Doom Witch

Author's Note : GOOOOOSE! Back from holiday with lots and lots of new chapters for yeeeew! You know I just watched 'A Room With A Moose' it is probably one of the most bizarre episodes. Man that moose is scary, don't you think? And the way it eats those walnuts . . . eerp! Meep, even! MEEP, I TELL YOU!

*gasps for breath*

Okay . . . I'm fine. Just . . . kill Herb Scannell for me, okay? Pretty please? I'm so tired of those damn Rugrats *shivers* and the Wild Thornberries *shivers again* Bring back ZIIIIIM! Please? Pretty please? It's the only decent show we have! Except the League of Gentlemen, but it's not as good as Zim (SORRY REESE!) Okay, you have to see the L of G, it ROCKS!

Anyway, yup, I am the author of this story and you are the . . . victims I mean . . . readers . . . of this very sensible and realistic story about . . . gorgonzola, a popular type of cheese. Well, my granda likes it. And all the preppy people say "GORGONZOLA!" instead of "CHEESE!" when posing for a camera which is just so damn witty, don'tcha think? I mean WOW a specific type of cheese? HOW FUNNY IS THAT?! Just . . . kill the preps . . . I've become a bitter nasty person (like Scott hee hee) oh hang on I always was jeez this is long okay dokey I'll change the author's note bit to Author's Essay hee hee okay getting bored talking about nothing so I'll talk about NIRVANA!

No, I won't. Bad Julz. BAD!

Awww. I miss Kurt Cobain! _THREE YEARS LATER

Leaving Devastis after three hard years of intense training was the thing Invader Jed had been most anticipating. Finally, she would meet with the Almighty Tallest on board the great Massive, and the Armada would give her a ship, probably a Voot Cruiser. Then she would be off with her trusty Standard Information Retrieval Unit (oh my God I'm sad I didn't have to look that up! Sorry, I really have to stop interrupting . . . NOW!) and be off on her roughly six month journey to Earth, where the assassination of Invader Zim and her sister's mission would be completed.

Finally, this was it. The moment she had been waiting for, ever since her sister told her about the great Invaders. Tak had strived to become one and had failed due to Zim, but she, the slightly smaller and supposedly weaker Jed had become one of the elite soldiers loyal to the Almighty Tallest, kind of like the SAS. But . . . not.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Hang on, how can Jed and Tak be sisters? Aren't Irkens grown?" and if you're not thinking that, you're bad and silly. Naughty you. But if you're a good girl or boy, then you'd be asking: "How can Tak and Jed be sisters? Aren't Irkens made and not born?" Well, you clever bunnies, the answer to that is that once every so often, two Irken cells are put in the same pod by mistake, and share the same or similar genetic information. Like twins, or the Irken term, Geminis. Yeah, like after the star sign. Now, after that point of information, back to the story -WOOSH!--)

In the SISTC, (the Standard Inter Space Taxi Cab) Jed looked back and said a silent goodbye to the bustling planet that had been her home and training base for the past three years. The Almighty Tallest had made extra sure that she hated Zim, and she never questioned it as she was really one of the brainwashed zombies that did exactly what the Tallest said, but also because she had reason to hate Zim. He had cheated her sister Tak twice, once when he had trapped her inside the failed training capsule when half the electricity had gone down on Devastis fifty-three years ago, and she may have been able to forgive that, but her revenge-seeking sister had indeed sought out Zim, and he had once again (after a bit more struggle and less snacking) defied her.

This made Tak and Zim enemies, and since Jed and Tak were literally two peas in a pod, for Jed this was so much more than a mission, but a chance for revenge on behalf of her ashamed sister, hiding somewhere on the Irken civilian planet Moriara (we know that planet don't we folks!). Maybe once or twice Jed had wondered why the Almighty Tallest really hated Zim so much, he wasn't doing any harm on Earth (which he was supposed to be doing) so why not leave him to serve exile there? Did Zim know something that the leaders didn't want revealed, or did they just want the guy dead coz he was short?

