Doom Witch
Author's Note: Thanks again to all people who reviewed. I love you all dearly. Woooooooo. Blue tacos, how much would they rock? They'd probably suck, actually, but you know, maybe one day blue tacos will take over, but then that'll probably be the day I stop twittering, which will be never, cos goddammit I'm gonna twitter in my grave or so help me. MNYAHA! I'm going off to watch Zim for inspiration then come back and write this comical chapter of doom (about time). And Dib fans, we have a very special day for you . . . Dib's date with Zita, the purple haired prep who sits behind Zim in the series. But not in this one . . . shut up me. Okay. WOO!
It's a very random chapter is this one. But anyway. Read, okay? Read. Why? Because you can, you cheeses.
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- Chapter Twenty-Three - The Truth About Chihuahuas -
Nothing was said in the morning; nothing needed to be said. It had all been done last night, and now both Jed and Zim realised that their time together was running out, they could never survive the brutal society they were in, it simply wouldn't work, and that broke their hearts, or whatever equivalent Irkens had for hearts, whether it be the squeedly-spooch or some other alien organ for as much as they could break. They both knew that it was a waiting game that would end almost certainly when Tak set foot on Earth again, if it had not ended before that. So to forget the gloom and to get on with conquering Earth, the two Invaders went out into the nearest human city to gather information on the random civilian in the street.
Jed had not yet been into the city so it was extremely new and almost frightening for her, considering she was so small compared to these humans that towered above the two Irkens with their dirty faces and surly expressions. Of course, they were in disguise, Zim was using his usual one for going into the city, and it was quite a funny sight of Zim, who had a stupid fake beard and an old tweed jacket on with a straw hat, a flower sticking out of it, and GIR, a small green dog with scary eyes and very obvious zips and stitching, compared to Jed and MAX. Jed, who was in her Goth disguise wearing a long black jacket and a dark, dark red top littered with safety pins and offensive badges with her so incredibly blue eyes and raven-like hair, and MAX a very well disguised tortoiseshell cat who looked like it was just very well groomed if a little speedy and sharper than a normal Earth feline.
It was funny sight, the two robots and the two disguised aliens walking along together, Zim and Jed occasionally holding hands but Jed would break away, remembering Gaz. After a while of walking Jed was tired of seeing all of these humans and they rested in a quiet spot in a park where GIR and MAX would chase the squirrels with sticks tittering happily. Jed and Zim sat apart on a long wooden bench, observing a hobo on another bench opposite the path they had previously been walking on.
Zim sighed at the silence between him and Jed. She looked at him with slightly annoyed, aware eyes. He looked back at her, his pride overtaking him now but he did so want her to come and speak to him freely without the need of awkward conversation. Zim saw small talk as a waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of perfectly good Nirvana or planning Earth's terrible and horrible doom time, or something else, but Zim would not tolerate small talk as much as he did not wish to be part of it. But that was all it looked like that Jed would yield to.
"Speak to me, Jed," Zim said as softly as his harsh voice would allow, "because I don't know how to speak to you without knowing for sure you don't hate my miserable guts."
A light smile swept over Jed's face and for an awful moment Zim thought she might start to cry again, but all she did was look at the ground, lifting her face up to look at GIR and MAX frolicking on the grass. GIR looked over at Zim and waved at him, skipping backwards and forwards in his not-very- good costume.
"Look master!" he squealed, "Ah'm a mongoose! Ah'm a . . . a squirrel! LOOK AT THE SQUIRREL, MAXY!" MAX turned to look at the grey squirrel GIR had pointed at, poised on a tree with an acorn in its grasp. MAX let out a happy little cry and followed GIR to try and coax it down with twigs lying around the tree the squirrel was in.
Zim was brought back to the scenario he was in with Jed, who was now looking at him intently which made him feel more than slightly uncomfortable. He looked back at her, eyes narrowed, but she didn't seem to mind. In fact, she gave a pretty little laugh that sounded nothing like the one she sometimes used which reminded Zim of Tak.
"Why are you laughing?" Zim demanded, angry because he was confused at whether he should be offended or whether he should laugh with her, "Tell me! Tell me now . . . "
Jed looked at him, a smile on her face, "I'm laughing . . . " she began, "because I love you, and you're a worthless swine and I know you don't love me, you love her! You love Gaz, don't you, so there is no reason why I should be with you, why you should tolerate me any longer, because you have succeeded in making her jealous to the point where she wants you back. And that's what you wanted, wasn't it, Zim? The whole plan all along was to be with her, never with me . . . never really with me. I was just a bit of passion in between, so you could test whether it was better with an Irken or a . . . "
"Stop," Zim said, and put a gloved hand over her mouth gently so she could only communicate with him via her eyes, sharp and fixated on his, waiting on his next words, which came soon after they came to him, "it doesn't matter now. I'm with you right now, right at this moment, aren't I? Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Jed said nothing, kept her words to herself. She nodded, choosing to agree with Zim just now, but he could see that her brain was working away, calculating how much truth he spoke with. Jed said nothing, so Zim made a suggestion, "Why don't we go and question that vagrant over there? Ask some of your questions about this miserable planet with him."
Jed brightened, evidently she liked this idea. She was especially interested in the outcasts of the society these humans had, and wondered if they possessed the same ignorance as the general public or whether they were rejects because of their refusal to succumb to the group stupidity of these creatures she was supposed to be dominating. But whether that mattered or not anymore she didn't know, because everything had changed . . . but not now. Now she was going to speak to that miscreant with all her interaction skills.
