until Wednelsda-" Red said slowly, trying to make sense of a very bizarre situation.

"Die," Purple corrected.

"Who did?" Red said excitedly.

"No one! It's Wednelsdie! Not Wednelsda. Remember, Zim said every Earth day ends in - die - or is it doo?" Purple corrected, before getting confused himself.

"DAY!" GIR screamed, "DAY, DAY, DAY!"

"No, no. It's 'dee'." Zim settled.

"Oh yeahhhh!" the Tallest said together. GIR shook his head, and took the dog hood down. Somehow, without it, he noticed again the Almighty Tallest had tacos.

"Why you got tacos?" he asked, "Tallest no got tacos!"

"Yes we do!" the red Tallest said, "These are Space Tacos. The latest Irken thing-"

"You took inspiration from food from my planet!" Zim gasped, "Oh, my Tallest, this is an HONOUR!"

Red and Purple looked at each other.

"Yeah . that's what we did . " Purple said, averting his eyes.

"TACOOS! I NEEEEEED TACOOOS!" GIR yelled, "PLEASE! Please, send me the tacos. I need them to liiiive . "

"You don't live, you're a Slave Bot!" Red Tallest scorned.

"NO I AMN'T!" GIR argued.

"Yes you are!" Red shouted again.

"NO I AMN'T!"

"Yes you are!"

"NO I AMN'T!"

"YES YOU ARE!"

"So . " Zim said to Purple.

"Yup . " Purple replied.

"So my mission is to seek dictionaries until Wednelsdee?" Zim asked.

"Isn't it Wednelsdoo?" Purple asked.

"No. Dee."

"Ah. Okay. Gotcha, Zim."

Zim nodded.

"So . how's the Dig thing? Have you killed it yet?" Purple asked.

"Dig? DIB! No, no, I'm working on it. He's the only one who can stop me . he must be destroyed. Yes, DESTROYED! THEN ZIM WILL SMILE! SMILE!"

"This is why we think you're insane, Zim," Purple said, a little scared at Zim's outburst, "Uh - cool."

"Thank you, my Tallest."

Zim and Purple looked to Red and GIR, who were still contradicting each other.

"Ok. Um, Red? Can you kinda . uh . shut that thing up?"

"NO WAY HOSEEPOOP!" GIR shrieked, "Not till GIR get tacos!"

"Can't you get tacos on Earth?" Red asked.

"Not space tacooos!" GIR moaned, "PLEASE THANK YOU!"

"Go get your own tacos! These are my tacos!"

"NO THEY NOT!"

"YES THEY ARE!"

"Woah, woah, woah. Not going through the contradicting thing again. Zim, we have to go eat tacos. See ya!" Purple interrupted, and the screen signed off.

"NO THEY NOT!" GIR screamed at the blank screen. Zim raised his eyebrow again, and ignored GIR.

"Well, that was weird," he said.

"NO THEY NOT!" GIR cried, still looking at the screen like he was still arguing with Red on it.

"Uh - GIR? They're gone."

"NO THEY NOT!"

"Yes, they are."

"NO THEY NOT!"

"YES THEY ARE!"

"NO THEY NOT!"

"YES THEY ARE!"

"NO THEY NOT!"

"YES THEY ARE!"

"NO THEY - finished!"

Zim stormed over to GIR and grabbed him by the hanging down hood of his green dog costume.

"I TELL YOU WHEN WE HAVE FINISHED CONTRADICTING EACH OTHER, alright GIR?" Zim said, softening when he saw GIR's face fall sad, "What's wrong?"

"I want-ed the tacos! I want-ed them!" GIR shrieked, and nestled into Zim's shoulder. Zim let go of the hood, but still GIR clung on.

"I want-ed-ed them, even! Sooooo much . but now they all gone!"

"Ah, but the tacos are named after you, GIR. So everyone back on Irk eating them will think of you and how you brought them the tacos."

