Doom Witch

Author's Note : Heyyyyyyyyyyyy dudes and dudettes! Yeah . . . cheese. I don't really like it much, but Orkney Mild Cheddar is really very nice cheese. Do you people even know where Orkney is? DO YOU? It's in Scotland! Which is not a place in England Scotland is a separate country, just in the U.K. Yeah it's stupid but I don't like Tony Blair. Hey I don't like politics! BAD POLITICS! NOOOOOOO!

Did you know Scotland used to be called Caledonia? Did yooou? I live in Dundee. There seems to be a Dundee everywhere, doesn't there, dammit? Australia, Florida, South Africa . . . SCOTLAND! Hee. Anyway, enough geography, which is bad too. Bad, bad naughty geography. Okays . . . ON WITH THE STORY! If you can't remember what happened in the last chapter . . . read it again!

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- Chapter Nineteen - Two Insane Irkens -

Dib followed Gaz downstairs to breakfast the next morning wearily. He was weary for several reasons. One being that he was going to have to confront Gaz at breakfast, two being that she would eat him up afterwards, three being that he had to walk to hi-skool with her (Gaz was in first year), four being that he had to go to skool, five being that he would have to sit next to Zim and possibly Jed, six being that he hated them, seven being that he now had two crazy foes to fight against. Dib no longer had the amount of passion he had once had for parascience, perhaps his father had in fact bored him out of it, or maybe it was Zim's annoying persistence.

He sat down at the table and his father plonked a plate of buttered toast in front of him, with a glass of milk beside it. Dib looked up at the professor, surprised. His father's eyes looked happy, and Dib imagined a cheesy grin was taking place, but Dib couldn't see. It looked like he had made up with his toaster anyway.

"Fresh from Nelly!" he exclaimed, "I made a little bit too much, so I thought you two might quite like some toast instead of all that bad, nutritious cereal you eat."

"I like cereal." Gaz growled, and Professor Membrane chuckled joyfully.

"Of course you do. You two eat up, now! Perhaps I'll invent a toast cereal! Yes!" Professor Membrane took his plate, stacked high with toast, and walked as briskly as he could to his lab. Dib was just imagining soggy toast pieces floating in milk, when Gaz threw a piece of toast at him. Dib looked up at her angrily.

"Hey!" he cried, "What's the big idea? I'm trying to . . . oh never mind. What is it?"

Gaz crossed her arms, then uncrossed them again to push away the toast and down her milk, then crossed her arms. She glared at Dib and inhaled, "I didn't need your help yesterday, Dib. I had it all under control."

Dib sighed, "Gaz, you and I know very well that that crazy newcomer would have killed you without blinking an eye. Stop lying to yourself, as well as to me. And I meant to ask you, why were you there, anyway?"

Suddenly it struck Gaz. Why had she gone there? She couldn't find a reason. "I . . . " she started, "I needed to speak to Zim, not that it's any of your business, stupid." She put a nasty emphasis on "stupid".

Dib narrowed his eyes, "Why did you need to get there so fast? And what did you need to talk to him about? You haven't spoken for four years almost!"

"Yeah well, things change. I just needed to ask him about whether his Voot Cruiser was . . . um . . . okay."

Dib stood up, pushing his chair back as he did so. He shrugged his shoulders at Gaz sadly, then walked off to get his skool bag. Gaz grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair and picked up her bag from under the table, and was gone before Dib returned with his things.

As Dib walked to skool, he wondered if the two Irkens had perhaps decided to call a permanent truce, as Zim had looked a little non-hostile towards Jed when he made her lower the gun. He had just looked at her and put his hand on her arm gently, and she put it down. Maybe now he would have two Irken Invaders to contend with, and Dib didn't know if he had the energy to.

Things didn't get better when he entered the classroom. A desk had been slit between Zim's desk and his desk, and in the middle sat Invader Jed, looking smug yet confused. She was in a disguise, but the eyes were still point through the contacts, as Tak's had been. Jed's disguise was better looking than Tak's had been, she had long jet black hair, as dark as his, and very clear blue eyes. She wouldn't be accepted into the preps fold, though; she looked different, despite her looking human. Dib knew that sounded stupid, but it was the only way he could explain it. She was no Zita.