"Excuse me, human hobo!" Zim said sharply, when they had walked over to him. The man lying on the bench sat up and blinked at them interestingly, Jed liked his eyes, a deep brown which didn't reveal anything but a strong will and a long, unhappy past, "Me and my friend wish to discuss matters of GREAT importance with you! Resist us and you will burn!"
GIR skipped past happily and pointed at the hobo, "That one gonna burn goooooood!" he moaned happily, carrying on skipping until he noticed that several of the squirrels had kidnapped MAX and was attempting to carry him up a tree. Jed looked but didn't appear to be worried, she was well aware that MAX could deal with the tree-climbing rodents, but GIR panicked, "Gimme back ma taco friend! YUP! You squirrelies gonna burn nice! BURN BURN BURN IN THE FIREY . . . STUFF! Oh yeah!"
While the robots disguised as pets carried on with their playing, Zim and Jed returned their attention to the hobo. Zim noticed that he was wearing a very old and tattered denim jacket (some kind of smelly human material), trousers that had once been beige but now looked like a very unpleasant grey with stains that Zim didn't wish to analyse their origin. He wore worn leather sandals and half-fingered black gloves that finished off the stereotypical vagrant status. Still, despite his long, greasy, scraggly greying hair (from what must have once been black) brought out his mysterious dark eyes well, and Zim felt himself liking this human, well more than the others, anyway.
"Tell me your name, dirty human!" Zim said in his usual superior manner, and the man chuckled slightly.
"You look like you could do with a shower yourself, lad," the man laughed, and Zim made an annoyed noise and felt Jed move beside him warningly.
"NONSENSE!" Zim cried despite her, "I am as clean as a . . . clean thing! . . . Why I "shower" in your filthy Earth nutrients several times daily! Indeed I am no thing of minging quality! Oh how I laugh at your dirt accusations! Ha! Ha! See me laugh at your dirt accusations which are indeed false. Ha! HA! MWAHHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Alright, son, calm down," the hobo said, guffawing a little bit which made Zim step back. Jed said nothing but looked on with a slightly amused expression on her face. She was here, after all, to learn, and not to teach.
"I know not of the sun you speak of. I have never been there. However I have been to Mars I was battling against Mercury. It was your lucky day when you were not squished by my awesome WRATH!" Zim began manically laughing again and the hobo looked at Jed, Zim jus laughing to himself while the conversation took a different turn.
"Who's this pretty young lady then?" he asked Zim, who frowned protectively and moved to put an arm around her waist. Jed, out of respect for Zim, stood still and said nothing, only folding her arms. She was glad when Zim took his arm away by himself and put his gloved fists behind his back, standing smartly.
"She is my friend. Her name is Jed, and I be Zim. The mighty Zim? And I will be your slave master when your beloved world comes to an end. I will show no mercy . . . NONE!" Zim roared angrily, still looking proud and dignified. The hobo laughed again.
"My name is Leonard. I am a hobo, not mighty like you claim to be, Zim, and no doubt you are. And this world . . . " he waved his arms around him, patting the space on the bench for Jed to sit on, which she did, "It isn't in the least bit "beloved" to me. In fact I think I would thank you if you destroyed it and commanded it or whatever it is you plan on doing. And please, don't show any mercy, because these dirtbags that wear fur coats and fine diamonds on their fingers are more filthy than I could ever be, and they have never shown mercy so neither should you. Anyway I'm going to stop raving or else . . . " Leonard broke off with a hint of fear in his calm unwavering voice.
Both Jed and Zim's jaws dropped at Leonard the Hobo's unexpected speech. Indeed this human was very different from the others, and everything he said was true. He continued to speak of different matters, politics . . . the government, everything he had distaste for in the world.
" . . . and here in America where everything is considered to be perfect . . . " Leonard shook his head as he spoke and gave a dramatic pause before going on, "our political status is appalling . . . the president answers questions that have been organised beforehand, and if anyone says anything any different then they are never allowed in a conference again. In Britain I suppose it's a little better, the prime minister Tony Blair has to be able to answer fast fire questions about anything, which makes him the better leader, I suppose, but that doesn't earn him any more respect, oh no. In fact it earns him less, because everyone hates the leaders. At elections we don't vote for the leader of our country, we vote for the government's puppet (well I don't, I don't own a home so amn't allowed to vote), so much for democracy. But I'm going to stop babbling endlessly about things you kids aren't interested in or else I might . . . "
Zim was getting progressively annoyed at Leonard. He spoke with such sense and emotion and knew what he was talking about, but he always broke off just as he was beginning to accept this new piece of information with his fearful tone. It seemed Jed had noticed it too, but was handling it in a different way.
"Leonard, what's 'or else'? What are you afraid might happen if you say too much?" she said in her gentlest tone, and Zim watched her speak with a dry throat. He, Zim, the great Zim, still didn't know whether he liked Jed or Gaz more, and now Jed had confessed her love for him (albeit distastefully confessed) he felt sure he should return his affection but then, Gaz was always nagging at the back of his mind like a small sharp splinter that would prick again whenever he had forgotten it was there.
Leonard looked at Jed, Jed looked at Leonard, and Zim tore his eyes from Jed to look at Leonard, trying to forget his current dilemma. Leonard flicked his eyes from Jed, to Zim, to Jed, to Zim, back to Jed and then fixing his eyes finally on Zim who looked a little uneasy, and peered up at the tall hobo.
"The cheesy foot demon . . . " Leonard whispered huskily, "he's after my flesh . . . my filthy dirty flesh! Oh woe is me! The cheesy foot demon! Don't let him get me! Please! PLEASE, you won't let him get me, will you? Will you?!?"
Jed and Zim glanced at each other, and then Jed put a gentle hand on Leonard's shoulder, "No, no, we won't let him get you. In fact, we're off to fight him off now for you, okay? We'll see you later."