Jed didn't know, and didn't care, because she was going to kill him anyway.

As the stars zoomed past, Jed ignored the conversation the SISTC driver was trying to make, and continued to ignore the conversation he started to have with himself after a while. Jed had no time for morons, except morons she had been ordered to kill.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

That moron (Zim, for all you slow people ^_^) was humming along to Nirvana while he and GIR were having their Monday morning clean of the house. Zim had his germ goggles, but wasn't quite as paranoid about them nowadays since the whole meat-fusing-to-flesh-and-nearly-going-blind-when-it-invaded- his-eye-sockets scenario, but just for safety's sake, he didn't want the horrible, stinking DIRT getting everywhere.

"That ought to do it, GIR," Zim said, throwing his Marigold Rubber Gloves into the bin, remembering that it was a passage to his secret lair. He made a mental note to tell GIR to eat them, but the crazy robot would probably do that by itself anyway, "GIR! I said, enough!"

GIR was zooming around in his dog costume in time to the music with two yellow frothy sponges like a disturbing ice skater. He was screeching the words to "Come As You Are" which was playing thanks to the Computer's sources, and it was ruining Kurt Cobain's singing for Zim, who liked his 'Nirvana Time' very much. He caught GIR by his antenna while he was sliding past and picked him up, snapped the elastic bands holding the sponges on GIR's feet and put them in the bin too. He made another mental note, similar to the one he had made a couple of minutes ago.

"Awww!" GIR moaned, and Kurt Cobain's rough but heavenly tones soared through Zim's invisible ears once more, "I likied it!"

Zim scowled at his minion and took his germ spotting goggles off, placing them on top of the kitchen counter.

"Next Mondee, GIR," he promised, and GIR looked happy, despite it being a week away, "Now, what ARE we going to do today? It's not Wednelsdee yet, we can't contact the Tallest and the Toaster plan is going according to schedule . . . so what can we do?"

"PIZZA!" GIR screamed, and Zim jumped back a bit, as he had really been speaking to himself more than GIR, and had forgotten he was there. Zim opened his mouth to disagree; it was not a good idea for GIR to have pizza mid-morning, it made him sleepy . . . so Zim would have the rest of the day to himself. After tolerating GIR's disgusting restaurant antics, he would be a little windy for a while but then fall asleep, and he, Zim, could have some decent Irken food and drink while looking at the progressive data on the Toaster plan in his base. Yes, it would be the perfect afternoon.

Zim nodded, and put on his disguise. GIR, who already had his disguise on, was waiting at the door, scratching and whimpering like a real dog. Zim grinned at GIR, glad of his small progress, but with GIR involved, at least it was progress. As long as the tin gadget didn't start urinating, he could progress all he liked.

"Oopsie!" GIR exclaimed suddenly, and yanked Zim back in the house by the lead, "I forgotta marmalade!"

"GIR!" Zim yelled, "GIR! Human dog monsters do NOT return to the house for marmalade! That's bad, GIR! You're bad!"

GIR looked sad, and put the whole jar of marmalade in his mouth (Mmyep, he ate the jar too), then pulled on the lead, so Zim closed the door so followed his little dog down the path, past the gnomes, past the blowfish, flamingos and his ironic I LOVE EARTH flag, past the fence, past the pavement, onto the road . . .

"GIR!" Zim cried, "Back on the pavement! Immediately! Immediately!"

"Aw man!" GIR moaned, "Now?"

"YES!"

"Ooookkkie doookkkeee!"

GIR whizzed off the road and smashed back into the fence and fell backwards, dazed. Zim took his free hand and put it to his forehead dramatically, shaking his head and screwing his eyes closed.