GIR blinked.

"GIR Tacos?" he asked.

"No . Space Tacos. Close, huh?" Zim replied.

"I DON'T CARE IF THEY CALLED GIR TACOS! I don't want da Irkens to eat tacos I want! They my tacos! THEY MY TACOOOOOOS!"

GIR had to stop screaming "TACOOOOOOOOOS!" because he ran out of breath.

"Hang on, you don't breathe!" Zim cried.

"TACOOOO - oh yeahhhh!" GIR remembered, and instead began to dance. Zim shook his head in disgust and walked past his robot servant. He left the base and put his feet up on the sofa again, getting his leg things out of his pak. They picked up the dictionary and plopped it on Zim's knee. He decided to look up a few random words.

"Hmmm . alien: a. 1. foreigner. 2. different in nature 3. repugnant - n. 4. foreigner - alienability . huh?" Zim read allowed, and gave up on that one.

"Ok . parboil: vt. Boil until partly cooked. Fine . dictionaries stink."

Zim tried to pick up the dictionary and throw it away, but it was too heavy, so he pushed it off with all his mighty Irken . might. It landed with a squeak, which could only mean .

"YAY!" GIR screamed, "Crappy booky landed on meeee!"

Zim looked at GIR, then looked up.

"Computer!" he snapped.

"Whaaat?" the Computer whined.

"Define "crappy"." Zim ordered. The computer sighed.

"Look it up in the dictionary, Zim!" the Computer said.

"NO! It bores me. And I'm already too bored. Too bored . TELL ME! TELL ZIM OR WRATH!"

"Oh, alright, alright. But only if you pretty promise to leave me alone after that."

"Pretty promise."

"OK. Crap: Gambling game played with two dice also known as craps."

The Computer switched off with a sigh of relief.

"GIR!" Zim yelled, "Have you been gambling?"

"No . " GIR said innocently, "I meant crappy poo poo!"

"Juice?"

"NO! Different crap."

"OK. I'm going to leave this now. COMPUTER!"

A groan came from wherever the Computer was in the house.

"Whhhaaaaaat?" it groaned.

"What do humans do for fun? I'm bored. So very bored . I need . I need . "

"A life?" the Computer suggested helpfully.

"NO! I am surging with life . I need inspiration for my horrible hideous plans . tell me now!" Zim ordered.

"Well, some humans play with toys . " the Computer said.

"Uh - huh?" Zim urged.

"And others go clubbing . "

"Yeah."

"Other humans eat . "

"I EAT!" GIR shrieked, "I EAT TACOOOOS! The Tallest stole my tacos! The Tallest are bad!"

"Others drink alcohol, go out, make friends, read books, write pointless stories about cartoon characters, listen to music - " the Computer continued.

"GIR! NEVER EVER - Computer. What was that thing you just skimmed over?" Zim demanded, half way through telling GIR off.

"What?" the Computer queried, now seriously bored.

"Muse-ik. What is it? Define! Define it now . " Zim said in a very low voice.

"Music. Music is an art form using melodious and harmonious combination of notes-"

"Like the Doom Song?" GIR interrupted.

"No. I said harmonious and melodious," the Computer sneered. Zim tutted.

"I must find out more about this-" Zim pondered aloud, onto something.

"WHAT ABOUT ELEVATOR MUSIC?" GIR screeched, "Ya know, doo doo dee doo doo dee doo doo bing bong!"

"What is the best music? Where can I find it?" Zim asked of the Computer.

"If I give you examples, will you PLEASE leave me alone?" the Computer bargained.

"Ok. I promise. Pretty pretty promise," Zim said honestly. To be serious, the Computer was boring him too. He needed a remedy - and fast.

"Right. Jazz," the Computer played a piece of Jazz music, and Zim turned up his nose, "How 'bout . classical?" The Computer played a piece of Bach.

"It's purr-dy!" GIR soothed, but Zim shook his head.

