Doom Witch

Author's Note: Salutations and greetings to you, feeble Earth creatures. How art hou beingful this fine - day. NEXT CHAPTER! Enjoy - then SUFFER! Mwuhhahahahahhahahahahahhahaa- hack hack - ha. Haaaaa. Ha.

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- Chapter Nine - Worst, Naughty Scenario -

Dib stood outside Zim's house and banged on the door and rang the doorbell until the door swung open to reveal GIR in his dog outfit. Dib scowled at him angrily and made to sweep into the base dramatically and demand the answers to what he did to his sister to make her KISS him, because Gaz just wouldn't - uh - do that in normality. It was something Gaz didn't do.

Anyway, then he would destroy Zim and save the Earth and avenge his sister. Blah blah, yadda yadda, it was a great plan.

Alas, his dramatic entrance was foiled, as his enemy's disguised robot frowned slightly and blocked the way, holding one material paw out expectantly.

"What?" Dib snapped irritably, staring down at the dog, who rolled his fake eyes like he was the stupidest kid in the galaxies.

"Heeeeellloooo?" GIR moaned, "Where's my PIZZA?"

Dib tilted his head towards GIR slightly in puzzlement and tried to storm past him, but his attempt failed again. He was getting annoyed now.

"Listen, pipsqueak. I'm Dib, you KNOW me. I'm you're en-em-y, not your pizza delivery boy," Dib told him. The dog's face remained blank.

"Oooooohhh yeeeaaaah," he said finally, "Where's my pizza?"

"I told you, I don't have you're pizza! I'm D-"

"I WANT MY PIZZA!"

"I don't have any!"

"GIVE ME MY PIIIIIZZZAAAAAA!"

"I DON'T HAVE YOUR DRATTED PIZZA!"

GIR gasped.

"Don't speak about the pizza that way!" he sobbed, "HOW COOOOUUUULLLDD YOOOUUUU? HOOOOOOWWWWW???"

"Look, if you let me past, I'll-"

"HHOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW????!!!!!!"

"Hey, listen, robot! I've had enough of your stalling tricks! They won't work, y'hear? Now, give me my pizza - I mean! Let me PAST!"

"Saaayyyy pleeeeeeeaase!"

"No."

"Okay then - PIZZA NOW! OR TACOS! OR TEQUITOS! OR - OR - PIZZA!"

"I don't have any-" Dib stopped mid-yell as Zim staggered to the door looking very weak. He held onto the doorframe and even Dib's expression softened at the sight of Zim like that. He shook it off immediately and scowled at him.

"Zim," he snarled.

"Dib-Stink," Zim regarded him weakly, "What do you-"

"PIZZAAAAAAA!" GIR whined, "Master, the pizza girl no giva meeee pizzzzaaaaaaa!"

"OH MY GOD!" Dib shrieked, "I think I just saw an invisible pizza on the couch there!"

"WHERE?" GIR cried.

"On the couch!" Dib pointed inside the house, where the supposed 'invisible pizza' was. GIR zoomed over to it and looked like he was eating pizza.

"Dat's goooooooood tacos!" he mumbled.

"Wasn't it supposed to be piz-" he started, but Zim wove his sentence away weakly.

"Don't question it," he advised, "Now what do you want, Dib-Stink?"

Zim swayed a little on his feet, then held on with two gloved hands onto the doorframe. Even through his lame disguise he looked pathetic. Dib clucked his teeth. He should take Zim out now while he was vulnerable, it shouldn't matter about the principal of his weakness, it was MANKIND on the line.

"Um - I came to destroy you, Zim," he said quietly.

"You'll never manage it, Dib," Zim moaned, "I have powers you could only dream of possessing, and I - uh - oh -"

Zim fell to his knees with a groan, and GIR looked up from his invisible pizza, or tacos, or whatever he thought he was ACTUALLY eating. Dib looked down at him awkwardly, was Zim dying?

"Uh - yeah, Zim. I've come to annihilate you and save the world," Dib muttered, "The human race will suffer no - Zim?"