"I am sane. My robot is sane. Everything is sane and my evil ploy to destroy the world is well underway. I am sane. My robot is sane . . . " he muttered this to himself all the way to the Bloaty's Pizza Hog restaurant, and he only stopped there because he spotted Gaz, Dib and Professor Membrane in a booth, having their annual meal together. "What are the odds of that, eh GIR?" Zim mumbled under his breath to the green dog, who shrugged and led his master to their usual booth, right next to the Membranes' one.

"No! No, GIR. Over here . . . " Zim shook the lead, but the dog, with freakish strength, dragged the Irken over to the regular booth, to which GIR was very particular. Really not wanting to sit there, but not wanting to draw attention to himself by enduring a GIR tantrum in the middle of a restaurant, he yielded and he slumped in the seat.

Professor Membrane turned around to speak to Zim, and said cheerfully, "Hello little green midget man! I haven't seen you for a while! How are your terrible facial warts? Like toads they were! Terrible! You should try hand puppets, you know! Read my book: Hand Puppeteering IS a Science, by P. Membrane!"

After that little advertisement, the Professor turned around again, leaving Zim looking very confused. When had he had terrible toad-like facial warts? Sure he had had a molt and Pistulio(which had both exploded), but never facial warts. How would hand puppets help him if he did, and how, in heaven's name, was it a science? Zim wasn't going to even ask if the 'P' stood for Professor as he already knew what the answer would be.

"Stupid slimy Earth personage," Zim murmured under his breath, eyes narrowed, "Like toads themselves, they are. Slimy. SLIIIMMYYY!"

GIR leaned across the table with an embarrassed expression on his face, "Master! People are looooookin at yoooouu!" Then he flew across the table and embraced Zim's head, so he couldn't see or breathe or anything, "I'LL SAVE YOU! MAH HEEEERRROOOOOO!"

Zim tore the humiliating minion disguised lamely as a canine and threw him into the back of the booth, then grabbed him again and walloped him off the table.

"YAAAAAAY!" GIR screamed, "THAT HURTS!"

"I won't tell you again, GIR!" Zim said, quieter now, and the people that had been staring, including Dib, looked away, except Dib, who always insanely obsessively stalked Zim, "We have to keep a low profile! Now shut up and order your pizza!"

The waitress was standing expectantly, tapping her foot. GIR turned his very limited attention to her.

"I wanna pizza!" GIR shrieked.

"I got that, you came into our PIZZA restaurant," the young acne-infested delinquent pointed out, and GIR looked confused.

"Ohhhhh . . . can I get a taco?" he asked.

"No, this is a pizza restaurant," she replied, insanely nastily.

"Can I get one?" GIR asked.

"Yes."

"Okay!"

There was a moment's silence, and despite the waitress' glares, GIR didn't say anything. Zim waved for his minion's attention, glad that no one on this planet found a talking dog weird, except stereotyped farmers.

"GIR," he said, "You were here last Thursdee. You know what to do. You order what KIND of pizza you want."

"Ooooohhhhh yeaaahhh!" GIR remembered, but didn't say anything after that. Zim sighed and looked to the waitress.

"Just get him a large pizza with everything on it," he dismissed, and GIR clapped. The waitress wrote it down, and Zim noticed something about the waitress that struck him with horror.

"What drinks d'you want wi' that?" she asked impatiently, and GIR told her he would like a bubblegum squishee, and half-way through writing that down and walking away, Zim interrupted her.

"WAAAAAAAIIIT!" he yelled dramatically, and she turned around wearily, looking at him with her eyebrow raised, asking him what it was. He answered obligingly, "Are you chewing . . . GUM?"

The waitress raised the other eyebrow and wiped her smock with her notepad. She shrugged and chewed it conspicuously. "Yesh," she said, and blew a bubble to annoy him. When it burst, Zim screamed.

"BEGONE WITH YOU, FOUL GUM CHEWER!" he cried, "Deliver the pizza then flee from the life of me until I control your brain, if it hasn't already been ridden with the evil power of . . . THE GUM!"

