The Complete Guide to the Piratical Mary Sue, Abridged
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A collection of condensed plots with enough twists, turns and surprise long- lost relations to fill a proverbial barrel of cursed monkeys. Not for the faint of heart, and certainly not for those who will take it seriously.
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The author would like to state that this is all in good fun. She would like to repeat: this is all in good fun. And she will now write it out one more time, just so everyone's on the same page: this is all in good fun. She has in no way based this off any one particular story, they are just generalizations within the fandom. She hopes you get a good laugh and your day has been brightened in some way. .
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~Chapter 1: The Lady-Pirate~
Strong, though there is always a touch of the feminine hiding somewhere in her male-clothed heart. She fights for truth, justice, and er....booty.
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MARY SUE: I don't want to be a lady.
JACK: Why not become a pirate? Every respectable woman is doing it nowadays. It's the latest craze.
MARY SUE: Could I join your crew? You have such a large...ship.
GIBBS: Heavens, no. Dreadful bad luck to have a-
JACK: Quiet, man! Can't you see she is ravishingly beautiful and mysterious?! No doubt she will have a major effect on the upcoming plot. Think of the wild se---gold! Think of the gold!
GIBBS: Aye.
JACK: Not to mention the tragic past that led her to rebel against the constraints of a such a corset-imposing, mad, mad world. She'll break down eventually and cry all over my shoulder. I'll look surprised, of course, then sad or enraged as needed. It will give me a chance to prove I am both a good listener and damn sexy.
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Rarp. Damn Sexy. Rarp.
MARY SUE: Wow, being on a pirate ship is so fun!
JACK: Yes, who ever knew pillaging and wreaking destruction on otherwise innocent people could be so invigorating? Savvy?
MARY SUE: Total savvy.
JACK: I've put up with you for almost a week. Do you love me yet? Or at least have a crush that you're trying very hard to hide? I could work with that.
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. I love you! How did you know?
JACK: I'm damn sexy.
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Rarp. Damn Sexy.
MARY SUE: Is that a ship on yonder horizon?
GIBBS: Aye. A very fast and plot-moving ship. It must be after the woman!
JACK: No it's not. I was just about to score.
PIRATE: Why else would they be after us? It's not like we're wanted men.
JACK: Right. Hoist the main sails! Tie down that flap! Three quarters to starboard! Nautical jargon!
MARY SUE: Jack, I've changed my mind. I don't love you. And to prove it, I will now insult you by making references to all the other women you fool around with.
JACK: My roguish charm never fails! There must be some tragic figure from your past that threatens our eternal happiness sailing the three seas. Either that, or you saw me and Mr. Cotton's parrot together, but I swear it was his idea-
TRAGIC FIGURE FROM PAST: Die!
MARY SUE: Stand back, I'll deal with him.
JACK: Yes, better let the professional handle it.
MARY SUE: With my expert swordsmanship in three spheres of fencing that I picked up after one week of grueling training and naughty innuendo involving swords, I will slay you.
TRAGIC FIGURE FROM PAST: I am slain!
MARY SUE: Oh, the angst of it all!
WILL: I'll comfort you!
JACK: Oh, like that remotely fits into the story-
MARY SUE: Will, my truest of true loves!
~Five bottles of rum later~
MARY SUE: You were right, Jack, he was a eunuch. A hot eunuch, but one who could not fulfill my need for a passionate love scene.
JACK: Excellent, now I believe I was about to comfort you in your angst- riddled despair.
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Angst -riddled despair. Rarp.
MARY SUE: Mr. Cotton's Parrot, you understand me like no other!
~Five bottles of rum later~
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. You were right. He was a parrot. I give up. Who on this whole ship can I love?
JACK: For the love of bad eggs, woman! Can you not see the unseen forces that drive us together? Did you not read the summary?
MARY SUE: You know me too well. I can't bear another chapter without you. Take me now!
JACK: I will now jump wildly out of character for the remainder of this story, so that I may better fit the author's ideal of love.
GIBBS: Pardon, sir, but were you ever in character?
JACK: Avast, Gibbs. All by my Onsies, don't you know, Luv. Shiver me timbers, Savvy?
GIBBS: My mistake.
JACK: Arg.
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FIN
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.
.
A/N: Testing the waters: Continue? Not continue? Feedback welcome and appreciated.