With a final groan, Zim fell over backwards, unconscious. GIR ran over to him and shook his head like a doll.

"Master?" he squeaked, "Master? WHERE DID YOU GOOOOO? WHYYY IS IT ALWAYS THE PRETTY ONES??? Whhyyyyyyy?"

GIR knelt down at Zim's head and placed his dog ear on his eye.

"YUP!" he squealed, "He's dead!"

Dib blinked. He staggered forward the few steps that had separated him and his out-for-the-count nemesis, and felt where he felt there should be a pulse. Being Irken, there was none, so Dib took out his X-Ray goggles and scanned GIR to test they were working. It showed a lot of junk. What did they make their robots out of, anyway?

He hovered the glasses over Zim and it showed his squeedly-spooch, still beating like a heart - although - not. Dib took off his glasses and was torn between killing his enemy here, or to walk away. He looked at GIR, then looked at Zim.

"Another time, you bastard," he murmured, then walked back down the path, until GIR screamed after him.

"NO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!" he yelled, and Dib turned to see GIR with a blank face as if he had never shrieked that very long word.

"What?" Dib said, annoyed, and GIR shrugged, before feeling Zim's forehead with his paw and putting it in his mouth.

"Master no like Dib!" he squeaked.

"No, that's right." Dib agreed.

"Dib no like master!" GIR said.

"No, definitely not."

GIR stood up expectantly, standing aside making room for Dib. He frowned, very confused.

"I'm sorry, what are you wanting me to do?" he asked.

"DUH! Help master, he no weeeeeelll!" GIR replied, a little too enthusiastically.

"I can see that, but there is NO WAY I am going to help him. If he dies, it's no blood on my hands."

GIR grinned.

"Master's blood is black," he told him.

"So?"

"I DON'T know. Are you gonna help him?"

"No."

"Awwwwwwwwwwww!"

GIR looked sadly at Zim and patted his head. He attempted to drag him inside, but either couldn't pull him or was pretending not to be able to pull him. Dib suspected the latter, but still he stomped over to GIR. Zim's eyes were closed and he almost looked peaceful, Dib thought.

Not an evil, power-obsessed bee-fearing monster.

"Will he be alright?" Dib asked GIR impaciently.

"I dunnooooo, ask tha compooper!" GIR suggested helpfully.

"Excuse me?" the Computer said superiorly, "Compooper?"

"Look," Dib said, "I really don't have time, and I really don't care, but will Zim - your master - be okay?"

"I know who he is, human," the Computer said mysteriously, "It is just you I do not know-"

"GET ON WIVVVVIIIIT!" GIR screamed excitedly, "The Scary Monkey Show's commin on!! Zim loves that shoooow!"

"Uh - no he doesn't," the Computer said.

"YES HE DO!" GIR disagreed.

"No he doesn't!"

"Look, can we PLEASE just get this over and done with? Compooper - uh - Computer, analyse Zim's - thingy. Find out why he's unconscious." Dib interrupted, and the Computer paused.

"Oooookaay," he agreed, "Processing - PROCESSSING!"

Dib raised an eyebrow and looked at GIR, who giggled delightedly. He had no idea that if his master's weird - surprise fall thing was fatal, he would either be sent to Irk or destroyed. Or left to wander around. Dib almost felt sorry for him and nearly hoped Zim would be alright.

"Zim will be fine," the Computer said finally, and Dib had to fight very hard not to sigh of relief, "He seems to be suffering from - shock?"

"Why are you asking a question?" Dib asked, "You're a computer, you don't-"

"Just because I'm a cold and unfeeling Computer doesn't mean I don't have feelings!" the Computer said defensively.

"YES IT DO!" GIR shrieked.

Still standing in the threshold, Dib made to leave, but GIR stopped him again.

"What now?" Dib asked, "He's gonna be okay! What do you want from me now?"

GIR lowered his eyebrow slightly in annoyance and Dib nearly kicked him, but then he would be attacked by gnomes, and he didn't like the gnomes very much.

"You have to help me carry 'im!" GIR said happily.

"What?" Dib cried.

"YAAAAYYY!"