"Now, class," Ms Bitters hissed, "I want you all to imagine for a couple of minutes that you are nice children. I want you all to welcome the latest addition to the smell factor in this disgusting classroom! Jed, come here now!"

Jed slid out of the seat and sidled past Zim, and Dib noticed her hand accidentally brush against Zim's back, who shivered. Dib sat motionless, watching him recover and watch Jed closely as she walked up to the front of the class to Ms Bitters, to whom she saluted.

"Class, this is Jed." Ms Bitters said, then turned to her, saying the thing that had once been said to Zim, "Now Jed, do you have anything to say? If you do, say it now, because I don't want to hear from you for the rest of the skool year! As there is a shortage of desk space, you will have to be seated between Dib and Zim, because they're always fighting and being annoying."

Jed blinked, and scanned the class, "So these are humans . . . " she murmured, then caught Zim's eye, who was making gestures like pulling his finger across his throat and gagging. She guessed this was to tell her to not say things that revealed her alienity, "Um . . . hi. I'm Jed. Don't speak to me." Then she returned to the back of the class and took her place.

Ms Bitters rubbed her creepy hands together. "Now, class, for a lesson on destruction and distress through the ages. Long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long ago there was lots of destruction and distress . . . Long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long ago there was still lots of destruction and distress . . . "

Dib settled himself in his chair, ready for another boring lesson. He saw Zim look to his left, at Jed, and she caught his eye. Their glance met and held for about ten seconds, before Zim coughed embarrassingly and lowered his eyes to the table. Dib couldn't believe it. Zim, embarrassed? Zim, who never lowered his eyes to anyone but met them with a steady glare? It occurred to Dib that Zim was in fact scared of losing his will to destroy Jed; he was losing his hatred of a rival Irken and didn't want to get close to her. Zim was going to have to kill her or she would kill him, and Zim didn't want it to have regret involved.

Zim, Dib realised, was a complex creature that either hid himself from things he didn't want, or destroyed them. Zim was too proud to hide so in most cases he annihilated his object of dissatisfaction. He was finding it difficult, or more difficult, to do the same to Jed. There was an inevitability to Jed and Zim's relationship that disheartened the young Irken male, as he knew he would have to kill Jed sooner or later. Still, Dib noticed a weak spot that Zim was developing for the invading Invader and made a mental note in his brain that if the two ever did join forces permanently, he could use this to his advantage.

But still, he hoped that it wouldn't come to that, and that one of them would kill the other. Even better, they killed each other, leaving Dib with no Irkens to deal with, but he knew that was very unlikely, knowing his damned luck. And he wasn't even sure he wanted it to be Zim who died instead of Jed now, obviously he wanted Zim dead, but Jed had threatened his sister, which had pissed him off. Anyway, he had a backup plan if the worst came to the worse and the two Irkens called a permanent truce, Dib could use Zim's vulnerable spot for Jed in aid to his cunning plan.

It was nearing the skool day, at last, and Dib noticed Zim occasionally glanced at Jed's face, her contact lenses translating the language of the humans (English, that is) so she could read. Her head was always buried in the text book, fascinated by the new learning techniques used on this unfamiliar planet. Zim watched her intensely, but a couple of times she looked up and he averted his eyes quickly. Dib was pretty sure that meant he didn't want her to notice he was looking at her. (Anyone gonna say "DUH!" here?)

" . . . And finally, there is still lots of destruction and distress, and there always will be. There is no hope for any of you, you are all doomed! Dooooomed - go home now." Ms Bitters ended the lesson, and the adolescents eagerly packed up and headed for the door. Just as Dib reached the door, a voice called him back, one he hadn't heard speaking to him directly for a long time. He whirled around to see Zita waving at him.

"Dib! Hang on a sec, can you help me?" she asked, and Dib walked tentatively towards the front right hand desk where Zita sat. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zim standing beside Jed as she received a long list of skool rules, then when she moved away from Ms Bitters she bumped into Zim, and they both looked down at the floor with a nervous laugh, then Jed walked out. Zim cast Dib a nasty look before he went out after her.

"Uhh . . . Dib?" Zita wove her hand in front of Dib's face, he had gotten distracted while the most popular and best looking girl in the year was asking him for help? Man, Dib felt like he was losing it!

