Reality Check

By Rowe

Thankyou to my lovely betas, Sorrow Reminisce and Jens Enigma.

All my fics are also posted at The Broken World and Gumboot Mafia. These are where you will find my NC17 chapters and are the places I first update.

Chapter 6: Till the darkness overwhelms

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Miami had been a welcome refuge for a little while but once again he was fast descending into his own private hell. The world wanted things from him that he wasn't sure that he could provide; sanity and self-control. He was a killer, he was a hunter, he was a soldier of the Blue lady. He needed to prove himself once again, to be judged deserving of her love. His eyes took in only the weak and unworthy that surrounded him. He needed someone who he could replenish her strength with, an appropriate victim and credible prey to hunt. They would be his gift to her, to help her grow strong. Shaking his head, Ben realised somehow that it was all wrong, that his mind was not really operating in harsh reality. The internal conflict raged inside, his moral ambiguity, bred from years of Manticore indoctrination told him killing was right, it was what he was bred to be but his exposure to the world outside of those walls had clouded his ethical beliefs. He felt so lost for a moment. There were already too many things that contradicted what he had been taught. Then with cold clarity his mind focused back on his mission; he was the Blue Lady's chief executioner, now his duty was to hunt and gather offerings for her. His faith and his duty settled his mind. No longer did doubts plague him as he turned into 493, the transgenic predator.

It was in his makeup. To feel the exhilaration of the hunt, like a drug that was incredibly addictive. The pumping adrenalin of that childhood chase was still fresh in his mind. The attack of that nomolie; it had brought surging to the surface what he was inside of this human looking body. The primal needs were satisfied for the first time. It had allowed him to truly be what he was made to be. Now he killed for her and he enjoyed doing it. Deep inside he suppressed the doubts as to how right that was. He warred against the guilt he felt, that was just a useless and weak human emotion.

The streets were different at night. He had the advantage, the darkness did not hamper him for he could call on his enhanced senses to help him hunt. Like a sleek black panther he prowled, sampling the air looking at each person as he passed till he could see the fear in their eyes. The fear was what saved them. He wanted only the fearless for they were strong. Ben's hazel eyes fixed on a likely candidate and he began to subtly stalk his chosen quarry. Waiting for the opportunity to present itself to pounce, he followed undetected. He could be patient.

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Trying to divert her attention and to ease himself out of a situation he did not feel in control of, 494 moved away from her and started to swim. The intensity of the moment had been frightening, it had aroused doubts which were something he had seldom had to deal with before. He tried to keep his distance as she playfully splashed him. Keeping his emotions masked he splashed her in return; playing was something he had never had the opportunity as a child to experience. Fun, he was having fun and it felt somehow wrong to be doing this, enjoying his time with her. He knew this would all end badly but she was drawing him back into her arms as she wound them around his neck. Worst thing was, all he wanted to do was hold her too.

She wanted to spend more time together, it was obvious but he tried to keep his distance. His added closeness would eventually give him the access he needed to get her father's computer and download the files for Manticore to peruse. It would only be a matter of time before the mission became more deadly. He had heard enough and seen enough to realise that Berrisford thought he was doing the right thing. He was a good man; a devoted father. Yet, hard as he tried, 494 just couldn't stay away from her, or maintain professional distance. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep his mind on the job. The time he spent with her just increased his confusion.

He knew he needed to get the information on what Berrisford knew, the computer was in a wing of the house he hadn't yet explored with Rachel. Taking the opportunity when it presented itself to him, he moved stealthily through the house and into the office. Quickly hacking through the password and encryption he accessed the files he needed, inserting the disk he started to copy and erased any evidence of his being there. He had just about completed the download when he heard someone approaching. Seeing it was Rachel, he grabbed the disk and moved forward to intercept her.

As she approached him he knew he needed to distract her. He gave her a feeble excuse for his being in there, flattered her a bit. He could still see the doubts and he knew he would need to take it further. Using their intimacy he cupped his hand around her cheek. The kiss began as sweet but he found he wanted more. He deepened it, needing to feed off her vitality to make him feel like he was more than a hollow shell with a stolen name. She pulled back a little startled by the intensity of his kiss.

With whispered words she shattered his world. "I love you." The shaking was involuntary. He couldn't have controlled it if he had tried. She was concerned but he could never tell her that she had just unlocked a part of him that had never seen the light. To be loved and feel love. So new and so intoxicating, and he also realised so very, very bad for all of their futures.

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He couldn't take much more, he could feel his grip on sanity being torn away. His faith, what could it do for him? He sought peace but received none. Now his waking hours were plagued by doubts about the terror of his sleeping ones. There was no one who he could turn to who would not look at him in horror. So inside he struggled with his turmoil, so very alone.

The world outside was too overwhelming now. He could smell and see things that he had never ever noticed before. It was making him feel like a circus freak. Something was so very wrong with him. The horror of knowing that something was going to happen but having done nothing, haunted him. All those dead bodies in the market, their blood was on his hands. The blood of people he had chosen not to save. He felt the guilt drowning him.

He started a bit as the phone rang shrilly disrupting his attempt at peaceful contemplation. It was his mother, he could hear the concern for him in her voice. Trying to reassure her that he was fine, she finally got him to agree to coming out to their home for lunch. He wanted to see them badly, but he felt so much turmoil and guilt about what he was going through. He didn't want to have to lie to them again, tell them nothing was wrong when he knew they could see through him. Cain admitted to himself that his parent's call was a possible a chance to work through his confusion. He knew he would need to let them know some of what he was experiencing, but the dreams, they didn't need to know about those.

In the end his parent's call was too late to save him from his demons. As the sector police entered the church, Cain felt something sparked to life inside of him; adrenalin surged. For the briefiest of instances he felt his instincts jump into hyperawareness. The urge to flee was strong, as was the one to fight. Normally a passive and gentle man he managed to subdue these but feared them and their source. He was almost relieved as they led him away for questioning. He knew that he was innocent. For the time being he had committed no crime but those perceived by his imagination. They would hold him for a while. In this Post-pulse world things worked slowly. While they were holding him he could relax. For then he knew he could do no one any damage behind bars.

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They had been too slow. This predicament complicated things no end. The sector police had managed to intercept 495 before he had a chance to reach the pick up point. Any attempt to try and gain Cain's release was going to be difficult due to damning fact of his identical DNA to Ben's. Lydecker knew that the forensic evidence would prove 495 guilty. His team had cleaned up most of the debris but surely they were some things they left behind. Damn Ben for starting this all. It was going to bring things to Cain's attention that he wasn't yet ready to know. He hadn't been prepared yet.

Deck was pacing. He needed a solution fast. There was always the use of his government power. It would call a lot of attention, him pulling rank. It always aroused someone's curiosity or suspicion. However, it was a good way to classify anything they knew, to hush it up while regaining custody of Manticore property. He wanted to meet this boy, the reports could never encompass the emotional response of the subject. If they went through official channels 495 would come more quietly, be less traumatised. Psyops could then work more constructively with him. Maybe even gain a clue as to what was going on the mind of the rogue X5.

He smiled wryly when he thought of how this boy would be subjected to things that would push the envelope of his sanity. Hopefully 495 would be strong enough to endure the mind probes and indoctrination. He didn't need him psychotic too. For 495, his former life was now lost to him forever.