"I am not going to-"

"YAAAYYY!"

"Seriously, I-"

"YAAAYYY!"

"I-"

"Oh, fine!"

"Aww!"

Dib blinked at GIR, and followed the robot to Zim again. Dib slid his arms between Zim's neck and the back of his knees and carried him over the threshold.

"YAAAAY! THEY'RE MARRIED!" GIR shrieked, and Dib turned on him.

"I'll drop him," he warned, "Now, where do you want me to put him? On the couch?"

"NO!" GIR cried, "The bedroom! THE BEDROOM!"

"What? Aliens don't have-"

"It's a decoy bedroom, in case the master ever had to have what you humans call a 'sleepover," the Computer told him, and Dib nodded.

"Okay, fine, whatever," he said, "Now where is it?"

"At the back of the hooooouuusse!" GIR said, and suddenly the tiles they were standing on rose up to hover over the floor and they zoomed across the living room through a room at the back and into a room Dib had never seen before. He walked into it with GIR singing behind him, and laid Zim down on what was supposed to be a bed roughly.

He looked down at Zim, then scanned the room. Apart from the bed and a couple of chairs in the room, there was only a wall that looked like a TV screen in the room. That was probably where Zim contacted his leaders from other than his base below. Dib looked at the small control panel at the foot of it and would love to play with it, but felt that he shouldn't be in Zim's room when he recovered.

He made to leave the room via the door, but GIR was standing in the way while busy stuffing something down his throat. He had taken off his disguise, and what he was eating looked distinctly like -

"A KEY!" Dib cried, "What did you eat the key for? Why - why did you even lock the door?"

"I didn't say I locked it!" GIR said defensively, and stood aside so Dib could leave. Dib breathed a sigh of relief, then cried out bleakly when he couldn't get the door open. He stared at GIR in horror.

"I didn't say I didn't lock it neither!" he giggled, and shot across the room onto Zim's head.

"WHY DID YOU EAT THE KEY?" bellowed Dib.

"Shhhhh! You'll wake the baby!" GIR hissed.

"What baby?" Dib asked, a little quieter.

"ANY BABY!" GIR yelled, and began to jump up and down on Zim's head. Dib snatched him and flung him against the wall furiously.

"Why - did - you - eat - the - key?" he panted, and GIR cried out, then giggled, then made a sad noise.

"Becauuuuuusssseeee it was cheeky to me!" he shrieked happily, "It had to be eaten!"

"Right, okay, we'll just get out of a window, then," Dib reasoned, and looked at a wall that wasn't made out of TV. There weren't any windows.

"Wha-" he gasped, and slammed the robot against the wall, "I'm going to destroy you, then I'm going to take you apart piece by piece and rebuild you into a key!"

"Unhand my slave-bot!" a slightly less commanding than usual voice ordered, and Dib dropped GIR instinctively, twirling round to face Zim.

"Zim!" he cried, "We're locked in! There's no way out!"

"Nonnsense, feeble Earth baby! Computer! Find a way to get the door open! Computer!" Zim snapped.

"Whhhaaaaat? I'm bored of playing Nirvana!" the Computer whined.

"What? I wasn't - how can you be bored of Nirvana? Anyway, figure out a way to get the door down!"

"Not just now, I'm resting!"

"NOW!"

"NO!"

Zim shook his head. He was obviously not strong enough to feel the need to win an argument. GIR skipped around the room then began to dance. It was then Dib realised properly he was trapped in a small room with two alien life forms that despised him.

"Zim, don't think about anything funny, I swear I will-" Dib started.

"Silence, Dib-Stink," Zim breathed, "I'll kill you when my strength returns."

"Aww, I mean, okay, fine!" Dib agreed, puzzled. This wasn't like Zim, "Uh - why did you faint, by the way?"

"Faint?" Zim asked.

"Pass out. Fall unconscious?"

"Oh. I - don't know. I felt dizzy ever since- THE DOOM WITCH! Your sister, she is a witch!"

"Tell me about it, I mean! Don't speak about my sister like that!"

Zim scowled at Dib, who returned the scowl.