She grabbed Zim's arm and dragged him to the tree that GIR and MAX were dancing on a branch in. Zim appreciated her getting out of there as soon as possible. He had become less than rational which might make him dangerous, not that Zim couldn't take him, but he didn't wish to draw attention to himself. He was insane, Zim thought, insane but clever and thoughtful, but still crazy with perhaps his loneliness, or maybe he hallucinated due to persistent drug use, he didn't know. But it didn't matter now, Jed seemed satisfied with the information she had got out of Leonard and he had secretly learned something from the experience also.
"GIR! MAX! Get down here! GIR! We're going, GIR. Now! Come on! Stop torturing those squirrels! GIR!" Zim snapped up the tree, where GIR and MAX were now tickling one of the squirrels that had abducted MAX with a leaf.
"AAAAHHAHAHAHA! It's doing photosynthythingythingy in his footsie!" GIR squealed happily, and MAX, who had gone slightly more sane at that moment and had allowed the squirrel corrected his friend with the correct word, "photosynthesis", which it was indeed not doing in the squirrel's foot, but GIR didn't seem to care for some peculiar reason and leaped down from the tree stupidly, crashing into the ground.
He immediately righted himself, one of his eyes having fallen out of his sockets, which looked very strange considering he was wearing his costume. He popped it back in and squeaked, "YAAAAY! It hurts lots and lots! WOO! Lets all go get Shoe Tacos! They taste gooooood!"
"Isn't it, they burn good?" MAX asked, and GIR freaked out at this.
"DON'T BURN MA SHOE'SIES TACOS! DON'T BURN THA TACOOOOOOS!" he wailed, flinging himself at Zim's feet, who picked GIR up by the leash around his neck and dragged him off, while MAX purred around Jed's legs for a moment before they joined Zim and GIR again.
"That was interesting," Jed said quietly to Zim, who nodded, "the hobo, I mean. The whole squirrel scenario was just weird." Zim nodded again and said "YES!" very loudly, which startled her.
"Take my hand." Zim said, making it sound like a command but Jed knew otherwise. She was well aware that Zim was feeling bad about it, and it didn't seem like they had much longer together so she nodded and allowed him to take her hand and kiss her on the cheek. Something inside her told her she wanted this and she wasn't simply tolerating him. But whether he wanted this . . . whether he wanted her . . . was another question she would trouble herself with later, because there was another problem at hand.
A small, ugly dog had just crossed the path, its bulbous eyes and hungry drool from its mouth on its morbidly large head was oozing onto the ground below. It's head greatly outweighed its small, skinny body and it quite comically looked like it was about to fall forwards and land on its head. But it wasn't comical, it was somehow scary. And in its mouth, it held a large tender steak.
Zim and GIR knew it, Jed and MAX saw it for the first time. All four of them feared it. Zim was the first one to scream while the others stood fixated on this hideously . . . hideous . . . creature. "DOG WITH MEAT!" Zim yelled, and the commotion began.
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Dib straightened the collar on his trenchcoat, his black shirt underneath looked stupid because he wasn't wearing his usual t-shirt that he loved. He was wearing his usual black trousers ironed especially and he had tried to flatten his hair so it didn't look like he was bald underneath the spikiness.
"Do I look okay? Do I look okay?" he asked his sister persistently, who assured him.
"You look like crap, Dib. Go spike your hair again. Really. Dib, please, really, she won't appreciate it." Gaz told him almost threateningly.
"I . . . no! No, it has to be different for Zita . . . " he trailed off. Gaz sighed and hopped off her chair, wandering over to the fridge to take out the carton of milk. She poured a glass of it for herself and sat drinking it, watching Dib out of the corner of her narrowed eye. He looked at her.
"Did you finish that carton?" he asked her randomly. Gaz took the glass from her mouth and made a noise as the milk traveled down her gullet.
"Yes," she said, "why? Go and undo whatever the Hell you did to your hair, it's not very pleasant."
Dib sighed, not listening to her, "I was going to have some milk before I left, Gaz. You could have asked!" Gaz's eyes narrowed even more and she spitefully drank the last drop from her glass. She glared at him and he took a protective step back, afraid she might fly at him again . . .
"You think you own ALL the milk, don't you Dib? Well, you know what, you don't, you just DON'T, okay? I got there first, and it's too bad if your feeble limbs couldn't be bothered to reach for the fridge door for another five minutes!" she snarled nastily at him, and Dib sighed.
He walked through into the living room to collect the money he had left on the table. Just as he was pocketing it, his father came up from his laboratory humming happily to himself, "Tum tum tee tum tum tum . . . oh hello, Di- EEEEEEEK!" the famous professor that normally sounded so very professional and masculine screamed like a girl when he saw his son's hair, "Dib! No! That's just . . . that's not science! . . . That's not even parascience! It's just . . . evil . . . Spike your hair up son! Be a man! That's REAL science, you should try it every so often!"
Dib sighed again and trudged through to the living room, taking the hint. He spiked up his hair again, washing off the huge amount of gel he had used to try and tame his pointy hair that cursed him so. He heard his father muttering, "My poor, insane son," from the other room, and he rolled his eyes. Everyone was so ignorant, but now a girl had given him a little more attention. And that girl was ZITA. Zita, the prettiest, most popular and, well preppiest, girl, but that didn't bother Dib. He smiled at himself in the mirror, convinced that he would just HAVE to make this night work.
It had been a long day at the skool, not very interesting because Zim and Jed hadn't been there, and everything else that went on was just very uneventful. He hung out with Gaz at the break and lunchtime, keeping his eye on Zita, who occasionally looked over at him after flicking her lovely lilac hair behind her shoulders and winking at him. Never had Dib Membrane had that before. It was his lucky night.