The waitress walked off, and Zim sat back, panting slightly. GIR patted him comfortingly, and Zim nodded. Dib leaned over the booth and looked down on them. Zim rolled his eyes and scowled, which hurt because the lenses went all funny with all the eye movement Zim was doing.

"Hey, ALIEN!" Dib sneered nastily, "Ummm . . . ha! You're an alien!"

Zim shook his head and waited for Dib to give up and go back to his pizza. The Membrane family left soon after and Gaz and Zim's eyes met for a split second, before both looked away. Neither had spoken to each other for the past three years, and if Zim cared he might have made an attempt to speak to her. Now it was just awkward silences and tumbleweed moments, with the occasional very brief eye contact. Not that Zim cared.

He hadn't been up to nothing for the past three years, and he hadn't spent his whole time doing the stupid Toaster plan either, he had been working on ways to make himself look a little more ingeniously human. He had created a formula, which allowed him to grow in height a little bit each year, which the male of the human species went through a thing called "puberty". Zim would still be considered small by the Tallest, so don't get excited, but he was a little taller, a couple of inches short of Dib, who was pretty small anyway.

The waitress came back, her mouth wisely emptied, and put the obviously spat in pizza in front of GIR, who began guzzling it immediately. Zim looked at the waitress knowingly, his eyes steady with an expression that clearly stated: "I know you have expectorated in my small dog's Italian dish."

"Mastadidjaseemamarmalade?" GIR slurred, translating to "Master, did you perchance happen to observe my delicious jam additive known as marmalade?"

Zim reminded GIR that he had earlier eaten said marmalade, and the little dog looked a little disappointed himself, so emptied his leg full of tuna onto the pizza and began devouring the rounded popular food.

"Ilikadapizza!" GIR screeched, once the plate had been cleared (after about twelvety seconds), which translates to "Oh thank you my kind master for such a delicious treat which was greatly enjoyable to my robotic insides, and if I was a proper robot I would explode because of my consumption of these foods. Please, allow me to pay for this snack and would you be kind enough to please pass me a napkin?"

Yeah, okay, that wasn't a very accurate translation. GIR basically said he liked it, okay?

Jeez . . .

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It hadn't taken long at all to make young Jed hate Zim's intestinal guts. What with her sister Tak's previous conflict with the Invader, she was almost too happy to take up the assassination mission and her sister's evil snack plan, by sucking out the magma in the Earth's core and replacing it with assorted snacks.

"I just really like that idea!" Purple confessed to her when she finally reached the Massive, floating about seven months east of Planet Earth.

"And, your sister was a dedicated almost-Invader, so it's only right that her sister carry on the task with the required equipment of course. Here," Red said, handing her a small pointed object, almost like a small drill, "is a house building device. You'll have seen them advertised on TV, right?"

"Yeah . . . If you're bored and not insured then "Driiiill a House, Driiiill a House . . . " Purple sang the popular theme song to the advert for "Drill a House" (all rights reserved, batteries not included), and looked like he could go on for a while. Red hit him over the head with a Shoe Taco, which wouldn't really hurt, but the leader got the picture.

"Anyway. You're Voot Runner is in the ship bay. Your SIR unit will show you. You can give it a name and . . . " Red handed her an instruction manual, "Choose a disguise for it, and yourself. How to do so is in there." He nodded at the large book, "You'll have plenty of time to read it on the way to Earth. Now I take it your I.D. Pak is in working order?"

Jed nodded, "Yes sirs. I had it tested just before I left Devastis." She held out her hand to receive her SIR unit. It appeared in the shape of a bucket and folded out into a robot, and saluted her, a little floppily. She looked at it suspiciously, then let it lead her off (after she saluted the Tallest of course) to the left, then after a while Red and Purple saw them walking past in the opposite direction, Jed looking distinctly pissed off at the robot.