"No, no, it is too feeble! Give me more . " Zim said.

"Popular Music, known as Pop," the Computer said, and played some Britney Spears music, "Mmmmm, Britney Spears." The music blared "Hit me Baby One More -"

"AAAAARRGGHHH!" Zim yelled, "THE PAIN! THE PAINN! TURN IT OFF . please . turn it off . have mercy."

GIR giggled and began to dance like one of Britney Spears' minions. The Computer was enjoying watching Zim writhing on the ground in agony, but GIR was beginning to scare him.

"Maybe music isn't for me," Zim pondered, once the terrible influence had risen, "Maybe I will just have to read - "

"NO!" The Computer shrieked, "No, one more type! Try Rock!"

"No, I really don't think -" Zim started, but faltered once the Computer began to play a piece of Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit, of course, "Wait . what is that?"

"Rock Band name : Nirvana. Lead singer and guitarist : Kurt Cobain. Drums and vocals . "

"Kurt Cobain," Zim said, as if he had just seen a girl in the street and liked her, and had just learned her name, "Cobain Kurt. What race is he?"

"Human. Can I go now?" The Computer pleaded. Zim nodded, and only the quiet sound of Nirvana was heard. GIR stood up and looked at the ceiling in awe.

"It's reeeallly purr-dy!" he cooed. Zim did his look thing.

"What is, GIR? The music or the ceiling?" he asked, hands on his hips. GIR broke down and began crying on his knees.

"DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!" he screamed desperately, "DON'T MAKE ME CHOOOOOOSE!!!! I don't knnoooowww! I'm just a little penguin!"

Zim could only smile grimly.

"Yes, GIR," he agreed, "Now, we must find out more about this Kurt Cobain. Computer!"

"GO AWAY!" the Computer cried, "Ask a human! Nirvana was a big band in its time!"

"In its time?" Zim said softly, "It's gone?"

"Bands don't last forever, Zim," the Computer said, "Especially when-"

"NO! I must discover. Do not disturb me again, Computer! I've had enough of your babbling all day! Now, I must go out and find stuff! Come GIR!" Zim cried, and grabbed his contact lenses and wig, storming out of the house. GIR pulled up and followed him out, humming a mixture between Britney Spears and elevator music (not that there's much difference anyway).

At the music shop Zim found, entitled "MUSIC STUFF 4 U", Zim walked up to the shop assistant, a small, shrunken woman with a fat belly.

"CHUBBY LADY!" shrieked GIR, and Zim send him off to a listening booth so he could dance to Britney Spears (why GIR, why???).

"Excuse me, chubby Earth servling," Zim began, "I wonder if you could be so graciousful as to tell me about Nurt O'Jane."

The woman looked at him strangely. Zim hated being specific, but he felt now was a good time.

"He was in Firvada," he added. The woman tilted her head, then laughed.

"You mean Nirvana?" she asked.

"What? Oh - uh - YES! Yes, THAT'S IT!" Zim cried, "Nurt O'Jane!"

"Kurt Cobain," the woman corrected.

"YOU DARE QUESTION ZIM?'' Zim yelled, ''Well, Ok, fine, Jurt Fobean, whatever."

"Kurt Cobain."

"YOU DARE CALL ME A CUR?"

"No . I said Kurt Cobain."

"I know you did! I know!"

"Ok then!"

"OK! What happened? Why does he not play in the band I have grown to love over so many years any longer? Did his mother take him to live on Irk?"

"Uhhh . no. He died."

"His hair?"

"No. As in suicide?"

"Sue - iss - ide."

"Suicide."

"Computer! Define "suicide"."

''I'm not a computer ! I'm a sales assistant!"

"Yes, yes, magical. Now tell me! Tell me now . "

"Well, Kurt Cobain killed himself."

"In a desperate attempt to hide the fact he was Irken?"

"What's with all this Irken stuff? Where are you from anyway?"