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the four alien creatures screamed at the dog holding the dead cow strip in its mouth, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!"
How could something so ugly and small and evil and wrong and outweighed be so very terrifying? It was just . . . twisted and demonic in every way possible, and Zim and Jed's hands were crushed by each other. The two Irkens ran for cover behind a large oak tree, but GIR held MAX back.
"We gotta beat it!" GIR screamed dramatically, shaking MAX by his shoulders, "WE JUST GOTTA!" MAX nodded and they stood in a fighting stance, hopping forward in their costumes, looking quite ridiculous.
"We're gonna eat your big head!" MAX told the Chihuahua, "Your days of meat carrying are over! Why don't you just . . . eat it and be done with it?" Jed's robot was near tears and his mistress tried to go over and comfort him, but Zim held her back, looking her in the eye forcefully so she nodded and settled again, watching with bright blue eyes disguising red ones.
"Hees head's almost as big as Dib's!" GIR squealed, fearless now, "And we all know hoooow big Dib's head is! You got a stoopad big head! Hee hee hee!"
MAX and GIR rushed at the Chihuahua, who just blinked and held the meat so tauntingly while the two robots beat at it, Zim was almost overcome with fury at the way the dog with meat didn't react, and pride at how his stupid dumb robot was fighting it, for all the good it wasn't doing, but the point was that GIR was doing something Zim didn't object against.
"OHMAGOSH!" GIR yelled as he pulled off the Chihuahua's head, revealing what it really and truly was inside, "It's a . . . it's a . . . master! It be a SQUIRREL!!!" Giggling, GIR took the squirrel that was controlling the dog with levers and steering wheels inside the small body out of the cabin and held it above his head, "HEEHHEHEHEHEE! I know it! It a doggy squirrel! DOGGY DOGGY DOOGY!"
Zim laughed menacingly and walked out with Jed in hand, as if he had never been afraid in the first place. He kicked his legs up in front of him and his eyes were closed, this was what Jed called his "pride strut", because strut he did.
GIR released the squirrel and MAX and the kooky hero robot took the shell home which still freaked them out, and GIR looked at it and said "That one gonna burn reeeeeall good!" so they burnt it by the dark, and Zim looked into Jed's eyes and she looked into his and they didn't need to say anything.
They just nodded at each other and kissed, because it didn't need to mean very much after all. They cared about each other, but how much was another question. They just had to do something instead of doing nothing, because what use was that? They were long past killing each other now, which both were glad of, even if it had taken a little bit of time. Both knew there wasn't much time left before it was all spoiled, and they didn't know how it would be spoiled so it wasn't something they could prepare for, so they just kissed and embraced each other while listening to Kurt Cobain's gristly but heavenly voice, and the squeals of the excited robots dancing around the piercing light of the burning Chihuahua.
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Everything so far was going smoothly, Dib thought. It could have been worse, not much better, because he was with Zita, who he really liked now they were walking side by side with hot dogs in their hands.
"I'm sorry hot dogs aren't very romantic," Dib apologised to her deeply, and she looked at him and nodded.
"That's okay, Dib!" she said happily, her hair bouncing around her shoulders, "I just, totally like walking along with you! It's really cool!"
"Yeah," he said softly, looking at the large moon the night had provided for them, which provided its own kind of romance, he supposed, even if he didn't believe in all that namby-pamby crap, "yeah."
"I really always liked your hair. I just totally, like, think it's kick- ass!" Zita giggled, stroking his pointy hair gently. They looked into each others eyes and pushed forward into a lip-lock. 'Thank you, Gaz and Dad!' Dib thought to himself as he tasted Zita. This was better than he could ever have hoped, that was, until he wrapped his arm around her waste, and the hot dog he was holding squeezed its sauce all over Zita's midriff t- shirt.
"Ohmigod!" she squealed indignantly, "ohmigod, ohmigod, are you like, some kind of total mega moron? Are you having some kind of like, neuron death here, dude? I mean, you like, totally destroyed my $75 top! So can I get you some oxygen, Mr My-dad's-a-big-cool-scientist-so-y'know-I'm-so-very- clever, cos I like, totally think you're suffocating! Ewwwww! It's all over my back! Diiiiib!" she moaned, and Dib threw the hotdog on the ground and apologised over and over until she started to apologise.
Not even Zita was so incredibly shallow that she'd dump Dib on his first try just because of an accident. He was extremely grateful to her for giving him a second chance but she warned him that she had no "three strikes and your out" system. 'It was once you blow it it's okay, twice you can walk the other way!' rhyme with Zita, that Dib greatly doubted she made up by herself.
He suspected it was some kind of sleepover game that involved lots of giggles and girls in pink pyjamas. The rest of the date went well, and Zita gave him her number by the end. "Call me tomorrow, yeah?" she said, and kissed him again while they stood on her doorstep. Dib promised her he would . . . yeah, like he wouldn't.
That night, Dib nearly skipped home.
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A/N: WOOOOO! Got some Dib in there for ya! And some Prof Membrane, y'know he is so cool. Gaz was minimal in this chapter . . . sorry Gaz fans, but she'll be . . . what'll she be doing next chapter . . . ? . . . oh she'll be plotting with Dib as to how they can take Jed down . . . mmyep. Gaz has (another) encounter with Jed's gun, will she escape for a third time? Only time will tell, and only your reviews give me the energy to write another chapter so keep 'em coming in pleasey poo!
Danke!
"When your day is long, and the night is yours alone when you're sure you've had enough of this life hang on. Don't let yourself go, cos everybody cries. And everybody hurts . . . sometimes" - Everybody Hurts, R.E.M.