"Um, yeah, sorry . . . uh . . . Zita," Dib blushed, and bent over to help her pick up her dropped skool books, "Do you want me to carry these for you?"

She nodded gratefully, "Thanks Dib. That's really cool of you." Dib had to restrain his jaw before it dropped to the ground in disbelief.

"No problem," he muttered, sounding like a complete dork. He scooped up the remaining book, a book on the incorrigible twat. Dib felt like an incorrigible twat at that moment, and he laughed to himself. When Zita gave him a funny look, he said, "Y'know, sometimes I wish I could fall through a hole into space to escape, but then you realise there's no air out there."

Zita gave Dib a funny look, then laughed nicely, "Ohmigod, did you read that in like, a book, or something? Cos that's just like . . . totally funny!"

Dib coughed a little and got a better grip on her books, "Where do you want me to put them?" he asked, signaling to the jotters and textbooks in his arms. Zita shrugged.

"Could you carry them to the door?" she asked sweetly, "My daddy's picking me up in like, his Dodge Viper, so like y'know, you can put them there."

They walked out to the car together, Dib speaking little, but Zita appeared to be flirting with him completely. The Dodge was a shiny black convertible and her dad was looking very cool. Dib wished his dad was cool and had a shiny black Dodge Viper convertible. He put the books in the boot (you Americans call it the trunk, eh?) and closed the door, opening a side door so Zita could climb in. She took his hand while she stepped in gracefully, and Dib looked at her perfectly manicured nails. She slipped her hand out of his and sat back, smiling at him.

"Like, thanks Dib, you're like, so totally like sweet!" she giggled, and Dib stood back as the car whizzed away, Zita's long lilac hair fluttering in the wind.

Dib let his jaw drop.

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Zim opened the door, and the roboparents welcomed the two Irkens. Jed walked past Zim huffily and grabbed MAX off of the couch, where he had been sitting with GIR watching the Scary Monkey Show, and flushed both of them down the toilet into the base. Zim panicked, thinking that maybe she was going to trash it all, so he grabbed GIR's metal hand and tried to drag him away, but the little tin man protested.

"NOOOO!" he screamed, "NOOO not while tha monkey's onn! I love the little monkeey . . . I love him gooood."

"That . . . vile monkey!" Zim spat, and turned off the T.V. This made GIR come easier, and they ran to the toilet, practically diving into it to get down to the same bay as Jed had gone, the communication deck. Zim wondered if she was going to cast a transmission to the Tallest, or just trash the place.

When they arrived down, Zim couldn't see Jed anywhere. He let go of GIR and ran out of the elevator in a panic.

"JED!" he yelled, "Jed-creature! What are you doing? Where are you?"

Zim ran full throttle towards the main viewing screen, where Jed was speaking to MAX in a hushed voice, so Zim couldn't hear when he saw her. He ran up to her, out of breath. She gave him a funny look, and Zim tried to catch the oxygen that he was sorry to share with the humans to depend on.

"What is it?" she snapped, and Zim raised himself to his full proud posture. She was ever so slightly smaller than Tak, and he was the same size as his old enemy now. If he met Tak again, she wouldn't be able to push him around like she had done last time.

"It's just . . . " he began, not quite knowing how to say it, "I felt like going for a little sprint around the communications bay, if you don't mind!"

She gave him a knowing look, and Zim exhaled in defeat.

"I wanted to make a transmission and was worried you might be on it for hours," he lied out of his ass. Jed shrugged and jumped out of the seat she was sitting in, brushing it before stepping away and ushering MAX away to play with GIR.

"No, I was just sitting down, because I was . . . uh, tired," she blushed when Zim caught her eye. She was out of her disguise now, her antennae curved round not quite as much as her sister's, her eyes not quite as menacingly piercing and vengeful. Zim peeled the wig off of his own head and popped the contact lenses out of his eyes, revealing the similar redness Jed wielded in her eyes. Their gaze met and held for half a minute, before GIR screeched at MAX randomly and the two robots had a pizza fight. Jed ran to break it up, and Zim kept his eyes on her. She looked back to him, and he cleared his throat nervously. Why on Earth was he nervous?