"Have a nice trip!" Purple cried, and waved a handkerchief. Red snatched it off him and glared. "What?" his violet-eyed comrade asked innocently, "Wha- at?"

"I TOLD you to make sure she got a decent SIR Unit! That one looks wonky!" Red yelled.

"It's nothing like Zim's piece of junk . . . " Purple optimised.

"I - don't - care! What I do care about is that Zim is gone properly! We can't risk a malfunctioning SIR ruining everything! We'll just chase after her and uh . . . " Red trailed off as Purple pointed out the red and black Voot Cruiser speeding off into the distance, " . . . damn."

"Hee hee. Well, um, Red, she looks like she can manage, and it only malfunctions SOMETIMES, I made sure of that!" Purple laughed cheerfully.

"Wait . . . what? Wait a minute, you did this on PURPOSE?" Red freaked, "Oh my GOD, and I was just beginning to PITY you! You know, I might have let you off before, but I now have no choice but to hit you over the head with this taco again!"

"NOOOO!" Purple pleaded, "Please, Red. I've learnt my lesson! I just thought it would be fun to see if she could handle a little resistance from her own side!"

Red's angry eyes shone compassionately and if you looked closely you could see a twinkle. He lowered the taco and it dropped to the ground dramatically, helped his cowering friend up and they hugged tight.

"I hate you, Purp!" Red sobbed.

"I love you too - HEY!"

"What?"

"DON'T CALL ME PURP!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After a somewhat eventful annual outing with their father, Gaz and Dib both stormed into the house in moods. Gaz was in the mood because she always got touchy when she saw Zim, even after three years since he told her ever so nicely to go away. Dib, however, was annoyed at his father because he wouldn't give the young paranormal investigator permission to go on the Swollen Eyeball field trip to a Bigfoot sighting spot.

"But dad, this is really important to me!" Dib yelled to his father, not giving up that easily. Now he was a teenager he found that he was listened to even less so he had to shout louder and for longer before the message got through, "And it'll be really educational! It's just a weekend! PLEASE, dad!"

"Not now, my son, please!" Professor Membrane dismissed, real cheesily like. Dib kicked the table and the Professor Membrane - shaped lamp toppled over, and the Professor dropped his hand puppet and jumped forward as if in slow motion, yelling, "Nooooooo!" Dib stepped back a little and even Gaz paused her GameSlave. The crap father grasped the lamp just before it landed to it's carpety doom . . . and he ordered Dib up to his room.

"FINE!" Dib yelled, "Just . . . FINE! My room's much more interesting than this . . . room!"

Professor Membrane gasped and broke down into sobs. Gaz rolled her early- teenagerish eyes and wandered off, unpausing her GameSlave.

Dib lay on the roof playing with his transmission stuff like he normally did on a Monday night, after he figured his father would have forgotten he was to stay in his room. There were no signals whatsoever, but Dib swiveled the satellite around anyway, hoping to pick up something.

While he was atop the roof, admittedly bored, Dib thought about how his obsessive monitoring the alien hadn't really paid off in the last three-and- a-bit years. If there was somehow a way to get into his base like he had once managed (and got caught) then there was a possibility he could hack into Zim's computer and steal some files. The thing was, Zim had such high security, he would have to find a weakness, and he didn't know that. He would like to be able to use blackmail, but there was nothing Zim really cared about that he would give up files.

Dib had since given up on his cage plan, deciding it wasn't an original masterplan anymore as the Almighty Tallest had used a similar method, but was keen on the blackmail idea, but since Zim and Gaz didn't speak any more, the idea of kidnapping his own sister seemed useless. Dib wondered what had happened between his terrifying sister and the alien -ahem- menace that was Invader Zim. But after Zim had just saved her life, wouldn't even Gaz speak to him after that, because she had liked Zim before too. It was all so confusing, which was the reason Dib didn't have a girlfriend. Okay, so the fact that he was considered a freak by all in high skool was the reason he didn't have a girlfriend, but that wasn't the point!