Author's Note: Thanks again to all people who reviewed. I love you all dearly. Woooooooo. Blue tacos, how much would they rock? They'd probably suck, actually, but you know, maybe one day blue tacos will take over, but then that'll probably be the day I stop twittering, which will be never, cos goddammit I'm gonna twitter in my grave or so help me. MNYAHA! I'm going off to watch Zim for inspiration then come back and write this comical chapter of doom (about time). And Dib fans, we have a very special day for you . . . Dib's date with Zita, the purple haired prep who sits behind Zim in the series. But not in this one . . . shut up me. Okay. WOO!
It's a very random chapter is this one. But anyway. Read, okay? Read. Why? Because you can, you cheeses.
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- Chapter Twenty-Three - The Truth About Chihuahuas -
Nothing was said in the morning; nothing needed to be said. It had all been done last night, and now both Jed and Zim realised that their time together was running out, they could never survive the brutal society they were in, it simply wouldn't work, and that broke their hearts, or whatever equivalent Irkens had for hearts, whether it be the squeedly-spooch or some other alien organ for as much as they could break. They both knew that it was a waiting game that would end almost certainly when Tak set foot on Earth again, if it had not ended before that. So to forget the gloom and to get on with conquering Earth, the two Invaders went out into the nearest human city to gather information on the random civilian in the street.
Jed had not yet been into the city so it was extremely new and almost frightening for her, considering she was so small compared to these humans that towered above the two Irkens with their dirty faces and surly expressions. Of course, they were in disguise, Zim was using his usual one for going into the city, and it was quite a funny sight of Zim, who had a stupid fake beard and an old tweed jacket on with a straw hat, a flower sticking out of it, and GIR, a small green dog with scary eyes and very obvious zips and stitching, compared to Jed and MAX. Jed, who was in her Goth disguise wearing a long black jacket and a dark, dark red top littered with safety pins and offensive badges with her so incredibly blue eyes and raven-like hair, and MAX a very well disguised tortoiseshell cat who looked like it was just very well groomed if a little speedy and sharper than a normal Earth feline.
It was funny sight, the two robots and the two disguised aliens walking along together, Zim and Jed occasionally holding hands but Jed would break away, remembering Gaz. After a while of walking Jed was tired of seeing all of these humans and they rested in a quiet spot in a park where GIR and MAX would chase the squirrels with sticks tittering happily. Jed and Zim sat apart on a long wooden bench, observing a hobo on another bench opposite the path they had previously been walking on.
Zim sighed at the silence between him and Jed. She looked at him with slightly annoyed, aware eyes. He looked back at her, his pride overtaking him now but he did so want her to come and speak to him freely without the need of awkward conversation. Zim saw small talk as a waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of perfectly good Nirvana or planning Earth's terrible and horrible doom time, or something else, but Zim would not tolerate small talk as much as he did not wish to be part of it. But that was all it looked like that Jed would yield to.
"Speak to me, Jed," Zim said as softly as his harsh voice would allow, "because I don't know how to speak to you without knowing for sure you don't hate my miserable guts."
A light smile swept over Jed's face and for an awful moment Zim thought she might start to cry again, but all she did was look at the ground, lifting her face up to look at GIR and MAX frolicking on the grass. GIR looked over at Zim and waved at him, skipping backwards and forwards in his not-very- good costume.
"Look master!" he squealed, "Ah'm a mongoose! Ah'm a . . . a squirrel! LOOK AT THE SQUIRREL, MAXY!" MAX turned to look at the grey squirrel GIR had pointed at, poised on a tree with an acorn in its grasp. MAX let out a happy little cry and followed GIR to try and coax it down with twigs lying around the tree the squirrel was in.
Zim was brought back to the scenario he was in with Jed, who was now looking at him intently which made him feel more than slightly uncomfortable. He looked back at her, eyes narrowed, but she didn't seem to mind. In fact, she gave a pretty little laugh that sounded nothing like the one she sometimes used which reminded Zim of Tak.
"Why are you laughing?" Zim demanded, angry because he was confused at whether he should be offended or whether he should laugh with her, "Tell me! Tell me now . . . "
Jed looked at him, a smile on her face, "I'm laughing . . . " she began, "because I love you, and you're a worthless swine and I know you don't love me, you love her! You love Gaz, don't you, so there is no reason why I should be with you, why you should tolerate me any longer, because you have succeeded in making her jealous to the point where she wants you back. And that's what you wanted, wasn't it, Zim? The whole plan all along was to be with her, never with me . . . never really with me. I was just a bit of passion in between, so you could test whether it was better with an Irken or a . . . "
"Stop," Zim said, and put a gloved hand over her mouth gently so she could only communicate with him via her eyes, sharp and fixated on his, waiting on his next words, which came soon after they came to him, "it doesn't matter now. I'm with you right now, right at this moment, aren't I? Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Jed said nothing, kept her words to herself. She nodded, choosing to agree with Zim just now, but he could see that her brain was working away, calculating how much truth he spoke with. Jed said nothing, so Zim made a suggestion, "Why don't we go and question that vagrant over there? Ask some of your questions about this miserable planet with him."
Jed brightened, evidently she liked this idea. She was especially interested in the outcasts of the society these humans had, and wondered if they possessed the same ignorance as the general public or whether they were rejects because of their refusal to succumb to the group stupidity of these creatures she was supposed to be dominating. But whether that mattered or not anymore she didn't know, because everything had changed . . . but not now. Now she was going to speak to that miscreant with all her interaction skills.
"Excuse me, human hobo!" Zim said sharply, when they had walked over to him. The man lying on the bench sat up and blinked at them interestingly, Jed liked his eyes, a deep brown which didn't reveal anything but a strong will and a long, unhappy past, "Me and my friend wish to discuss matters of GREAT importance with you! Resist us and you will burn!"