"Would you take the robotic thingies upstairs, Jed?" he asked, not sure whether to sound nice or nasty so kept an even balance, "I have to make a couple of transmissions."

Jed nodded, and herded the two giggling robots up the elevator, catching a last glimpse of Zim's back as he set the co-ordinates for the transmission to be placed. He had to make two calls, for different reasons. The first was to his Tallest; the second was for an old friend.

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Red was alone for once, relaxing in a room with no Purple, no eccentric transmission announcers, no Invaders, no responsibilities, and a lot of snacks to eat at his leisure. It was such a moment he often longed for in the busy Armada, where he could think and let his brain, that was so much nearer the sky than anyone else's. It was tough work being a Tallest, with only nineteen snack breaks a day, what with all the firing and the gambling and the pummeling and the sentencing to death and the checking on the Invaders and everything, it was hard work.

Especially working alongside Purple, but if he had to be working with anyone, then he would like it to be his indigo chum. Just as he thought this, his peace was interrupted as the Irken intercom unit spoke through the overhead speakers. The voiced-over transmission receiver guy yelled, "Iiincoming transmission frommmm Earth, Sir! The other Tallest is eeeeating, so told me to divert it to your screen in the luxury room! Permission to dooooo so, Sir?"

Red grumbled a yes, and prayed silently, "Don't let it be Zim. Let it be Jed, telling us what happened to Zim. Let him be dead, don't let it be Zim."

Of course, Zim's face flickered onto the screen, and the not-so-small-now Invader saluted the Red Almighty Tallest cheerfully.

"Hello, my Tallest!" he said, "I hope you are well!"

Red nodded wearily, "Zim . . . you're alive?" he whispered, "What about . . . I mean, um, what about, um, well, y'know, of course you're not dead . . . " Red could have thrown his snack across the room in his stupidity, but there was no way in Hell he would really do that to his beloved burrito. He fondled it lovingly, then looked up to Zim.

"You mean Invader Jed?" Zim asked, "She's staying with me temporarily, we called a truce as GIR ate her base construction device. Of course, um, I am planning on destroying her before that . . . as a matter of principle."

"You - she - hang on, you're LIVING together?" Red cried, "How could . . . Zim, what happened?"

Zim explained the whole thing, ending with his own thoughts, "Of course I didn't really think I'd die, my Tallest. But I don't understand how she even got here; I mean SIR Units are issued by the Tallest only, right? And she has one . . . it's slightly bad, like GIR, but less bad. I think she may have stolen that one from another Invader and had to bend its mind slightly so it would obey her only . . . I think, Sir, she is a Rogue Invader!" he cried dramatically, before noticing the Purple Almighty Tallest come in behind Red.

"Hey, Red, what's doin - AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHH!" Purple screamed like a girl when he saw Zim, who saluted accordingly. "Zim! What - wha . . . Red!"

"I'll explain later, Purp. Okay, Zim, just . . . urm . . . keep to your compromise, okay? Give Jed another chance to ki-um, live." Red tried, but Zim shook his head.

"She has sworn to assassinate me, My Tallest. She wants to kill me to avenge her sister, Tak? And then steal my mission! If she tries to do such a thing, I will have no choice but to destroy her." He replied.

"You two aren't . . . you and Jed aren't . . . y'know . . . it's just business, right?" Red checked, and Purple nearly screamed again when Zim blushed slightly, then shook his head vigorously.

"Noooo! Don't be silly, My Tallest. Now I must go, I have another transmission to make before my robot gets hungry." Zim spoke hurriedly, knowing full well Jed was upstairs with GIR, and though he didn't - ahem - care if she got hurt, it wasn't part of the compromise that Jed be eaten by his insane slavebot, "Zim out!"

"Yeah, yeah," Red waved weakly, and the screen signed off. Purple looked at him, his cool violet eyes popping out of their sockets and looking scared, so Red took a deep breath and started to explain. 'So much for privacy,' he thought miserably.

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Another Irken on another planet had too much privacy. She was on her own too much, she didn't even see Zenin very much any more, she was getting old and couldn't really be bothered to waddle over to her house, or to allow the younger, more lively female into her abode. So she was quite lonely nowadays and considered moving away, but the next in line to be sacrificed had to be on the same planet, and it had to be in the Irken Empire.