Dib looked at the back of his wrist at his watch and stood up.

"Damn," he said, looking out at the misty dark horizon, "I'm late for stalking Zim!" He began to rush to the ladder, until his transmitter began to beep.

"Huh?" Dib started, and hurtled back to the satellite machine, looking at its reading. Something was coming through the speakers, on the little screen was a bunch of co-ordinates. Dib hurriedly switched off the scanner so the satellite stayed in one spot. He could hear voices . . . the voices he now recognised as the Almighty Tallest.

"How long did it take Zim to get to Earth? We were hovering over Conventia then, won't it take longer now? I want him dead NOW!" the higher pitched one moaned. Dib remembered vaguely that Purple had the higher pitched tone, and his comrade had the more professional character.

"She'll get there when she gets there, but I think it'll be roughly the same time if I'm being honest, Purp." The calmer voice said.

"Stop calling me that!" Purple said impatiently, "You know I hate it! I just . . . it's nearly Earth's Wednelsdee, isn't it, and Zim's transmissions just scare me! Why can't we just destroy the planet and him with it?"

Dib couldn't hear it and couldn't be sure, but he could be certain that this was a "DUH!" moment.

"Because, imbecile, we've already sent Invader Jed over there, and she's going to fulfill her sister's evil snack plan!" Red snapped, and some bad reception could be heard, but Dib soon realised it was one of the leaders slurping juice loudly. Once the drinker pulled away he smacked his lips and inhaled deeply.

"Ohhh yeah! I loved that idea! Remember, Red, remember how much I loved that idea, Red, Red, do you remember?" Purple asked irritably, and Dib heard the more sensible snack obsessed ruler tutting.

"Yes, I remember," he heard Red say through gritted teeth, "But it won't be long. Our transmissions to Zim these next few months will be our last to that idiot, thank God. He must be the biggest idiot . . . "

"Do you remember? Do you? Do you really? Red? Are you listening to me? Red? Do you remember?"

"Okay maybe second biggest idiot," Red decided, "Do I remember what, Purple?"

"I . . . can't remember! Isn't that funny, Red? Huh, huh? Isn't that-"

The transmission cut suddenly, and Dib realised he had accidentally leant on the switch that turned the satellite on scan again, and he lost the signal.

"NO!" Dib yelled, "No, no! Come on . . . "

He fiddled with the receiver, struggling to get it back into position. He gave up after a while and sat back on his hunches, trying to believe what he had heard. It was enough to enhance his greatest fears.

"They're coming again . . . " he whispered to himself.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

A/N: WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! It is warming up now, no? You will like it, it is warm! Review and let me know what you think! Don't worry about the new character Jed she won't be an annoying character you don't like, well I hope not because I gave her my name!

Anyway, the next chapter is called "They're coming again!" quite coincidentally as it is the last line in this chapter . . . MAHA! Moo. The majority of this chapter will be from Dib's POV (YAAAY! I love Dib! *hugs Dib*) but at the end it will kind of be both Zim and Dib, I won't tell you why they meet up! (YAAAAY! Zim and Dib! *hugs Zim and Dib*)

MEEP! I'm evil! I may fit in a little Professor Membrane! YAAAY I love him he rocks! There may be a little bit of Gaz but I'm minimising her part for the next couple of chapters so the impact will be greater later on SHUT UP JULZ YOU'RE SPOILING IT!

Awwww . . . Okay . . . so . . . wait for the next chapter like patient people, shouldn't be too long because I lost my Writer's Block at long last and I am on a big ROLL! Well, I prefer sandwiches, really . . . with CHICKEN! And lettuce and cucumber . . . AND MAYONNAISE!

Wow, I'm hungry now . . . but dammit look at the time!

Sleepy time!

Review!

Zzzzzzzzzz . . .

"Don't try to fix me I'm not broken, hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide don't cry," - Hello, Evanescence.