GIR skipped past happily and pointed at the hobo, "That one gonna burn goooooood!" he moaned happily, carrying on skipping until he noticed that several of the squirrels had kidnapped MAX and was attempting to carry him up a tree. Jed looked but didn't appear to be worried, she was well aware that MAX could deal with the tree-climbing rodents, but GIR panicked, "Gimme back ma taco friend! YUP! You squirrelies gonna burn nice! BURN BURN BURN IN THE FIREY . . . STUFF! Oh yeah!"
While the robots disguised as pets carried on with their playing, Zim and Jed returned their attention to the hobo. Zim noticed that he was wearing a very old and tattered denim jacket (some kind of smelly human material), trousers that had once been beige but now looked like a very unpleasant grey with stains that Zim didn't wish to analyse their origin. He wore worn leather sandals and half-fingered black gloves that finished off the stereotypical vagrant status. Still, despite his long, greasy, scraggly greying hair (from what must have once been black) brought out his mysterious dark eyes well, and Zim felt himself liking this human, well more than the others, anyway.
"Tell me your name, dirty human!" Zim said in his usual superior manner, and the man chuckled slightly.
"You look like you could do with a shower yourself, lad," the man laughed, and Zim made an annoyed noise and felt Jed move beside him warningly.
"NONSENSE!" Zim cried despite her, "I am as clean as a . . . clean thing! . . . Why I "shower" in your filthy Earth nutrients several times daily! Indeed I am no thing of minging quality! Oh how I laugh at your dirt accusations! Ha! Ha! See me laugh at your dirt accusations which are indeed false. Ha! HA! MWAHHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Alright, son, calm down," the hobo said, guffawing a little bit which made Zim step back. Jed said nothing but looked on with a slightly amused expression on her face. She was here, after all, to learn, and not to teach.
"I know not of the sun you speak of. I have never been there. However I have been to Mars I was battling against Mercury. It was your lucky day when you were not squished by my awesome WRATH!" Zim began manically laughing again and the hobo looked at Jed, Zim jus laughing to himself while the conversation took a different turn.
"Who's this pretty young lady then?" he asked Zim, who frowned protectively and moved to put an arm around her waist. Jed, out of respect for Zim, stood still and said nothing, only folding her arms. She was glad when Zim took his arm away by himself and put his gloved fists behind his back, standing smartly.
"She is my friend. Her name is Jed, and I be Zim. The mighty Zim? And I will be your slave master when your beloved world comes to an end. I will show no mercy . . . NONE!" Zim roared angrily, still looking proud and dignified. The hobo laughed again.
"My name is Leonard. I am a hobo, not mighty like you claim to be, Zim, and no doubt you are. And this world . . . " he waved his arms around him, patting the space on the bench for Jed to sit on, which she did, "It isn't in the least bit "beloved" to me. In fact I think I would thank you if you destroyed it and commanded it or whatever it is you plan on doing. And please, don't show any mercy, because these dirtbags that wear fur coats and fine diamonds on their fingers are more filthy than I could ever be, and they have never shown mercy so neither should you. Anyway I'm going to stop raving or else . . . " Leonard broke off with a hint of fear in his calm unwavering voice.
Both Jed and Zim's jaws dropped at Leonard the Hobo's unexpected speech. Indeed this human was very different from the others, and everything he said was true. He continued to speak of different matters, politics . . . the government, everything he had distaste for in the world.
" . . . and here in America where everything is considered to be perfect . . . " Leonard shook his head as he spoke and gave a dramatic pause before going on, "our political status is appalling . . . the president answers questions that have been organised beforehand, and if anyone says anything any different then they are never allowed in a conference again. In Britain I suppose it's a little better, the prime minister Tony Blair has to be able to answer fast fire questions about anything, which makes him the better leader, I suppose, but that doesn't earn him any more respect, oh no. In fact it earns him less, because everyone hates the leaders. At elections we don't vote for the leader of our country, we vote for the government's puppet (well I don't, I don't own a home so amn't allowed to vote), so much for democracy. But I'm going to stop babbling endlessly about things you kids aren't interested in or else I might . . . "
Zim was getting progressively annoyed at Leonard. He spoke with such sense and emotion and knew what he was talking about, but he always broke off just as he was beginning to accept this new piece of information with his fearful tone. It seemed Jed had noticed it too, but was handling it in a different way.
"Leonard, what's 'or else'? What are you afraid might happen if you say too much?" she said in her gentlest tone, and Zim watched her speak with a dry throat. He, Zim, the great Zim, still didn't know whether he liked Jed or Gaz more, and now Jed had confessed her love for him (albeit distastefully confessed) he felt sure he should return his affection but then, Gaz was always nagging at the back of his mind like a small sharp splinter that would prick again whenever he had forgotten it was there.
Leonard looked at Jed, Jed looked at Leonard, and Zim tore his eyes from Jed to look at Leonard, trying to forget his current dilemma. Leonard flicked his eyes from Jed, to Zim, to Jed, to Zim, back to Jed and then fixing his eyes finally on Zim who looked a little uneasy, and peered up at the tall hobo.
"The cheesy foot demon . . . " Leonard whispered huskily, "he's after my flesh . . . my filthy dirty flesh! Oh woe is me! The cheesy foot demon! Don't let him get me! Please! PLEASE, you won't let him get me, will you? Will you?!?"
Jed and Zim glanced at each other, and then Jed put a gentle hand on Leonard's shoulder, "No, no, we won't let him get you. In fact, we're off to fight him off now for you, okay? We'll see you later."