"I'm from the ceiling!" GIR's happy voice chirped, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman!"

Zim's eyes widened in horror, and kicked GIR back.

"Don't kick me, I'm a perfect little teeny-bopper!" GIR yelled.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SLAVE BOT?" Zim demanded of the sales assistant.

"Well, he's obviously been listening to Britney Spears. It does that to quite a lot of people. Try to keep him restrained, he may try to find his way to Justin Timberlake." The sales assistant warned.

"WHY JUSTIN WHY???" GIR screamed, "I love-ed you!!"

"WHAT'S THE CURE?" Zim cried, "I'll give you anything! PLEASE!"

"Give it a couple of hours. He should realise he's done wrong and spank himself later." The sales lady told Zim. He relaxed.

"Okay. Back to Kurt O'Bane-"

"Nearly. Cobain."

"OK. Thanks. So - why did he self-destruct?"

"It was ages ago!"

"When you were an Earth larva?"

"No. Unemployed."

"Ah."

"It was 1994. Nine years ago. He shot himself in the head. He was drugged up to the eyebrows too. Some say it was murder -"

"ZIM WILL AVENGE!"

"That's just a theory, little more than a rumour . "

"ZIM WILL AVENGE!"

"Okay, whatever. I got customers to serve."

"Thank you information dispensing Earth beast. You will not be forgotten in my oncoming mountain of destruction. I will spare your life and you will spend the rest of it working as a slave! Fare thee well!" Zim poured, then strolled out, dragging GIR with him.

"BYE CHUBBY LADY!" the demented SIR unit shrieked, "Hit me baby -"

Zim hit him.

Once at home, Zim listened to Nirvana and heard Kurt Cobain singing.

"Why do the good ones die?" he asked GIR.

"I really don't." he replied.

"Don't what?"

"Reap fields! Wheeeeeeeeheehee!"

"O .. K ... "

"REMEMBER THE SHEEPIES! REMEMBER THE SHEEPIES!"

"Ok, GIR. Calm down. You're delusional. You need to-"

"SNORE! OK! Oink wiggle wiggle snarf!"

"Fine. I never knew there was a human that was so -"

"Alive?" GIR suggested helpfully.

"No, GIR. He's dead."

"Awwwww, let's go eat tacos."

"No, GIR. I have to ponder on why there is a human I don't hate."

"Can we please go out and buy tacos?"

"Ok, ok. If you let me think afterwards."

"No."

"OK. Whatever. Dog suit now, GIR."

On their usual route to the Crazy Taco restaurant, Zim passed Dib's house. He couldn't see Dib, but Gaz was out in the garden playing her GameSlave. As Zim looked at her, he wondered why he didn't feel a surge of hate cascading through his bones like he normally did.

He looked more closely at her, but there was no seething hate.

"Something's not right, GIR," he said, "That Dib monkey's sibling is up to something . I just know it."

Gaz continued to play her GameSlave.

"Maybe she ate a puppy," GIR suggested, "C'mon! Tacos are cold!"

Zim shook the uneasy feeling from his head and tore his eyes from Gaz who hadn't looked up, even though Zim had stopped and was very unsubtlely staring at her. He picked his head up and clenched GIR's lead, walking ever onwards to the Taco shop.

He missed the keen eyes watching from the inside window.

A/N : Not much Gaz or Dib, but it'll be a Dib chapter up next. It was a fun one to write, no more GIR singing Britney Spears, I promise . mwu ha. I like watching you all writhe. WRITHE! Mwu-ha.

Next chapter : Dib wonders what the hell Zim was doing and needs to act out his plan quickly before something happens. NOT TELLING WHAT IT IS! Mwu-ha.

Also, Gaz isn't talking to Dib, and talks to Zim when he walks past her house .. Dib ain't a happy bunny wunny all tha day. STAY TUNED PPL! AND REVIEW!

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