And since there was no way Zenin would agree to move, it looked like Fia was stuck where she was. From her garden, she heard the bleeping letting her know there was an incoming transmission for her. She sighed and put her lawnmower gadget down on the grass, going in to receive the call. She imagined it would be a civilian asking if Zenin was alright, or her brother Purple calling to check up on his little sister. It was neither, and Fia had to conceal a little gasp of surprise when she saw who it was.

The red eyes of her once best friend, the disgrace to the Irken Military, none other than Invader Zim were looking into hers. Her magenta eyes shone with memories and emotions, her voice caught half-way up her throat, speechless with shock at seeing him at long last.

"Zim!" she finally managed, after they had stared at each other for a long time, "It's been . . . "

"Too long, Fia," Zim said shortly, giving her a slight smile. Fia returned it, "I vaguely remember seeing you a few years ago, but I can't imagine why. The humans said something like I had lost my memory. No memory has the great me, Zim, of losing his memory!"

Fia swallowed, "Y-you don't remember?" she said weakly, "You don't remember being on Moriara? So you're - you're still an Invader?"

Zim laughed as if it were a stupid question, "Of course I am, silly one! I will forever remain faithful to my beloved Tallest! How lucky you are to be related to-"

"ZIM!" Fia yelled, unbelieving, "The Tallest . . . they want you dead, Zim! Their latest plan is to send another Invader to - "

"Jed? She is a Rogue Invader overcome with the downfall of her sister, Tak. She's after revenge and my mission, can you believe it? MY MISSION? No one steals Zim's mission . . . NO ONE!" Zim cried, his arms up in the air, dramatic as usual. Fia looked as if she was about to burst into tears, "Hey, hey, Fia? What's wrong? Fia?" Zim softened his intense tones, and Fia swallowed the burning sensation in her throat.

"Oh Zim . . . " she murmured, "There's no explaining to you, is there? You just won't accept that the Tallest want you dead, will you? You won't accept that they send this other Invader to assassinate you under their orders!"

Zim blinked at her angry eyes, "No," he said slowly, "I won't accept that, because it's not true! The Tallest sent me here as an Invader, they trusted I would bring this miserable planet to it's smoldering doom!"

Fia bowed her head, saddened. "You once believed me, Zim. You once trusted me above all others."

Zim saw her reach for the button on the side of the screen to cut the transmission, so he called out, "No, wait! Fia, I - " but it was too late. Disheartened, the Irken Invader neglected all possibilities that the Tallest wanted him dead and Fia was just lying because she was bored and wanted to cause trouble. She was jealous of him being an Invader. That was what he made himself believe.

With a heavy squeedly-spooch, he switched off the main screen and set the transmission sequence to divert, so he would get the messages on the viewing screen behind the picture in the house level. Suddenly, he heard Jed scream, and he could only imagine that GIR was now very hungry and murderous, so Zim hurtled forwards into the elevator, tripping over his own feet, demanded the Computer take him to the house deck, and he zoomed up, rolling out of the toilet and into the living room.

GIR had Jed's arm in his mouth, all the way up to her shoulder, and she was calling out for MAX, who was trying to pull GIR away from his master, and though the SIR Units were very strong, MAX knew full well that GIR could take Jed's arm with him if the advanced slavebot used its full strength.

Zim threw the SIR Unit away and banged GIR on the head with his fist angrily, Jed crying out in pain and anger words that are so naughty I should not dare to write them down! He hurtled once more into the kitchen and grabbed a packet of uncooked sausages, but he knew that wouldn't matter. GIR smelt them instantly.

"BRATWURST!" he squealed happily, and zoomed over, MAX following in curiosity. In his hurry, GIR knocked Zim forwards and he landed on top of Jed clumsily. Hastily he picked himself up, brushing himself down. He looked at Jed's arm, pretty messed up with all that sharp tin inside GIR's mouth. He took her other arm, holding her hand.

"Come on," he said quietly, not looking at her eyes, because she was watching him intensely, closer than he ever thought possible, "I'll take you to the hospital wing."

"Okay," she said, "MA-"

"No, leave the robot." Zim said, then saw the look in her eyes. "I'm not going to try to kill you."