She grabbed Zim's arm and dragged him to the tree that GIR and MAX were dancing on a branch in. Zim appreciated her getting out of there as soon as possible. He had become less than rational which might make him dangerous, not that Zim couldn't take him, but he didn't wish to draw attention to himself. He was insane, Zim thought, insane but clever and thoughtful, but still crazy with perhaps his loneliness, or maybe he hallucinated due to persistent drug use, he didn't know. But it didn't matter now, Jed seemed satisfied with the information she had got out of Leonard and he had secretly learned something from the experience also.
"GIR! MAX! Get down here! GIR! We're going, GIR. Now! Come on! Stop torturing those squirrels! GIR!" Zim snapped up the tree, where GIR and MAX were now tickling one of the squirrels that had abducted MAX with a leaf.
"AAAAHHAHAHAHA! It's doing photosynthythingythingy in his footsie!" GIR squealed happily, and MAX, who had gone slightly more sane at that moment and had allowed the squirrel corrected his friend with the correct word, "photosynthesis", which it was indeed not doing in the squirrel's foot, but GIR didn't seem to care for some peculiar reason and leaped down from the tree stupidly, crashing into the ground.
He immediately righted himself, one of his eyes having fallen out of his sockets, which looked very strange considering he was wearing his costume. He popped it back in and squeaked, "YAAAAY! It hurts lots and lots! WOO! Lets all go get Shoe Tacos! They taste gooooood!"
"Isn't it, they burn good?" MAX asked, and GIR freaked out at this.
"DON'T BURN MA SHOE'SIES TACOS! DON'T BURN THA TACOOOOOOS!" he wailed, flinging himself at Zim's feet, who picked GIR up by the leash around his neck and dragged him off, while MAX purred around Jed's legs for a moment before they joined Zim and GIR again.
"That was interesting," Jed said quietly to Zim, who nodded, "the hobo, I mean. The whole squirrel scenario was just weird." Zim nodded again and said "YES!" very loudly, which startled her.
"Take my hand." Zim said, making it sound like a command but Jed knew otherwise. She was well aware that Zim was feeling bad about it, and it didn't seem like they had much longer together so she nodded and allowed him to take her hand and kiss her on the cheek. Something inside her told her she wanted this and she wasn't simply tolerating him. But whether he wanted this . . . whether he wanted her . . . was another question she would trouble herself with later, because there was another problem at hand.
A small, ugly dog had just crossed the path, its bulbous eyes and hungry drool from its mouth on its morbidly large head was oozing onto the ground below. It's head greatly outweighed its small, skinny body and it quite comically looked like it was about to fall forwards and land on its head. But it wasn't comical, it was somehow scary. And in its mouth, it held a large tender steak.
Zim and GIR knew it, Jed and MAX saw it for the first time. All four of them feared it. Zim was the first one to scream while the others stood fixated on this hideously . . . hideous . . . creature. "DOG WITH MEAT!" Zim yelled, and the commotion began.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Dib straightened the collar on his trenchcoat, his black shirt underneath looked stupid because he wasn't wearing his usual t-shirt that he loved. He was wearing his usual black trousers ironed especially and he had tried to flatten his hair so it didn't look like he was bald underneath the spikiness.
"Do I look okay? Do I look okay?" he asked his sister persistently, who assured him.
"You look like crap, Dib. Go spike your hair again. Really. Dib, please, really, she won't appreciate it." Gaz told him almost threateningly.
"I . . . no! No, it has to be different for Zita . . . " he trailed off. Gaz sighed and hopped off her chair, wandering over to the fridge to take out the carton of milk. She poured a glass of it for herself and sat drinking it, watching Dib out of the corner of her narrowed eye. He looked at her.
"Did you finish that carton?" he asked her randomly. Gaz took the glass from her mouth and made a noise as the milk traveled down her gullet.
"Yes," she said, "why? Go and undo whatever the Hell you did to your hair, it's not very pleasant."
Dib sighed, not listening to her, "I was going to have some milk before I left, Gaz. You could have asked!" Gaz's eyes narrowed even more and she spitefully drank the last drop from her glass. She glared at him and he took a protective step back, afraid she might fly at him again . . .
"You think you own ALL the milk, don't you Dib? Well, you know what, you don't, you just DON'T, okay? I got there first, and it's too bad if your feeble limbs couldn't be bothered to reach for the fridge door for another five minutes!" she snarled nastily at him, and Dib sighed.
He walked through into the living room to collect the money he had left on the table. Just as he was pocketing it, his father came up from his laboratory humming happily to himself, "Tum tum tee tum tum tum . . . oh hello, Di- EEEEEEEK!" the famous professor that normally sounded so very professional and masculine screamed like a girl when he saw his son's hair, "Dib! No! That's just . . . that's not science! . . . That's not even parascience! It's just . . . evil . . . Spike your hair up son! Be a man! That's REAL science, you should try it every so often!"
Dib sighed again and trudged through to the living room, taking the hint. He spiked up his hair again, washing off the huge amount of gel he had used to try and tame his pointy hair that cursed him so. He heard his father muttering, "My poor, insane son," from the other room, and he rolled his eyes. Everyone was so ignorant, but now a girl had given him a little more attention. And that girl was ZITA. Zita, the prettiest, most popular and, well preppiest, girl, but that didn't bother Dib. He smiled at himself in the mirror, convinced that he would just HAVE to make this night work.
It had been a long day at the skool, not very interesting because Zim and Jed hadn't been there, and everything else that went on was just very uneventful. He hung out with Gaz at the break and lunchtime, keeping his eye on Zita, who occasionally looked over at him after flicking her lovely lilac hair behind her shoulders and winking at him. Never had Dib Membrane had that before. It was his lucky night.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the four alien creatures screamed at the dog holding the dead cow strip in its mouth, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!"