.
.
.
A collection of condensed plots with enough twists, turns and surprise long- lost relations to fill a proverbial barrel of cursed monkeys. Not for the faint of heart, and certainly not for those who will take it seriously.
.
.
The author would like to state that this is all in good fun. She would like to repeat: this is all in good fun. And she will now write it out one more time, just so everyone's on the same page: this is all in good fun. She has in no way based this off any one particular story, they are just generalizations within the fandom. She hopes you get a good laugh and your day has been brightened in some way. .
.
.
~Chapter 1: The Lady-Pirate~
Strong, though there is always a touch of the feminine hiding somewhere in her male-clothed heart. She fights for truth, justice, and er....booty.
.
.
.
MARY SUE: I don't want to be a lady.
JACK: Why not become a pirate? Every respectable woman is doing it nowadays. It's the latest craze.
MARY SUE: Could I join your crew? You have such a large...ship.
GIBBS: Heavens, no. Dreadful bad luck to have a-
JACK: Quiet, man! Can't you see she is ravishingly beautiful and mysterious?! No doubt she will have a major effect on the upcoming plot. Think of the wild se---gold! Think of the gold!
GIBBS: Aye.
JACK: Not to mention the tragic past that led her to rebel against the constraints of a such a corset-imposing, mad, mad world. She'll break down eventually and cry all over my shoulder. I'll look surprised, of course, then sad or enraged as needed. It will give me a chance to prove I am both a good listener and damn sexy.
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Rarp. Damn Sexy. Rarp.
MARY SUE: Wow, being on a pirate ship is so fun!
JACK: Yes, who ever knew pillaging and wreaking destruction on otherwise innocent people could be so invigorating? Savvy?
MARY SUE: Total savvy.
JACK: I've put up with you for almost a week. Do you love me yet? Or at least have a crush that you're trying very hard to hide? I could work with that.
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. I love you! How did you know?
JACK: I'm damn sexy.
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Rarp. Damn Sexy.
MARY SUE: Is that a ship on yonder horizon?
GIBBS: Aye. A very fast and plot-moving ship. It must be after the woman!
JACK: No it's not. I was just about to score.
PIRATE: Why else would they be after us? It's not like we're wanted men.
JACK: Right. Hoist the main sails! Tie down that flap! Three quarters to starboard! Nautical jargon!
MARY SUE: Jack, I've changed my mind. I don't love you. And to prove it, I will now insult you by making references to all the other women you fool around with.
JACK: My roguish charm never fails! There must be some tragic figure from your past that threatens our eternal happiness sailing the three seas. Either that, or you saw me and Mr. Cotton's parrot together, but I swear it was his idea-
TRAGIC FIGURE FROM PAST: Die!
MARY SUE: Stand back, I'll deal with him.
JACK: Yes, better let the professional handle it.
MARY SUE: With my expert swordsmanship in three spheres of fencing that I picked up after one week of grueling training and naughty innuendo involving swords, I will slay you.
TRAGIC FIGURE FROM PAST: I am slain!
MARY SUE: Oh, the angst of it all!
WILL: I'll comfort you!
JACK: Oh, like that remotely fits into the story-
MARY SUE: Will, my truest of true loves!
~Five bottles of rum later~
MARY SUE: You were right, Jack, he was a eunuch. A hot eunuch, but one who could not fulfill my need for a passionate love scene.
JACK: Excellent, now I believe I was about to comfort you in your angst- riddled despair.
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Angst -riddled despair. Rarp.
MARY SUE: Mr. Cotton's Parrot, you understand me like no other!
~Five bottles of rum later~
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. You were right. He was a parrot. I give up. Who on this whole ship can I love?
JACK: For the love of bad eggs, woman! Can you not see the unseen forces that drive us together? Did you not read the summary?
MARY SUE: You know me too well. I can't bear another chapter without you. Take me now!
JACK: I will now jump wildly out of character for the remainder of this story, so that I may better fit the author's ideal of love.
GIBBS: Pardon, sir, but were you ever in character?
JACK: Avast, Gibbs. All by my Onsies, don't you know, Luv. Shiver me timbers, Savvy?
GIBBS: My mistake.
JACK: Arg.
.
.
FIN
.
.
.
A/N: Testing the waters: Continue? Not continue? Feedback welcome and appreciated.