Jed nodded reluctantly, and let him lead her to the elevator. He lifted her up into the toilet basin, and told the Computer to take them to the Hospital Bay, a floor he only used to either fix GIR or to clean on Mondees. He led Jed inside the white room , and helped her up onto the bed in the centre. Bringing a scan-healer over to her right side, the arm which was damaged, he leaned over her and slid her glove off expertly.

"Anyone would think you were a doctor," she joked, still looking into his eyes. He didn't say anything in reply, and rolled the rest of her sleeve up, revealing her tattered green skin. Already it had started to heal itself. Zim started from her shoulder and held it there as the healing rays started mending her arm. Jed sighed, and he glanced at her quickly, then looked away again, "Look, Zim, you didn't . . . you could have let your robot finish. You didn't have to help me . . . "

He was looking at her now, the healing contraption moving down, down her arm, his hand leading the way down like he was stroking her arm. His touch made her shiver, or was that his eyes boring into her? He blinked, and she blinked, and they moved closer and closer, Zim tilted his head to the right and she tilted hers. Just when their mouths were almost touching, Zim came to his senses and pulled back, accidentally brushing against her arm, making Jed flinch.

"Sorry," he mumbled, his eyes on her arm again. Her arm was fine down to her elbow now, but the rest of it would take a little longer as it was worse. "Jed, who sent you? To kill me, to take over my mission. Are you a Rogue Invader?"

Jed remembered to never say who had sent her, "I'm not at liberty to say, Zim. But I will kill you, I . . . have to."

"Why?"

"That's just the way things are."

"It's not your place to avenge Tak for her."

"It's not . . . it's not about that. Well, it is, but it's other things too. It's complicated Zim, and we promised we wouldn't get personal. It's business."

"So you'll feel nothing if you manage to kill me?" Zim challenged. Jed didn't say anything.

"I have a job to do, I have to keep my promise, no matter how much I . . . um . . . never mind." Jed stumbled, "The fact is that I have to kill you sooner or later, because we can't afford to get close, Zim. I can't afford to know or care about you. It's better if you hate me, like before."

"Why are you so sure you'll kill me?"

"Because I have to."

Zim laughed, finishing off her wrist and hovering the thing over her hand now, "You know, I could defeat you like a single raspberry in a duckpond, Jed. Remember the duckpond. I will, if it comes to it."

"It will come to it," Jed promised, "And I'm not going to say anything else on the matter. The Voot will be repaired soon enough and I can call for another Drill A House device, and you'll be . . . you'll be history."

Zim nodded, and neither of them said anything else until he sat back, returning the device, and said, "Okay. That's done."

Jed nodded, giving him the tiniest smile of gratefulness, then slipped off the bed and walked out, Zim watching her until she was out of sight.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

A/N : Awww, poor things. Poor, stupid, proud, silly little Irkens. What do you think will happen? If you have any ideas either leave them in a review or e-mail strange_deluded_one@hotmail.com, okay? OKAY? Zim was not quite as evil in this chapter, but heyyyy, we all know he's insane deep down.

Okay, not so deep down. Thanks to all my reviewers and I'll see ya next chapter, okies? WOO! Bonez, your story rocks! More than this one. Everyone who hasn't read Project 59, read it! It's in my favourite stories all you guys who are interested, okay? OKAY? I'm insane too, maybe. A little. Okay. A lot. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Next chapter will be an exciting one! The Tallest are getting impatient and contact Jed, telling her to get a move on. She's beginning to have her doubts. Gaz contemplates suicide and has a heart-to-puppet with her dad. Will be an amusing encounter. Dib eats a strange tasting pie, and Jed and Zim fight with consequences neither of them intended to happen . . .

"I want to sing, to sing my song. I want to live in a world where I belong." - Turn, Travis.

P.S. I greatly recommend Travis, they rock muchfully! If any of you guys have Kazaa or Grokster or whatever, just download a song or two. The best ones are: Turn, Sing, Why Does It Always Rain On Me, Flowers In The Window and Writing To Reach You. I don't know if you Americans or Aussies or whatever have heard of Travis cos they're a Scottish band but they're really good they've won Brits and stuff like last year they're great woo! Anyway . . . just download it, you won't regret!