How could something so ugly and small and evil and wrong and outweighed be so very terrifying? It was just . . . twisted and demonic in every way possible, and Zim and Jed's hands were crushed by each other. The two Irkens ran for cover behind a large oak tree, but GIR held MAX back.
"We gotta beat it!" GIR screamed dramatically, shaking MAX by his shoulders, "WE JUST GOTTA!" MAX nodded and they stood in a fighting stance, hopping forward in their costumes, looking quite ridiculous.
"We're gonna eat your big head!" MAX told the Chihuahua, "Your days of meat carrying are over! Why don't you just . . . eat it and be done with it?" Jed's robot was near tears and his mistress tried to go over and comfort him, but Zim held her back, looking her in the eye forcefully so she nodded and settled again, watching with bright blue eyes disguising red ones.
"Hees head's almost as big as Dib's!" GIR squealed, fearless now, "And we all know hoooow big Dib's head is! You got a stoopad big head! Hee hee hee!"
MAX and GIR rushed at the Chihuahua, who just blinked and held the meat so tauntingly while the two robots beat at it, Zim was almost overcome with fury at the way the dog with meat didn't react, and pride at how his stupid dumb robot was fighting it, for all the good it wasn't doing, but the point was that GIR was doing something Zim didn't object against.
"OHMAGOSH!" GIR yelled as he pulled off the Chihuahua's head, revealing what it really and truly was inside, "It's a . . . it's a . . . master! It be a SQUIRREL!!!" Giggling, GIR took the squirrel that was controlling the dog with levers and steering wheels inside the small body out of the cabin and held it above his head, "HEEHHEHEHEHEE! I know it! It a doggy squirrel! DOGGY DOGGY DOOGY!"
Zim laughed menacingly and walked out with Jed in hand, as if he had never been afraid in the first place. He kicked his legs up in front of him and his eyes were closed, this was what Jed called his "pride strut", because strut he did.
GIR released the squirrel and MAX and the kooky hero robot took the shell home which still freaked them out, and GIR looked at it and said "That one gonna burn reeeeeall good!" so they burnt it by the dark, and Zim looked into Jed's eyes and she looked into his and they didn't need to say anything.
They just nodded at each other and kissed, because it didn't need to mean very much after all. They cared about each other, but how much was another question. They just had to do something instead of doing nothing, because what use was that? They were long past killing each other now, which both were glad of, even if it had taken a little bit of time. Both knew there wasn't much time left before it was all spoiled, and they didn't know how it would be spoiled so it wasn't something they could prepare for, so they just kissed and embraced each other while listening to Kurt Cobain's gristly but heavenly voice, and the squeals of the excited robots dancing around the piercing light of the burning Chihuahua.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Everything so far was going smoothly, Dib thought. It could have been worse, not much better, because he was with Zita, who he really liked now they were walking side by side with hot dogs in their hands.
"I'm sorry hot dogs aren't very romantic," Dib apologised to her deeply, and she looked at him and nodded.
"That's okay, Dib!" she said happily, her hair bouncing around her shoulders, "I just, totally like walking along with you! It's really cool!"
"Yeah," he said softly, looking at the large moon the night had provided for them, which provided its own kind of romance, he supposed, even if he didn't believe in all that namby-pamby crap, "yeah."
"I really always liked your hair. I just totally, like, think it's kick- ass!" Zita giggled, stroking his pointy hair gently. They looked into each others eyes and pushed forward into a lip-lock. 'Thank you, Gaz and Dad!' Dib thought to himself as he tasted Zita. This was better than he could ever have hoped, that was, until he wrapped his arm around her waste, and the hot dog he was holding squeezed its sauce all over Zita's midriff t- shirt.
"Ohmigod!" she squealed indignantly, "ohmigod, ohmigod, are you like, some kind of total mega moron? Are you having some kind of like, neuron death here, dude? I mean, you like, totally destroyed my $75 top! So can I get you some oxygen, Mr My-dad's-a-big-cool-scientist-so-y'know-I'm-so-very- clever, cos I like, totally think you're suffocating! Ewwwww! It's all over my back! Diiiiib!" she moaned, and Dib threw the hotdog on the ground and apologised over and over until she started to apologise.
Not even Zita was so incredibly shallow that she'd dump Dib on his first try just because of an accident. He was extremely grateful to her for giving him a second chance but she warned him that she had no "three strikes and your out" system. 'It was once you blow it it's okay, twice you can walk the other way!' rhyme with Zita, that Dib greatly doubted she made up by herself.
He suspected it was some kind of sleepover game that involved lots of giggles and girls in pink pyjamas. The rest of the date went well, and Zita gave him her number by the end. "Call me tomorrow, yeah?" she said, and kissed him again while they stood on her doorstep. Dib promised her he would . . . yeah, like he wouldn't.
That night, Dib nearly skipped home.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A/N: WOOOOO! Got some Dib in there for ya! And some Prof Membrane, y'know he is so cool. Gaz was minimal in this chapter . . . sorry Gaz fans, but she'll be . . . what'll she be doing next chapter . . . ? . . . oh she'll be plotting with Dib as to how they can take Jed down . . . mmyep. Gaz has (another) encounter with Jed's gun, will she escape for a third time? Only time will tell, and only your reviews give me the energy to write another chapter so keep 'em coming in pleasey poo!
Danke!
"When your day is long, and the night is yours alone when you're sure you've had enough of this life hang on. Don't let yourself go, cos everybody cries. And everybody hurts . . . sometimes" - Everybody Hurts, R.E.M.