"I'll speak about your sister any way I like, Dib!" Zim cried.

"YOU KISSED HER!" Dib yelled, "You must like her!"

"Wha - why is everyone so obsessed with this 'like' thing? And she 'kissed' me first!"

"I want tacos!" whined GIR.

"Liar!" Dib yelled, "You brainwashed her!"

"She made me faint!"

"I want tacos!" GIR moaned, and blinked as the rear wall flickered and turned on, creating a source of light in the enclosed room.

Dib and Zim didn't seem to notice, but a picture of the Almighty Tallest appeared.

"Hey, Zim!" Purple said, his eyes closed due to eating Space Tacos, "We were just calling to say that there is no Kurt Cobain on Earth! We can't find him so we couldn't capture him and hold him as bait - I mean, fly a kite!"

He shrugged at his companion, but GIR didn't notice.

"He's dead," GIR said, "That makes master sad. He likes anudder hooman nooowwwww! GIMME TACOS!"

"She did not make you faint! YOU FAINTED YOURSELF!" Dib cried in the background, oblivious to the goings on with GIR and the Tallest.

"LIAR! The human Earth weasel boy lies! When will the lies end?" Zim yelled, and ran forward to push Dib, but fell down, under-estimating his returning strength.

"Hey, what's up with Zim?" Red asked GIR, "He looks kinda peaky."

"Ohh yeaaaah, he fainted coz da human girly he likeeees gave 'im a kissss!" GIR told them.

"What's a 'kiss'?" Purple asked.

"'Means Zimmy master likes her!" GIR informed them, feeling important.

Purple grinned at his partner.

"And who is this human Zim likes in this way?" Red asked sneakily. Purple rubbed his claws together and stuffed a Space Taco in his mouth. GIR grinned.

"I'll tell you if you give me tacoooos!" he bargained.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. We'll give you tacos," Red lied, and GIR whooped slightly.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!"

"Only if your sister stays away from me!"

"'Er name's Gaz!" GIR yelled, "She's Dib's bruvver! I mean sister! They live with the famous sciency guy. I like his shoooow."

"Thank you, Zim's robot junk heap," Purple acknowledged, "Your tacos will not be sent shortly."

"YAAAAAAY! Wait-" GIR cried, and zoomed up to Zim.

"Don't you give me that, my skin is superior - hey, GIR! What is it? I'm pointlessly arguing here! Do not interrupt me!" Zim cried at GIR, who was pulling on his boot.

"Zimmy Zim Zoom!" GIR wailed, "The naughty Tallest peeeeeeeeeple are stealing your friend! AND THEY NOOOOO GIVE ME MY TAAAACCCOOOOOSSSSSS!"

"What?" Zim snapped, looking up at the screen, "What are you talking - AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!"

Zim and Dib looked at the screen wall with open jaws at the sight of Dib's house on the screen. The doorbell rang, and an Irken dressed up in a long brown coat stood on the outside of the house. Gaz answered, and he grabbed her.

"Hey, what are you - LET GO OF ME!" she yelled, and managed to fight him off, but she was caught eventually and beamed away.

"GAZ!" Dib cried out, and a picture of the Almighty Tallest came on screen again.

"You see, Zim?" Red grinned, "Your friend has been transported to Planet Moriara where we are staying just now. We will give you more information, but just now we need to settle accommodations. She may be with us some time."

The screen buzzed and went black.

Dib looked at Zim dreadingly, his jaw practically dropped the ground.

Zim met his eye with horror.

"Oopsie," GIR said, grinning.

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A/N : WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO! That was a worst naughty scenario alright man! That was fun to write. Didst thou liketh?

Nextium uppium : Dib and Zim are forced to join forces (again) to save Gaz and they set out on their way to Planet Moriara. Will the Tallest manage to convince Zim to divert the mission? How will they get out of the room?

Will GIR regurgitate the key?

Will the Computer be bothered to help?

Will Dib devise some clever scheme to escape the evil of the - uh - room?

Or will Zim just blow the place to pieces?

What do you think?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

Review.

Invader Jed out!